


Breathing the Ocean

by YaoiLuvr4Lyfe



Series: Thirteen [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Cliffhangers, Creepy Phone Calls, Death, Hand Mannerism, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Incest, Internal Conflict, Light Bondage, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, OT12 - Freeform, Orgy, Panties, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Witnessing Death, a bit like dreams vs reality sometimes, polyamorous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-10 15:59:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 34
Words: 126,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5592388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe/pseuds/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loran Prince has never felt like he fits in. He's the youngest of twelve boys, easily outcast and ignored, and he's used to it. He blends into the walls at school, passes his classes with straight-Bs, does his chores, goes to the beach, surfs, does his chores, and sleeps. It's always a continuous pattern, one involving his thumping heart 24/7 whenever he lays eyes upon one of his eleven brothers.</p><p>*Originally called 'Thirteen Part 1' on Wattpad by the same username, YaoiLuvr4Lyfe, but because it was taken down for the incest content it has moved here*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, this work was originally found here: https://www.wattpad.com/user/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe but a year ago it Wattpad took it down for the incest content and I was at a loss with what to do for a very long time. I debated ebooks, I debated giving up, I debated a lot of things, but alas, here it is, being re-posted! 
> 
> This is an edited and updated version of 'Thirteen Part One' from Wattpad, the name has changed as 'Thirteen' was not very original at all. It will always be 'Thirteen' in my heart, and I'll answer to anything referring to it as 'Thirteen' as well, so don't fret. 
> 
> I hope to finish posting by the end of January as I have to re-edit as I do post every chapter - because of this, it may go a little bit into February, but I'll do my utmost best to avoid that. There are three books in this trilogy, and once you have finished said trilogy, you will be able to follow the next trilogy - although, currently two books exist - on the Wattpad page linked above, labelled 'Them.' and 'Bitter & Sweet' but there will be more information on those at the end of book three - this is book one. 
> 
> Any questions, please feel free to ask :) Otherwise, for those old, I hope you enjoy this edited version, for those new, well, I hope you enjoy your first taste of these boys. 
> 
> *Please keep in mind, it's incest and when the sexual intercourse happens, the youngest is seventeen. There are also suicidal themes.*

**Loran -**

_Nothing_ could drag my gaze, or avert it, as he ran his hand through his long, lush and gorgeous blond locks. His toned, beautifully sun-kissed skin flexed in the sunlight, his light teal eyes shining like crystals. Crystals which were _always_ sparkling, no matter what kind of a mood he was in. It was perfection in a very simple way, because Hunter Prince was one sexy and hot surfer, and no words could express the burning passion welling inside me as I watched his bicep flex over the surfboard he held close to his side, like it was the key to all of his happiness. My stomach coiled with a burning passion to stand up and walk over, to grip his arms tightly and feel the muscles as they work beneath his skin, to feel his body move against mine…

My eyes fluttered toward Daiton Prince as he came racing down the sand slope toward Hunter. Berling Prince walked calmly behind him with a pile of sand sliding between his fingers, his golden skin glistening under the sun’s rays. Hunter tilted his head toward his two brothers, quirking an eyebrow as he set his surfboard down, sighing as Daiton darted around him, laughing hysterically, his entire body shaking as he tried to calm himself. At the bottom of the slope now, Berling shook his head, kneeling down in the wet sand to pile a clump in his palm, staring at it with an innocent spark in his dark eyes, the same shade as dark chocolate. Just as yummy as the rest of his body. Completely, one hundred percent mischief. Berling’s lips twitched into a grin and the spark twinkled even brighter as he whirled the sand toward an unsuspecting Daiton. It missed him, though, instead impacting softly against Hunter’s chest.

Hunter, who had stopped as soon as the sand hit him, lifted his head to catch Berling’s eyes, and Berling chuckled, taking a rapid few steps back as Hunter calmly stepped over his surfboard, dropping to his knees to construct his own pile of sand. Berling was laughing, his eyes crinkled as he stepped back hurriedly, and turned around to race off when a shout escaped over the water.

“Jackson! Stop!” I twisted my head to the side, watching as a couple more of the Prince brothers came into view, sand flying and hitting them all simultaneously, ruining any chance they had at having a ‘good hair day,’ as Jackson Prince would claim. Speaking of the devil, Jackson Prince, laughing with glee as he raced along the sand, tossed a sand ball at Berling, who swore loudly, twisting to miss Hunter’s ball along with Jackson’s. Berling spun around, grabbing a hand full of sand to throw back at Jackson, aiming for the mischievous Prince boy’s face, but his body turned sharply with a spin of elegance which only Jackson could master. The sand flew past him, barely touching him, and Jackson cackled, tossing his head back, his throat arching beautifully. Jackson was a pure, flamboyant individual, yet he’d never admit to anything except being straight, straight and more straight, claiming to be drenched within heterosexuality. His movements, though, the way he held himself, it _screamed_ ‘pin me, fuck me’ and I just wish he would tell me.

So maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was an abomination. 

"Jackson!" Berling snarled, but the playful gleam in his eye was evident. "You're _supposed_ to be my ally."

"Oops," Jackson grinned, dipping down to grab a fist full of wet sand, morphing it into a ball hastily. With the new creation settled in his palm, he spun around, racing off toward Elliott Prince who was not as wary as he should have been around Jackson. A smile managed to slide itself onto my face as my gaze followed Jackson's back, watching as the muscles pulled taut with every step he took. My eyes continued to follow, watching as he hefted his arm, tossing the ball of sand straight toward his victim, who hadn’t caught on to what was happening, for he was looking _at me_.

My eyes widened, my fingers sliding into the sand, digging in as far as possible as I turned away hurriedly, strands of my hair whipping against my face as I exhaled sharply, but my breath caught in my throat and I cursed at the irregular thump of my heart pounding in my chest, my cheeks warm – and _not_ because of the sun. Swallowing thickly, I shut my eyes, inhaling and exhaling through my nose to ease my sudden wave of nerves. It didn’t cool my body down, though, if anything it made me warmer, thinking of the way Elliott’s eyes dug into mine, as if searching for my deepest darkest secret. I barely managed a whisper, “Is it getting hot in here, or what?”

“Technically,” my twenty-year-old brother, Graden, spoke up, making me jump out of my skin from fright at his sudden voice. My eyes snapped open to pierce him with a frustrated scowl, “it’s not hot  _in_   _here_ , because we’re outside. But yes, it is hot here. The sun isn’t being blocked by clouds today so we’re being hit pretty hard with a ridiculous amount of heat. Look,” Graden nodded out across the water, “you can even see the heat-waves.” He rolled his eyes at me. “The solar-system is a very well structured, we’re the perfect estimation away from the sun to able to live beneath the rays without burning to a crisp.” He frowned at his slightly red arms. “Well, most of the time, at least.” I smirked to myself, _somebody_ forgot to wear sunscreen. Graden scowled at his arms a moment longer before lifting his ever-so-blue eyes to me. “I thought the whole reason you wanted to go to the beach was because it was so hot.”

I shrugged, my mind finally catching up to the eye contact I was having with my brother, causing me to divert my gaze quickly and efficiently. I didn’t want to come here because it was _hot_ , although that was an important factor, but the main reason was because I _knew_ the Prince brothers would be shirtless. How could one ignore the gorgeous sight of shirtless Prince boys?

Graden huffed beside me. “You’re such a dork.”

I raised an eyebrow at that, about to flip him off, but thought against it, preferring to hit him. But the trouble that would get me--

“Bill!” I shouted and glanced over at my father who lowered his book so he could look at me, raising one of his eyebrows in question. “Can I  _please_ go and live with mum?” Not that it was possible, but I liked to ask, just to rile him up a little bit. Also because it was best to ask a question which would have a negative response, therefore increasing my chances of an affirmative later on.

“No.” His response was automatic, no hesitation, as if he were expecting that question – he probably was – and heightened the book to continue reading.

“Then can I  _please_  hit him?” I whined. He lowered the book once more, his eyes narrowed into a slight disapproving glare before giving a quick tilt of his head, the clear confirmation obvious. I smirked and leaned forward, my hand swinging out to whack Graden on the back of the head. I relocated myself as soon as the impact was made, my knees sliding along the sand as Graden moved to smack me back.

“I think I’m going to go for a swim right about now,” I grinned cheekily, but it fell flat when Graden turned away. I swallowed, forcing the smile back as I shrugged off his ignoring of me and rolled over, blowing Graden a kiss which he _didn’t_ miss as I rolled onto all fours, scrambling to my feet. I did my best to calm my fast-beating heart as I raced across the sand, stumbling here and there in small foot-holes I hadn’t noticed while sitting a good distance from the water. I passed by Freyne Prince and Ike Prince as they helped Jackson and themselves to a clump of sand, picking up piles and squishing them into balls. I watched as they began to throw the sand toward Kerrick Prince and Chester Prince, both unsuspecting and unpleasantly surprised by the sudden attack. Chester shouted, lifting an arm to block the violence, whilst Kerrick ducked, dropping to his knees, digging his own fingers into the sand. Kerrick was the only one wearing a shirt, a long shirt, too big for him and belonging to Berling, most likely. I knew it wouldn’t stay on him for too long, though, it would get too hot and somebody would make him take it off. Kerrick stood back up, his quiet presence standing beside Chester as he offered sand balls which Chester gratefully accepted, and then it was a war between all of them, sand flying everywhere.

Anybody would think that they would be mature with their ages, all over the ripened age of eighteen. Anybody would think they’d have some respect for the patrons trying to enjoy this sunny day by the water, not wanting to be hit with loose bits of sand which missed one of the Princes’.

I hid my grin as I raced into the water, my legs hitting the icy liquid, the cooler temperature making my mind momentarily blank. A moment in my life where I could truly just relax my body, mentally folding myself down into the depths that could consume me so easily. So peacefully. I found it easy to ignore the sudden spikes of cold attacking my body as I continued to rush forward, kicking my legs up as the water became deeper and deeper. The cool water rushed along my skin and my rapid heart-beat slowly calmed down to a moderate rhythm. Once the water was finally at my waist I kicked up off the sand, diving into the cold liquid. My arms and legs moved in sync as I submerged myself beneath the water, propelling my body further and further out into the ocean. 

No words could express my amazement at the ocean. I loved it. I loved the water, I loved the fact that so many exquisite fish and other creatures lived under the deep blue abyss. I loved how we had this large part of the world that sparkled beneath moonlight and sunlight. I _loved_ the ocean.

I hated that I was beginning to sound like my brother, Graden.

My lungs screamed for air sooner than I had expected and I swam back to the glimmering surface, breaking through with a heavy gasp of fresh air. I sucked in a deep breath, looking around as I wiggled my arms around, keeping myself afloat. I sighed, relaxing as much as I could in the water while my feet barely brushed the sand beneath me. I moved to float on my back, looking up at the sun and the open sky, not a cloud in sight, just as Graden had said. It was such a brilliant day for the beach. Which _was_ the entire reason I had requested we go today. Well, mostly.

I don't know how long I was there for. I don't know how long I laid on my back, floating and relaxing against the water. Bill might tell me to be careful because of sharks, but I trusted the water to keep me safe. It wouldn't destroy that trust, surely.

A dark stab of something echoed in the back of my brain and I did my absolute best to knock it away. I wasn't strong enough, though, and I groaned, reaching up to cup my forehead as awful memories assaulted me. With my mind not on keeping myself a float and the water droplets from my hands sliding into my eyes, my body dropped further into the water. A shout of wary slipped past my lips as I smacked my arms out on either side of me, stopping my body from being sucked into the abyss. I moved my body from its horizontal position and into a slightly more vertical one, inhaling sharply. I shook my head, the water droplets spraying randomly as I turned back around to look at the long plain of sand, the beach. 

Graden was no longer reading. Bill wasn't, either. Elliott, Daiton and Berling had somehow managed to coax Graden into joining a game of beach volleyball. Bill was watching them all carefully. I turned my gaze back to them, the brothers. What could I say, the Prince brothers were all pretty gorgeous. They were all handsome. They had brilliant bodies. Some more so than others, but there was nothing ugly or hideous about them. Their genes were good and they kept themselves physically healthy. Mentally, well…

Addison was a good mix of stimulating and handsome, his wind-swept hair always in such perfect condition. Berling and Daiton were both a ragged kind of suggestive, both had muscles that matched Addison's. Chester was handsome, his shoulder's broader than anybody I’d ever met.  Elliott and Freyne both had the same angular faces, although Elliott's face was shaped with a dark layer of hair framing it, whilst Freyne's hair was _always_ brushed back. Graden was handsome, high cheekbones, very structured. His eyes were even sharper than the rest. Graden was his own beauty Queen. Or beauty King. The quadruplets, Hunter, Ike, Jackson and Kerrick all looked identical. Despite that, however, it was obvious that when in the womb they had been two eggs, both split into two. Hunter and Jackson had higher cheekbones, where Ike and Kerrick had lithe bodies. They were all their own beings, though. Jackson worked his body through dancing, where Hunter jogged and went to the gym with Addison, Berling, Daiton and Elliott. Ike rode his bike, his calf muscles a true blessing, and Kerrick did yoga and Pilates. In saying that, all of them were slender. All of them were gorgeous. 

Except me. Youngest child of the Prince family. _Me_. I don't know what I had done to be cursed with this family. As grounded as they were, nothing was worse than knowing I could never live up to their attractive looks. I could never live up to their intelligence levels. I felt so inadequate when compared to them. 

And I was  _always_  compared to them. 

I had lost fingers and toes to count on from the amount of times someone had asked me what it was like to have eleven older brothers. Each one individual. Each one their own intelligent selves. How it felt to _continuously_ relate myself to them all.

It was painful, but I’d never tell.

I always answered with the same lame remarks. _'Boring’_ or _'not great'_ or _'I hate it'_ or better yet, _'why the hell do you even want to know?_ ' The usual.

And honestly, it _was_ horrible.

For one, they all flew through school, if not  _still_  flying through school. They all passed with straight A's. They all buckled down, getting on with their study and their work. Me? I liked to kick-back and relax. I enjoyed my education as it came, I didn't force myself to work extra, I didn’t take the extension classes they all did, I didn’t even do the advanced level work. I was content with standard, there was nothing wrong with it. I was still happy with my B+ in every class. I wasn't ashamed of that. I _was_ ashamed of the fact that by not bringing that B+ up to an A I was going home to my intelligent brothers and single father and only seeing disappointment in their eyes.

Secondly, the largest gap between my brothers was about two years. That was between Graden and the Quads, Hunter; Ike; Jackson; and Kerrick. Everyone else was around a year apart, sometimes nine months even. It just showed that my parents went at it like bunnies when they were together. So what could possibly explain the three year age gap between the Quads and myself? Of course, it wasn't that bad, but I couldn't help but see it for it truly was. 

_A mistake._

Although, once my mother had discovered that's what I thought of myself, she cut it down. 

That doesn't mean I don't still think it sometimes. 

And lastly, my brothers had no respect for me. They just treated me like a bratty little fifteen-year-old... or, fourteen year old, going on fifteen soon. As a mere burden who needed to be watched twenty-four-seven. I couldn't deny the fact that I acted like a brat toward them but no matter how many times  _I_  tried to change,  _they_  wouldn't. Was it a sibling thing? An older sibling thing? I guess I would never know.

I just knew that I was absolutely _sick of it_. 

_Yeah, but you’re sick of everything, Loran._

I shuddered as the thought passed through me. They were my brothers, they were supposed to teach me things, show me that they cared and understood.

 _Not_  push me away like last week’s garbage.

In fact, the only three that were even _considerably_ nice to me were Chester, Graden and Kerrick, the three main-brains of the family. Sometimes Addison would be nice like them, too, but it was his job as the eldest to tolerate me. I’m sure he wouldn’t care if I was to magically combust at any given moment. None of them would, I knew it.

And the really,  _really_  depressing thing is that no matter how much I _try_ to or how much I _want_ to, no part of me, absolutely none--

No bloody part of me--

Not even a blood cell--

 _No part of me_ could hate them for the way they cut me down--

Because I had fallen so, _so_ badly.

_So badly._

I had fallen for every single brother of mine.

Of course, there comes the multiple non-believers telling me that's not possible. You can't  _love_  more than one person. But I did. I  _did_  and it destroyed me. It _absolutely destroyed me_. The fact that I could look at all eleven of them and have the exact same feelings, the exact same attraction. My heart couldn't handle it. 

 _I_  couldn't handle it.


	2. Chapter Two

**Loran -**

“But Bill!” I cried. My feet stomped down the hall as I marched toward the bathroom where he was shaving, watching himself in the mirror feigning innocence and  _not_  looking at me. 

“I said  _no,_ Loran,” he grunted, turning his head slightly to get the other side of his face. A small part of me wanted him to cut himself for that.

“But Bill--” I tried again. I took a step toward him, stepping into the bathroom. I didn't anticipate somebody wrapping their arms around my waist, hauling me into the air. I gasped as I was dropped onto a shoulder, a hard and broad shoulder. My eyes narrowed, butterflies exploding in my lower stomach as my hands flailed before gripping he back of the shirt tightly. My mind raced over who it was, the shoulder not broad enough to be Chester. Chester wouldn't do this to me, anyway. I squirmed a little, titling my head to the side to see the back of my elder brother, Daiton. Twenty-three and pure brawn. Brain, too, but dammit he had muscle.

“Now, now Princess Lauren, you can’t get everything you want, when you want,” Daiton grinned, taking wide steps that vibrated through his body and into mine as he hopped down the stairs and into the kitchen. I kicked aimlessly, twisting in his grip, but he would not relent his hold on my body. I was almost fifteen for Gods-sake they had to  _stop_  treating me like this. 

“It’s L _o_ ran _,_ not L _au_ ren,” I snapped, feeling his arm loosen ever-so-slightly around me. “Let me go.”

“Yes, Princess,” he breathed, releasing me. The hands that had originally been around my waist dropped away and I rolled off his shoulder. My mouth opened to scream but rough hands grabbed the back of my shirt, swinging me up and around onto another set of shoulder. This set of shoulders were looser than Daiton's but who was I kidding, my brothers were all made of stone. 

When I was younger this had been a daily ritual. As the youngest and shortest of this major-testosterone-all-male family I had been subdued to this treatment since I was born. Being thrown around like a sack of potatoes, waiting for the impact of the floor only to be grabbed a second before touch down. I don't know how my brothers never got in trouble. But I guessed it was because they did it when mum was never around. 

“What’s all this whining about?” Elliott questioned, jostling me around on his shoulder before throwing me to Chester. Chester, who had a piece of toast in his hand. I gasped when he only _just_ caught me, one arm looping around my waist, holding me steady. I exhaled shakily, trusting Chester to not drop me on my face.

"I am not a child anymore!" I snapped, fidgeting in Chester's grip. "Let me go!" Chester shrugged, dropping me to my feet as he left the kitchen with a determined stride. I swallowed, rolling my shoulders and hearing a crack as one of my arms popped uncomfortably. I winced, cradling it against my chest for a moment as I walked across the kitchen. Words slipped from my mouth that I wasn't permitted to say but I didn't care as I hoisted myself onto the bench beside the fruit bowl, grabbing an apple. 

Bill walked into the kitchen then, tying his tie for work as he grabbed some toast that Kerrick and Ike were buttering whilst Jackson and Hunter spread peanut butter and jelly. He didn't even look at me. I wanted to snort at him, to tell him he was being rude. But he might yell at me. So I sat there and munched on my apple noisily. I swallowed, rubbing my arm across my face where the excess juice had dribbled. I smacked my lips, eyeing my father’s back.

"Bill," I spoke up, breathing deeply, dropping onto the ground to drag after him as he walked across the kitchen to the coffee pot. He put the toast in his mouth, holding it between his teeth as he poured himself coffee in a travel mug. He glanced at me out the corner of his eye before turning back to the task at hand. "Bill, come on, it would take  _three_  minutes!"

He finally pulled the toast from his mouth and took a large gulp of coffee, fixing me with his famous I’m-not-in-the-mood-for-this-shit stare. The stare that was only famous when I was involved. Nobody else was given the beautiful treatment of his eye rolling or his exasperated sighs. Only me. I should be _thrilled_. I was getting _all_ the attention, right?

“We have to leave for soccer practice in a minute,” Freyne called as he came in from the dining room, a plate in hand and a mug that originally had coffee in it now sitting on top of it. Elliott walked in behind him, now dressed in his soccer gear with a ball shoved under his armpit. He had Freyne's duffle bag slung over his left shoulder. "I'm also staying at Will's tonight. So don't wait up."

 _That_  set Bill off more than my pestering had. He choked on his coffee and spat his toast out, sending peanut butter and jelly across the room, hitting Jackson in the face. Jackson made a noise of disgust that Bill ignored as he whirled to pin Freyne with a withering glare.

“Excuse me?” He demanded. Freyne’s eyebrow rose as he stared at Bill in confusion. His hands clenched into fists for a moment, until he released them slowly, his shoulders rose for a moment and then dropped down. His entire body relaxed as he regarded Bill will cool eyes, his arms crossing over his chest.

“I told you this two days ago,” he reminded Bill who merely shook his head, an aghast expression spreading across his face.

“You did not! You are not staying at  _Will's_  house!” He raised his voice as he pressed on. Freyne rolled his eyes, taking his bag from Elliott and hiking it over his own shoulders. He didn't seem to notice the disgust that rolled off of Bill's lips when he spoke his friend’s name. Or he did, but he chose to ignore it. 

“Dad, I’m twenty-one, you can’t tell me what to do anymore.” He exhaled, exasperated. I watched, swallowing another bite of my apple as he turned on his heel, leaving the kitchen. Elliott trailed right behind him, looking beyond bored. He didn’t flinch as Bill’s voice shouted after them.

“You are not staying over there!”

“Yes, I am!”

“No! You are not! You are coming straight back home!”

“Love you, see you tomorrow!”

“Fuck,” Bill growled the bad word which I was absolutely, one hundred percent not allowed to say. He ran a hand through his almost non-existent hair, he glanced back at me, his eyes narrowing. "Don't even think about it, Loran." He spun around, pointing to Addison who had walked into the kitchen at some point, standing beside Kerrick as he finished buttering the last piece of toast. The pointed finger had him looking at Bill in surprise, as if he were being accused of a crime he had not committed. "You." Addison pointed to himself in confusion and Bill nodded. "Will take him." Bill turned his finger to Kerrick, "to the library. You will then return and take Ike to his scouts club and Hunter to his basketball training. _I_ will take Jackson to dance class."

Addison looked as if he were ready to argue back but the narrow eyed look on Bill’s face made him think differently. Bill normally wasn’t crabby at his brilliant heir, but at me. Addison pulled a face, but he nodded, taking Kerrick's wrist. Kerrick glanced up at him, tugging his wrist away and holding it to his chest. His eyes flickered to Addison’s, a short, brief message passing between the two of them.  

"Do you need to get changed?" Addison queried, taking in Kerrick's pyjama pants and tank top. Kerrick nodded, closing the butter and sliding it to Ike who thanked him before putting it in the fridge. Kerrick then left to head up to the bedroom which he shared with Hunter, Ike and Jackson. He moved slowly, his lips parted as he breathed gently, but never did any words escape him. 

Kerrick didn’t talk much. Mum once used the term ‘selectively mute,’ but it became worse when-- I squeezed my eyes shut, freezing the memory before it could assault my brain and ruin this day anymore. I opened my eyes, shaking and ducking my head to avoid eye contact as I walked through the kitchen, keeping my thoughts on today and everything that was happening _now_ and not the past, I wasn’t supposed to think about the past.

_Stay in the moment, Loran._

I opened the trash can to dump my apple core inside, turning to leave the room. I hoped to get up the stairs and down the hall to my bedroom before I was targeted next by a rampaging Bill. I had a single foot out of the archway that separated the kitchen and the rest of the house when Bill’s sharp voice cut me off. I cringed.

"Loran." I licked my lips, turning to look at the man as he stood over me. "You will go with Berling to work. Might help you learn something for a change." I barely stopped my eyebrows from jumping at his words, crossing my arms over my chest tightly instead. I bit my lower lip, his words swirling in my head. _Learn something for a change_. Wow. That _stung_.

Berling snorted, his steps echoing on the tiled floor as he walked into the kitchen. He was holding a bowl of milk, his grip tight as if were scared the Cookie Monster would jump out at any moment to dunk his cookies in the milk. I eyed the lack of cereal, my nose scrunching up in distaste. I wasn’t sure how he managed to eat the cereal without the milk. He dumped his bowl into the sink, raising a perfectly sculptured eyebrow at Bill and myself. 

I scoffed, he claimed not to touch his eyebrows, but I was calling bullshit on that. Nobody just woke up with eyebrows like that. I would know.

“We’re taking the bike. So maybe you should go and get into something a little more..." Berling trailed off as his eyes raked me. I licked my lips, squirming uncomfortably at his intense gaze. I could feel heat beginning to pool in my stomach and urged it away quickly. "A little more suitable?" His gaze dropped onto my tight skinny jeans and I cursed myself at the unhelpful swell of heat which seemed to gather _there_ as his eyes scanned me. I inhaled sharply, stepping away from the scrutiny in his gaze, poking my tongue out at him. "We'll leave in five minutes. So hurry it up."

I scowled, turning around to hurry from the kitchen. I stomped my way up the stairs, whispering a curse word as I tossed my head over my mouth to call out, “don’t pressure me! Clothes take time!"

“Our mornings are always entertaining, aren’t they?” Addison mumbled as he walked into the lounge room. I caught a flash of his dark hair as he sat on the couch. I turned away when his head turned to look at me ascending the staircase.

“Oh yes,” I heard Jackson mumble, his dining chair scraping backward, “it’s a wonder we aren’t on that show-- Um, what’s it called, again?”

“My family rocks?”

“No, no, the other one-”

“Modern family?”

“No-- Well, actually, that would work, so yeah, I guess.”

“Yeah lil' brother, we should be on that!”

I heard a series of replies from different people as I scrambled up the staircase, tugging my shirt up and over my head. I walked along the hallway, all the way down to the last bedroom. It was about as big as a closet and the only room that was left after my brothers had been born. There wasn't a chance of us finding a house bigger than this which was affordable for out kind of budget, so we stuck to this brick work and I was shoved in the smallest room. Which made sense, of course. That didn’t mean I _liked_ it. I pushed my bedroom door open, slamming it against the wall as I tore my jeans off, stumbling into the middle of the room.

“Stupid Bill,” I muttered, nibbling my lower lip as I stood there in my Superman boxers, my toes curling at the scent of filthy clothes. "Can't take his own son to the beach." I reached down and grabbed a pair of sweats, bringing them up to my nose to sniff at them. They smelt clean. I tore them on, still grumbling under my breath. I grabbed my overly-sized band shirt, a birthday present from Kerrick from a couple of years ago. He told me I would grow into it. You know, when I gained the muscles that my brothers all had.

I snorted. That would never happen.

I reached for my boots, sliding them over my socks. I tucked my phone in my pocket, sliding my brown hoodie over my shoulders. I spun around, looking at myself in the cracked mirror which sat in the corner of my room. I shrugged. I looked okay, that would be okay. Spinning around I reached for the door handle, stepping into the hallway and slamming the door shut behind me. I stopped as the sound echoed through the house, cringing as I gripped the handle again, opening the door softly and closing it gently. When I was content, I took a deep breath, spinning around--

Only to get a face full of skin-covered muscle. I gasped, stepping away quickly, my back hitting my bedroom door. I glanced up, taking in his whole appearance. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his muscles were rippling and flexing and I almost drooled. I didn’t, of course, because that would be disgusting. I swallowed thickly, my eyes dropping to his shoulders, hard and broad. A brief scene played in my head, of my nails digging into the skin on his shoulders, breaking the skin as I moaned. Addison's arms would be around, holding me tightly--

“If you would stop eye-raping me for a second, I’d like to show you something,” Addison chuckled. My breath hitched for a split second before I managed to compose myself. I snapped my eyes back up to meet his sterile blue ones. Shit, shit, shit, _crap_. I'd been caught. 

I had been caught in the act. Crap.

My fingers shook so I clenched my hands into fists, heat bursting across my face. I swallowed audibly, the sound like a wet bomb going off. Surely Addison could see and hear how nervous I was? Why couldn’t I be tranquil like my brothers? Why did I have to be me? I knew I’d get caught one day-- Addison laughed. "Chill, Loran. I'm messing with you."

“Oh,” I managed weakly, forcing a wobbly smile at Addison. He reached into his pocket and I watched, my eyes clouding with confusion as he passed me a tiny box. "What is this?"

“A set of keys for the shack, think of it as my early birthday present to you, yeah?”

My breath caught. The shack? I looked down at the box, my breath still caught in my throat until I remembered that it was important to breathe. I tore the top off, dipping my hand in to take out the small set of keys. I turned the metal solids over in my palm, they were cool to the touch and I nibbled on my lower lip. I dropped the box to the floor, honestly not caring that much for it at the moment. Instead I held the keys in my hand, I felt the weight of them as they nestled in my palm, the smooth silver. The pad of my thumb ran along the side, only to stop at a bumpy patch. I frowned, rubbing my thumb over the initials marked into them. L.F.P. My heat seemed to swell and the burn of tears pressed at the back of my eyes.

 Loran Fredrick Prince.

The shack was our families little house down on the beach. It had basically been our holiday house, despite the smallness of it. It would only fit nine people – perhaps ten – overnight and I remember growing up with all eleven of my brothers going there with Bill. I was _always_ left behind with mum. I never understood how they all fit inside but I had a hunch that they slept under the stars. They had a childhood filled with memories of the shack and the stars and each other, while I had a childhood filled with my mother and the couch and movies and a lot of popcorn and chocolate. 

The shack was a special place, somewhere I wanted to go with Kerrick and Graden, maybe Chester and Addison too. I'd never had the opportunity, though. Until now. I looked down at the keys again. I had my very own set. I could go whenever I wanted. Given somebody would drive me.

I swallowed, stepping forward to wrap my arms around Addison's chest. I exhaled slowly, pressing my forehead to his chest, "thank you, Addison."

Addison didn't say anything. I didn't expect him to. I felt his arms encircle me, his chin resting atop my head. He was warm, the way older brothers should be. The burn at the back of my eyes intensified so I blinked it away, clinging a little tighter. I didn't want to let go. Not because of the feelings I had, but because this was my brother. He was my brother and I couldn't even remember the last time I had hugged him. The last time I had hugged any of them. 

“Just don’t let dad find out until  _after_  your birthday,” Addison finally whispered, pulling away to grin down at me. I nodded, blinking the last tears back. Addison stared at me, his eyes gorgeous and intense and I wanted to reach up and-- He then ruined the moment. He pinched my nose, blowing me a raspberry, a silly childish thing. He spun around and left me, walking down the hallway to fetch Kerrick.

“Loran! I can _not_ be late! Get your ass down here!” I jumped a little at Berling’s voice as it echoed through the house. I quickly pushed past Addison as I ran the rest of the way down the hallway, tucking the keys safely into my back pocket as I skipped down the stairs. Berling stood at the base of the staircase, but I skipped right past him, ducking as his hand swung around to whack the back of my head.

I continued out the front door only stopping once I was at his motorbike. I stood there, tapping my foot impatiently. Berling walked out the front door a second later, closing the door behind him and scowling at me as he walked over. He stood beside me, flipping his keys out before hoisting his leg over his shiny red motorbike. 

"You gonna stand there all day and make me late, or are you gonna get on the bike?"

I scoffed at his exasperation, stepping closer. I made no move to slide onto the motorbike, though. “There’s this thing that I’m into, maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called safety.” I tapped at my temple. Berling scowled, grabbing one of the two helmets he kept on the bench beside his motorbike.

 “Shit,” somebody behind us laughed and I glanced over my shoulder as Addison appeared at the entrance of the garage, Kerrick standing at the car door, his backpack in his arms. “Ber, he’s taking after you.” Addison chuckled again, shaking his head. He winked at me as he turned around, giving a healthy sight of his backside. I resisted the urge to lick my lips, instead turning to Berling who shoved the pink helmet into my hands. I smiled, placing it on my head before swinging myself on behind him. I wrapped my arms around his torso tightly, feeling how hot he was. I pressed my head to his back, breathing slowly. I was so close to him.

“Safety,” Berling muttered under his breath, but didn’t say anything else on the matter. Berling revved the engine, glancing back at me as he put his own helmet on. He didn’t wait for anything, and if he was I’m not sure what it could have been, as he started the bike, leading it up the driveway. It wasn’t until we were on the road that Berling revved the engine once more, speeding the damn thing up. My fingers dug into his shirt and I pressed my head into his back, hating the wind as it whipped past. 

I squeezed my eyes shut. God, I hated the wind.

It just annoyed me so much, the way it whistled in your ear and made you feel like you were suffocating. The way it blew your hair around like little whips and smacked you in the eye or mouth and just made you want to scream profanities. It was such a hassle.

I hated it.

“Don’t touch anything,” Berling yelled out as he turned a sharp corner, coming to a closed garage door, “because I will not hesitate to smack you.” I nodded mutely, ignoring the small thrill which zipped through me at his words. I eyed the graffiti on the garage roller doors, distracting myself from the heat bubbling my blood, but it was hard because every time I shut my eyes I was being assaulted with images of being laid over Berling’s thighs, his hand raised and-- I pulled a face, shaking my head to rid the thoughts.  Berling shut off the engine once the bike came to a stop and I exhaled in relief.

“Good.” He shook from my grip, “now get off me.”

I reluctantly swung off the bike, watching with keen eyes as he tucked the keys into his pocket. If I watched everything he did with a good eye, maybe I could distract myself from growing hard. I gasped as the hood of my jacket was yanked, making me stumble. Berling pulled me toward the garage door, pressing a button to make it begin rolling up. He didn’t let go over my jacket, though, and standing this close to him wasn’t doing anything good for my self-control.

“Your job for the day is to give and take car keys, understood?” Berling pushed me into the garage and I breathed out with relief when he released me. I sat down on a pile of crates beside the work bench, grabbing a bucket which was sitting upside down on the floor. I smiled a toothy and sarcastic grin at Berling as he walked past me, opening all the windows and doors.

The day passed rather uneventfully. I collected the keys from people who wanted their cars fixed and gave keys back to those who had already had their car serviced. Berling labelled all of the keys he took in and made me do it when he was called over by another worker. I got more tape on myself than on the actual keys, but the job got done, and I think that’s all that mattered to Berling.

I rested my head against the wall behind me, the bucket in my lap and my phone in my back pocket. They were the only two things I could physically feel, besides my clothes resting on my skin, scratching me or sticking uncomfortably. The day had passed uneventfully, yes, and it had passed _slowly_ and I was not a slow person, I loved rush. I loved adrenaline and I was _bored_.

Well, I _was_ bored. Until my phone decided to buzz in my pocket. As soon as the buzz vibrated my leg my body jolted forward, knocking the bucket off my lap and onto the ground. The keys made a loud bang and rattle as they spilled everywhere, but I couldn’t see them. Everything was suddenly hazy, a blur with grey tinges. Swallowing I reached for my phone, standing up slowly. A dark cloud was floating over my brain, a thick fog which I couldn’t see through. I glanced over at Berling, hoping he had heard the bang, but he hadn’t. He was standing beside a car, his shirt off and a towel covered in grease hanging limply over his shoulder. He wiped his hands on his now-filthy jeans and I knew Bill was going to shout at him for it. He dragged a muscular arm along his brow, wiping sweat from it and for an instant the dark haze disappeared as I focused on my brother.

My phone buzzed again. 

I gave a start, inhaling sharply as I dug my phone out of my pocket. The fog came back. I looked down at the screen as it flashed with the same three letters it always did. It could only be my imagination, and I knew that I shouldn’t answer it, but I couldn’t ignore it. The urge to answer it was too powerful because _mum_ was calling  _me_. _Only me_.

I answered the phone with a flick of my finger, pressing it to my ear in a heartbeat. My mouth was dry, but that didn’t stop me from cracking the single word out.

“Hello?”

“Son.”

“Hi mum,” I breathed out as the voice gurgled in my ear. I glanced up at Berling again, but he was still distracted, talking to one of his work mates now. They looked as if they were lost in conversation, talking about the engine in one of the older cars. Swallowing, I stepped over the mess of keys and left the garage, ducking under the roller doors.

“Son.”

“Yeah, it’s me,” I confirmed, my chest constricted and I gasped, a lump forming in my throat.

“I’m sorry.” Mum's voice drifted through again, her voice drowning behind a thick rumble in the background. It sounded like waves and instantly the fog in my mind intensified, blocking any thoughts. I stepped toward a bench seat which looked like it couldn’t hold a mouse. I sat down, risking my luck as I tucked my chin in my hand, my elbow settling on my knee.

“No,  _I’m_  sorry.” I had to stress it. Because I _was_ sorry. _So sorry_.

“I love you, remember tha-” Her voice cut off in a wet gurgle and I winced as memories thrashed at the dark cloud, demanding to break-free, but I wouldn’t let them. I couldn’t let them.

“I love you too,” I reassured, my breath catching painfully around the lump in my throat. I stood up, needing to walk, to move my legs. To clear my head. I walked over to Berling’s motorbike, my fingers trailing the leather seat. I opened my mouth to say something else, but I wasn’t sure what. At the same time my mother breathed out raggedly, choking. I froze, squeezing my eyes shut. I hated this. I opened my mouth again, desperate to connect with her, but a heavy hand fell on my shoulder and I barely managed to stifle a scream, spinning around and dropping my phone in the process. It hit the ground between our feet. It barely made a noise when it made impact, but it felt like the entire world had just exploded around me. I looked down at it, about to grab it, but Berling bent, flipping it over in his palm to look at the screen.

“Loran,” he shook his head, his lips pressing together. My hands clenched into fists as my arms fell limply to my sides. The horrible urge of tears pressed at the back of my eyes and I cursed myself.

_Stop it, Loran. Stop it._

Berling sighed, tucking the phone into his pocket and as it disappeared so did the black haze. I swallowed, staring down at our feet, my hands still clenched tightly. Dammit. Berling snapped his fingers at me and I looked up, despite not wanting to. He stood in front of me, his arms crossed over his chest, his face set.

“I would rather you didn’t listen to pretend phone calls when you’re supposed to be working.”

I tensed at his choice of words, my hands coiling into fists as I stared at him. I blinked back the tears that threatened to spill, fighting to get control of myself. But it was _so hard_. The way he spoke to me, the way they all spoke to me. Like I was an unfortunate child who just happened to plunk themselves in the middle of the family. Like I had a choice in who my family was. If I did, I would not have chosen them. Because as it was, it would be illegal for me to ever be with them. I inhaled slowly, calming myself, finally managing to get my voice back. My words snapped out as soon as I was stable.

“It wasn’t pretend! She must have just hung up before you got to see!” I snapped, trying not to swear because that would only get me in trouble. My foot did stomp, though. As if I were the child I always fought to prove I wasn't. Berling regarded me with cold, steady eyes. I flinched at just the look, my gaze dropping to his pocket. His hand dropped to it, too, and he took my phone out. He flipped it over in his palm for a moment, looking at it quizzically before tossing it to me. I caught it, cradling it against my chest like it were a precious gem.  

"Whatever. Who was it this time? Your girlfriend?"

“No.” I opened my phone and looked at my screen. A women sat in the picture, her brown curls cascading around her face, her eyes crinkled with a smile, her brown iris’ shining beautifully. “It was mum.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Loran -**

I should _not_ have been surprised when Berling tore my phone from my grasp again.

I should _not_ have been surprised when he unlocked it and scrolled through my recent contacts.

I should _not_ have been surprised when he put in his pocket and grabbed my arm.

I _should_ have expected when his grip tightened on my forearm, as if he worried I would run away. I possibly would have, had his hold not been so strong. There would most likely be bruises in the morning, but that wasn’t what I was worrying about. I was worried about what Berling would do.

I _should_ have kept my big mouth shut. I _knew_ that.

“We’re going home!” He growled at me, turning us around to walk back into the garage where he repeated the three words to his work mate. The man frowned at us but didn’t say anything. Berling rarely left work early, so it must have come as a surprise, but the man wouldn’t have any reason for forcing Berling to stay. I did feel a twinge of guilt at the car keys on the ground, neglected and forgotten. I was about to say something, to let somebody know that people would need their car keys back eventually, but Berling tugged on my forearm, dragging me back to the motorbike.

"Get on." Berling shoved the helmet into my chest. “Don’t forget your safety.” I looked down at the helmet then up at Berling. He was glaring at me. I licked my lips, clinging to the helmet.

“Berling,” I began carefully. “Let me expla--”

Berling shook his head, cutting my words off by how abrupt he was. His eyes settled on me, the glare gone and replaced with a determined and cold stare.  “Get on the fucking bike, Loran."

I gave up on talking and nodded, my entire body tense as I slid onto the back of the bike. I leaned back so Berling could hop on in front of me and as he put his helmet on I slid mine on, trying to ignore the trembling in my hands. Berling started the engine and I instantly wrapped my fingers around his waist, forgetting he was shirtless until my palms pressed to his hard abdomen. He was so incredibly warm. Berling revved the engine and began to move the bike, leading it onto the road, where he sped up. I clung and squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my head to the back of his shoulder.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to tell them when mum called. I had made that mistake once when I was ten and learnt at the age of eleven to never say it again, to keep it a secret between me, myself and I. How had I managed to fuck it up so badly today? Was it was because I felt the need to prove them wrong? I was sick of them always being right. Always poking fun at me because I could never be like them. Maybe some part of me wanted to make them realise that just because I was the youngest did not necessarily mean I was always wrong. They could be wrong too, sometimes.

I swallowed as we turned a corner and the wind screamed in my ear. I shook my head, cursing at the wind and cursing at Berling for catching me. Had he left me, for just a minute longer so I could say goodbye. So I could tell my mother how much I loved her, how much I missed her…

We were home sooner than I had hoped. Berling forced me off the bike the second the engine had cut, one of his hands yanking the helmet off my head with a strength which made me wonder how my ear was still intact. I did my best to ignore his painfully good looks, his golden skin that was only so perfect because of our house being on the verge of the beach.

“Get inside,” Berling snapped and I shuddered, stepping away from him to look at my surroundings. We were in the front yard, closer to the front door than the back door. What were the chances of me being able to get away before he-- Berling's hand clamped down on my wrist, twisting it painfully. He pulled me along with him as he walked toward the front door which he pushed open without any trouble. We had a tendency to not lock the front door during the day, so long as somebody was home. It helped that our neighbourhood was nice, families everywhere, an elderly couple a few houses down and a family park at the corner. There was also a church around the corner which everybody found themselves attending every Sunday.

Not me, though. I didn’t see the need to worship somebody in a building, surrounded by people. I was content to sit in my backyard, just myself and my thoughts and pray to my God there. It worked for me. Bill didn’t appreciate my lack of attendance, but I couldn’t say I cared what Bill thought.

I blinked rapidly, staggering as I tripped over the carpet in the living room. Berling’s hand on me kept from going down, but at no point did he slow his stride. He pulled me into the kitchen, finally releasing me so I stumbled, barely catching myself from falling to my knees in the centre of the kitchen. I righted myself, brushing my shirt off, my hands still trembling. I lifted my head to look around, my nose twitching at the most delicious scent I had smelt all day. Chester was standing at the stovetop, cooking, whilst Graden sat on the bench beside the fruit bowl, chewing a pear while he read. I wanted to tell him off for sitting in my spot, but I bit my tongue, my eyes searching out the one brother I knew would get on my case if Berling was to say anything. My eyes landed on him a split second later, his hip resting against the bench where Graden sat, his fingers scrolling through his phone. He looked up at our entrance, his eyes immediately falling on me.

“You’re home early.” Addison spoke dryly, glancing at Berling briefly.

“You’re right,” Berling nodded, crossing his arms over his chest, “would you like to tell them why, Loran?”

I ignored him, glancing around to see Kerrick and Daiton playing a game of chess at the dining table, which was viewable through the hole in the wall, a serving hatch or pass-through as many people called it. I stood up straighter, walking over to the fruit bowl with a confidence I wasn’t feeling. I grabbed an apple and slid onto the bench beside Graden, on the other side of the fruit bowl. Closest to the exit.

“Loran,” Berling tried again, but I flipped him off, much to chagrin of Addison who placed his phone on the bench at Graden’s thigh, his hand resting on his hip as he regarded me calmly.

“Loran,” Addison’s voice held no room for argument. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t try. “What did you do?”

“Nothing!” I spat defensively, taking an aggressive bite of my apple as if to prove a point. Why did they always assume I _did_ something? Maybe Berling did something! I glared down at the apple in my hand, rolling the bite I had just taken around in my mouth.

“Not ‘ _nothing_ ,’” Berling used his fingers to make air quotes and I scowled at him, swallowing my bite to take another, this time in his direction. Berling stepped further into the kitchen, tossing my phone at Addison who wasn’t prepared and almost dropped it. He didn’t, thankfully. Both Kerrick and Daiton peered in through the hatch in the wall, Daiton leaning further in to see what the fuss was about, while Kerrick leaned back a little bit, his eyes searching for mine. I met them in an instant and he looked _sad_. But I could read Kerrick and I knew he was asking me if I was okay. I nodded.

“Wow Ber,” Daiton snorted, shaking his head. “You now confiscate people’s phones?” Kerrick smiled at me reassuringly over Daiton’s shoulder, and I forced one back, even if it was wobbly. “What, did he get a call from his girlfriend?”

“No,” Berling huffed at Daiton, poking his tongue out. And they called me the child. “It wasn’t from his _girlfriend_.” Berling turned back to Addison, his expression serious. “It was from mum.”

The entire atmosphere seemed to several degrees. Kerrick’s smile fell and his eyes turned away from mine, his entire body turned away from me, actually. Chester’s shoulders tensed as he lifted the wooden spoon to taste what he was cooking. Daiton swallowed audibly, dropping his gaze to glare at the closest inanimate object. Graden choked on his pear, dropping it and watching with wide eyes as it cluttered to the floor loudly. Addison looked from Berling to me, his face neutral.

“Is that true?”

I decided then and there that I was not going to put up with this. Swallowing the last bite of my apple I slid off the bench, chucking the core in the compost bin. I looked over at Addison, biting back the bile which was steadily rising in my throat. I held my hand out, clearly expressing my want for my phone. Addison ignored me and I scowled. Fine. If he wouldn’t give it back to me I would just leave without it. I spun on my heel, fully prepared to leave the kitchen. A hand clasped onto my shoulder and I flinched.

“Loran,” Addison’s voice was firm, but even I could hear the slight wobble in his tone. “Is that true?”

Addison’s fingers dug into my shoulder and I winced, inhaling raggedly as he forced me to turn around. I didn’t look at him, I kept my eyes on the floor, on our feet, a pang in my chest at how different our feet sizes were. It was a helpful distraction, though, because I couldn’t look into his eyes, knowing I would tell him the truth and I knew the outcome would not be in my favour.

“Loran,” Addison pressed, his other hand touching my other shoulder, locking me in place. My heart pounded, my body stiffening as I realised I was trapped, not strong enough to pull from his grip. Swallowing tightly, I licked my trembling lips and forced out a single, wavering lie.

 “No.”

Addison’s fingers squeezed my shoulders and I gasped, flinching away. He held me in place and I felt the horrible burn at the back of my eyes. I ignored it though, squeezing my eyes shut an exhaling slowly to compose myself. Addison’s voice was hard, the accusation sharp, “You’re lying.”

I inhaled. "No.” I shook my head quickly, trying to pull away, but Addison wouldn’t relent. If anything, his grip tightened. I licked my lips, staring hard at Addison’s chest. “I want Bill." But I didn’t. No, who I really wanted was mum. Mum would hold me and tell Addison off. But she wasn’t here, was she? Her warmth, her embrace, it was all lost.

“ _Dad_ is at work, you’re stuck with us." Addison’s voice shifted, his tone lowering to something softer, slower, as if he were talking to a complete imbecile. “With me.”

I tried to pull away once more, but it was pointless. Addison was strong, and I was weak. A stark contrast which had never seemed so emphasised until this very moment. I squirmed, the burn at the back of my eyes intensifying and the bile in my throat rising drastically. I panicked for a moment, a single moment, worried I wouldn’t be able to hold anything down, the vomit or the sobs, so I lashed out.

“I don't want to talk to you!” I spat the words, my hands raising to grab at Addison, but he released my shoulders, latching onto my wrists instead and halting my movements. I almost screamed, but it caught in my throat and I instead squirmed and twisted, my knees giving out and I felt myself falling, but Addison hauled me to my feet, spinning me around and pinning me to the bench where Graden was.

I only glimpsed Graden for a second, seeing his widened eyes and pale face, before Addison’s hand gripped my jaw, forcing me to look at him. He had dropped one of my wrists, but my mind was whirling and I didn’t have the power to lash again. Shame bubbled in my stomach for doing it the first time, over such a small thing.

Addison caught my eye, his intense blue making it impossible to look away. He didn’t speak for a long moment, only holding my gaze, his eyes narrowed, but his face soft. He was still my brother. He exhaled, shaking his head. “That’s too bad, Loran.” He dug his hand into his pocket, withdrawing my phone, clicking onto it and scrolling through something. He broke the eye contact, lowering his gaze to stare at my phone. My heart pounded against my ribcage as Addison shook his head, a soft noise escaping his lips, but not quite a sigh. I kept my eyes on his face, watching as he twisted my phone around so I could see the screen. The burning transformed into tears which layered my eyes, and I was too scared to blink or not blink, for fear of tears falling with both decisions.

“Look at this.” Addison scrolled through my contacts, a whole list of names, the majority of them my brothers and Bill, each ending with the name Prince, but there was no Felicity Prince. My mother’s name was _not_ there. Nor was the word _mum_.

I ground my teeth together, clenching my jaw and staring up at him defiantly, the tears brimmed but I didn’t dare let them fall. I may be the youngest, but I was not weak.

Addison released me, stepping away slowly. I didn’t move, couldn’t bring myself to bolt. I was worried that if I broke eye contact with Addison, I’d crumble. My knees were already beginning to shake, but I used the bench as a crutch, holding myself up with its strength. Addison’s fingers fiddled with my phone, but his eyes stayed on me, I noticed out my peripheral vision as Graden slid off the bench, rubbing his hands over his arms as he walked slowly over to Chester, who had his back to us, his shoulders a tense line. Graden slipped his hand up his back, rubbing it gently, and Chester’s shoulders slowly dropped down and he picked up a spoon to mix what he was making.

Why couldn’t Graden rub _my_ shoulders? Why wasn’t I being comforted?

“Loran,” Addison snapped my attention back to himself and I realised my eyes had drifted over his shoulder. I stared up at him and down at his hand as he showed me the number he’d typed in. My heart stopped pounding, my blood turned cold and my breath felt like it was ripped from me. It was my mother’s number.

Addison pressed the call button. “Look, Loran. Listen.”

“Don’t,” I croaked, hating myself for the crack in my voice. I reached up pathetically to grab my phone, but then the operator’s voice cracked through the kitchen.

“This phone is out of use. Please call your service director.”

“Loran,” Addison’s voice wavered, but he kept it steady. “You know better than anybody that mum is not coming back--”

“Shut up!” I shouted, maybe screeched. I locked my knees in place, begging for them to stop shaking. I pushed myself off the bench, snatching my phone from Addison’s grip and striding out of the kitchen. I kept my head down, passing Kerrick, who thankfully stood back, knowing I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t run, I didn’t want to look like I was fleeing, even though it was blatantly obvious that I was. My steps were wide and I took the stairs two at a time, making my way into the hallway, following it down to my bedroom.

I threw my door open, cringing as it hit the wall. I pushed the bout of worry down, though, slamming it shut. The house seemed to rattle with the force, but I didn’t give myself enough time to process anything as I grabbed my chest of drawers and slid it in front of the door. Once it was in place, and I had a moment to register where I was and what my body was telling me, I screamed.

It was a god-awful scream, one I never wanted to hear again, let-alone be the producer of. If mum was here, she’d wrap me up in a hug and hold me tight, she’d stroke my hair and she’d tell me I was her precious boy and she loved me and she’d protect me but she wasn’t here and I was alone in this god forsaken world and I hated it, I hated everything. I hated myself.

In frustration I threw my phone at the wall, hearing a crack. I didn’t care if it was my phone breaking, or the wall. I didn’t care. I threw myself next, into the corner where the chest of drawers had been. I pressed my back to the wall, sliding down and wrapping my arms around my legs, squeezing my eyes shut as the tears dripped. It started slow, a small dribble of water, the beginning of a storm with a couple rain drops, to warn people of what was to come. The storm brewed for a short moment, the rain coming heavier and drenching my heart, and then a crack of thunder made my chest ache, the sound echoing through the room. Thunder, with no lightning, continued to crack, my chest convulsing as I sobbed.

I hated the sound.

I hated that it was the pathetic outcome of the way they treated me. Always, _always_ needing to prove me wrong. I was sick of it. Absolutely sick of it, why couldn’t they just treat me like I was valid? Like I was one of them? I hated how they made me feel, but most importantly, I hated how I felt about them. I hated these emotions and feelings that swam around in my stomach, desperate to be released through hoarse cries and pleas.

I was just  _sick_  of it.

“Loran?”

My sobs stilled at Graden’s voice, the storm coming to halt. It was a ray of sunshine, desperate to push through, but I refused to allow it. I sunk my teeth into my lower lip, rubbing at my face quickly as I pushed myself to my feet. I put a lid on everything as I stumbled to my feet, turning to look at the chest of drawers and the door. The door handle jiggled, moving a little bit, forcing the drawers to move. I swallowed, praying to God that it wouldn’t budge anymore.

“Loran,” Graden was the peacekeeper between us. “Lorie, you have to open this door. You know the rules.” He was the one we trusted to make everything okay. He did his utmost best to never fight with us, although sometimes he did. The fights with Graden, like the ones with Kerrick, were always the worst ones, because they never wanted to yell back, they were always so polite, no matter how horrible you were to them. It meant that when you said hurtful words, they tucked them away and reflected on them, but they would never use them back to make you feel guilty, which only made you feel guiltier.

I wished they had sent up Daiton. He’d yell at me for a short moment and then it would be over.

“Loran?” I did my best to ignore him, shaking my head as I shuffled over to my bed, sitting down with a heavy sigh. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, willing everything down, willing the storm back into its bottle so I could put a cork in it and set it out to sea. Give it to somebody else. I was braver than this.

_No, you aren’t._

Graden grumbled something on the other side of the door, trying the door handle again, and it moved further, pushing the chest of drawers further. I tilted my head, watching the door carefully, knowing he would be inside soon, but not with my help. Why did they have to always push me away, and then try to make me see reason?

“Loran, be reasonable." I resisted the urge to snort, sliding my palm down my face in exasperation.

_Go away, Graden. Please._

“I’m coming in."

_No._

"Whether you like it or not."

I pressed my face into my palms, inhaling and exhaling through my chest as anxiety clawed at my heart. I just wanted to be left alone, why was that difficult? Perhaps a small, tiny part of me craved for the company, to have somebody who cares sitting with me, but I’ve gone so long without it, another day wouldn’t hurt. I lifted my head as the chest of drawers shifted against the floor, I stared hard at the door, wishing, willing for it to not open any further. Yet, it did. The door squeaked and Graden pushed his head in, his blonde hair swept away from his face so he could pierce me with his eyes. He pressed against the door harder, forcing the drawers to move and I pulled a face, pressing my head back to my hands.

Graden stepped into my room, staring hard at the wooden object which had obstructed his entrance. He pressed against it, pushing it back to the corner, and once it was settled back in position, he turned to me, tucking his arms across his chest. His bright eyes met mine as I lifted my head, but I turned away – after rolling my eyes, hoping to show him how annoyed I was with his intrusion.

_Although part of you loves it, Loran. Admit it. You want them to care._

The awful sensation of tears prickling my eyes made me scrub at them angrily. Of course I wanted them to care. They were my family. I pressed my palm to my eye, begging the tears to dissolve. Of course, when you wanted the tears to leave, they didn’t. Graden swallowed, and I watched from the corner of my eye as he walked toward me, his arms wide.

“Come here,” his voice was low, whispered as he sat on the bed beside me, his arm wrapping firmly around my shoulder. His other hand slid into my hair, pulling my forehead to his shoulder. My arms slid down, hooking loosely around his waist, and Graden’s own arm tightened, his cheek pressed to my temple. “Lorie, I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything,” I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. Graden exhaled, sliding me along my bed, pushing me to fall back on the cushions behind me. Once I was horizontal, my older brother slid across to lay beside me, his arms still around me.

“You know what Addison said was true.”

I shook my head, blinking my eyes open to stare hard at him as he leaned over me. Our faces were so close, if I lifted mine a little more, our lips would brush. I wondered what Graden tasted like. I imagined him to be sweet, to taste of fruit and natural sugars, the sweet essence of pineapple and watermelon. I licked my lips just thinking of it, and Graden’s eyes flickered, catching the movement. He swallowed tightly, pulling away and sitting up. I shook myself out of it, trying to not think of the way his light hair perfectly framed his face, a single strand of hair brushing his nose.

“Loran, I get it,” he whispered, his hand reaching up to brush a couple stray hairs from my face. “I do. You miss mum. We all do--”

My eyes burned as I lifted myself onto my elbows, catching Graden’s eye. “I’m not crazy.”

“I don’t recall saying you were,” Graden’s finger trailed down my cheek, his finger following the movement, hooking his slim digit beneath my chin, tilting my head up the slightest amount. “But Loran, you know it’s all fake.”

I bit my lip, blinking rapidly to force the tears back, desperate for them to not dribble down the sides of my face. “No,” I swallowed to stop my voice cracking. “I don’t know that.”

Graden shook his head, disbelieving. His finger dropped from my chin, and my head jolted forward, my chin connecting to my chest and I momentarily felt defeated. But then I remembered that I was a fighter, I had been fighting for years, and none of my brothers, not even Graden or Kerrick, could tear me down.

“Loran,” Graden shook his head at me. “You do know it.” He spoke it like he was tyring to assure me. I licked my lips, worried they would go dry, but that should have been the least of my problems. I exhaled, staring just below Graden’s eyes, at his cheeks, the slight spray of freckles, hardly noticeable to anybody else. But I saw them. My eyes cut to the side, noticing Graden’s sharp jawline, but his tender skin and soft eyes, he was sharp but soft, a loyal companion this family desperately craved.

I caved, because I loved him. "Okay." I nodded, resting my eyelids for a moment. "I know it."

“Yes,” Graden leaned forward as soon as I opened my eyes and we both froze. His face inches from mine, his eyes squinting into my face. He searched, but I couldn’t say what he was looking for and if he would find it. His lips moved, his mouth barely opening as his eyes dropped it. “You know it better than any of us, Loran. Mum’s gone, and she isn’t coming back.” His breath pressed against my face as he leaned in further, my heart stopping and my own breath catching, not sure where I expected his lips to go.

They brushed my cheek, a gentle touch, barely there, but definite.

He pulled away so quickly my mind wheeled. I lurched forward, but Graden caught my shoulders, gently pushing me back onto the bed. His fingers lingered for longer than they had to, but then he pulled away, standing up and disappearing out the door, only to peek back for a short moment.

“Have a nap before dinner, okay?” And then he was gone again, nothing but the touch of his kiss lingering in my memory.


	4. Chapter Four

**Loran -**

Sleep was always a fight I lost, internally and externally.

_All of my senses were on high alert. The water, twisting me in its depths, forcing me beneath the watery blanket, the tangy taste of salt, bitter upon my tongue and throat. The constant roar of the ocean, blocked every time my face slipped beneath the surface, the stench of fear, sweat and salt, all mixing together, making my vision hazy, even though it was constantly black, except for the flashed of the grey sky. There were bubbles everywhere as the water pushed me under again, bubbles erupting from my mouth and every crevice around me. Something waved in front of me, rapidly, but I had to shut my eyes because the salt water burned. When I opened them again, I realised that hand was mine, thrashing and clawing at the water._

_Above the ocean, the sun peaked through the grey clouds, shimmering on the top layer of the water. I didn’t have time to appreciate the small ray as I was thrashed about, my small body too weak to control my movements. I was engulfed in fear, the sensation drowning me more than the water itself. I slammed into something hard, a rock perhaps. It was sharp, digging into my belly. I gasped and the water took instant advantage of my unprotected nostrils and mouth, forcing me to gag and cough, choking more. The black haze around my eyes fuzzed into my vision, and I twisted my body in any way necessary to get me free of this watery cage._

_My body twisted, my eyes catching sight of a body which was out of place amongst the water. Pale and lifeless. Limply being washed about by the ocean. The brown hair looked blonde in the water, and I couldn’t recognize who it was, until I did. My mouth opened in a silent scream. A scream which made me inhale more water. I choked again, my entire body hurting as I made contact once more with the rocks, the swell was too strong for my little body._

_The depth of the water, the force of it as it choked me, slaying at my lungs, was too much, crushing my ten-year-old body, forcing me to cave in on myself. I could feel it happening, nothing but pain, absolute pain. The black edges around my vision dipped into the middle, blinding me, but they dispersed, not enough to take me under. Not enough to kill me._

_I cried, I sobbed, but it got washed away with the sea. I had never wanted to die this much before, never wished for my life to be ripped away with this much ferocity._

_I just wanted the pain to end._

_A shrill scream sounded around me, my body tensing as the harsh, neutral waves were replaced with chilling splashes. My arms flailed, my mouth opening to scream again, expecting my lungs to burst--_

Pain exploded in the side of my face and I opened my eyes, sitting upward. I inhaled quickly, my body cramping from how tightly I was holding it. I forced myself to relax as soon as I realised I was in the bathroom at home. Addison, Chester and Bill, thank God for Bill, knelt beside me. Bill’s fingers stroked my cheek, cupping my cheek in his large palm. My breath hitched as I nuzzled against his hand, seeking the comfort.

When I realised what I was doing, I hastily reached up, pushing his hand away. Bill grapped both of my wrists with both of his hands, halting my movements.

“Are you okay?” He questioned, his eyes staring at me, strong and powerful. A welcomed change from his usual glare. One of his hands released my wrist and he touched my damp hair, running his fingers through it, unknotting it. I didn’t swat him away, instead I held his gaze. I was uncomfortable, with the wet clothes and the sweat trailing my neck and face. If it wasn’t for the cold water, I would be a puddle.

“I’m fine.” I managed, finally moving to push his hands off me. Bill tucked his hands against the side of the bathtub, staring hard at me, his eyes searching me, the same way my brothers did. As if I were an object to be examined. I glanced around the bathroom, resiting a shudder as I sat up straight, running my hands through the cold water. “I was sleeping.”

“Yes,” Bill nodded, his fingers twitching, as if he wanted to grab me again. I pulled my legs up to my chest, though, not wanting to be touched. I was all too aware of Addison as he climbed into the tub behind me, a manuever we had done when I was a child. Addison’s body slid against mine, his arms wrapping around me tightly, forcing my legs down, and Chester leaned forward to push me against Addison’s chest. I resisted, but realised it was futile and dropped back.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Chester queried, dribbling water from a wash cloth over my face. I shivered at the sensation, tilting my head back against Addison’s shoulder and shutting my eyes gently. I could never honestly say how much I loved water. There weren’t any words to describe it. It was my safe haven, my security. It baffled my brothers and Bill, as they didn’t understand how water was such a comfort to me after all I had been through. I didn’t have the patience to explain it though – and if I did, I wouldn’t be able to.

Bill had sent me to so many doctors, but nobody had any explanations that suited my families level of engrossment. Eventually, Bill had stopped forcing me to a new clinic every month. Of course, that was after the doctors had all warned the idea of possibly self-harm. Which was something I would never do. I couldn’t hurt myself in that way because pain scared me, I didn’t want to hurt myself in order to feel better because although people say it makes you mentally feel better, I already hated my physical self so much, the thought of making it worse was awful.

But it wasn’t like anybody listened to me.

Bill and Addison had set the new rules since I was about eleven. No doors were to be locked, the knives had to be fake – which made it incredibly difficult to cook with, but we managed – and I was not allowed in the kitchen unsupervised. I couldn’t blame them for trying, but it was only making it worse.

“I’m just tired,” I mumbled, refusing to open my eyes as Addison drew his arms around me tightly, hugging me to his chest.

 “I'm just tired,” I mumbled sleepily. My rested my head against Addison's shoulder, doing my best to ignore the fact that I was pressed up against his hard body. 

“Was it a nightmare?” His breath was moist against my ear and I gasped, lifting my head and opening my eyes. I moved to pull away, but his arms tightened. “Loran, you _know_ you can talk to us.”

_Do I?_

Chester stood up, running a hand through my hair. “I’ll get you some tea.” He disappeared through the doorway, his steps creaking on the staircase as he descened and then his footfalls moved into the kitchen, where I lost track of them. Bill knelt reached forward, taking my hand in his and squeezing it. His green eyes scanned my face, his lips pressing into a line.

“The boys told me you received a phonecall today?” His thumb ran along my knuckle. “From somebody special?”

I barely managed to stop myself from snapping about privacy, or speaking to me as if I were a child. I was not a child. I was nearly fifteen.

“I did,” I confirmed, looking away from him. Instead I allowed my gaze to linger on the white tiles around the bathroom, curious as to how they stayed so clean with a house full of boys. I came to the realisation that Graden or Chester or one of the quads must clean it, but then I remembered that the quads were very busy with their final year of school and often complained about not having enough time to do anything, and Chester worked a lot. Therefore it would have to be Graden, which made me feel guilty because Graden did a lot around the house that everybody often ignored and took for granted – myself included.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Bill’s voice brought me back to him and I snapped my head around to catch his eye.

“No,” I shook my head. “Because nobody believes me.”

“That isn’t true, Loran.” Bill squeezed my hand. “I believe you.” His hand moved to touch my temple and I resisted the urge to flinch. I felt too crowded. “But I would like to talk to your mother. Could you call her back?”

The question baffled me. “No,” I spoke slowly, noticing the quirk of an eyebrow Bill sent Addison over my head. “I cannot call her back. She has to call me and that’s only once a day.” I shrugged nonchalantly, trying to act as if it weren’t truly as big a deal as they were making it out to be. “Sometimes I miss it.”

Bill nodded, as if what I was saying made perfect sense. Which it did to me, but never to my family. “So, if you don’t miss it tomorrow, could I talk to her?”

Chester chose that moment to walk in, a tray of tea in his hands and I couldn’t help but feel that the bathroom was not the place to be sitting, deciphering first world problems and drinking tea. I licked my lower lip before biting it, glancing at Chester as he handed me a cup of tea and Addison one too, who reached for it over my head. I took a hesitant sip, unsure as to whether it would be hot or not, but was pleasantly surprised that it was at the perfect temperature to consume without being lukewarm. I smiled gratefully at Chester, who returned to look after passing Bill his own cup. I settled the cup on my knee, staring down at the liquid inside.

“I guess,” I finally spoke, glancing up to see Bill’s face lift into a smile. I wished to smile back, but held myself steady. I returned my attention to my tea and then to the water, unsurprised that I was beginning to appear like a prune. “Can I get out now?”

Bill exhaled, appearing as if he wanted to decline my request, but then then nodded, and Chester disappeared once again, only to return a short moment later with a pair of freshly washed and ironed clothes, folded in a neat pile. He set them on the closed toilet seat, taking the empty mugs from the three of us before disappearing once more.

I wanted to call him back, as he was nice a neutral ground, and I wasn’t being suffocated by Bill and Addison when he was here. Addison pushed me forward so he could stand up, his boxer briefs sliding along my back, allowing me to feel _every single part_ _of him_. I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes shut as he stepped out, grabbing a towel and trying it around his waist, dropping his boxers to the ground and kicking them into the laundry hamper. I peeked my eyes open as they made contact with the other clothes and managed to stand up on shaky legs. Bill stood with me, reaching to cup the back of neck to bring me forward so he could place a chaste kiss atop my head.

It was very unlike Bill to show me any kind of affection, but then again, he was always tender to me after a nightmare.

“Are you up for going to the Willow’s tonight?” Addison grabbed another towel to dry his abdomen, and I had to force myself to not lower my eyes. He tossed me my own towel as I stepped from the bathtub, and I gratefully peeled my shirt and pants off, leaving me in my boxer briefs. I huddled the towel to my chest when I realised Addison’s own eyes had dropped, and I scowled at him, hating the way my body reacted to the attention. He met my eye again, awaiting my answer, and it took me a moment to respond as I tried to get my mind back on track.

"I'm always up for that." Blake Willow was single-handedly the only childhood friend I had. He was also the only child of the Willow family, often envious of my larger than normal family. Blake and I had been best friends for as long as I could remember. He was also my original crush, before my sights lifted to other, illegal individuals. Blake was close enough to me for me to confide in him my feelings towards my brothers, something he had never judged me on.

Blake never judged me, and for that I cherished him. He knew everything about me, even the calls from mum, but he never labelled me as insane, not like everybody else. He didn’t use my difference to ruin my life.

“Awesome sauce,” the words sounded strange coming from Addison’s lips, but I didn’t answer as he turned and left the bathroom, holding one towel around his waist while the other was draped around his neck. I licked my lips, hating myself a little bit more as I gripped my own towel, waiting until he was gone before I slammed the bathroom door shut and dried myself off. I picked up the clothes Chester had dropped on the toilet seat, holding out the jeans. Tight and black, just the way I liked them. I pulled the underwear up my legs, following them with the jeans and then picked up the white sweater, sliding it over my head. It was too big for me, almost drowning my torso. I grabbed for the back, trying to catch sight of the size, positive it was Hunter’s or – judging by the massive grey kitten on the front – Jackson’s.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, running a hand through my hair only for it to fall back in my face. Exhaling I shook it out, running my hands over my face, squeezing my cheeks. I left the bathroom, entering the hall in a state of chaos. Graden was dragging a chair down the hallway, Jackson laying across it like it was nobody’s business, his legs thrown over the side. Graden appeared fed up, but didn’t say anything as he shoved the chair and Jackson himself into the quads room. Jackson flailed, toppling, and Hunter and Daiton, who were standing in the doorway of Addison’s bedroom, snickered.

“God damn it Gray,” Jackson picked himself up, scowling at Graden who shrugged, grabbing the chair and heading back down the hallway.

“I’ve told you a million times, Jackson.” Graden opened his door and disappeared with the chair, coming back not too long after, empty handed. “My bedroom is not somewhere for you to do whatever you please. My bedroom is _my_ space.”

Jackson scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Rude.”

Graden shrugged, stepping back into his bedroom and slamming the door shut. Jackson rolled his eyes, throwing himself across the room to latch onto Hunter and Daiton who had returned their attention to Addison.

“There was this house on the market for a couple hundred grand,” Hunter was talking, his arm automatically moving to wrap around Jackson’s waist, pulling the slighter boy against him in a way that made my eyebrows twitch. “I thought we could head down and have a look at it?”

“We can go this weekend,” Daiton leaned against the wall, his arm tucked beneath his head. “I’ll drive down with you.”

“I want to see this house,” Jackson murmured, pressing his mouth to Hunter’s ear, his tongue poking out quickly before withdrawing. I frowned, my legs freezing as I was about to walk past them. “Is it grand? Big for a set of Princes?”

Hunter snorted, turning his head toward Jackson’s, their faces incredibly close, but then Hunter’s eyes flickered to the side and he saw me. The reaction was instantaneous, he pushed Jackson away as if he had burned him and Jackson scowled, appearing confused until he saw me and his scowl turned to a grimace.

“Are you moving out?” I tilted my head, looking at each of them. Jackson appeared hesitant to answer, as did Hunter and Daiton, luckily Addison stepped past them and out of his room. His eyes, such a gorgeous blue, twinkled as he tossed his towels at me.

“Maybe we are pipsqueak, will you miss us?” He tossed his towels at me, the material falling perfectly over my face. I released a frustrated growl, pulling them off and dumping them on the ground. I caught Addison’s eye.

_Yes. So much. Don’t go, don’t leave me with Bill, all alone in this big house._

“No.” I turned away, heading to my bedroom. I closed the door and opened the window, thankful for the breeze and fresh air. I threw myself onto my bed, rolling around until I was on my stomach, my face pressed to the pillow and my legs hooked around the blanket. Perhaps I could get some sleep before we left…

A timid knock on my door had me rolling onto my back, blinking as Kerrick twisted my doorhandle, smiling at me. I offered a smile in return, sitting myself up and tapping the bed beside me. He moved slowly, hesitantly, as he normally did. Kerrick set himself down on the bed beside me, handing me a book, which I took, running my palm down the spine.

“What is it?” I queried, opening it slowly, the soft creak making me shiver. I ran my finger down the writing, glancing at the tinged yellow pages. It must have been old. Kerrick didn’t answer me, which didn’t surprise me at all, but I wished he did because I missed his voice. Of course, Kerrick was not mute twenty-four-seven, but I liked his voice. There was something soft, gentle about it. Something my other brothers lacked.

I returned my attention back to the book in my hands. “Another fairy-tale?”

Kerrick’s lips twitched, his eyes sparkling as he shook his head, leaning forward to turn to another page. Written upon the page, in elegant handwriting, so much like my mothers, was a note.

_To my baby brother Loran,_

_I’ve asked Kerrick to hold this for you until your fifteenth birthday. The age where you think you’re old enough to do whatever you please, but honestly, you’re still a child. I want you to know that you’re not alone at this troublesome age, and to remind you that if everybody struggles at this age._

_Despite asking Kerrick to give it to you on your actual fifteenth birthday, I have a hunch that this little tyke – although, he’s a big tyke now – will give it to you earlier._

_Loran, Lorie, I hope to God you are the last child. Mum won’t be able to handle another child, not with the strain to her body. I’m afraid dad won’t either, losing me will be the hardest thing he ever has to endure, and having another one after you could truly push him to breaking point. He’ll never say that, though._

_I understand that you’re probably curious right now, there are things you don’t know, like, where I am, what’s going on, but just know one thing: I love ya, kiddo._

_These past few years I’ve grown up and thought the quads were enough. When I found out mum was pregnant again, and with another boy, I wanted to scream. I so desperately craved a sister, a little girl who I could teach to bake and dress up. But there was something different about you. When you were born, there was something that dragged me. You were gorgeous, as were your brothers, but they’re all little monsters now. There was, still is, something about you Lorie, and I want you to treasure it. Cherish yourself, love yourself, please._

_You may not remember me, for all I know, this could be the first you’ve heard of me, and I’m sorry, so sorry. I wanted to be there for your childhood, to see you grow up, but things have happened, really bad things. I can’t say much more than that, for fear of anybody finding out, but I love you, Lorie._

_Dad promises to send me photos of you every year, if not every month._

_I hope to one day meet you._

_Love, Zelda_

_Your amazing, and only, sister._

I stopped. I re-read it. And then read it again. And again.

A sister?! No. I didn't have a sister. I was cursed with eleven brothers.  _Not_  a sister.

I glanced up at Kerrick, who was sitting there, his shoulders hunched and water pooling in his eyes. I held my breath, frowning at him as he passed me a piece of paper, a flimsy sheet cut from a newspaper. I didn’t miss the way his fingers trembled, and my heart shuddered as I took the paper from him, flicking it out so I could see the black and white image and writing.

My breath hitched, my palms clammy with sweat. I licked my trembling lips, my fingers shaking as I gripped the paper tighter, trying to read through the tears that blurred my vision. I ran my thumb along the photograph, not the best quality, but good enough for the purpose intended. It was a girl, almost a woman, hanging from a rope. Her brown hair hung loose around her pale face, her body hanging limp, lifeless from the noose.

Suicide.

I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut as I tucked the paper in the book, closing it and holding it shut in my trembling hands, begging the shaking to stop. I inhaled slowly, deeply, finally looking up at Kerrick who wiped at his eyes hastily, offering me a wobbly smile.

“A sister?” I breathed raggedly, barely managing words, pushing a hand through my hair. “Dead? I have,” I swallowed again, forcing the words out. “I have a sister? And,” I licked my lips, blinking rapidly as I squeezed the book, my knuckles white. “And she’s, um, she’s dead?”

Kerrick nibbled his lower lip, his eyes flashing with pain, a rare flash of emotion that I was able to witness. He opened his mouth, prepared to say something, but no words escaped him and he shut his mouth, seeming to think it over. Kerrick opened his mouth again, his voice unsteady, “she really wanted to meet you, Lorie.”

His hands clenched around his arms as he held himself upright, held himself together. A single tear slid down his cheek, slow and steady. He inhaled, wiping at the tear quickly, his chest rising and falling, his shoulders tense. He swallowed a couple more times, trying to get himself under control and I loved him and respected him so much more for trying. “I know… I _know_ we should have told you. _I_ should have told you.” He shook his head, rubbing beneath his eyes, silently willing any tears to not fall. “It was so hard, Lorie. There was never a good time and-- and-- and I am _so_ sorry--”

“Kerrick,” I mumbled, shifting closer to him, although I would never admit to seeking comfort. “Do I have a sister?”

Kerrick met my eye, intense but soft, gentle. Everything about Kerrick was always soft and gentle _. I loved him so much_. Kerrick nodded, his hand reaching for mine, which he squeezed before tapping his finger on the book I still held, my grip one of death. I glanced down at it, suddenly hating it for being the bearer of bad news. I opened it, hating the creak as I did, and pulled the photograph out. I clenched my fist around the paper, hearing it crinkle. I flicked through the pages with my other hand, trying to find the title. When I did, my breath hitched, my heart thumping unevenly.

_The Twelve Dancing Princesses._

Of course. That made sense. I choked on a cracked sob, wanting it to be a laugh, but it certainly wasn’t. I closed the book, gripping the photograph with two hands as I stared at it, wishing it would provide me with all the answers I seeked, wishing it would provide me with a life where I didn’t hate myself, where I loved myself as my sister wished.

A sister?

Why had nobody ever told me?

I shook my head, squeezing the photograph harder, the page ripping a little bit, which forced me to release it and slip it back into the book. They probably never told me because it was my fault, someway, somehow. Everything was always my fault. Every problem this family had was caused by me, whether it was a chain reaction or just my own stupidity.

I was cursed, a curse inflicted upon the youngest and stupidest.

“It’s okay, Kerrie.” I managed, putting the book down on my pillow, not wanting to drop it with the amount of shaking in my hands. “Um, could I be alone? For a minute?” I swallowed hazardly. “Please.”

Kerrick appeared to want to disagree, but when I caught his eye, he exhaled and nodded, albeit hesitantly. I kept my eye on him as he stood, turning to leave my room. He turned back though, one hand on the door and the other on the wall.

“Will you be okay?”

No. No, how could I ever be okay again?

I forced a smile. “Yes.”

Kerrick didn’t appear to believe me, but he nodded, closing the door gently behind him. Once it clicked, I slid the book from my bed and onto the ground, sliding it beneath my mattress, not wanting to deal with what it brought right now, hopefully not ever. I turned onto my stomach, pressing my face into my pillow, sufforcating me. My fingers gripped the blankets, ripping at them as I struggled for breath.

A  _sister_?

It all made so much sense now. My unluck. Instead of being the twelfth child, I was the thirteenth. I was the unlucky one.

 _Thirteenth_.


	5. Chapter Five

**Loran -**

_Hot, sweet lips touched mine, moving with mine as we shared the same air. Hands, large and calloused, rough and warm tore at my clothes, touching my skin and burning me. My shirt slipped from my body, seeming to disappear in mid-air, but I didn’t care much with the magic act, instead grabbing at the flesh atop me. The large hands ran up my spine, the lips attached to the same body kissing my jaw, my neck, my chest, my stomach. Goosebumps broke across my skin, my toes curling as the lips descended to my thighs, licking and lapping at the skin there. I groaned, an odd sound I didn’t make often, the lips touching my ankles, my feet, my toes._

_My breath hitched, the hands grabbing at my underwear, sliding them across my bulge and down my thighs, where they disappeared as well. The lips returned to mine, parting and a tongue dipped into my mouth. My hands gripped their waist, pulling them toward me with as much strength as I could muster, sliding my hand around their shoulders, dragging, pulling, desperate for them to come closer, closer, closer--_

_The hands, warm and calloused, slid around my thighs, rising up to grab my ass, pulling me so our hips pressed flush against each other. Desire rocketed through me, making my vision blurry and hazy, grey tinging the edges. The lips upon mine pulled back, teeth biting down on my lower lip causing me to yelp, my fingers digging into the flesh, wanting more but not knowing how to get it. My voice failed me when I needed it most._

_The hand slid around, grabbing at my cock as it hardened, the palm tightening and slicking up the length. It was almost too much to bare, between the body and the hand and the--_

_The tongue slid against my jaw, lowering to my throat, where teeth bit, bruising me and making my body arch, desperate for more. I wished to know who it was, but the thought left me as soon as another hand, a finger, pressed at the tightness behind me, making my back arch and my throat close around a shout of pain and pleasure. I blinked my eyes open, desperate to see who it was assaulting me, but I couldn’t make out the face, it was a blur._

_But then the blur transformed to more, more faces staring at me, more hands touching me, more fingers prodding, more lips licking and--_

_It was a strong blast of white, of intense pleasure that coursed through my body, toes to fingers, fingers to brain, rushing up and down my spine, sparking something--_

I bolted upright, drenched in sweat and my heart pounding. My fingers grabbed at the blankets beneath me, my breath ragged as I fought to calm down. I licked my dry, chapped lips, glancing down to see the horrendous wet patch forming around the crotch of my jeans. Humiliation coursed through me as I rolled off the bed, tugging my jeans off, kicking them to the floor. I reached for my curtains, tearing them shut before sliding my briefs down, stepping out of them and grabbing a new pair of underwear and jeans from the chest of drawers across the room.

Once I was changed into clean, crisp clothes, I moved to sit on my bed, but I stood on something hard which slid across the wooden floor, throwing me to the ground with a thump. I groaned, rolling over to look at what I’d stepped on and was surprised by the book with thick pages and an old smell. I frowned, picking myself up with a hand to my head as I reached for it, sliding it across the floor to me, where I flicked open the first page, causing my breath to catch.

Oh, I’d forgotten. I had a sister.

A  _suicidal_  sister.

As a knock on my bedroom door – for once – vibrated through my room, I quickly pushed the book beneath my bed, gripping the bed to haul myself to my feet. I willed my breathing to slow down, sitting on the bed and tucking my hands under my bottom. I swallowed, licking my lips as my door was pushed open, Ike poking his head inside.

“Loran?” Ike’s voice sounded like honey, dripping and thick, but he had a sweet, high tone. I resisted the urge to shiver as it seemed to drip over me, my eyes watching as he brushed a stray strand of his hair behind his ear. His dark blue orbs flickered, blinking to catch me sitting on the bed. “You awake?”

I snorted. “No, I’m sitting here, staring at you, because I’m asleep.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as Ike pushed my door open wider, staring harder at me as a scowl flashed across his almost-flawless face – nobody’s face could ever be 100% flawless, but damn, my brothers were close.

“You’re a comedian.” He deadpanned and I smirked, bending down to grab my converse from the floor. He blue eyes flickered across the room, catching sight of something on the ground. I followed his gaze, my face burning at the sight of my boxers and jeans that I thrown on the floor mere minutes ago. Ike chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest. “Have an accident?”

I inhaled sharply, glaring at him as I snatched the clothes off the floor, tossing them into my laundry hamper in the corner. “Piss off.”

“Tut tut, Lorie, watch the language.”

I chose to ignore him, instead finishing with my converse and standing up, resting my palms on my hips. “What do you want?”

Ike quirked an eyebrow, his signature move, and began to unbutton his shirt making my throat go dy. I tried to swallow a couple of times but realised it was suddenly a difficult task. My mouth was cotton-dry, only worsening as Ike’s abdomen peeked out from beneath the shirt, hard and defined and I wanted to touch-- but I didn’t, because that would be weird.

And then Ike took it off and I thought I wanted to die on the spot.

I averted my eyes, instead focusing on my bedside table as I busied myself with flicking my lamp on and off. “I’ll come down soon.”

“ _Now_ , Loran.”

I ignored him, again, instead grabbing my iPod from beneath my pillow and my headphones from my window pane. I put the headphones on, blasting my music to block Ike out, but when I turned around, he was gone.

 _All We Are_ from _One Republic_  blasted in my ear, it’s slow, sensual ways vibrating through me, making me smile. Running a hand down my clothes I nodded in appreciation to both my music and my current mood. Nothing could ruin this, so long as I had something to block everybody out, just until I got to the Willows. I left my bedroom, closing my door behind me to stop pestering brothers and annoying Bill’s. I walked down the corridor, nodding my head to the music, walking past the quads room, where I froze.

Their door was open. Their door was _never_ open.

Hating myself a little bit I stepped up to the door, peeking insde. Hunter was standing beside his bed, Jackson leaning against him, both of them looking down at Kerrick who was sitting on the bed, one leg hanging over the edge while the other was tucked to his chest, his chin resting on his knee. Ike walked past the door, making my eyes widen as I pulled back, hoping to not be caught, but Ike had eyes for Kerrick and only Kerrick. He slid onto the bed, wrapping an arm around Kerrick’s shoulders tightly, pulling him into his chest.

Kerrick turned, tucking his head to Ike’s neck, his shoulders trembling the slightest bit and I frowned, my heart twisting painfully in my chest. I had only seen Kerrick cry once or twice – still more than any of my other brothers, well, maybe not Graden, but everybody else – and it hurt to see it now.

I exhaled, watching for a moment longer before heading down the hallway, leaving them in peace. I stopped at the top of the staircase, looking down to see Addison sliding his jacket over his shoulders while Bill tied up his shoes. They were conversing quietly. Off to the side, Chester was sliding food into Tupperware, whilst Berling slid his leather jacket on, running a hand through his hair as he stared at himself in the mirror.

“Why don’t you just stay here?” Bill questioned, his voice travelling up the stairs. I turned my head, trying to catch more of the conversation. Addison shrugged, leaning against the couch.

“The quads will be out of school soon and I’m sure Loran doesn’t want us all hanging around.”

Bill nodded, but there was still a frown on his face. “I understand, but why are you all moving in together? No pressure, but shouldn’t you be finding yourself a wife? You’re older now, Addison, you know we don’t live forever, you need to make your decisions now.”

Addison swallowed, averting his gaze to look at Berling who was slicking something through his hair and then to Chester who was staring at his watch, his foot tapping impatiently on the floor. A smile twitched Addison’s lips and he shrugged, turning back to Bill. “It isn’t something I want right now, dad.”

Bill exhaled, “Why don’t you take Loran, then?”

Addison’s face twisted almost instantly, and even Berling interrupted then. “We don’t need that pipsqueak, dad. He should stay here with you.”

_That didn’t hurt. That definitely did not hurt. Loran, don’t be weak, of course they don’t need you, they don’t want you either, but you expected that._

_…Wait, did that mean that Bill didn’t want me either?_

A lump formed in my throat and I turned away, ready to depart back to my bedroom, but I froze at the sight of Graden walking down the hallway, head down as he read, his button undone and heat rose in my cheeks as I turned away, hurrying down the steps with him on my heels.

“Hey,” he called, fidgeting with the book, holding it out as I passed Addison and Bill to stand beside Chester, watching as Graden struggled to do up his button. “Can somebody hold this, please?”

I tilted my head at the cover, reading _Hamlet_ on the front. I reached for it, but Berling beat me, tearing the book open without giving the slightest bit of care. Graden scowled at Berling, still trying to do up his top button, his cheeks reddening when Addison stepped over to do it for him, but his glare was still on Berling who was flicking through the pages, before holding the book upside down.

“You’re seriously reading this shit?”

Once Addison had stepped away, Graden snatched the book from Berling, tucking it safely under his arm. “Fuck off, it’s called literature.”

“Boys, keep the swearing to a minimum please.” Bill scolded the both of them and I felt a wave of satisfaction at not being the one to get in trouble for once. Although, Berling didn’t take offence to being called a boy, not as I would.

Sure, dad.” Graden poked his tongue out at Berling and I rolled my eyes, suddenly thankful they were thinking of moving out. They were in their twenties, it was about bloody time. But, at the same time, I strongly did not want to be left with Bill. It would be a nightmare and a half.

Daiton walked downstairs a moment later, pulling a sweater over his head before he threw himself onto the couch, picking up the remote and flicking through the channels. Bill stood up straight, brushing imaginary dirt off his jacket. I watched as he turned, picking up his car keys from the coffee table before heading towards the front door.

“Would somebody go and get the Elliott, Freyne and the quads so we can go?” He called over his shoulder, opening the front door.

I stood, waiting for somebody else to move, but when they didn’t I huffed, heading back up the stairs. I rubbed my hands together when I stopped outside the quads door, rapping my knuckles against the wood. The right thing to do would have been to wait for them to answer, but I was exasperated and being good was the last thing on my mind. Without thinking much more about it, I pushed against the door, my eyes dropping to their small group on the bed, still in the same position as before, except Hunter and Jackson had joined Ike and Kerrick on the bed, the four of them huddled.

It made my chest ache. I wanted somebody to hold me that way. Like they actually cared about me.

Kerrick lifted his head, catching my eye over Hunter’s shoulder, but he looked away almost instantly, rubbing at his eyes hastily. I frowned, knocking on the doorframe, a lot quicker and sharper than before, making them all jump and look up. They all wore matching outfits, only with different sweaters on. They also wore make-up, something that was delightfully obvious, especially when they always denied it-- well, Jackson never denied it, but everybody else did.

I had yet to try make-up. When I was younger I had wanted Jackson to give me my first makeover, as he’d been applying the stuff since he was twelve and now, six years later, he was pro at it.

“Dad said it’s time to go,” I murmured, leaning against the doorframe, watching them. Kerrick bit into his lower lip, nodding as he picked himself up, forcing the other three to follow his lead. Jackson followed with a grin on his face, grabbing his chapstick from the bedside table whilst pinching Hunter’s arm. Hunter laughed, spinning around to grab Jackson, but the quad spun out of the way and Hunter instead latched onto his hand, pulling him onto his lap so Jackson straddled him. I stood up straight at the action, my movement causing the both of them to glance at me, which meant Hunter shoved Jackson off of him, something which Jackson happily complied with.

“Right, yes, let’s go.” Jackson took hold of Kerrick’s arm, pulling him along as he stepped across the room, sliding past me and heading down the hallway. I turned, watching them go, feeling another wave of hurt. I shook my head, leaving Hunter and Ike to do as they pleased, instead heading across the room to Elliott and Freyne’s shared bedroom. I reached up to knock, but before my knuckle could even brush the door opened.

I jumped back as Freyne and Elliott stepped out, wearing identical clothes like they weren’t twenty-one and twenty-two respectively. Freyne ruffled my hair as he walked past and Elliott grinned, the two of them joining Hunter and Ike as they left their bedroom. The four of them walked down the stairs, leaving me upstairs alone.

I briefly wondered if anybody would realise I wasn’t there before I told myself to not be silly and I followed quickly.

It was a ritual to go to the Willow’s for dinner once a week. They welcomed us with open arms, especially ever since the accident – but we never spoke of it – and it would be rude of me to stay behind on my own petty fears. My family loved me, they just had a rotten way of showing it. I followed behind my brothers and Bill as headed to the van, the vehicle we only used for times when we were all going together. I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough, though, and once we arrived I tore my headphones off, tossing them on my seat and jumping from the van. I rushed – in a very dignified manner – to the front door, knocking hastily.

The door swung open a second later and Blake Willow was there, grinning from ear-to-ear at me. It was contagious and I beamed in return, allowing for him to reach for me, hauling me into the house. I ducked past Mrs Willow’s arm that came out to hug me, but I saw the amount of lipstick she had on and a lipstick stained kiss on my cheek was not what I wanted right this moment. I snickered though when she caught my brothers and Bill at the door.

Blake pulled me past the lounge room where his father was sitting back in the recliner and drinking to his hearts content. I resisted the urge to pull a face as we moved up the staircase and into Blake’s bedroom, where he slammed the door behind me, shoving me onto the bed. I bounced for a moment, allowing myself to laugh as he climbed on beside me. He set himself down, crossing his legs under himself as he leaned forward, watching me intently as I straightened myself out.

“Okay!” Blake continued to grin, “Not that I’m a creep or anything, because I’m not!” I was a little bit suspicious that his first words were defending himself. I raised an eyebrow, urging him to continue and Blake pointed to his window. “I can see the beach from my window.” I crossed my own legs beneath me, nodding. Blake leaned forward, his hands latching onto my shoulders, shaking me. “And you were totally eye-raping your brothers yesterday!”

I scoffed at his words, but my cheeks burned. I looked down at my hands in my lap, surprised and suspicious when Blake dropped his hands from my shoulders to take mine in his hands. I lifted my head to catch his eye, holding his for longer than I normally would and my suspicion grew until he finally released me, sliding off the bed and moving to sit on his desk chair, turning to stare at me.

“You won’t deny it.”

The blush that had dispersed came back and I groaned, flopping down on his bed, pressing my hands to my face.

"I'm just saying!"

I pulled a face, dropping my hands away. "I don't even like them anymore."

Blake snorted. "You’re a bullshit artist. You're head over heels!"

"Nuh-uh."

"Yep," Blake grinned back, flashing his teeth. I chuckled, rolling onto my stomach so I could see him properly, propping my head up on my hands. I bit my lower lip, tilting my head at my best friend before a grin broke across my face.

“Okay, fine,” I breathed, ducking my face into my hands. “But how can I not? Look at them! They’re gorgeous and I’m just,” I pointlessly threw a hand in the air. Blake scoffed, making me peer at him through my fingers as he rolled his chair closer to me. I pushed myself up to my knees, sliding forward until I was on the edge of the bed. I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Loran, don’t doubt yourself.” He shook his head, “you’re gorgeous, too.”

"I'm nothing compared to them." I sighed, loud and dramatic. “I don’t know what to do Blake. If they were to find out, they’d kill me. Besides, I’m no genius in the matter of love... Hell, I can’t even kiss! And even if I could and even if I had even the slightest chance, who would want me? I’m so… _me_.”

“And that’s bad?” Blake appeared baffled. I shrugged, my shoulders dropping.

“I’m still getting those calls, Blake. You should have… You should have seen the way they looked at me today.”

Blake exhaled, rolling around on the chair, moving around the room, his head tipped up as he thought everything through. It was why I treasured him as my greatest friend, he understood me and tried to help me, and I could trust him. He finally came to a stop in front of me, pressing his hands onto my shoulder, the grin back on his face. “I can’t really you with the calls and shit, but Lorie, I’m a highly experienced kisser.”

“So?” I frowned, raising an eyebrow. “Blake, _I_ need to be experienced, not _you_.”

“Yes, I know that, you dolt.” Blake rolled his eyes, slapping my shoulder. “I can help you!”

My eyebrows jumped into my hairline. “Excuse me?” I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and running a hand over my temple. “How on earth do you expect to help me? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m a virgin in _everything_. That includes kissing and God help me, I am not giving my first kiss to--” I opened my eyes, the word _you_ on the tip of my tongue, but soon there was another tongue there instead.

My eyes widened, my hands coming up to latch onto Blake’s shoulders, my fingers digging into the fabric there. I pressed, trying to get him off me, but he didn’t move, and his tongue dove further into my mouth.

 _No, no, shit! I don’t want to give my first kiss to you, Blake! Get_ _off!_


	6. Chapter Six

**Loran -**

I gasped against Blake’s mouth, trying my utmost best to pull away, to shove him off me, but nothing was working. My eyes widened as he stood from his chair, pushing me down onto my back, crawling on top of me. Fear gripped me as I lost all my strength, my fingers digging into his shoulders, my legs pinning on either side of his hips to spin us over-- but it only caused Blake to rut against me, like an animal in heat.

“Fuck,” I spat in relief as he pulled away, finally. His eyes sparkled as they stared down at me, and I glared back, shoving at him. “Get off--” I began, but the words caught in my throat as Blake ran his hand down my shirt front, grabbing at the hem of it and dragging it up. I inhaled sharply, sucking my stomach in as he cold hand touched my belly.

 _No_! I was mentally screaming, not wanting this, not wanting any of it, but I couldn’t get him _off_. I spat another curse, my hands shoving at his shoulders but Blake leaned down again, brushing our lips together.

“Can I be your teacher?” His eyes met mine, his hand running along my stomach, rising up my torso, making me toss my head back, trying to squirm out from beneath him. I opened my mouth to tell him _no_ , he could _not_ be my teacher, but I was cut off my his tongue diving down my throat. I choked, trying to roll away, turning my cheek against the blankets beneath me.

I had been saving my first kiss for someone special, and yes, I admit, maybe Blake wasn’t a bad kisser but he was _not_ the one I wanted to steal my first one. It was reserved for someone else, maybe one of my brothers, maybe not, but _not_ Blake. Not Blake, who had a reputation as a player, who could go too far, who was stronger than me…

He pulled his mouth from mine and I gasped with relief, inhaling fresh air, gulping as if I had been deprived for too long. Blake slid down, his hands touching my sides and sliding down to my jeans, his fingers sliding beneath them, making my eyes widen. Between that and his mouth on my throat, my voice finally broke free.

“Blake!” I thrashed, trying to slide my legs between us. “Blake, get off me!” I was on the verge of screaming, briefly wondering that if I did, would somebody come and find me, come and push him off? “Blake--” His mouth was back on mine, his teeth nipping at my lower lip as his hands dipped into my jeans, running over my thin underwear, over my limp cock. That was the final straw.

Without thinking of what I was doing, or what the consequences would be, I bit down on his tongue as it slid back into my mouth. I gagged when Blake choked, pulling away as if I’d slapped him and I wish I had. He pressed his hand to mouth, parting his lips to test his tongue, drawing his hand away to look at the small specks of blood on the back of it. His eyes snapped fire at me.

“What the fuck?!”

 “What the fuck?” I snapped, sitting up shakily. “why did you _do_ that?!”

“Why? Because I was helping!” He growled, pressing his hand back to his mouth, drawing his hand away and my eyes briefly flickered to the blood that had smudged against his lip. I didn’t feel bad, though. He had no right to do that, but I couldn’t help but feel a spark of worry at the glare he was directing at me. Blake was my only friend and I don’t know what I would do without him. His words, though, made the worry dissolve into anger.

"Well help by  _not_  doing that!" I ran a hand over my face, trying to calm myself down, but the anger was bubbling, heating my blood. In frustration as I kicked at the blankets beneath me, rolling over and sitting up, facing away from Blake as I cupped my face. “You’re so fucking stupid.”

Blake scoffed. “Me? Stupid?” He stood up, kicking at his chair and I flinched despite myself, knowing that Blake would never harm me-- Maybe molest me, but he wouldn’t hit me. “You’re the stupid one if you think you’re actually going to get with your _brothers_.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “You disgust me.”

Oh. I raised an eyebrow, snapping my head over my shoulder. “Sorry? _I_ disgust _you_? I’m not the one trying to molest somebody else.”

"Well fuck you, I’m sorry for trying to help.”

 _Help_? He must have been joking. I rolled my eyes, standing up. “I’m going downstairs.”

“Whatever,” he shook his head. “Runaway, like you usally do.”

I scowled, turning to him. “I’m not running away, but I don’t want to be near you right now.”

“Then leave.”

“That’s the plan.” I snapped, turning on my heel and heading for the door. Blake laughed coldly behind me, but I did my best to ignore him as I grabbed for his doorhandle.

“I mean _leave_ , Loran. Get out of here.”

I froze for a split second before tilting my head in a curt nod. “Fine.” I made sure to slam the door behind me.

I rushed down the stairs to the lounge room where I could hear everybody talking and part of me wanted to respect that, to leave them be, but I was already fuming and any respect I had for anybody had long since dwindled. I stopped outside the kitchen doorway for a brief moment, the smell assaulting my nostrils and I glanced in to see pots bubbling and pans sizzling. It smelt wonderful – but not nearly as lovely as Chester’s food. I noticed that nobody was in the kitchen, as well, which meant they were all in the lounge room conversing about… Well, most likely myself.

“—And it’s a brilliant school!” Mrs Willow was talking, or babbling, actually. “He won’t be lonely there and I can assure you that it will help with his little, uh, problem…” I glanced around the corner to see her waving her hand in the air like she was talking about an object, not a teenage boy – because it was as obvious as day that she was talking about me and not any of my other eleven brothers sitting in that room. “He also won’t turn out like his, you know,” she glanced around, lowering her voice. “Sister.”

I debated over walking in and interrupting them. It would get me in an awful lot of trouble but… When was I not in trouble? Shrugging, I stepped into the room, catching Kerrick’s eye before diverting my gaze and taking a seat next to Graden. “I’m sorry,” I lifted my head, pinning Mrs Willow with my hardest glare. “Sister?”

Mrs Willow and Bill both froze, Graden’s shoulders pulling taut and I saw out the corner of my eye as Addison and Berling swapped a look. Daiton’s hands twisted into fists, a similar movement to Hunter’s own hands. I ignored them, though, although my heart twisted painfully in my chest when out my peripheral vision I saw Kerrick gripping Ike’s hand, both their knuckles white from the intense grip. I wanted to snatch my words back, but they were already flying through the air and the hurt I felt was only forcing them to move faster.

I was hurt by Blake’s attitude, I was hurt by the way my family spoke about me, the way they viewed me, I was hurt by the lack of want anybody had for me. I was hurt that nobody would tell me I had a sister, I was hurt that I had been raised this way.

Anger boiled inside me, but so did something else-- something I couldn’t idenitify and it scared me. It was like a raw build up of emotions and I couldn’t restrain it. I was too tired to restraine, exhausted to the bone by the way everybody treated me, by the way I felt _all the time_. I liked to pride myself with not caring what anybody thought about me, but I did care. I cared too much. Ever since mum left, I’d been the target, nobody there to protect me. I hated it, I hated how it made me feel. The emotions broiled, bubbling as I shook my head, digging my fingers into my knees. I swallowed, forcing the build up back, but it was growing, pushing, scaring me.

I sucked in a deep breath to calm myself right as Blake walked into the lounge room, his eyes hard. His presence seemed to snap something within me.

“I’m sure I don’t have a sister, though, right?” I laughed humoroulessly, the noise cracking from my throat. “Because you’d tell me, wouldn’t you? Especially if she was, say, suicidial?” Bill flinched as my brothers winced, nobody looking at me for a moment, until Bill turned, leaning forward, his hand held out, as if to touch my knee. I pulled away, standing up.

“I want to go home, Bill.”

"Wha-- Loran, we only just got here." Bill’s eyes were wide, and I knew he was aghast by my lack of manners, but I didn’t care.

“Ma, I want them to go.” Blake’s own voice filled the room and I lifted my head to catch his eye, fire crackling between us. I scowled at him, resting my hands on my hips, refusing to back down or look fearful. Instead I mustered up the biggest glare I could and pinned him just as he did me. Nobody spoke, I’d say nobody even breathed. The only sound was the static of the television as Mr Willow changed channels.

Mrs Willow appeared shocked, her head turning between her son and myself until her eye caught Bill’s. She opened her mouth, about to break the tension when a timer from the kitchen rang out loudly. She stood, moving to head out, but Mr Willow pushed himself up, stumbling for a moment before his eyes flickered across the room, landing on me and then his son, before turning to his wife.

“I’ll check on that.” He set his beer down, turning into the kitchen, his mumbling barely heard over the television which had been switched to a cricket game. “Can’t hear a fucking thing with you all yapping.” I watched from my peripheral vision as he disappeared into the kitchen and I wished I could be him for a change, I wished I could be anybody, just not myself.

I finally exhaled, turning away from Blake, my head held high as I caught Bill’s eye. “I want to go.” I spoke my words clearly. “Now.”

“Loran,” he voice was steely, hard and controlled. I knew I would be in deep shit later, but for now I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anybody or what they thought of me-- I refused to care. I refused to give anybody the satisfaction that they could hurt me however they pleased. I was absolutely, one hundred percent done--

A black tendril began to swirl around my mind, a dark fog that scared me but also reassured me. It was familiar, comforting, everything I need at the moment. I inhaled slowly, feeling it smother me and I began to relax into its hold before I stopped myself, knowing it wasn’t the time. I shook my head, scuffing my foot on the ground.

“Now.” I repeated, ignoring the looks my brothers all directed at me. It made my head hurt. In my pocket my phone vibrated, a phone call. I ignored it, even though it made my temple pound.

“Loran, could you meet me outside, we need to talk.” Bill made a move to grab me but I shifted away, stumbling over Graden’s feet behind me. I wobbled, almost falling over, but managed to right myself, my cheeks beginning to burn at the humiliation of having looked weak, even if for a moment.

"No." I shook my head and Bill’s eyes narrowed.

"Loran.” He reached for me again but I spun out of the way, pulling my phone from my pocket and looking at the screen, the thrump in my temple dying down until it was an echo at the base of head. The small numbers that littered the scream made my brain fuzz, like the static on the television. The dark trendils enlarged, prodding aimlessly at my skull.

The next words that escaped me were uttered against my will, the dark fog in my head moulding the words and tendrils pushing them out “I want to go and live with mum!”

A look of defeat washed over Bill’s face for a split second before it hardened and he grabbed his jacket from the chair he had been sitting on. “Right then.” He looked at Mrs Willow apologetically. “I’m so sorry, Cath. Perhaps we can schedule for another night?”

Mrs Willow glanced at me, shaking her in disapproval before she turned to look at Bill, giving a curt nod before she turned, grabbing Blake’s arm and dragging him fro the room, turning back once. “I’m sure you can let yourself out.” She then dragged Blake into the kitchen, slamming the door behind them. I flinched, but as my temple began to thump in pain once more, I spun on my heel, lifting my phone to my ear.

"Son."

"Hi," I mumbled into the phone, my hearts rapid pounding beginning to slow at the sound of her voice. I was about to head down toward the front door when the kitchen door opened and Blake stepped out, closing it behind him. He glanced at me and grimaced, opening his mouth to say something, but I beat him to it. “Fuck off!”

His grimace morphed into a look of frustration as he flipped me the bird. “I was trying to help!”

“That’s not helping, you idiotic son-of-a-bitch!” I snarled the words, pulling the phone from my ear so mum didn’t hear them.

 "Hey!" I didn't look at Addison as he walked up his hand whacking me over the head. “That is enough." I scowled, brushing him off as I pressed the phone back to my ear, just in time to hear her choked voice once more.

"Son."

My hands clenched around the phone and I willed myself to stay calm, just until I got somewhere safe and alone. I wanted to say something, though, something to assure her I was here, but the darkness in my mind was thickening and I was struggling to form a coherent thought. I glanced over my shoulder at Addison, my eyes narrowing. “Take me home.”

He scoffed. “Maybe when you learn some manners.”

“I’m sorry.”

"I'm sorry." The phone, again. Followed by a thick rumble in the background that was all too familiar. I wanted to reach through the phone and grab her, to pull her to safety but what could a boy my age do? I was weak. I clutched the phone, turning my body away from Addison’s and instead heading to the door, reaching for it.

“No, I’m sorry.” I whispered, my voice almost cracking, but I controlled it. Addison’s hand latched down on my wrist, halting my movement.

“Damn well you are.” His eyes were fierce as they looked at mine and I snatched my hand from his grasp.

“I’m not talking to _you_!” I grabbed for the door handle again. “This is a really bad time, mum.” I spoke into the phone again.

"I love you, remember tha-" Her voice cut off into another wet gurgling sound and I cringed, hating that I was used to it, hating that it was almost as comforting as it was terrifying. Because it meant mum was here with me. Memories, like always, thrashed at the dark cloud in my mind, but I forced them to stay where they were, not wanting to risk the consquences of them escaping, bringing the emotions with them. I could barely handle my current emotions, piling on too many would fuck me up more than I already was.

"I love you too," I whispered, twisting the door handle and taking myself out, closing the door behind me. I walked down the path, listening to my mother breathe for amoment, the sounds ragged and choked, always choking. The front door didn’t open behind me, not as I expected it to, but I chose to ignore how it made me feel and instead mentally fought with the dark cloud in my mind, knowing the time to hang up was nearing. It was where the memories faded, where I forgot everything except waking up in hospital.

I sighed in relief, my knees almost buckling as the darkness began to withdraw, the memories thrashing at it dying down. It was a relief to be able to think clearly again.

I froze as a choked sound escaped through the phone’s speakers, a spark, a memory slipping past my defences and into the darkness. My head exploded with pain and my knees buckled, taking me to the ground. I almost dropped the phone but fought to hold on, blinking the haze from my eyes. The dark tendrils returned, lashing out with a ferocity that was _dangerous_. With it came a tidal wave of emotions and my eyes stung as a tear slipped down my cheek, resting on my chin before dropping to the pavement below.

“Zelda,” there was an evident gurgle and hitch in her voice as she choked and my entire body tensed. I listened, though. I held the phone so tightly to my ear I thought I would crush it. Every word, every syllable she uttered I tucked away, remembering so I never had to forget again. “Zelda would have been proud of you.”

Zelda? “Mum?” I croaked, fighting the lump in my throat and blinking back the tears. “Mummy?”

"I love you, son." I choked on a sob, but caught it, swallowing it back as the phone line went dead. It left me with a wave of emotions, a wave of thoughts that I didn’t know how to deal with. I was left in a cold, dark silence, but at least my mind began to clear again, and I shuddered in relief, curling my body forward, dropping my forehead to the pavement and inhaling shakily. I gathered myself, pushing myself to my feet, tucking my phone into my pocket right as the door open, my brothers storming out, one by one.

Daiton shoved me in the back as he walked past and I stumbled, but caught myself, feeling the brush of Elliott and Freyne’s shoulders as they too hurried past. Following them was Hunter and Ike, both of whom glared at me, tugging along Jackson who didn’t even give me the satisfaction of looking my way. Graden and Chester were next, Kerrick following them a lot slower. He stopped in front of me and I held my breath as he lifted his head, not looking at me, but over my shoulder. His hand reached for my sleeve, taking hold.

“I should never have shown you the photo.” He exhaled, dropping his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Kerr--” I was cut off by Berling walking out next, grabbing Kerrick’s arm and pulling him along with him. Kerrick’s hand slipped from my sleeve and my heart ached as I watched their backs as they walked to van, but not before Berling’s shoulder made contact with mine roughly, causing my chest to tighten. He kept a tight hold on Kerrick, not letting him go, and I wanted to scream, to shout, to make them understand, but it was pointless.

Addison and Bill were the last two from the house, closing the door behind them. Bill walked over to me, his eyes narrowed as he reached up, grabbing my ear. I almost yelped, but swallowed it as pain shot through me as he pulled me towards the car. “When we get home, we are going to have a big talk about manners and your apparent lack of them.”

"I don't care." My head hurt, my chest hurt, too much had happened in the past ten minutes and I was dizzy with thoughts and feelings that I couldn’t get rid of. Bill came to a sudden stop, pulling me along with him by my ear and I hissed past clenched teeth.

“Hand over your phone.” His tone was obviously telling me to not mess with him, but my eyes widened at his request and I pulled from his grip, taking a hasty step back and grabbing my phone from my pocket, holding it tightly and protectively in my hands.

"No!” I shook my head, holding it to my chest. “I need it in case mum calls!”

Bill’s eyes snapped fire and he leaned forward so quickly that I flinched, squeezing my eyes shut, waiting for the impact of his hand on my face, but instead his hand cut across my own, the sting forcing me to release my phone. A cry caught in my throat as I opened my eyes, reaching for the only source of communication I had with my mother, but I was too late, I watched in horror as it smashed to the ground, the screen shattering, my heart cracking along with it.

_No! No, mum! Mum!_

"Loran Fredrick Prince, your mother is  _dead_. She died in the same accident you became all kinds of screwed up in." Bill inhaled sharply, his face going a strange red as he glared at me angrily, "I don't know if you remember it all. I don't know if you remember  _any_  of it but because you were drowning, she thought it would be a good idea to go and get you. She thought she would come back out with you! But  _no_. Instead your brothers lost a mother and I lost a wife. Ever since that day you've been more of a hassle then you were when you were younger. Problems revolve around you! And right now, I'm starting to think it would have been better if she'd just stayed ashore! Less trouble for everyone!"

The crack in my heart shattered, splitting into a million pieces.

"Dad!" Addison barked, grabbing our father's shoulders, pulling him away from me. But the damage was done. My breathing hitched a second before it caught in my throat and tears welled in my eyes. It was out in the open now.

 _I_  was the mistake,  _I_  was the problem.

_I always had been._

I knew it deep down, but someone just had to confirm it.

And that just happened.

I blinked back the tears, but it didn’t work and one of them stupidly rolled over my cheek. I gasped, turning my head away and hastily rubbing it away, but another followed. I brushed that one away, too, sniffling as I glanced around at my brothers, hoping that someone, anyone could tell me it wasn't me. I wasn't that type of burden. It wasn't my fault. But they were all staring at Bill, their faces unreadable. Even Bill's face was slowly losing blood, paling him drastically.

He swallowed thickly. "Shit, no! Loran, I didn't mean it like tha--!"

I shoved past him. I didn't know if my legs could carry me to where my mind wanted to go but I didn't even think about it as I took off. The warmth of the sun as it began to set tingled through my body as my feet slapped the ground. I raced down towards the beach, taking a sharp right and heading up a nearby hill. I knew this area like the back of my hand. My calves tired and my body quaked at the effort I didn't stop. I knew where I was going. I was going to the cliff where it all happened. The cliff which stared down at me and my mother as we were crushed repeatedly against rocks. 

The place I'd first become the  _major problem_.

I felt the tears sting at my eyes, and I didn't stop them from running down my cheeks. I was choking on pathetic sobs as I crashed through bush, shoving at the branches as I made my way to the top of the hill. I stopped once I was there, looking out at the ocean. The beautiful and magnificent ocean. Take me. Be the one to carry me to my death. 

I understood now that this was where my life ended. I was an unlovable asshole, with too many issues, and a family who hated him, and no friends.

And a mother and a sister who had both left him.

I looked down at the rocky edge and then at the water that splashed angrily at the sides. The water continued to thrash angrily, the waves furious. I didn't know if they were angry at me for what I had done to my family or if they were mad at me for deciding to do this life altering thing. I took in the sight of the rocks, the ragged rocks as they stuck up from the water. 

And at that moment one thought flew through my head followed by another.

What if I jumped?

Would I be missed?

And then that singular answer that my bones chill to the core.

 _No_.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Loran -**

I let myself fall forward. The wind took control, ripping against my body as if trying to keep me up - but it was too weak. I was willingly giving myself up as a sacrifice for my family to be happy and I didn’t need the wind telling me otherwise. It had always been my enemy, I didn’t need any sort of help now.

It was a strange, almost foreign feeling, to how amazing this felt. To just let go. To release all my problems unto the wind, dropping my weight. I wasn’t overly fond of the idea of ending my life in the ocean. I loved the ocean, I didn't want to taint it with this kind of horror. What else could I do, though? I wanted to end this where it began – at this rocky edge.

It was an eerie kind of peaceful up here. My arms spread out like an eagle, the wind continuing to tear at my body, at my arms, at my legs. As if desperately begging me to rethink this decision. I was sick of thinking, though. I wanted to let it go. I wanted to  _die_.

 _It's warm up here_ , the only observation I could make as my feet slid along the ground, sliding forward. I relaxed, the bitter smell of salt water easing me into this. It calmed my senses. The water that lapped at the cliff's side rocked me into a gentle daze. My knees gave out as the wind stopped trying. My arms, spread out like an eagle, crashed against my chest as I fell forward. Nothing to hold me up anymore. The only part of my body still connected to the ground was where the heel of my shoe touched the edge of the cliff. 

A vision assaulted me, my mind darkening as I squeezed my eyes shut, wrapping my arms around myself loosely. Brown hair in a messy ponytail swung in front of my face. Two brown orbs twinkled with laughter, a large smile showing off shiny teeth. The smile was contagious and I wanted to beam at my mother as she held her arms out to me. My young frame scampered closer and closer to her, my chubby arms held out in front of me. 

Was this what dying felt like? Didn't they say your life flashed before your eyes? Was this my fist memory? But the weight at my feet, the ground still touching me, holding me almost steady, indicated I was still very much alive. I blinked at the face in front of me, my mother’s smile shining bright. She was beautiful, so radiant. I wished to return the gesture of a smile, a sweet thing, I wished for my heart to squeeze comfortably, for my stomach to bubble when mum wrapped her arms around me, keeping me safe and reminding me how loved I was.

Was it wrong to desire that?

The urge to smile grew, continuing to push at my cheeks until it broke across my face, tears squeezing past my eyes and rolling down my cheeks in a steady stream. I didn’t know if they were sad or not, though. I couldn’t tell if I was happy or not with my decision to end it. I just knew I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to be loved again.

The photograph from the newspaper flickered through my mind. My sister, Zelda, hanging limply from that tree. I never knew I had a sister, not until today. Maybe if I had known from the beginning I would have turned out differently, maybe I wouldn’t be here, dropping off a cliff.

Maybe I would have been happier.

Although, I couldn’t deny the small spark of happiness I did feel at the knowledge that I had a sister. It was a peaceful thought to know that I wasn’t the only choosing this path, what was considered a ‘weak’ exit.

I thought of my brothers, how would they feel? Relieved to be rid of me? Berling, being my second eldest brother, I always knew I would be second to his bike, no matter what. I accepted that early on, though, as soon as he stopped beating up my bullies, as soon as the bike replaced me, taking away Berling, my brother, and leaving me with Berling, the biker. He wouldn’t miss me.

Elliott and Freyne, the ‘twins’ who were not actually twins. They were a year and nine months apart and looked nothing alike, but they were as close as the quads. They were inseparable, thinking alike, acting alike, always in sync, so much it scared me. They wouldn’t miss me, not when they had each other.

Daiton, the one I hardly knew, hardly saw. He always seemed to be busy, whether with work or just anything that was not related to me. I was never given the time of day. When I was younger we would spend time together, and not because mum forced us, but because he genuinely loved me and wanted to be with me. Now he blamed me, though, seeing me at fault for our mother’s death. 

Chester and Graden were what everybody considered the ‘nerds’ of the family. A stupid stereotype that people often associated with glasses and buck teeth and suspenders, but Graden and Chester weren’t like that, although God knows they both wore glasses when reading, but only now and again – and where Chester wore them by choice, Graden actually had really shit eyes and was supposed to wear them, but chose not to. Chester, who looked identical to our mother, with the same angular face and dark eyes and hair. He was quite literally the male version of her and how Bill managed to look at him every day, I would never know. Graden, on the other hand, was… different. He didn’t exactly look like mum or Bill, but I remember mum always claimed he looked exactly like her grandfather, someone that we had never met and never seen photos of. Graden was still gorgeous, though, his cheekbones defined with plump lips, which always provided a brilliant smile and crinkled eyes. Graden was the most beautiful, that was for sure.

Chester and Graden had easily influenced Kerrick into becoming like them – not that I was complaining. I loved Kerrick, I loved how he was academically intelligent, I loved how he always beat people at a simple game of chess, even if he was reading whilst playing. I loved how, if he wasn’t playing chess, he would curl up by the window with a good book, despite my brothers, especially the quads pestering, to play a video game with them.

Hunter, the leader of the quads, was impulsive, but thoughtful. He never let one of the quads get hurt, but he also ordered them around like it was nobody’ business. Hunter was a strong believer of family love and adoration, which was obvious through the look in his eye when he looked at Ike, Jackson or Kerrick. He loved them. A gorgeous brotherly loved that I craved – amongst other types.

Ike, the second best carer, right after Graden. He loved family times, adored anything familial just like Hunter, but he also cherished moments to himself where he could sit on the couch and read or write for hours. He would often lay on the floor in the middle of the kitchen, a notebook and pen in hand, and he’s be there for hours, just writing, putting himself into the moment. Nobody knew what he wrote, but when he was lying in the middle of the kitchen nobody disturbed him. He was good for Kerrick, he’d keep him happy and distracted when I was gone, make sure he didn’t miss me.

Jackson, the flamboyant, open one. I remember the phase he went through with bright pink lipstick, always strutting around, living life as if it were a cat-walk and he was the model. He would sit with mum at her dresser as she applied make up and he’d brush powder over his face, sitting beside her. It wasn’t until the age of fourteen that he began to dress peculiarly, he would bring home dresses and say they were for his girlfriend when either I or Bill questioned, but we both knew he didn’t have a girlfriend. At sixteen he began to wear skinny jeans, dragging Kerrick into a similar style – not that I was complaining.

Bill was quick to cut any of Jackson’s phases down, though. At fifteen he threw out all of Jackson’s make up and dresses, along with any pink clothing he wore. He said it was so people wouldn’t get the wrong idea, but it was the first sign of homophobia I’d seen in him. It disappeared, though, because Bill never told us to shut off the television when a show with a homosexual character came on. If anything, he sat down and accepted it. Sometimes I debated telling him I was gay, that I was queer. I wasn’t sure what stopped me, since he could obviously not hate me anymore than he already did.

Despite that, though, Bill was still my father. The man who watched me grow. I wish I had a chance to thank him, but I guess this was my way of doing that. If he hadn’t opened my eyes, I would still be dragging my family along, ruining their lives. I was glad he had opened my eyes.

Addison was the final one, the eldest, the protector, the man who had almost been a second father to me, looking after me when Bill was unable. He would walk me to school, he stood beside me on my first day of secondary school, telling me I could do it. It may have been embarrassing, but I was so thankful for his support. I couldn’t have done it without him. I had struggled through my first few years, nobody wanting to befriend me because apparently I ‘stank’ - it was something I briefly remembered Kerrick going through – and no teacher having the patience for me because I wasn’t as talented as my brothers. They had hoped for another intelligent Prince boy, only to be disappointed.

I had always been so grateful for Addison standing at the gate after school, welcoming with a tight hug, ready to take me home, away from the hellhole. But that had stopped a year ago, and of course, I was older, I didn’t need him. But he never even offered anymore, he just stopped. My lunch wasn’t packed anymore, either. I remember one morning I woke up, expecting my lunch to be ready to grab after I was changed so I could leave. I had hurried downstairs, knowing I was running a little behind schedule, relieved to know all I had to do was grab my food and then head out the door-- but there had been no lunch. Nobody was even wake, which was odd in itself. I had shrugged it off, heading to school without food, assuming their alarms hadn’t gone off.

I was gravely disappointed the next day when it was the same thing, me rushing downstairs, a couple minutes late, hoping for food to be ready, only to realise I was the only one awake, again. I began making my own lunches the night before, or I would wake up earlier, because I didn’t want to question it, I didn’t want to be more of a burden than I already was, I just wanted to feel happy, for my family to be free of me and any hassle I may have caused.

I exhaled, squeezing my eyes shut tighter before blinking them open, not sure what to expect, but loving the view. Nothing but the dark water below me, slapping at the rocks at the cliffs edge.

_Good-bye world. As good as you may have been for the first several years, you turned against me._

It didn’t surprise me, though. It was too good, having the life I did with Bill and my brothers. I was never meant to walk this earth. I was never meant to be born. I didn’t deserve my mother or my sister, and killing myself to be with them was pathetic and stupid because I would be burdening them instead of my brothers and Bill-- but at least two was better than twelve. If I wanted to make this better I had to make tough choices and therefore two was better than twelve.

That was better, right?

 _Right_.

And it was done, no more thoughts as I gave into the darkness around me, all I consciously remembered were the faint sound of my name being shouted. My hands, shaking for some unknown reason, clenched into fists, my shoulders pulling taut, but I shrugged it off as my imagination, unclenching my trembling hands.

The world was saying goodbye, the wind screaming in my ears, but I paid them both no mind as my attention was all on falling, on the water below me, welcoming me.

I let my foot slide from the edge of the cliff.

My birthday was soon, this would be my own personal present to them.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Addison -**

I stared at my father, my eyes hard. I had no words for him, my mind a complete blank, except for the words he had spoken so harshly to Loran. I couldn’t understand _why_ he had said it. I understood he was angry – Loran’s behaviour had been absolutely awful – but what he said… It crossed a line. Dad knew Loran just as well as the rest of us, he _knew_ what those kind of words would do to him. _Especially_ now, Loran’s retreating back couldn’t have screamed anything else more clearly.

"I..." Dad swallowed, his Adam's apple bopping as he glanced in direction Loran had disappeared. "I can't believe I said that to him." Dad's lips trembled as he ran a hand along his face, shaking his head a little, knowing he had fucked up – which meant I didn’t have to tell him and could instead focus on finding Loran.

“Come on!” I hurried to the van, pushing the doors open and ushering everybody inside. I glanced over my shoulder at dad who still staring off into the distant. I exhaled, trying to soften my voice. “Da, we have to go.” He didn’t seem to make sense of what I had said for a long moment and I inhaled. “Dad!” I snapped the word and he blinked rapidly, turning to me. I gestured to the van impatiently. He nodded slowly, taking slow, dazed steps toward me. I held my breath, waiting until he was close enough before snatching the keys from his hand and pushing him into the passenger side of the car.

I jogged around the car, sliding into the front seat. I didn’t wait for him to buckle his belt, instead I put the key in the ignition and slammed my foot down on the gas, the van leaping forward. I sped in the direction that Loran had disappeared in, glancing in the rear view mirror briefly to catch any of my brothers eyes.

“Do you know where he would have gone?” I demanded, turning the car sharply onto the road Loran had turned down. We were driving aimlessly, only in the general direction. I hated that I didn’t know Loran well enough to know where he would go at a time like this. I was twenty-six, I had absolutely no clue where an almost fifteen year old would go if he felt like his world had just shrunk in on itself.

I returned my attention to the road in front of me as I flicked the headlights on, slowing down to look around. If dad said those words to me, what would I do? …Probably nothing, if not telling him to fuck right off. I wasn’t vulnerable to his words anymore, he couldn’t hurt me the same way he could Loran.

“Addison,” Kerrick’s hoarse whisper brushed my ears and I blinked, looking in the rear view mirror to catch his eye. He swallowed a couple of times, perhaps reviving the voice he rarely used. “The cliff.”

My eyes flashed as the word escaped Kerrick’s lips, my fingers clenching hard around the steering wheel and I noticed my brothers turning to pin Kerrick with their eyes – I hoped they weren’t glaring, though. Kerrick wouldn’t be able to deal with that.

"Excuse me?” Chester’s voice was steely, a tone I hadn’t heard from him before – It just showed how much Loran meant to us, to his brothers. Kerrick swallowed and Ike, who was sitting squished between Kerrick and Hunter, with Jackson on the other side of Kerrick, grabbed for his hand, holding it in his lap, squeezing it. He leaned over, whispering something into Kerrick’s ear which made him inhale sharply and nod.

“Go to the cliff,” Kerrick’s voice broke at the end of his sentence, and I watched in pain as he dug his nails into Ike’s hand. A lump formed in my throat and I tried to swallow it down, but it was too hard. Instead I nodded mutely, stepping on the gas and moving the car up the dirt hill. Kerrick’s voice, soft and low, barely made it over the hum of the engine. “You need to hurry, Addi.”

Normally I would brush the desperation in Kerrick’s voice off, thinking it was just the way he was, but not this time. It was too dire a situation and I’d never heard Kerrick sound so frightened. My knuckles whitened as I clenched the steering wheel, positive I would snap it soon enough. I took a deep breath, snapping my head around to look at dad, but he was leaning forward, his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. I blinked rapidly a couple of times, turning my attention back to road, trying to not speed, but desperately trying to get to the cliff as quickly as I could.

“Why?” I demanded of Kerrick, using my ‘big brother’ voice, knowing Kerrick would never lie to it – although, the poor thing would never lie at all, but I had to be one hundred percent sure. Kerrick knew something we didn’t, and he would have to tell us so we could help. I caught his eye in the mirror, my heart twisting when I saw the tears welling in his eyes. “Shit, Kerrick, what is it? You don’t think he’s going to--” I never had a chance to finish as a memory flashed in mind, a time in my life when I found out I was now the eldest child of the Prince family. Mum had had the same look in her eye before she told us the news of Zelda. Swallowing tightly, shaking the memory from my mind, I stared hard at Kerrick, my gaze sharp. “ _What did you do_?”

Kerrick's breathing shuddered and for a moment I feared he'd faint. Thankfully, he didn’t. His eyes held mine in the rear view mirror, and I knew I should turn my attention back to the road, but his eyes were so sad, I couldn’t turn away – I was also proud of his confidence, knowing it was something he struggled with. Taking a deep breath, Kerrick spoke, his words falling over everybody in the van. “She said for his fifteenth-- or before… So I-- I--”

"You what?!"

Kerrick’s words were choked. "I gave it to him."

I blinked, glancing between Chester and Berling, the only two who had stopped frantically looking out the window. I looked toward dad, but he still looked like he wasn’t hearing a thing, so I left him be, shaking my head and resisting the urge to pound the wheel. God dammit, why did this have to happen to our family? The van bounced along the gravel road, heading toward the top of the cliff and the closer we got the harder it became to breathe. If Kerrick’s fear was indicating _anything_ , it was telling me to hurry the fuck up.

“Kerrick, what did you give to him?”

Kerrick looked down, his nails digging into Ike’s hand, causing a couple spots of blood to appear. Ike bit his lips though, not saying a thing. “She told me to.”

"Who?" It was Daiton this time, his eyes blazing as he spun around in the seat, grabbing Kerrick's wrist tightly. I glanced at Chester with wide eyes, a warning look as Daiton looked just about ready to snap the bone in Kerrick’s hand. Kerrick's eyes flashed with worry and his mouth clamped shut – the exact opposite of what we wanted. 

"Daiton," I hissed. "Let him go. Kerrick, what the fuck are you talking about?!"

I thought perhaps dad would lift his head and tell me off for my language, but he didn’t, and I hated that he had broken down like this. God dammit it was his fault—No. No, no. I couldn’t blame dad. We were all at fault.

Daiton snarled something but dropped Kerrick's wrist. Kerrick quickly pulled it to his chest, cradling it gently. He looked up again, catching my eye in the mirror. They were still welling with tears, but I bit my tongue to stop myself from comforting him.

"Zelda." That one word made me slam the car to a stop. Kerrick flinched as he and everybody else went soaring forward, Freyne grabbed at Elliott, cringing as Elliott smacked his head against the window. Graden, who was sitting in the chair behind Berling, cupped his forehead, biting his lower lip, while Berling cursed a couple of times, pulling at his seatbelt to undo it. He spun around, staring hard at Kerrick, as was I. Kerrick heaved in a deep breath, as he scanned his surroundings.

We were just outside the shrubs that would lead us to the cliff, and my brain was screaming at me to get my butt out of the car and to get to Loran as quickly as I possibly could, to make sure he was okay. But I was too fixated on Kerrick, who was pale and shaky. He swallowed a couple of times and it was obvious he was fighting for his voice. “She told me to give him, uh, Loran, a-- a book…” Kerrick inhaled and exhaled, staring at the shrubs, his eyes wide. “And a photograph. _The_ photograph.” He began to pull at his seatbelt desperately, pulling his hand from Ike’s grip. “We have to go!”

I heard his words, but they didn’t click. A photograph? I frowned. _The_ photograph? I scanned my memory for anything, anything at all-- Oh. _Oh, shit_. I cursed loudly, and everything seemed to come back, all the colour, the sound as my brothers fought to escape the car, shouting at me to unlock the doors. I quickly did, internally screaming at myself for my stupidity. I turned, unbuckling my seatbelt and kicking my door open, pulling myself out with my brothers following me.

“Dad!” I shouted over my shoulder, catching sight as he lifted his head slowly, looking around for a moment, confused, before his head shot up and he moved as quickly as us, tearing his belt off and hurrying out of the car.

I paid him no mind, though, only one thought on my mind – I had to get Loran. If Loran was thinking what Kerrick was thinking then-- then I _wouldn't have a baby brother anymore_. I was aware of Kerrick's soft sobs, mingled with Berling’s heavy breathing as he ran beside me, our footsteps heavy on the ground and the shrubs moving before us as we shoved through them. I did my best to ignore everything, though, as I barrelled through the bush. Beside of Berling beside me, I was acutely aware of several people around me, their breathing as heavy as mine. I paid them no mind, though, as I crashed into open.

 _Not Loran. Please, not Loran. Not my baby brother_.

Lorie wasn't suicidal-- there was no way. He was so happy, so full of life… or… he had been… When had that changed? When had I stopped paying attention to the one who needed it the most? I had always know, but never wanted to admit, that Loran wasn’t like us, wasn’t as strong as us, couldn’t brush hurt from his shoulders like us…

“Loran!” Somebody was screaming, for a second I thought it was me, but I knew that my voice wasn't that high pitched when I was scared. Which means it was somebody else, _anybody_ else. 

"Loran?!"  _That_  was me. I had never sounded so frantic before, so fearful. Not since the accident with-- yeah.  As I fell through the shrubs, I looked around, my eyes adjusting to the darkness, but the moon provided enough light-- when had it gotten so dark? When had the light disappeared? I shook my head, focusing on one thing – not my burning thighs, not the lump in my throat, not my brothers around me – but the dark figure standing on the cliffs edge, falling… falling… falling…

My legs lurched, my feet slapping the ground as I all but threw myself at him.

Loran stood at the cliffs edge, arms spread like an eagle preparing to fly. His foot had slipped and he was falling, but not by accident, there was no way that movement had been accidental, that stance. Loran was trying to-- he was-- my knees locked, almost forcing me to the ground in a collapsed heap, but Kerrick’s scream snapped me out of it and I reached out, frantic, desperate, needing to just--

"No!" Dad's shout was all it took for my arms to snap out, my legs crashing into the ground as my hand enclosed around fabric. I hauled back with all my might, feeling my little brother's body leave the ground for one heart stopping moment before his body crashed against mine, his back to my chest. My arms wrapped around his torso tightly, a second before he screamed, the sound painfully ripping from his throat.  

I froze, my arms locked around him as he screamed again. My heart pounded in my chest and I couldn't believe I had done it. I couldn't believe that a moment ago my baby brother was in the midst of throwing himself from a cliff and now he lay in my arms, screaming. 

_How could I let it get this far?_

I was the older brother, ‘big brother Addison’ – the one who was supposed to take pain and shove it up bullies’ asses. Where had I been though when  _I_  was the bully? When all of us had been the bully to Loran? I had seriously fucked up and now I was paying the price. 

Loran's body convulsed against mine as he screamed again, his fingers clawing at my arms as his gaze stayed on the cliff's edge. My arms tightened around him as I scurried backward, away from the cliff's edge. I didn't trust myself to stand, not with my legs wobbling the way they were. I couldn't risk standing and letting him go. I couldn't risk losing another person in my life.

I couldn't comprehend how close I--  _We_  had come to losing him. 

I flinched as Kerrick threw himself down beside us, his arms coming out of nowhere to wrap around Loran tightly. Kerrick didn't seem affected by the screams and cries Loran was letting loose and I questioned whether this was the first time he had seen Loran lose it, but then I realised this was not the time to be thinking about it and held Loran closely, not wincing as his hands twisted into fists, grabbing at my jeans.

Bile rose in my throat at having him this close to me, hating the way my body yearned to touch him intimately, to kiss away the tears that rolled down his cheeks. I wanted to take away his pain the same way I did his brothers, to kiss it better, to touch him.

The thought made me shiver and I mentally scolded myself for being disgusting and thinking awful thoughts when Loran was in so much pain. I had no right to think of anybody, especially myself, except Loran. I blinked as a blanket was draped over my shoulders and I looked up to catch Freyne’s eye, his watery smile making my chest ache. Freyne’s eyes dropped to Loran and his hand reached out, almost hesitantly, to brush his hair back from his face, and I saw the raw emotion on his face. I swallowed, averting my gaze as Kerrick pulled the blanket around myself and Loran, huddling in closer, leaning his head on my shoulder so he could look down at Loran who had finally quietened down, although he didn’t appear happy by it.

Despite the dire moment, though, I couldn’t keep my thoughts on track. They kept slipping to the possibility of losing Loran, of losing the chance to tell him how we felt, not being able to express the want that ran deeper than any brotherly relationship.

My gaze flickered to search out all of my brothers, seeing their silhouettes standing around us. Berling, Chester, Daiton, Elliott, Freyne, Graden, Hunter, Ike, Jackson and Kerrick, curled up to my side, now clutching Loran’s shaking hand. I rested my own palm over theirs, holding them together, willing and wishing for Loran’s tremble to stop, but it didn’t.

A warm hand on my shoulder made me tilt my head the other way, catching Berling’s dark eyes, and I knew he was thinking the same thing as myself. If we had been even a _second_ late, Loran would never know of the secret we all held deep within our hearts, he would never know how our love ran deeper than brotherly, how our hearts seemed to thump in sync with his.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Loran -**

Strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me from the ledge, from my freedom. My chances to end it all disappeared almost as quickly as they appeared, and I did the only thing I could logically think of, the only thing which made sense in my brain.

I screamed.

The sound scared me, the noise being ripped from my vocal box as my fingers, still shaking, dug into the arm that held me, the arm that restrained me. I squirmed, my body writhing against the hold, but it didn’t release – it didn’t even loosen. I would be forced to witness the disgust of my family, how their thoughts of me would forever be moulded by this attempt.

Another scream broke free as I thrashed, twisting, trying to escape, but the arms were ropey and strong, holding me steady. It showed me how weak I was, which only disgusted how I was in myself, unable to even kill myself properly. I always claimed I was strong, but I wasn’t. I was weak. I was pathetic.

I gasped for air as the arms around me sagged a little, as if the pain in my scream was lacing around them, dragging the energy from their body, but when I tried to pull away, they hauled me back, and I fell with a thud, landing atop a body that spread warmth throughout me, my back to their chest.

I didn't want to be warm, though. I wanted to be cold. I wanted to feel the chill down to my bones. I wanted to feel something, _anything_ besides of this utter emptiness. No amount of screaming or crying was doing anything. No amount of my thrashing was going to make whoever this was release me. That didn't stop me, though. I put all my energy into tearing from this person's body. 

Not that I could escape, I was weak, everybody was stronger than me.

The thought made my screams turn to cries, the shaking in my hands intensifying and I hated it, I hated that I couldn’t control such a small aspect of this large problem – _me_ , being the problem. I released a strangled croak, my head dropping to the shoulder behind me before sliding down to the chest, hearing the thump of an unsteady heartbeat against my ear. It didn’t relax me, though, not as another hoarse scream forced itself from my lips, but it was quieter, like I’d lost the energy.

I dug my fingers into the legs beneath me, needing to feel grounded, to know I was somewhere, if not dead… I was on the verge of losing my mind--

“Loran!” My name was screamed by a voice that wasn't mine. I didn't open my eyes as a presence made itself known to my side and arms wrapped around me tightly. I sagged against the new restraint, the voice sounding a lot like Kerrick.

Kerrick.

_Oh, Kerrie._

Warmth was draped over me and I was pulled into a hard chest, Kerrick's head pressing against mine as two sets of arms now surrounded me, pulling me closer and closer. A hand, soft and gentle, touched my face, brushing my hair away from my eyes, but I didn’t see who it was.

I hiccupped past a sob, blinking my eyes open blearily. Choked sobs continued to tremble past my lips as I dug my head against the chest behind me, staring up at the sky – it was a beautiful night sky, with twinkling and dancing stars. Were they laughing at me? Mocking me? Did they tease me because I couldn’t even kill myself properly?

The noises escaping my lips gradually died down and I silenced myself, falling limp against the body behind me. I swallowed a couple of times, trying to get the numbness from my throat, but it was futile attempt. My screams had hurt a lot.

A hand slipped into mine, clinging tightly, and a fresh wave of tears hit me when I realised that, despite the calmness that seemed to have washed over me, my hands were still shaking – and not little trembles, but large, convulsing movements. It didn’t stop me from gripping the hand tightly, though, holding with all my might, desperate for everything to just disappear.

The arms around my torso tightened and a soft kiss was pressed to my temple. Warm air blew against the side of my neck and I shuddered, leaning against whoever was beside me. I tilted my head, wanting to know who it was, wanting to know who still loved me, even after everything I had done.

I was met by Kerrick’s warm and welcoming eyes, his soft face and sweet smile a reassurance to my unsteady heart. I leaned heavily against him and whoever was at my back, loving the way Kerrick’s hand tightened around mine, holding tight like he knew it was exactly what I needed.

I tilted my head the other way, even though my body had adapted to the warmth and didn’t want to leave it now. I caught sight of Graden, standing behind the shoulder of whoever was holding me, the silhouettes of my other brothers around him, but I couldn’t tell them apart when I was exhausted. All I saw was Graden, the way his lips trembled and he held a hand to his heart, rubbing his chest repeatedly. He was crying. Tears dropped down his cheeks so silently that I would have missed it - had I not known what to look for. 

Somebody shifted into the moonlight and I caught sight of Bill, my eyes welling once more as the words he’d spoken seemed to hash out in my mind. The corners of his lips were drooped, though, his eyes sad, almost like he… like he _regretted_ something. I swallowed, squinting at the shadows of my other brothers, noticing that they _all_ looked sad.

But… but why?

"I--" My voice broke and I stopped to gather myself, urging my trembling hands to squeeze Kerrick’s, who returned the gesture. “I thought you-- you wanted me gone…”

The arms around me tightened, as did Kerrick’s hand, and someone pressed their lips to my ear, not saying anything, but breathing warm air against my chilled skin. I swallowed the lump in my throat, stretching my legs out in front of me, waiting for somebody to agree with me.

“Is that what you think?” I was shocked at Daiton’s voice and I twisted my head to see him stepping up beside Graden, walking to kneel beside me, opposite Kerrick. I stared at him, holding his eye, but flinching when he reached up to touch my cheek. Daiton’s eyes flickered with something, but he withdrew his hand, pressing it to his knee instead. “Did you think we wanted you dead?”

It hurt. It hurt to hear him so sincere, with his calm voice and deep eyes. It wasn’t Daiton. Daiton swore, yelled from one end of the house to another just to say something like questioning where the television remote is, when it’s right next to him. This Daiton… whose words were barely a whisper, whose eyes was so… _too_ soft.

“Didn’t you?” I mused quietly, swallowing and willing my tears to dissipate, but they wouldn’t. If anything, they just intensified, streaming down my cheeks. Big, fat blobs of water fell from chin, laning on Kerrick and my entwined fingers. I blinked up at Daiton, hating the look of pain on his face. It didn’t belong there.

“Lorie--” Words seemed to escape him, but he settled a hand on my shoulder – as if that would say everything he couldn’t. It didn’t, though. The arms around me held tight, blocking me from moving, and I hated it. A new body knelt beside Daiton… Elliott. His fingers reached up to tenderly brush away my tears, before he cupped my jaw, his thumb rubbing along my jawline.

“Loran,” his words were whispered, “we could never want you dead.” 

Behind me, the body shifted, drawing away, and I was lifted to my feet, although unsteadily. Kerrick moved with me, his hand clinging tightly to mine as I was turned around. I was shocked to see Addison standing there, being the one who was holding me. I inhaled, not exhaling as he pulled me into a tight hug, his large arms wrapping around my shoulders, holding me tightly to his warm body.

Kerrick, thankfully, didn’t release my hand.

When Addison pulled away I stumbled, and fear gripped at me, my sight momentarily blacking. I almost collapsed, but Kerrick held me upright and then a new pair of arms were embracing me tightly. I exhaled, and then inhaled, instantly identifying the scent of Bill. A strangled cry escaped my lips as I tugged my hand from Kerrick’s, who let go with ease. I wrapped my arms around Bill tightly, holding, grabbing, clinging. I was shocked to feel him shaking against me, his own sobs quiet but audible as he pressed his lips to my temple.

I felt awful. This was my fault, I had done this. What sort of heartless monster was I? God, why couldn’t I just kill myself then and there.

"Loran," Bill's hand found my hair, his fingers digging into, massaging gently, but I pulled back, craning my neck to look up at him through my tears. "I am so sorry. I should nev-- No father should ever say that to their son. I love you, Loran. I love you so much. I'm happy you're here-- Don't go-- Don't leave, Loran. I love you." My head was pushed back against his shoulder and his arms tightened their hold.

“I don't want to be a disgrace," I mumbled against his chest, clinging to his shirt. "I don't want to be a burden."

Maybe it had been stupid. Maybe I had been in such a delusional state that I hadn't been able to think properly. Maybe I had put them through this for no reason. 

The darkness in my mind begged to differ, though. 

Bill's hands clung to me tightly for a moment before he let me go. I staggered backward, my gaze instantly locking on the cliff's edge. It sparked something… but I couldn’t be sure what. All I knew was that, suddenly, nobody was touching me right now. I could make a run for it. I could jump, leap. I'd be gone. I'd be free--

I was torn back to the moment when a hand rested on my shoulder. A blanket soon followed and I wrapped it around myself tightly, my shaking hands grabbing at it, despite the struggle I was having to grab hold. I swallowed, feeling a fresh wave of tears hit me as an arm settled around my shoulder, keeping the blanket in place. I tried to smile at whoever it was, but the effort of lifting my head, of turning and looking at them and offering something so fake was… was tiring. 

A hand slipped into mine and I instantly knew it was Graden’s. It was soft, his fingers long and nimble, his hand a different shape to everybody else. It was easy to identify Graden away from everybody else, and I was grateful. I sniffed, clinging to his hand tightly. My skin pulsed when I touched him, but I did my best to shove it to the back of my mind, needing to _not_ think about that right now.

Somebody turned me around, and I didn’t fight the hold. I allowed myself to be led through the bushes, my footfalls automatic, my body working on autopilot as I walked between Graden and somebody else.

I glanced over my shoulder one last time. I watched the cliff for as long as I could, feeling my hope drop away. Feeling myself slowly accept the fact that today wasn't the day. I glanced at the ground, staring at it as my feet stumbled along. I probably would've tripped several times by now, had I not been held upright.  

I was ushered into the passenger side of the van, everybody else piling into the back, except Addison, who slid into the seat beside me. His hand moved to take mine and I wished for the trembling to stop already, because I hated it, it was making me feel worse.

_But it wouldn’t stop._

“Please Loran,” Addison’s words were soft, as if talking to a toddler who had lost their mother in the shopping mall. His hand tightened around mine. "Never, _ever_ , do that again. Please. I love you, Loran. I know I don't show it much. I--" Addison cut himself off, licking his lips. "I know none of us really show it. But it's true. We all love you."

I exhaled, suddenly feeling exhausted. My eyes drooped as I leaned my head on the headrest behind me. "I love you, too."

Addison smiled a soft, sad smile, squeezing my hand. "Not the way we do."

I shook my head, my eyes sliding shut. "Not the way  _I_  do."

I never saw the look that flashed across Addison's face. I never felt his hand squeeze mine one last time because I was suddenly assaulted by sleep. Great, beautiful sleep. 

Sleep that didn't beckon nightmares to scare me, a sleep that was so deep and wonderful, I briefly thought I could fly. I liked these sleeps. I liked not thinking. Just having that darkness. Not darkness. No. I didn't like darkness. It always clouded my mind, it always moved for me. 

I liked peace. 

This sleep had peace written all over it. A soft smile graced my lips as I finally slipped into unconsciousness.  _Thank the Lord._


	10. Chapter Ten

**Loran -**  

“I don’t know!”

“Kerrick.”

“Stop it!" Someone inhaled sharply. "Just leave me alone!"

“Geez, for somebody who’s normally mute, he has a lot of bite in him.” A voice that matched Berling’s grumbled off to the side somewhere, followed closely by movement which jostled what, I assumed, was the couch, which had been keeping me comfortable until said moment. Frowning, I barely resisted the urge to roll over and find a more comfortable position.

“Kerrick,” What was definitely Bill’s voice was hushed, but rough, stern. The hairs on my arms stood on end as somebody brushed past my head, a shadow falling over my eyelids. I swallowed, cracking an eye open to see Bill’s back, his body in front of mine, blocking my sight from anybody else. “You must have had a reason to do what you did, we just want to know what it is.”

Nobody answered him, not even Addison, or any of the quads, who normally stood up for one of their own. I pressed my face into the patterned couch pillow, trying to see past Bill’s legs. I caught a glimpse of Kerrick, my hands beginning to shake again when I saw he was standing in the corner by the television, his arms wound around himself protectively, his shoulders hunched. It was a similar stance to one he took a lot as a child. Hunter, Ike and Jackson stood around him, offering silent support, and I exhaled in relief to know he was being looked after. Each of the quads, minus Kerrick, were pinning a glare on one of our brothers, if not two – it was only Kerrick who stared at the floor, the look on his face the one that I had when I wanted the ground to open up and eat me.

“I told you,” Kerrick sounded like he was on the verge of exasperation, almost frustration, but there was a hint of fear pulsing through his words, barely making its way through trembling lips. “She asked me to do it. I only did what she wanted, please, believe me.” He inhaled shakily and Hunter’s hand latched onto his as he glared at Berling who was standing to the side, his arms crossed over his chest. Kerrick lifted his head, not all the way, but it was something for him and I felt a small spark of pride. “Why is that so bad?”

"Dad," Ike chastised, "this is ridiculous. Leave Kerrick alone."

Hunter nodded, squeezing Kerrick’s hand and Ike draped his arm around Kerrick’s shoulder, holding him tight as Jackson moved to stand in front of the three of them, his hands on his hips and his face set in stone.

Bill ignored what he would normally consider ‘attitude’ and shook his head. “I want to know what made him, my _son_ , think  _suicide_  was the answer, and _you_ , Kerrick, gave him that damn newspaper article!" Bill's voice rose with the accusation. I could see his arms shaking now with tension and Kerrick just absorbed it, standing tall but still slumping between Hunter and Ike.

“Dad, just shut--” Jackson began, his eyes snapping fire at Bill, but Addison quickly cut him off with a wave of his hand, seeming to know where Jackson was heading and not liking it.

“Dad,” Addison spoke quickly, his words used as an intervention as he stepped into line between the quads and Bill. He was wiping his hands on his shirt before running a hand through his hair. "The last time you got mad you said some pretty regrettable things, okay? So--" Addison’s voice stopped, without being interrupted by anybody, and I lifted my face to him in confusion. I didn’t expect to catch his eye.

Addison’s intense gaze on me seemed to spark everybody else to turn, and I felt my face grow hot as all the attention was on me – just the way I liked it. Not. I opened my mouth to tell them all to piss off, but held my tongue as everybody instantly seemed to look away, making it too obvious, which further made me uncomfortable. Bill turned around, and I shifted, looking up at him as he stared down at me. We both seemed to swallow at the same time, and he knelt down beside the couch, his hand touching my shoulder, squeezing it gently.

“Loran?” It was a murmur, barely anything suitable for Bill.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, I sat up, my entire body aching, my hands hurting the most for some odd reason. I frowned, pushing myself into an upright position, leaning back against the couch as I eyed everybody around me. Somebody sat down heavily beside me and an arm draped itself around my shoulders, pulling me to their side. I turned my head, catching sight of Chester, who was nibbling his lower lip – a habit I never associated with him.

It was scary how much he reminded me of my mother, and I could only deal with the similarities for so long before I had to turn away and seek out my other brothers, who stood off to the side, looking out of place and worried and stubborn – all those good Prince family traits.

“Loran,” Kerrick's whisper had me snapping my neck to look at him efficiently. I swallowed at the look of utter hopelessness on his face and struggled to my feet. I pushed against the grip Chester had on me and stumbled past Bill, rushing along the floor to wrap my arms around Kerrick's waist tightly. I clung to him as if he were my last life-line, pressing my face to his chest and inhaling everything that he smelt like.

Which wasn’t much, a faint hint of tea, mint leaves, dark chocolate, rose candles. Everything that made Kerrick who he was – well, some of the things.

"It's not your fault," I pressed my mouth to his shoulder, tightening my grip around him, my arms wrapping around him so tightly I was briefly worried about cutting off his air supply. "It's  _not_  your fault."

“Loran,” Jackson's normally loud voice dropped into a hushed whisper, an almost strangled sound, and I dug my fingers against Kerrick's shirt, holding on for a moment longer before releasing him. I turned around, allowing Jackson to embrace me next, his arms crushing me, followed by almost identical hugs from Hunter and Ike. I breathed in their beautiful homely scents, my immediate elder siblings. I enjoyed their group bear hugs more so than their individual ones, but I wasn’t complaining. I was just happy to be back in their arms.

Once I was released from Ike, Addison pulled me into one of his own, his arms tight and the emotions associated with it were overwhelming. I shuddered against him, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck, hanging on loosely, my fingers gripping each other around his neck, despite the pain it caused my hands. Addison said something soft and reassuring as he pressed his palm against the back of my head, his fingers massaging my scalp. I almost wept at the thought of him, or any of my brothers, ever  _not_  wanting to hug me, not wanting to protect me. 

Berling was next. He and Daiton were both awkward at giving heart-warming hugs, but I wasn't going to call them out for it, because just their attempt made me warm and comfortable, something I really wanted to feel at the moment, and for every moment following. I was passed around the room, my body being passed to each of my brothers, who embraced me in crushing hugs, their own scent filling my nostrils.

Chester smelt of food, of the warmth emitted from the kitchen and all the ingredients within. Graden smelt of flowers, daisies especially. I wasn’t too sure why, though. Elliott and Freyne were spicy, like sweat and dirt, a more natural smell than anybody else. Although where Elliott was bitter, Freyne was sweet. Berling and Daiton each smelt of oil, petrol, from spending too much time with their beloved vehicles, or at the garage. The quads were home and Addison was protection, a big brother.

_God, I loved them._

I wanted to forget my horrible deed of the day. I wanted to sleep and wake up and forget. However I didn't think that was possible, not with the ache in my hands and the slight tremor that was beginning again. Along with the darkness still in my mind, still smothering me, I couldn’t see myself waking and forgetting any time soon. The black tendrils were still there, desperate to take me and devour me – me and my humanity.

Bile rose in my throat as I turned and wrapped my arms around Bill’s waist tightly, relieved to feel him holding me back, the way a father should. He smelt of aftershave and coffee.  

I blinked back the blurriness that began to settle in my eyes. This was my family. I had to get stronger, be stronger, for them. I had to make them proud. 

Maybe one day I would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving it here for now, but I'll be back to edit and add as soon as possible :)


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sciamachy - argument or conflict with an imaginary opponent 
> 
> But in Loran's case, it's not for exercise or practice.

**Two Years Later**

**Loran -**

I stared hard at my hands, willing them to _stop_. They didn’t, though. The slight tremor – emphasis on the slight – was still there, and no matter how many mornings I woke up and willed them to stop, they wouldn’t. I _hated_ it.

A knock on my door jolted me, and I lifted my head from my hands, wearily eyeing the door as it creaked open and Bill stepped inside, a smile greeting me. I offered one back, over-exaggerated and fake – which Bill knew, as nothing had changed between us over the last two years.

For the first month or two after the incident, he had acted like a caring fatherly-figure, but then my brothers had moved out, and all pretence seemed to wash away with the moving van. We had even decided to call the incident exactly that, a mere ‘incident.’ He had dragged me out of school, forcing me to go through with home-schooling – which did nothing but piss me off, because maybe I wanted to be socializing, maybe I liked the thought of befriending people who wouldn’t try to molest me.

Bill had confiscated my phone privileges as well, only allowing me access when it was an emergency. He said he wanted to stop my _special calls_ and, as much as I wanted to tell him it was all pointless, I had noticed a difference. The fog that had once clouded my mind, or if not my mind than my sub-conscious, had drifted, the dark tendrils moving away from mind. I had no clue where they had gone, but I was content with the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, it would be gone forever.

I think Chester was particularly happy about that. A couple months after the incident he had overheard me muttering to myself and, what I had then named, my sciamachy, not understanding the term at the time. He had told me to not talk to it like it was an enemy, even if it was, for that would make my fear grow stronger and, as he said then, my hands would never lose their tremor.

But what the tremor in my hands had to do with my sciamachy, I wasn’t too sure.

But, none the less, I was pissed by the ‘no phone’ thing. It restricted me from having a life outside of my family, it restricted me from getting out of here because I had to get out of here. I may not be an adult, but there had to be some way I could get out. I was terrified I’d end up living as my brothers did, living under this roof into their twenties and although they no longer lived under this roof, they still lived _together_ in their home.

It was also unbelievably stressful when they would come to visit and Bill would hound them with questions about future daughter-in-law’s or grandchildren. I wasn’t sure what I would do when the questions started raining down on me, it had been proven that I didn’t do well under pressure—

I glanced at my hands again.

“Hey,” Bill’s voice snapped me from my stupor and I snapped my head back up to look at him, frustrated as he lazily looked around my room, his eyes searching my empty suitcase and mess of clothes everywhere.

“Hi.” I joined him in looking around my bedroom, loving the cosiness it provided. As I had grown, the small room had become cramped, but despite the offers to move into one of my many brothers empty rooms, I refused. This room had been my nursery, therefore it had been mine literally since birth and I wasn’t about to leave it all behind, merely for more space.

“You ready to go?”

“Nope.” I popped the 'P' as my hands gripped my thighs, trying to keep my mind of them. I tilted my head down at my suitcase, “if that’s any indicator.” Bill, who I mentally congratulated for lasting longer than I thought – I was sure he was going to snap the second he walked into my bedroom – walked toward me, stepping over strewn clothing and dumped books, before taking a seat beside me, rocking the bed.

"Loran." Inhale.

Exhale, "Bill."

His hands reached out and took mine from my thigh, making me tense. His thumb ran over the back of my hand and I glanced up quickly to see him half-glaring at me. I lowered my eyes instantly, holding in a huff of exasperation.

“My patience will only wear to a limit. Could you  _please_  pack what you need and then come downstairs? My plane leaves in a six hours, and two of those hours will be spent driving to your brother’s house and then another two to actually get to the airport."

“That’s not my problem.” I bit the inside of my cheek the second the words left my mouth. I couldn't stop them though, not now that they dwindled in the air between us. So, instead, I stood, sliding my hand from his hold and moving to leave the bedroom, but Bill moved fast. He snagged my wrist in his hand, pulling me back to him so I was forced to stand in front of him. My jaw clenched painfully as I grated my teeth together, only a little bit grateful that he wasn’t standing up for this, because there was nothing I hate more than craning my neck… which was only a slight exaggeration, but not by much. I had been blessed with the short genes, had I not?

“Loran.” Exhale.

Inhale, “Bill.”

“This attitude of yours had better be gone by the time we get there,” he grumbled under his breath. “I am done with your ‘poor me’ act, and your brothers will be, too. Use that brain of yours to see that you’re doing absolutely nothing for yourself by sitting up in your bedroom all day, staring at your hands.” I swallowed at his personal attack, but didn’t comment. Bill stood then, and I took an immediate step back, tilting my neck so I could see him just as his eyes flashed something, before he turned and left.

I exhaled in something akin to relief when he closed the door behind him and slid to my knees, dragging my suitcase across the floor to my side, where I slowly began piling clothes in, not paying attention to what I was actually putting in.

Apparently an aunt – one that _I_ did not know of – fell ill not too long ago. Her son, who was _apparently_ only a year younger than myself, needed somebody to look after him whilst she was out of commission. At least, those were Bill’s words – his was of justifying why he was flying out to New Zealand to spend time with a nephew I didn’t know until aunt who I had never heard about got better.

“Loran!” I rolled my eyes at the sound of Bill's unimpressed voice from down the hall. I stood up, hauling my suitcase with me as I left my bedroom, heading down the hall. I stopped outside Daiton’s old bedroom, pushing the door open to peek inside, hating how empty it was. I shook my head, continuing down the hallway, dragging the suitcase down that stairs. I stopped at the bottom of the staircase, eyeing Bill carefully as he hastily spoke into his phone, abruptly stopping when he caught sight of me.

“Bill," I mocked, quirking an eyebrow. "You’re way too slow! Hurry up.”

Bill glared at me, but I brushed it off, staring at the phone as he said goodbye. Somebody shouted someone’s name on the other – T-something, like Tristan or Trinity or-- I shook my head. I didn’t care. I shifted past Bill, hoisting the suitcase along behind me as I headed to the front door, hauling it open. A nice breeze entered the house, wrapping around me, but I scowled, turning my back to it so I could retrieve my shoes. I caught sight of the calendar as I bent down, but then shot back up like I’d been electrocuted.

My eyes flickered over the calendar, not quite absorbing the information it relayed, but giving it a brief once over. I felt… strange. The same feeling you get when you’re forgetting something--

“Loran?”

_Oh, fuck no._

I snatched my shoes up and pinned my hardest glare out the doorway, wanting to turn around and go back inside, but my pride wouldn’t let me. I had hidden for such a long time, always making up excuses, and now… now I had nothing to hide behind.

"What do you want?" I did my best to make my voice sound steely but my legs were already wobbling in tune to my hands, and I wasn’t too confident that I could pull this off. Exhaling shortly, I walked across the driveway, reaching for dad's black jeep. I tried to fixate my gaze on the dirt along the tires and bottom of the car, so as not to feel his unthinkable presence as he walked toward me.  

"Loran... I-- Can we talk?" His hand rested on my shoulder, a weight I didn’t want. I swallowed back the gag-reflex and resisted the urge to turn around and break his wrist – not that I would physically be capable of that, but the thought was nice. Instead, I turned around and pushed him away, willing my hands to stay firm.

“Don’t touch me,” my words were crisp and clear, simple enough for him to not miss them. He licked his lips, watching me through blue eyes as he nodded quickly, taking a hasty step away. I was glad to see him stumble, even if it was only a little.

“I’m  _sorry_.” His words were quick and fierce, seemingly desperate for me to understand.

I didn’t understand, though, and I didn’t want to. “No, you’re not.”

"Loran!" He sounded aghast, "I  _am_!"

“Listen here, Blake Willow,” I hissed, slapping his hand away as it moved to touch me again. “You stay the hell away from me.”

Blake nibbled on his lower lip, tilting his head in understanding as he stepped even further away from me. "I promise to not touch you.” He licked his lips, his eyes flickering. “Can I speak to you, though?"

I laughed humourlessly, “no.”

“Please?”

“No. I have somewhere to be. You’d better leave before Bill comes out. That’s a warning.”

Blake's jaw clenched as he exhaled, nodding. "I really am sorry."

I snorted. “It was two years ago, asshole, you’re a little late.”

“Loran, this isn't the first time I've apologized. Could you just forgive me?"

“No.” I snapped, glaring at him angrily, “just go away!”

“Lor-”

“Excuse me.” We both snapped our heads around to see Bill standing at the front door, looking furious. Blake paled almost instantly, and although a part of me wanted to smirk, another part of me knew the feeling and wouldn't wish anybody in that position.

Despite that, though, I couldn't stop the teasing note in my voice as I looked at Blake, “told you.”

Blake glanced at me wearily, but didn't allow his eyes to stray off of Bill for too long. His hands gripped each other behind his back as he took yet another step away, lowering his head.

“I was just leaving, sir.”

“I thought you were, too.” Bill snapped, crossing his arms over his chest, “five minutes ago when I looked out the window to see you hassling my son.”

_Ha. Ha ha._

“Sorry… Sir.” Blake murmured, stepping up along the driveway. I grimaced at him as he quickly turned, hurrying away. A small spark of satisfaction burnt in my belly as I watched him leave, hoping he wouldn’t return.  It dissolved when Bill wheeled his own luggage from the house, closing the door and locking it before turning to me, his face set in a frown.

“Get in the car,” he gestured at me as he walked around to the trunk, putting our bags in. I huffed in exasperation, sliding into the passenger seat, crossing my arms over my chest, tucking my hands under my arms, trying to keep them still. I thought briefly of the calendar, wanting to remember what date today was, why it was so special?

“Listen, Loran.” Bill began as he revved the engine. “I know you and I haven’t exactly had the best time these past two years, but please don’t take it out on your brothers.”

I scowled, turning my attention to look out the window. _I’m not going to take it out on them_ , I thought,  _because I’m a sick bastard who’s in love with them._

“Sure thing.”

I heard him huff something inaudible to himself and that was fine with me. I didn’t want to talk to him either. I just wanted to figure out what was playing around with the back of my head, what was circling there? There was something special about today. I just couldn't put my finger on it.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Loran -**

I was on the verge of exploding as we finally pulled up outside the house. I hated long car rides, and sitting beside Bill, having him as my only company, just seemed to strengthen both the hate and the tension between us. It didn’t help that to finish this car trip, I was still sitting in the car, my hands – having slowed to only a slight wobble for the last two hours – now uncontrollable as I stared up at the white bricks that built the outer interior of the house.

I inhaled slowly, glancing around at the forest that surrounded us. I wanted to go and explore, to see if there was any wildlife, and if so, what sort. It was a gorgeous part of the world, and honestly, I couldn’t have chosen somewhere better to stay – despite that, though, I hadn’t seen my brothers in months.

Nodding slowly, I shuffled, grabbing for the doorhandle, but my grip was loose and wouldn’t quite grab. Chewing my bottom lip, I finally pushed at the door, opening it slowly.

“All right,” I enthused casually, moving to slide out. “Let’s go inside.” My hands gripped the dashboard, freezing me a moment before my foot touched the ground. I blinked, pulling my foot back up and into the safety of the car. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… maybe this was a mistake. Perhaps Bill would let me go with him, or – better yet – let me stay at home by myself. I was sixteen, I could look after myself.

Bill cut off the engine, sliding from the car and closing his door. I was in the same position even after he had gathered my suitcase, coming to stand beside me. His eyebrows were arched as regarded me carefully, his hand on my knee in what, I guess, was supposed to be comfort.

"Are you going to get out?"

I swallowed, "yes."

I slid from the car, grabbing my backpack and slinging it over my shoulder. At the sight of my quivering hands I quickly tucked them beneath my arms, trying to ease the jerky movements, but it didn’t help. Sighing, I instead twisted one around my suitcase, while digging the other into my pocket, hoping that, even if it wouldn’t stop, my brothers wouldn’t notice. I licked my lips after a moment of composing myself and stood up straighter, rolling my shoulders back and slamming the door. 

Not my wisest decision.

Bill's breathing seemed to heighten, as if he were hanging onto his sanity by a thread. Spending two hours in a car with just the two of us could do that, I guess.

“I want this attitude of yours gone by the time we see your brothers. Understood?” His voice lost its comforting lull and I hissed in response as he grabbed my arm, pulling me along with him, stopping just as we reached the path that led to the front door. Bill turned to look at me, his eyes steely and hard.

“Loran, I am dead-serious. Do  _not_  act like a brat with your brothers.”

“Sure, I heard you the first time.” I pulled from his grip and walked down the bushy trail to the front door. I made no hesitation in reaching out and knocking loudly before tucking my still trembling hand into my pocket again.

It took a total of five seconds to wait for the door to be thrown open and an arm to come rushing at me. I flinched, squeezing my eyes shut, awaiting impact, but was greeted by the arm instead wrapping around my shoulders, pulling me close. A warm, snug greeting hug. I smiled a little, relaxing against the hold. 

When they didn't let go, though, I began to feel frustrated.

“Uh,” my voice muffled into my brother’s shirt as I reached around, tugging on their hair for them to release me before quickly withdrawing my hand back to my pocket. They made a strangled noise and their hands only gripped me harder. I hissed, about to say something when someone else cut me off.

“Elliott, leave him alone.”

The arms around me relaxed instantly and I stumbled back. Addison came out from behind Elliott, grinning at me as he pulled me into his own crushing hug. I exhaled slowly as my own arms reached to wrap around Addison tightly. I had forgotten how warm he was, how warm Elliott was. I hadn't been hugged like this in such a long time. 

I sucked in a sharp breath at the threat of tears behind my eyes and quickly stepped back, ducking my head and swallowing rapidly. Addison’s hand dropped to my hair, ruffling it the way would if I were a young child. "Hey, buddy."

I opened my mouth to respond but I was immediately tackled by Jackson and Ike. I gasped, almost slipping backward, had a hand not all of sudden been supporting me. I blinked, turning my head to see Hunter staring at me, his lips in a broad grin as he helped me to stand upright. I had a 'thank-you' on the tip of my tongue but it was cut off by fingers digging into the spot just below my ribs. A shriek, just another thing I hated about myself, erupted past my lips as I squirmed away from the attacker.

A bubbly bout of laughter spilled past my lips, my legs shaking as Jackson beamed at me, pressing his fingers into my side more as Ike's own hand slid beneath my arms, tickling my weak spot there. I gasped as tears dripped from my eyes and I feebly tried to push them away, knowing I would've fallen down and escaped, had Hunter not been holding me tightly. I kicked against him, laughing as I finally dropped to the ground, curling into a ball. Hunter fell with me, still holding me, but I could feel his warm breath on my neck as he chuckled and my stomach pooled with the familiar heat of lust that I had been able to ignore for the past few months.

I had hoped their move would shock me into getting over these disgusting feelings, but if anything, it had intensified, my emotions, every time I thought of them, sparking something hot and sweet in my stomach – although, it was nothing compared to this.

I was brought back to my attack as three, sloppy kisses were pressed to my cheeks. I squealed, hating the sound, as Ike and Jackson pressed their fingers to my rib cage once more, before pulling away. I exhaled in relief as Hunter also rolled away, taking my hand in his and helping me to my feet, pulling my suitcase up as well.

He frowned, holding my hand tighter and I glanced over at him as he seemed to inspect it. I eyed my hand, not noticing anything different, until my mind supplied me with the shaking and I instantly removed it from his grip, tucking both my hands in my pockets, ducking my head.

“Loran--”

“How are you boys?” Bill’s voice made Hunter’s eyes widen and his thought process seemed to drift as he spun around, greeting Bill with a tight hug.

“What’s Princess Lauren up to on this particular day?” Berling’s voice penetrated my ears and I glanced up sharply to see him stepping from the house, clasping Elliott and Addison on the shoulders, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I met his gaze and his lips pulled into a smirk, making me flush, despite my best efforts to not do so.

I busied myself with brushing off, keeping my voice cool. “That’s not funny anymore,” but I wanted to question why the use ‘this particular day’ – what was so special? Or was it for the mere fact that I was seeing them for the first time in months. Berling’s smirk widened, his eyes twinkling, as he reached for my backpack, sliding it from my shoulders.

I had to restrict myself from reaching for it, knowing my hands would be a sore topic for a moment. My brothers had been hoping it would stop, I guess. Once the backpack was on Berling’s own shoulders, he reached for me, pulling me into a hard hug that I accepted willingly, not tucking my arms around him the way I would have liked to.

“It's always going to be funny to your big brothers."

I huffed, but ducked away from the hold before Berling could turn it into a noogie. I caught his teasing grin as I scurried into the house, dragging my suitcase behind me. I barely made it two steps past the doorway before a hand grabbed my arm and wheeled me back into another hug. I gasped against Addison’s shoulder, blinking rapidly as the intensity of the hug seeped into my bones.

“You’ve grown,” he observed quietly. A sigh escaped me as I looked up into his light blue eyes. I had grown, yes, yet I was still the shortest. Although I had been told in emails and letters that Kerrick and Graden weren't growing much anymore, either, which sparked a minor flame of hope within me.

I nodded, resting my head against his shoulder. “Yeah.” I caught sight of Berling walking down the pebbled pathway to Bill, who was still talking animatedly to three of the four quads. Elliott followed closely behind, ducking around Bill to look in the car – probably seeking out any food we may have brought.

“Have you been behaving for dad?” Addison’s voice brought me back to him and I exhaled, trying to shrug in the hold.

“Define behaving.”

Addison grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back at arm’s length, looking at me with his lips pressed into a thing line. His stare was all warning and no fun. "Loran-" He never finished, though, because Kerrick walked down the corridor to the front door and my attention was captured. I strained my neck to see him properly as Kerrick's tongue licked his lips, a soft smile gracing them. I tore myself away from Addison, reaching out for Kerrick who welcomed me in a tight hug, his arms encircling my back.

“Hey Lorie,” he whispered softly, only audible for my ears.

“Hey Kerrie,” I pulled back to look up at him, my trembling fingers grabbing at the back of his shirt. A spark of satisfaction grew in me at the knowledge that I might actually hit Kerrick's height by the time I was his age, or be close, at least. Kerrick continued to smile down at me until something flickered in my peripheral vision and Kerrick looked up. 

"Hi dad," he called a little louder, yet still managed to make it sound like a whisper. I turned around to see Bill struggling down the pathway with my Jackson pestering about something in his ear. Berling and Elliott both walked behind him, talking in low voices. Addison moved forward to snag Jackson’s hand, pulling him away and Bill offered a grateful grin.

“Boys,” Bill greeted, reaching over to ruffle Kerrick’s hair, “how are you?”

Addison gave my dad a level stare that transformed into a grin. Addison leaned forward to hug Bill tightly and once he pulled away Jackson tackled Bill around the middle, who laughed softly, returning the embrace.

“We’re great dad,” Addison assured, glancing at his watch. "The others went shopping to get food for this troublemaker," Addison shot a non-discreet look at me making my blush. "They'll back soon if you want to stay a while."

Bill's face creased a little with thought, but he finally shook his head, running a hand over his face as he sighed. "Sorry boys, I can't stay. Give them my love, though. The house is so empty without you." 

Something bit at my heart at the sound of that and I stepped back into the house, tucking my hands into my pockets. Maybe Bill hadn't wanted it to sound like that, but all I heard was that I was as good as dead. Addison glanced at me out the corner of his eye before looking at Berling and Elliott who both nodded simultaneously. 

Addison turned back to Bill, his smile still broad. "We understand, dad. Just get to Aunt Tracey and Ryan. Make sure they're both okay." Addison reached a hand out to rest on Bill's shoulder reassuringly. Bill looked at him, studying him carefully before leaning forward ever so slightly. 

I know the words weren't meant for my ears, but that doesn't mean I couldn't hear them. "Watch him, Addison. Carefully. I-- I'm still worried." Bill swallowed, "you know why."

I stepped further into the house, glancing around for Berling and Elliott but they disappeared while I was transfixed on Bill's words, on his tone. 

It’s like they didn’t trust me.

I turned, walking calmly down the hall, but my mind screamed at me to bolt – only, it would be too noticeable if I did.

"Bye, Bill. Take as long as you want!" I briefly called over my shoulder before disappearing around a corner. I vaguely heard Blake's name being tossed around but I was already too deep inside the house to hear anymore.

I walked along the hallway, my fingers brushing along the bookshelves that held photographs of us as children. There were several photos of mum and Bill, a few from their wedding day and one with them holding a baby in a pink blanket. Zelda? I licked my lips, stepping past the photo and looking at more. 

There was one with Addison, Berling, Chester and mum, who was heavily pregnant, sitting beneath an umbrella at an ice-cream shop. Berling had chocolate ice-cream running down his chin and some covering his shirt. He was grinning widely at the camera while Addison just stared it, his face in the midst of being screwed up in a cry. It probably had something to do with the mint ice-cream sitting on the table in front of him with nothing but a cone in his hand. Baby Chester had his head cocked to the side as he stared straight at the camera, he was sitting upright but he couldn't have been any older than one. Berling had his arms wrapped tightly around him from behind. 

Then there was mum. She sat so elegantly, one hand on her baby bump and the other on her sun hat which sat on her head, probably just about ready to fly away. Her brown hair was caressing her shoulders as she grinned at the camera, large, dark sunglasses covering what I knew to be her gorgeous brown eyes. 

I sighed, continuing to move along the rows of pictures. I stopped at one which made my heart thump loudly. It had been taken about a week before the accident when I was ten. It was the last photo we had taken as a family, with mum still alive. 

Berling and Daiton were both shirtless, their rippling muscles both equal to one another as they laughed, Berling in the middle of clapping Daiton's back while Daiton was eye rolling with a grin. Mum and Bill were both in the centre of the photograph, Bill with one of his arms around her shoulders while looking at her with the most affectionate look I had ever seen him give anyone. His other hand was on Chester's shoulder. Chester was grinning at the camera, Addison stood beside Chester, one hand around Chester's shoulders while the other was tucked behind his back, keeping Kerrick supported as he hung to Addison's back, peaking over his shoulder while beaming. 

Hunter stood beside Ike, the two of them holding cameras and Ike had his head tossed back a little as he laughed. Beside Ike was Graden, a book tucked against his chest as he smiled at the camera. He looked as if he had been disturbed from his book and was only allowing the photo to be taken so he could get back to reading. He was cooperating though, his body curved inward against Ike's so he looked a part of the family. Berling and Daiton both stood beside mum, Jackson kneeling in front of them as he sucked on a lolly pop, his lips turned upward in a somewhat smile, his back leaning against Berling's legs.

Elliott and Freyne were both sitting in front of mum, Freyne's legs tucked up against his chest as he held out the peace sign with his fingers. Elliott was grinning as he leaned back against Bill's legs, one hand tightly gripping Freyne's shoulders while the other steadied himself on the ground. They were both dressed in matching outfits, Freyne's just a bit brighter than Elliott’s. 

I licked my lips, scanning the photograph once more. I couldn't find myself-- Oh. There I was. Standing in the corner of the photograph, only wearing black. I wasn't smiling, just staring at my feet grimly. We had been on a holiday in Hawaii and this photo was taken on our last day there. I don't remember what happened, but I know I had a fight with someone and, like usual, the fight with one person turned into a fight with everyone and I was suddenly the bad guy. 

I had been upset in this photo, thinking no one really cared about me. I think I had been planning to run away at the airport or something--

“You were always wearing dark colours.”

I almost jumped out of my skin as I whirled around, shooting a disapproving glare at Ike as he came up behind me.

“Sorry, did I scare you?”

I rolled my eyes and turned away, running my hand across a single photo of mum, my fingers shaking as I shifted my eyes along the photograph. Ike reached out, taking my wrists in his hand and turning me around so I was forced to look at him. I held my breath, expecting him to question the tremble, but instead he just looked… sad.

"How are you, Loran?" Ike's gaze cut into me and I blinked. I willed my hands to stop their ridiculous tremor, but it seemed to strengthen – and I briefly wondered if it was because nobody had asked me that in such a long time.  I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to pull away but Ike's grip tightened on me and his eyes flashed. "Loran," he breathed my name as if I were a dime. I blinked at him. "Dad may have allowed you to lock yourself in your room and let your emotions escape by yourself, but that's not going to happen while you're here." 

Ike's fingers loosened around my wrist but I didn't pull back. "You can talk to us."

I inhaled through my nose, letting him tug against my wrists and pull me into the kitchen. Addison was leaning against a counter, Kerrick and Berling both sitting at the chairs at the counter and Jackson and Hunter stood at the backdoor, pointing to something down by the lake and talking in rushed voices.

“Hey,” Elliott walked in, a piece of paper in his hands, “I was thinking that for tonig- Oh, hey Loran.”

I only glanced at him as he tucked the paper into his pocket, stepping into the kitchen. He and Berling both shared another look as he opened the fridge, pulling out a pitcher of cool water. I shook my head as he offered me a glass, just standing beside Ike feeling awkward and stupid. I did my best to manoeuvre myself in front of my hands, tucking the one Ike wasn’t holding back into my pocket. I begged for it to stop, whispering quiet affirmations to myself, my lips barely moving as I ducked my head.  

"El," Addison spoke up, pulling his attention away from Berling, "we're just going to stick to the original plan."

Elliott sighed, nodding as he grabbed a glass of water and stepped around to sit beside Kerrick. Kerrick didn't pay him much attention as he sat staring at a book in front of him. Ike finally left the position he had taken up beside me to walk across the room toward Jackson and Hunter and I took the moment he left to tuck my other hand in my pocket, sighing in relief.

“So Princess Lauren, how’s life with dad been?” Berling asked from his position, earning him a half-hearted shrug from myself as I moved to stand closer to Addison.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Yeah man,” Hunter came over from the back door to glare at Berling mockingly, “don’t call him that.”

Berling rolled his eyes and flipped the bird at Hunter, causing him to chuckle as he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and bit into it. His eyes scanned me, staring at where my hands disappeared into my pockets, but it was okay now, with enough will-power, I had managed to calm the tremor to something imperceptible.

“Hey, Lorie, what kind of cake do you want?” Kerrick looked up from the book and I finally saw that it was of cakes. All types of cakes, chocolate, vanilla, fruit, iced ones, bland ones, and children ones. I frowned, tilting my head.

“Pardon?” I raised my eyes to meet Kerrick’s, who blinked slowly, his own frown working its way onto his face.

“You know, for tonight.”

“Um,” I glanced toward Ike, raking my brain for anything I had missed as he walked to Jackson, hooking his arm over the other’s shoulders. “What do you mean?”

Kerrick’s face fell the same time Berling’s eyes snapped to Addison, his face set and his mouth twisted. I followed his gaze and caught Addison staring at me, looking as if I had grown two heads in the past minute.

“Loran,” the words were spoken calmly, carefully. As if I were a child. “We always celebrate.” I _wasn’t_ a child, though.

I inhaled slowly, containing my temper as I exhaled. “What are you talking about?”

Elliott was staring at me too and I suddenly felt like there wasn't enough air for all of us. Why were they looking at me?! Had I done something wrong, had I forgotten something important? I mentally went over everything I could, all the dates I remembered, anniversaries for deaths, births and mum and dad’s wedding. Nothing sparked even a hint of recognition for today.

I glanced back to Kerrick, hoping he could help me in some way, but he stared at me, openly shocked. I winced. “What is it?”

Kerrick opened his mouth to stay something, but then shut it, swallowing. He glanced to Addison, a grimace on his face, before returning to me. “Lorie… you do know what today is, right?” The way he spoke to me was worse than Addison and I felt my cheeks burn as I realised that it must have been really important. Any chance I wanted of staying low was slapping me in the face.

I scanned each of my brother’s faces, finally thinking of the one answer which I knew couldn't be wrong. “Saturday?”

Addison rolled his eyes and then reached for me, making me gasp as he pulled my hands from my pockets, but I relaxed when I remembered that I currently had control over them. Addison cupped my face, his thumb gentle against my skin as he looked me right in the eye.

“Loran, it’s your  _birthday_."


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Loran -**

“My  _what_?”

The look on their faces couldn’t get any worse, the situation couldn’t get any worse-- but of course, when had my words not come back to bite me in the bum? The front door creaked open down the hallway, followed by the loud, boisterous voice of Daiton and Freyne, mingled with a frustrated Graden as he growled something under his breath. The kitchen door swung open a moment later and Freyne stepped inside, his eyes wide as they swept across the room before catching sight of me.

"Loran!" He was too enthusiastic, rushing toward me, his arms wide as they wrapped around me tightly, pulling me away from Addison’s hold – which I was grateful for. After a moment of having Freyne squeeze me, I willed my arms up and around his waist, holding tight until he stepped away.

Behind him, Daiton was smirking, walking toward me with power in his stride the second Freyne moved away. His arms lifted to wrap around me right as Graden, a book tucked under his arm, stepped into the kitchen, a scowl on his face stepped into the kitchen. The scowl dropped the instant he saw me, though, and he tossed the book onto the counter as stepped around Daiton hurriedly, throwing his arms around my neck.

A breathless laugh escaped me as I grabbed him tight, noticing that I was catching up to him in height – although, I was still shorter than both himself and Kerrick. I wanted to grow as tall as Kerrick, if not taller, but knowing my luck, I’d probably never get any taller.

Chester stepped into the kitchen, then, bags of groceries in his hands as he glared at the three men who had just arrived. He shook his head in disgust, placing the bags at the base of the counter. He stood up straight, stretching his back before crossing his arms over his chest, eyeing Daiton, Freyne and Graden. “You could have helped.”

He was rewarded by two sheepish grins and a shrug from Daiton, who, as Graden stepped away to help Chester unpack the groceries, slung his arm around my neck, pulling me against him.

“How’s life, Princess?” I scowled at his choice of words, pushing away from him. His words caught Chester’s attention, though, as the older man lifted his head, his eyes snapping onto me. He stepped over the bags, his arms outstretched as he pulled me into a tight, crushing hug.

“Loran, how are you?”

I hugged him tightly, inhaling against his chest. “Good.” I squeezed him before taking a step away, lifting my head to look up at him. Chester grinned, nodding in satisfaction. His eyes did wander down to my hands for a moment and I hastily shoved them into my pockets, ducking my head. Chester exhaled, ruffling my hair, before moving away to help Graden.

“Sorry, Ster.” Daiton glanced at Chester over his shoulder. “You can’t expect me to help you with groceries when Princess Lauren was waiting for his prince in shining armour, right?” Chester ignored him, bending down to rifle through the bags with Graden, who stood up and began stacking cans on the bench. Kerrick made his way around to the kitchen, taking the cans from counter and placing them in the cupboard. It was such a casual domestic routine, I almost felt like I was right at home.

But then I remembered I wasn’t.

Chester glanced up at Addison, catching our oldest brother’s eye. Addison squinted a little, communicating something through the look, before nodding at me discreetly – but not discreet enough. I felt eyes on me and turned to see Berling and Elliott automatically turning away, whilst Hunter frowned, crossing his arms over his chest and Jackson turned his attention to his nails, drawing Ike’s attention about his nail beds.

It was too hard to think that this reaction was all because I had forgotten my birthday.

"Okay," Freyne finally questioned, slinging an arm around Elliott’s shoulders, hanging. He glanced around at our brothers, a frown on his face. “What’s wrong?”

Nobody answered him and for a moment I hoped they wouldn’t say anything at all-- I could only wish, though. Addison sighed, moving to the kitchen to ruffle Graden’s hair in greeting, bending to lift one of the grocery bags to the kitchen table. He glanced inside it before turning to Chester.

“Are there anybody groceries to be brought inside?”

Chester held up the car keys, “a whole trunk full.”

Addison gave a curt nod, taking the keys from Chester’s hand and handing them to Kerrick, who had finished putting the cans away and had dragged the book on cakes back toward him, leaning his elbows on either side of the book as he flicked through it. He glanced up as Addison tapped him on the shoulder, though, tilting his head in curiosity.

“You and Loran can go and bring in the groceries, okay?” Addison pressed the keys to Kerrick’s palm, squeezing it before releasing and Kerrick frowned, staring down at the keys and the back up at Addison, obvious confusion on his face.

Addison crossed his arms over his chest, “you heard me.” He nodded toward the kitchen doorway. “Go.”

Kerrick’s jaw dropped as he snapped his head around to look at Ike, who was frowning at Addison. Ike swallowed, turning his attention to Kerrick, seeming to put an apologetic look on his face. “Just do it, Kerr.”

It couldn’t have been the answer Kerrick was expecting, because his eyes narrowed into the closest thing to a glare I’d seen from him. He pushed away from the counter, slamming the cake book shut and turning on his heel, his shoulder brushing Addison’s as he left the kitchen, heading down the hallway. Everybody stared after him, eyebrows high.

At least I wasn’t the only one shocked.

Kerrick was timid ninety percent of the time and other ten percent he kept to himself.

“Come on, Lorie,” he voice called from the hallway, and although it was at a normal volume for anybody else, it sounded like he was shouting at me. It sparked my body into movement and I hurriedly followed him, rushing to catch up as we headed to the car.

“Kerrie, this is ridiculous.” I reached for his arm, bringing him to a halt. “You don’t have to babysit me, the only sent you out here to make sure I didn’t listen in, but I promise I won’t if you want to go back.”

Kerrick huffed, his shoulders pulled taut before they slowly released and he exhaled. “They don’t want me in there, either.” He turned around, his face lowered to the ground, but he took my hand from his arm, entwining our fingers. I held my breath at the action, knowing he would feel the tremor and comment on it.

Kerrick didn’t say anything, though. He just squeezed, offering me a small smile. I returned it, but it fell flat. I released my breath when he let my hand go, brushing at his face as he turned, his stride calm and slow now as he walked to van. I swallowed, catching up to him and interlocking our hands, praying for the best. I pushed down the anxiety building and instead found my voice.

“Why don’t they?”

Kerrick shrugged in response, his steps faltering a little bit as we made our way to the van, the trunk open. I released his hand and helped him grab several of the shopping bags until we had them all, but I didn’t dare walk toward the house. My brothers, or more specifically, Addison, Berling or Daiton, would skin me alive if I entered the building without Kerrick by my side.

“Come on," Kerrick nudged me with his shoulder, his voice dropping to a whisper, the same whisper I knew, had grown with. "We'll go the back way." I obediently followed behind as we moved around the large white brick house, trekking through mud and dirt.

I took my time to look around as I followed Kerrick closely, my gaze sliding along the multiple trees that framed the gardens. The beginning of a forest, of woods, had me unconsciously taking a step towards it, but Kerrick reached out, sliding the bags onto his wrist so he could latch his hand around my wrist, pulling me back to the spot beside him.

I huffed, following him around to the back of the house, my eyes still trailing the forest to the side, but then Kerrick stopped, I did, too, my gaze snapping around to look at him, but I was distracted by something, my jaw dropping as I took an unconscious step forward. The lake was massive… gorgeous… wide. The groceries almost slid from my hand, but I held tight, trying to ignore the urge to run forward and jump into the dark water.

Oh, what it would be like to swim in the dark abyss, the surface glistening with the morning sun, the air a nice cool breeze. A bevy of swans swam across it, and my heart thumped against my ribcage. I wanted to feel the water, to have it slide against my skin, to touch it--

“It’s shaped like a heart,” Kerrick whispered, his own eyes on the lake – as they should be.

“Does it have a name?”

Kerrick smiled, shrugging, and I rolled my eyes. I glanced back across the lake, on the verge of dropping everything and running, throwing myself at the large body of water. I needed to feel it, to have the water wash over me.

Kerrick sighed, the sound sad. He turned, stepping up onto the back patio. “Come on, Lorie.” He walked past an outside seating area, pot plants lining the sides of the patio. I took a deep breath and followed, my eyes wide when I glanced through the glass doors, floor to ceiling windows on either side, lining the house.

I was able to see my brothers standing around the dining room table, pulling out a banner that read ‘Happy Birthday.’

My heart stuttered in my chest as I quickened my pace to catch up with Kerrick, who had dropped off the other side of the patio. My mind whizzed with the knowledge that I was seventeen today. Seventeen. I’d be eighteen in a year, finally able to move out, to get away…

More like runaway.

I shook the thought from my mind, not wishing to linger on how Bill hadn’t even said ‘happy birthday.’ Did he not care, had he forgotten, or was he just too stressed?

I trudged along behind Kerrick, stepping past windows and down off the patio, coming to a stop as Kerrick did too, standing in front of a door. He fiddled for a moment with the bags in his hands before reaching for the doorhandle, twisting it and pushing it open. It opened into the laundry.

"Just dump the bags there," Kerrick gestured to the fridge that sat between the dryer and a wall, placing his own bags down and stretching his back. I frowned at the fridge, trying to think if I knew anybody else who had a fridge in their laundry. I couldn’t think of anybody, so I just assumed it was because there were so many men living in this house that it was a basic requirement.

I dumped my bags beside Kerrick’s, stretching my own back and shaking my hands out, wincing down at them as Kerrick turned around, his eyes soft as he reached for me. My eyes flickered up to meet his, frowning as he took my hands in his, giving them a gentle squeeze.

“I see the mannerisms haven’t stopped yet.” His words were soft, too gentle.

I bit into my lower lip, shrugging helplessly. “Sometimes I can’t notice it, but sometimes I can.”

Kerrick hummed in response, running his thumb along the back of my hand. “We’ll think of something, it won’t stay forever.”

I shrugged, tugging my hands away and tucking them into my pockets. “I’m not sure, Kerr, it’s been two years.”

Kerrick tilted his head to catch my eye, smiling reassuringly. “It’ll be fine, I promise.”

The second his words escaped his mouth, Berling opened the laundry door, stepping inside. I froze instantly, watching as he stepped past us to leave through the door behind me – not looking at either of us. Daiton followed close behind him, not glancing at Kerrick or I as he broke into a jog to catch up with Berling’s purposeful stride. I crinkled my nose, watching them go before turning to look at Kerrick, an eyebrow quirked.

Kerrick smiled fondly. "They've been working on a project out there. Hunter and Elliott, too. And Jackson, actually--"

“Not just us." Speak of the Devil. Jackson walked into the laundry with a hammer in his hand, his eyes on Kerrick as he regarded him carefully, almost afraid of what the consequence would be if he passed the wrong look. Kerrick turned away, leaning down to rifle through the bags of groceries, beginning to put some things in the fridge. Jackson glanced at me. “We’ve all been working on it. Kerrick, too.” I glanced at Kerrick but he wasn't paying me any attention, not anymore. "Anyway, Loran, Addison wants to see you in the kitchen. Kerrick, you're coming with us."

Kerrick’s back straightened and he turned on his heel, a brisk movement as he followed Jackson, but as he passed me his hand brushed mine. My hand tingled and I brought it to my chest, holding it close as I watched them leave over my shoulder. Kerrick was obediently following Jackson and I watched for a moment longer before sighing and leaving the laundry. I stopped short, though, when I found myself in a part of the house that I didn’t know.

Frowning, I stepped toward a door, unsure which direction it would take me, but hoping it would somehow lead to the kitchen. I mentally thanked my brothers for leaving me in territory I didn’t know as I pulled the door open, but I slammed it shut a second late, my eyes wide and heart pounding.

It smelt like _sex_ in there.

Of course, virgin-me didn't know the exact smell of it but I was certain it smelt like this.

I licked my lips, hesitating before opening the door again, glancing in to see if I could identify whose room it was, because God knows it was a bedroom. If the whole comfortable demeanour of it didn’t scream it than the huge king bed did. _Definitely the type for an orgy_. I flushed at the thought, clutching the door tightly, the tremor in my hands momentarily stopping as my knuckles whitened. The sheets were ruffled and I couldn’t help but wonder which of my highly respectable brothers would bring someone over and not tell their family they were seeing someone--

Or what if everybody knew, except me? Wasn't I the only one who didn't know about that cousin of ours, Ryan?

Shaking my head I quickly closed the door, turning and grabbing a different door handle. This one was a bathroom. A large, luxurious bathroom, black tiles lining the walls, the crisp white bathtub – although it was definitely big enough to be a hot tub - and the large, glass shower standing off to the side. I frowned, looking up at the lights hanging from the ceiling, giving it a very industrial feel… honestly, what the hell? How could they afford this?! A black door on the other side of the bathroom made me grimace, knowing I could easily get lost in here, but not wanting to be stuck in one spot and also wanting to have a look around I stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind me and walking to the other. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure I wasn’t being followed before opening the door.

It led to another bedroom. Similar to the last one except the scent of sex was so much _stronger_ in here. I bit my tongue. So, more than one of my brothers was having somebody over. I wondered briefly if I ever would meet the person who had stolen their hearts, who had taken any chance of me being with them-- but honestly, I never had a chance.  

Despite knowing that I should not be snooping, curiosity got the better of me. I stepped into the bedroom, closing the bathroom door behind me. I stepped across the room slowly, my hands reaching out to drag over the sheets before recoiling instantly. I scowled, bending down to rub my hand on the carpet. The sheets were wet. I hoped to God it was sweat, but I didn’t want to know the answer.

Swallowing, I continued to walk around, almost tripping over a small chest at the edge of the bed. Frowning, I bent down, unlatching it and opening it to peer inside. I really shouldn’t’ve. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of ropes and ties and silk and handcuffs. All different colours, all different shapes, some thing, some thicker. I closed the chest gentle, standing up and passing my hands through my hair, feeling the trembling strengthen. I inhaled slowly, relaxing my body, trying to not think about how kinky it was, and instead turned to leave. Although, with every step toward the door heat seemed to course through my body, tightening my groin and making me flush.  

 _Shit_.

I quickly left the bedroom through the bedroom door, finding myself in the hallway that lead to the front door. I swallowed thickly, shaking my head to rid myself of the images of everything I had just seen. I honestly could not go into the kitchen being hot and bothered, Addison would instantly pick up on it and he’d question and then everybody would question and-- I cut my train of thought as my hands trembled violently. Cursing, I tucked them into my pockets, squeezing them into tight fists.

I exhaled slowly, trying to loosen my muscles as I stepped into the kitchen. Addison was sitting at the bench, a newspaper in hand. He glanced up when I walked in, his lips lifting at the corners. “Lorie, you and I need to have a talk.”

I swallowed, nibbling my lower lip as my brain went back to what I had seen against my will. Could one of those bedrooms belong to Addison? I wasn’t about to ask. God knows I wasn’t about to ask. I didn’t want to know, I was quite content in my little bubble of oblivion.

I nodded at Addison’s words, stepping toward him slowly, bringing myself to stand on the opposite side of the bench. I kept my hands tucked in my jacket, not wanting him to see, knowing he would definitely pester me. I licked my lips, “listen, if it’s about my birthday, it’s really not that big of a de--”

“It’s--" Addison cut me off, standing up. "It's, uh, not about your birthday. It’s something-- Something a bit more important.”

"More important?" I mused quietly, watching him carefully as he moved around the counter to stand in front of me. I tilted my head back to look him in the eye, taking a hasty step away, but I hit a chest and flinched, pulling away to look at Graden, who was staring at me with those deep eyes of his. I swallowed, glancing over his shoulder to see Chester and Ike standing there – where on earth had they come from?   

Bloody hell, this felt like a planned set up.

“I don't understand…” I choked back the words as I turned back to Addison who seemed to advance towards me. His gaze slowly dropped along my body before it snapped back to my face, and I felt the heat from Addison's gaze slowly move along my body. Graden’s chest behind my back did nothing for my semi-hard cock, especially since – despite my desperation to forget it – the trek through the bedroom had already sparked something. 

Addison exhaled slowly, raking a hand through his hair. "Loran, listen--"

He cut himself off to look over my shoulder, and I did, too, feeling more than seeing Graden back away from me, picking up his book from the bench and opening it to where his bookmark claimed he was. His face was bright red as he dug his face into the pages, leaning back against the counter with the stove top. Ike leaned over to elbow him, but Graden swatted him away, clearing his throat into the book.

Addison huffed a breath, and I returned my attention to him. He licked his lips – a nervous habit I rarely saw – and continued. "Your brothers and I-- We've been doing something... something stupid… uh, horrible actually. Well, it's-- I think-- And a couple of the others think that it's about time you found out."

I stared at him. I had never seen Addison stutter in the sixteen-- Seventeen years I had known him. He was always the cool and composed brother, never showing any signs of uncertainty. I was confused and aroused and the combination wasn't good for someone as dumb as me. I was bound to say something stupid.

“What?”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Loran -**

My eyes levelled on Addison, my soul captured by his stare, holding me steady. I barely noticed as the back door slip open, my other brothers stepping through, wiping their dirty hands on their pants. I was too involved in Addison’s eyes, a gorgeous, sterling colour, light but burning, making me uncomfortable. I swallowed tightly, feeling my jeans tighten the smallest bit.

I was positive somebody would call me out for it. I needed to leave, to disappear, but I couldn’t, not with Addison watching me so intently. He looked as if he wanted to devour me and the thought was arousing – the last thing I wanted to think about, especially with my jeans already feeling a size smaller than they were. I needed to get to the bathroom… desperately.

“Loran,” Elliott’s voice was questioning, husky and low. The single word penetrated my ear drum and I jolted, having not heard him walk up behind me. He smelled of sweat and dirt, making my belly tighten with heat. I was aware of his body heat radiating against me as his hands brushed my hips before rising and landing on my shoulders. I turned with his pull, breaking the eye contact with Addison’s blue ones to meet the deep brown ones of Elliott.

“What?” I croaked before clearing my throat, hating how small my voice was, a mere whisper. I tucked my hands into my pocket, the muscles in my arm sending small convulsions down to my hands, forcing them to shake stronger than the slight tremors. Swallowing, I hastily tucked them further into my pocket. My entire body seemed to lighting on fire, especially as Addison stepped up behind me, trapping me between himself and Elliott. Suddenly, I couldn’t identify my emotions, a hand on my shoulder turned me around again and my heart was pounding so hard against my ribcage that I questioned if it was arousal or fear… not that I was scared, but my brothers were acting odd.

I took a step back as Addison leaned forward, hitting Elliott’s chest. I barely managed a coherent thought as arms wrapped tightly around my torso-- I could feel my cock swelling in my pants. My stomach churned and the arms tightened around me, as if worried I would squirm from the hold and run off. I inhaled sharply, catching my breath in my lungs and holding it there.

“Lorie,” Hunter’s voice whispered from across the counter, low and… and seductive? I shook my head. No, no definitely not. Addison stepped away from me, his hand withdrawing and leaving me cold. Hunter took up position where he had been, though, his eyes meeting mine, the same way Addison and Elliott’s had. I continued to hold my breath, not trusting myself to not make a fool of myself. Hunter’s eyes flickered downward, a small grin tugging at his lips. “You appear to be having a problem.”

My cheeks burned as I dropped my eyes down to the front of my pants-- sure enough, there was an evident lump. Swallowing the horror, I managed a weak, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” but of course I did. I could feel the heat simmering inside me, boiling my blood and turning me on.

I struggled in Elliott’s grip, trying to get free, but it was a futile and pathetic attempt on my behalf. I swallowed again, urging the flush to disappear, along with the quivering in my hands. I was in no mood to explain that, not right now.

“Of course you don’t,” Daiton mused, his tone teasing but his breath warm as he walked around the counter, dragging his hand along the bench top before coming to a stop next to me. I was surrounded. I twisted my head to glare at him, hating his warm breath and what it did to me. My glare fell flat, though, as I met his eye. All my strength seemed to melt from me, leaving me in a state of weakness. With a gasp I finally exhaled, my cheeks reddening more-- if that was possible. I twisted my hands into fists, trying to soothe the shaking, but nothing dulled it.

Tearing my gaze away from Daiton, I fought to control myself, needing to have myself handled so I wouldn’t blurt everything to them, so I wouldn’t do something stupid and unthinkable… of course, that wouldn’t be a problem if they already suspected.

“I…” I swallowed, trying to keep my voice even. “I- I don’t kn-know.” I cursed myself. Good fucking job, Loran. If they didn’t suspect something before they certainly fucking did now.

“Mm,” Elliott’s arms loosened around me the slightest bit and I stumbled away, spinning around to press my back to the counter, watching them all wearily. I couldn’t allow any of them to touch me, not when I was like this. Elliott waved his hand at me, shooing me. “Go and fix yourself.” He nodded toward the hall door. “Then come back and tell us of this girl you’re so fixated on.”

“And then we can talk about the type of cake you want,” Graden piped up and I glanced at him, baffled by his off-topic sentence. I looked toward Addison, swallowing thickly when I saw his eyes on me, watching me intently. I guess whatever he wanted to say could wait…? Unless it wasn’t important.

Turning to leave, I murmured a brief, “I don’t want a cake,” before ducking through the doorway and hurrying down the hall. I assumed they had more than one bathroom… at least, I hoped they did. I pushed against each of the doors glancing in to find which one was a bathroom. I found a study and a bedroom that actually looked normal with four single beds. It obviously belonged to the quads, if the clothes strewn across the floor and the scent was anything to go by.

I finally found the bathroom, shutting the door tightly behind me to rest my back against it. Exhaling slowly I slid down the wood to land on my butt, spreading my bent legs a little. I hesitated before unbuckling my jeans, sliding my hand into my boxer briefs. I inhaled sharply as I wrapped my shaking hands around my weeping cock. At least the shaking was a slightly pleasurable touch… I gave myself a timid squeeze, closing my eyes as I imagined my brothers, leaning over me, stark naked. I sank my teeth into my lower lip as I jerked clumsily, not wanting to blurt their names.

My other hand slid along my thigh, imagining each of my brothers faces in rapid succession, imaging their hands sliding up, up, up, grabbing at my balls-- I gasped sharply as my hand cupped my sac, a moan fluttering over my lips. I thought of my brothers holding me tightly, their muscles pressing against my body, keeping me warm… I arched against the door, thumping it a little bit as my hold tightened, the quivering in my hands making this feel a lot more intimate. A mist began to form in front of me as my breathing heightened, moan after moan slipping from my lips, my thighs quivering as I touched myself the way I’d seen everyone online do it.

I needed, wanted to get off, desperately sliding my hand along my cock to come apart… just a little more--

I groaned, “fuck, shit.” I slid the hand on my balls back, arching my hips off the ground to dig my finger along my backside, barely reaching, but managing. I inhaled sharply as I pressed my single digit inside me, squeezing myself, imaging it was somebody else’s finger, penetrating me, dragging these moans from my lips.

I couldn’t believe my brothers believed it was the thought of a girl that had me turned on in there and now a moaning and groaning like a love sick fool. A girl? That was the most ridiculous thought in the world. Boobs didn’t do it for me, cocks did. My brothers cocks to be specific.

Slowly manoeuvring myself onto my knees I slid a second finger inside me, squeezing my eyelids at the burn. I rocked my hips against both of my hands, moving forward into my palm and back against my fingers. My breathing hitched, my toes curling as I leaned forward, trying to brush something inside me that would make me scream--

Except I didn’t want to scream… that would draw too much attention and I couldn’t afford for my brothers to listen in. My thighs quivered before pulling tense and my nipples stood perky and unattended. Withdrawing my fingers from behind, I slid them under my shirt, over my chest, pinching my nipples, twisting them. Pain sparked through me, but that seemed to do it. Stifling a shout, I was momentarily blinded by the intensity of the release, white hot pleasure pulsing through my veins, boiling my blood.

I breathed deeply once I was done, dropping my hands to the ground to catch myself as I fell forward, my body feeling like jelly. My hands still shook, but it was at a degree that I could ignore with ease. I pushed myself onto shaky legs, inhaling deeply as I stumbled to the vanity, grabbing it to steady myself. I licked my lips, biting my tongue as I glanced up, looking in the mirror.

I was such a mess. A sweaty mess.

I shook my head, turning to the tap, twisting it and sliding my hands under the cool water. Once I had scrubbed my hands relentlessly I cupped them, gathering the water before splashing it in my face. I exhaled in relief, blinking back up at the mirror as the cool water slid down my cheeks and neck. I smiled softly at my reflection, still dazed from the release and the ecstasy I had felt a mere moment ago.

My brain seemed to realise what I was staring at, though, and my shoulders pulled taut, the smile slipping from my face. God, I was hideous. The colour of my hair, dark and stringy. I looked like a bug. I stared hard into my eyes, the colour dull and lacking any kind of shine. There was nothing good to look at. My fingers hooked beneath the hem of my shirt, dragging it up. I bit the inside of my cheek as I stared at my stomach in the reflection.

_Ew… seriously, Loran. Get fit, get hot. No wonder you don’t have a love interest, no wonder nobody except your family can stand to look at you... and even they struggle._

I shook my head. That wasn’t true. Blake--

_Blake's a player. He doesn't care about anything but getting laid._

I squeezed my eyes shut, hating the thoughts that continued to assault me. My hands gripped the sides of the vanity, the tight grip restraining them from shaking. I ducked my head, searching the flawless, white porcelain bowl, my gut clenching. It made sense… why my brothers didn’t like me, why they moved out… why I had no friends, why Bill didn’t want me.

Why was I cursed with these looks? Why wasn’t I able to look like Hunter, or Berling, or Daiton or Elliott? They were so… so rugged, so hot. Why couldn’t I look like Graden? Hunter and Graden were the only two who had the same eye colour and hair as myself-- although Graden’s shade was the lightest of all of us, almost a fair blonde. His eyes were also a shade darker, making him unique to all of us… maybe that was why he was so gorgeous. Hunter, although he was quad, none of them looked identical, even though that’s what they were… he looked like his own self instead of an identical twin – because that’s what had happened: Hunter and Jackson were split from the one egg, as was Ike and Kerrick… although their birth order was extremely inquisitive.

Of course, the four of them had the same facial structure, the almond shaped eyes, and they each kept their hair at the same length on purpose – easier to trick everybody. They only difference was eye and hair colour, along with their uneven heights.

I didn’t understand why I couldn’t look like them… _any_ of them. Each of my brothers were blessed with their appearance and here I was--

A knock on the bathroom door made me jolt and I spun around, my heart slamming against my ribcage.

“Loran, you’ve been in there an awfully long time for someone who just needs to jerk off,” Jackson, of course. His voice was teasing, but it dropped off to something more serious, echoing through the compact room. “Are you okay?”

The pounding in my chest made me dizzy and I reached a quivering hand up to cup my head, digging my fingers into my hair. I swallowed rapidly, nodding, even though I knew Jackson couldn’t see me.

_Calm down, Loran._

“I’ll be out in a sec!” I called back, ignoring the shake in my voice. Hopefully he would, too.

I heard Jackson talk to somebody, his voice filled the room again a moment later, “are you sure you’re okay, Lorie? I can get Addison if you want, or Berling or Chester.”

 _No_.

Something similar to this had happened last year. I’d been beating myself up about how I looked, tearing myself down, and it resulted in me locking myself in the bathroom at home and smashing the mirror. I had cut my knuckles from it, but I hadn’t cared. I had been too scared and confused by the overwhelming power of my thoughts.

It had been a night that Bill was out, and Addison was at a party. Chester was sent in, but he left with a bloody face. My blood, of course, but I had slapped him when he came too close to me. So instead Berling was sent in. He straightened me out and got me tucked up in the lounge room. A pillow and a blanket, Kerrick had given up one of his favourite bears as a child, smiling gently at me, sixteen years of age and being treated like a six year old.

“No,” I called back, clenching my hands into my shirt, hoping my voice was reassuring. “I’m okay.”

“Loran,” the voice belonged to Chester this time, and I shut my eyes tightly.

“I’m coming!”

“You have five seconds until I get Berling to knock this door down.”

My breath hitched. Their incessant pestering didn’t help in any way. I gripped my hair tightly, trying to quell the shaking in my hands as I bent over the sink, breathing in deeply, holding it as I fought to calm myself, because I had to. Their voices, maybe not yelling, but that tone, frightened me, made me feel like I had a reason to hide.

_Calm down, Loran. They’re your brothers, you don’t need to hide… you really don’t!_

“I’m  _coming_!” I fought for a confidence I wasn’t feel, just a smidge, enough to get me outside, because doing this my way and not theirs was better for me.

Hastily I bent down, jerking my jeans up my legs, buckling them and straightening my shoulders, turning around and exhaling the breath I held, grabbing the doorhandle to jerk the door open, doing it before I lost the small bite of confidence. I was greeted by Chester, Jackson and Graden. The three of them stood there, their eyebrows drawn together with worry. Swallowing tightly, I shoved past them, stepping down the hallway, moving through the archway that led into the lounge room. My legs didn’t stop moving until I reached the couch. I settled myself down, burying my face in my shaking hands, feeling the tremors reach my shoulders, but I didn’t cry. I didn’t dare cry.

_Just breathe._

“Are you okay?”

I jolted upright to see Kerrick standing there with a glass of milk and plate of biscuits. He smiled impishly at me, moving to sit beside me on the couch. I swallowed, shuffling over to make room for him. I tucked my hands between my thighs, squeezing them together, trying to hide them even though I _knew_ Kerrick knew.

He offered me the glass of milk and I resisted the urge to scowl, turning away. Kerrick huffed a soft laugh, placing the plate of biscuits on the coffee table, sliding the glass down beside it. He then shuffled around, hooking one leg up onto the couch so he could face me. He reached forward, his cool hands taking my wrists, tugging my hands up from where I had trapped them. He slid his palms over mine.

“Loran, this isn’t… this doesn’t define you.” He took my hands in his, squeezing gently, rubbing his thumb along my knuckles. “You went through something terrifying and this is your body dealing with it.”

I licked my lips, pulling my hands from his grip, keeping my head lowered. “It’s been happening for two years, Kerrick.” I whispered, hating the tremor in my voice. I rested my hands on my legs, squeezing my thighs. “It won’t go away.”

“Maybe not,” Kerrick reached for the glass of milk, passing it to me and I took it hesitantly, “but surely there are times where it’s barely noticeable. Times when you don’t care.”

I shrugged in response, bringing the milk to my lips, taking a greedy sip. It was comfort food in our family, biscuits and milk, and I trusted Kerrick to know when I needed it. I leaned forward, unsure whether I wanted to take a biscuit or not, but Kerrick swiped two off the plate, handing me one and dunking the other in my milk before eating it. He grinned at me, a brief thing, but I cherished it.

Dunking my own biscuit in my milk, I nibbled on it, looking around the lounge room. There was a plush carpet on the floor, stretched from one end of the room to the other. A few bean bags were stacked in the corner, a red love seat opposite the plain black one I sat on now. A glass coffee table decorated the centre of the large room, two arm chairs facing inward, looking toward a large, flat screened television which was framed on either side by large book shelves. Books and picture frames littered the shelves… more picture frames to feast my eyes upon.

“Listen, Loran,” Kerrick murmured, taking the now-empty glass from me. I hadn’t realised I was drinking while looking around, but I did realise I felt better, comfortable. Kerrick hooked his arm around my shoulder, leaning back against the couch, dragging me with him. I moved willingly, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about their pestering, you know how they are.” He shook his head, “they’ve done it to me, too. They key is to ignore them when nothing’s wrong and confide in them when something is.” He squeezed my shoulder. “We are your brothers, you know,” there was a faint tone of humour in his voice. “We love you.”

I didn’t answer him, instead sitting there in silence. I didn’t mind the quiet, and neither did Kerrick.

However, when the single quad exhaled, shuffling restlessly, I blinked up at him, catching his eye. He quickly diverted his, looking across the room, through the open doorway that led into the kitchen. He licked his lips, a nervous habit of his, and finally sighed.

“I’m sorry, Lorie.” His words confused me. “I’m not the best at being the big brother… I’m used to being the younger one.” He spoke his words slowly, choosing each one carefully. “But… I still have my own big-brother-worry-O-meter installed, and right now it’s buzzing, saying you need a hug and maybe a cry?”

A lump formed in my throat at his words, but I choked it back, tucking my head against Kerrick’s neck, inhaling deeply. I moved my arms to wrap tightly around his mid-section, holding strong, not wishing to let go. Kerrick exhaled, his body relaxing against the couch. His hand reached up, digging into my hair.

“There we are,” he pressed a chaste kiss to my head, raking a hand through my hair. “You want to have a cry?”

I chuckled breathlessly, worried that if I spoke I might just. Kerrick seemed to understand, nodding against my head. He shuffled around for a moment, hooking his arm beneath my knees and sliding me over his lap. I didn’t protest, not the way I would with any of my other brothers. Instead, I snuggled into the embrace.

I swallowed the lump in my throat back, blinking a couple of times to find a voice that wouldn’t crack.

“Kerr, um,” I bit my lip softly, “you’re a good brother.”

Kerrick's body tensed for a moment and I think I stunned him. I licked my lips, about to say something else when Kerrick's voice rose up, his chest moving and his heart fluttering where my ear was pressed to his shirt.

"Thanks Lorie,” he whispered, “so are you.”


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Loran -**

I didn’t dream much anymore, not since my phone had been taken away and all phone call privileges were pulled from my grasp. I should be happy, honestly, not having to deal with the fear when I was at my most vulnerable… but I honestly felt indifferent about it.

“Loran, dinner!” A voice, one I couldn’t identify from far away, shouted and I blinked blearily, the ceiling above me coming into view. I frowned, pushing myself up on my elbows, confused by the soft mattress beneath me before I remembered. I had almost fallen asleep on the couch after lunch, so Kerrick had shown me to my bedroom… and what a god-awful bedroom it was.

For a bedroom that belonged to a seventeen year old, it had an awful lot of Mickey Mouse and Thomas the Tank Engine and- and- dare I say it? Strawberry Shortcake. It was _everywhere_. Exhaling with a soft groan I landed back on the bed, staring hard at the ceiling and all the little stars that littered it… did they think I was five?

“Dinner!” The same voice was now outside my bedroom door, a knock accentuating the words. I groaned again, louder this time as I sat up, tossing my pillow at the door – a pointless gesture but I was still half-asleep.

“I heard you the first time!” I shouted back, sliding off the bed as I rubbed at my eyes.

“Then hurry up!” The rough snap was definitely Daiton, I chose to ignore him as I grabbed a fresh pair of pants, a pair of sweats, from my suitcase, and a plain black sweater. Sighing, I pulled my sweater over my head, leaving my legs naked as I stared at my reflection in the mirror on the back door, biting my lower lip. If I hid my face, and sucked my gut in, I looked… cute?

“God dammit, Loran,” my door suddenly opened and I jolted back, my eyes wide as Daiton stepped inside. “What is taking you so-- long…?” His dark eyes flickered instantly down to my legs, bare and suddenly quivering. I watched him swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing before he lifted his eyes to my face, an eyebrow quirking.

I flushed bright red, staggering backward, the back of my knees hitting the bed. With a gasp I fell backward, my sweater sliding up, showing my cock, weeping and growing erect. My eyes widened as I tore my sweater back down, not thinking this could get much worse.

Daiton licked his lips, his eyes flickering to the hem of my sweater as he took a staggering step forward. I sank my teeth harder into my lip, my throat closing over, I couldn’t form any words, not with the heat in Daiton’s eye… a look I’d never seen before, but decided I wanted to see again.

“Daiton, what on earth is taking--” Graden’s voice, soft and inquisitive, echoed from the doorway as he stepped into the room behind our older brother. His eyes flickered over me, lowering to where I gripped the sweater, my eyes wide and wet, my cheeks hot. Graden swallowed, licking his lips in a similar way to Daiton, but he shut his eyes quickly, taking Daiton’s arm in hand. “Loran, hurry up and come downstairs, okay?” His words were hoarse, a bare whisper as he gave Daiton a tug, managing to pull him from the room, reaching back to close the door behind him.

I heard whispered speech on the landing outside my bedroom, but paid it no mind as I was distracted by my reflection. My face was bright red, my eyes red, my legs shaking, my hands only slightly quivering – which surprised me, I was sure they’d be shaking violently, but I didn’t want to jinx it.

There was a collected sigh on the landing before footsteps disappeared. I bit my lip, watching myself a moment longer before standing up. I grabbed my sweats off the ground and tugged them on, not wanting to waste a single moment in case somebody else walked in.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself and my beating heart. I couldn’t allow this little incident to impact the rest of the day, I really couldn’t. Trying my best to not think about it, I grabbed the door handle, jerking it open and stepping out. I was instantly hit by the delicious aroma of roast chicken and vegetables – my favourite. Travelling down the hallways I stopped at the top of the staircase – a small one that led to the bottom of the hall, an open door at the end which had been closed since I arrived here.

There was a bathroom up here, and a bedroom that looked like it wasn’t used much – meaning I was put somewhere where nobody ventured… I felt the love.

I moved down the staircase slowly, hating that it was narrower than the ones at home. I pressed a palm to the wall, stepping down slowly, and once I reached the bottom I ventured into the kitchen. Berling, Daiton and Freyne were conversing quietly as they set cutlery down around the room, Daiton glancing up at me before diverting his gaze and moving around the table. I nibbled my lower lip, looking toward Chester and Graden as they stood at the counter, sliding chicken onto plates while Kerrick and Ike served vegetables.

“Good to see you’re awake,” I spun around, catching sight of the cake box in Addison’s hand as he stepped into the kitchen behind me. He slid it into the fridge, turning back to me to hook an arm loosely around my shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Good,” I mumbled, ducking beneath his arm as Jackson and Hunter stepped inside through the back glass doors. Chester began passing plates to Berling and Daiton, instructing them on who had what and where to set them. I stepped up behind Kerrick, who turned and jolted with surprise at the sight of me. He exhaled, offering me a small smile as he took my hand in his, squeezing it as he led me toward the table.

I couldn’t say I was happy with the seating arrangements… but that was only because I was going to be seated next to two of my brothers, no matter what. Kerrick set me down, moving around the table to sit opposite me. Hunter and Ike took a seat either side of him, Jackson sitting beside Ike on his left, making up the four seats on that side. Addison settled himself down on my left, putting him opposite Hunter, and Berling sat on my right, opposite Ike, with Chester opposite Jackson. On the other side of the table, between Jackson and Chester, were Elliott and Freyne, and opposite them were Daiton and Graden – both of whom were not looking at me.

I kept my hands tucked under the table as Addison said grace, a tradition of ours for dinner time. While his whispered words echoed around the table, I did my best to bring my hands down to their imperceptible shake, not wanting to deal with my brothers pestering. Lunch had been okay because we all sat on the patio to eat sandwiches and nobody questioned me sitting by myself.

Dinner, though? No, this was going to be a lot more difficult.

“Let’s eat,” Addison picked up his knife and fork, as did everybody else around the table. I didn’t, though, waiting a moment to get myself under control. Kerrick’s feet nudged me gently and I glanced up, catching his eye as he glanced down at my cutlery. I offered a curt nod, exhaling slowly as I lifted my hands from under the table, the jittery movements almost unnoticeable as I began cutting at my chicken.

“So,” Freyne piped up, grinning at me across the table. “Loran,” my eyes flickered toward him, “since you didn’t tell us what type of cake you wanted, we guessed.”

I opened my mouth to say it was okay, I didn’t really mind, but Elliott’s voice interrupted me. “Yep, hope you don’t mind chocolate swirl, lil bro.” He grinned at me as he put a piece of pumpkin in his mouth.

“We also have a present for you,” Addison murmured beside me, his voice low, “and maybe we’ll do cake and ice-cream tonight, in the backyard? Make it like the birthday’s we used to have on the beach. Sound good?”

I tilted my head to the side, catching Addison’s eye as I nodded. “Sound’s great.”

Addison grinned and I loved how it made him look younger than he was. It was also contagious and I found myself grinning back, licking my lower lip as I turned back to the food in front of me. The smile dropped through when I realised my knife was hitting the plate unsteadily, my fingers beginning to shake. I took a deep breath, willing the shake to go away as I continued to cut the chicken, acting like nothing was wrong.

I caught Kerrick’s eye across the table and he smiled reassuringly, nodding encouragingly as I brought a piece of chicken to my mouth. I tried to suppress a moan as it assaulted my taste buds, but the noise slipped out, my eye lids fluttering.

A chuckle rose around the table. “I guess dad doesn’t cook the way Chester does, huh?” Berling snickered, munching on a chicken wing. He winked at me when I looked up at him, and I felt my cheeks warm as I averted my gaze, stabbing a potato and shoving it in my mouth.

“Normally we just have take-out,” I murmured, shovelling more food into my mouth. “This is a nice change.”

“I’m sure it is,” Hunter chuckled across the table, folding his cutlery onto his plate as he pushed it into the centre. He turned to Addison, “do you want me to go and check everything is under control for the present?”

Addison shook his head, placing the last bit of chicken in his mouth. “No, it’s okay, Hunt. We’ll all go together.” He looked around the table as everybody finished up, I stared down at my plate, nibbling my lower lip as I shoved more food into my mouth. Let’s just add slow eater to the things that differed between my brothers and I. I blinked as a fork came from across the table and stabbed a piece of my cabbage. I snapped my head up to see Jackson grinning at me, leaning back to put it in his mouth. I smile gratefully, pushing my plate away as it was finally empty, save for a bone.

“Awesome,” Addison grinned, pushing his chair back and standing up. I didn’t hesitate to follow him, and neither did anybody else. We headed out the backdoor, stepping across the patio and then off and onto the dirt. I swallowed, staring up at all the trees that leaned down and leered up at us, small, cheap lanterns providing the only light, along with the toenail moon in the navy sky.

“Hey,” Hunter grabbed me around the waist, swinging me around. I lifted my head, smiling up at him. “Can I carry you?”

“Carry me?”

“Yeah,” his breath was warm in my ear. “Can I?”

I licked my lips, mentally begging myself to not get a boner as I nodded. Hunter grinned from ear to ear, spinning around and squatting in front of me. My breath caught in my throat, briefly thinking about how it would be if Hunter was facing me and was squatting in that way….

Shaking my head I slid onto his back, bringing my knees up around his waist and hooking my hands around his neck, but not tight enough to choke him. Hunter stood up straight, and I felt the muscles in his back beneath my chest. Oh, wow, Hunter was tone. Oh. I clung tightly to him, chewing my lower lip as Hunter began to walk.

“You okay up there?” Chester queried, resting his hand on the small of my back. I wanted to say no, to not let anyone realise how happy I felt up here, but I couldn’t hold it back, so I grinned. Hunter made a strange noise, something akin to a groan, sounding like a horse as he leaped off a rock.

“Perfect,” I managed as Hunter jostled me around, racing forward and then stopping abruptly. He spun around in a circle and I had to cling to his shoulders, crossing my ankles as I clung tighter to his waist. A giggle, short and abrupt, erupted past my lips as I pressed my forehead down between Hunter’s shoulder blades.

Freyne chuckled from behind me and I strained my neck to turn around and look at him, still smiling. “I heard that little giggle, little brother,” Freyne walked up on my other side, winking at me. I stuck my tongue out at him, right as Hunter leapt off a rock. I bit my tongue with a jolt, yelping as he stumbled over rocks and sticks, my stomach dropping every time we left the ground.

Not once did Hunter stop jogging, not until we arrived at a small clearing next to the lake. Hunter dropped down to his hands and knees and I exhaled shakily, still grinning as I moved to slide off him. My eyes widened as Hunter reached around, his hands grabbing my thighs and hoisting me higher up his back as he stood up again. I flushed at the feel of my groin rubbing against his back.

 _Shit_ , I realised, horrified, _this was an erection I wouldn’t be able to stop_.

I shook my head, pressing my cheek to Hunter’s as I squeezed my eyes shut. _Think of naked ladies… ew… but think of them!_

Hunter’s back straightened as he began running again, jolting me up and down on his back, not helping my cock at all. I bit my lower lip, blinking my eyes open as Hunter randomly spun around. I had to cling tighter, a soft squeal escaping my lips.

“Okay,” Hunter exhaled with a huff, squatting. “Okay, that’s enough of Pony Hunter, Hunter needs a break.” I rolled my eyes at his third-person speech. Hunter stood up straight, stretching his shoulders as he turned to look at me, grinning. “Did you enjoy that?”

I nodded shakily, not withdrawing from him, or breaking eye contact. I didn’t want my erection to grow anymore, but-- a rustle in the trees made me flinch, spinning around and stepping back. My back met Hunter’s chest, my hands squeezing into fists, which was a relief because it momentarily stopped the quivering – something which I gratefully hadn’t realised while on Hunter’s back. Hunter was hard against my back, frozen to the spot, and I knew why – the rustling hadn’t come from the direction our brothers were, which was a scary thought, since we were in the middle of nowhere.

I really wasn’t a fan of trees rustling in the middle of the night.

Hunter relaxed a little, his hand running up my arm to cup my shoulder. “It’s okay, probably just a cat.”

“Yeah.” I agreed, not feeling the reassurance in my stomach, but not wishing to look weak in front of Hunter.

“Hey!” Daiton’s voice echoed through the clearing. I jumped, snapping my head around to see the silhouettes of my brothers reach the clearing. “Hunter, slow down!” Daiton jumped from a rock, scowling at Hunter, but there was a flicker of humour in his eye. “We’re going to show him together!”

“Hey!” Daiton’s voice echoed through the clearing, making me jump almost ten feet high. I spun around to see the other ten of my brothers walking down the almost invisible path. “Hunter! We were going to show him together!”

“Hm?” Hunter glanced at him, and he smirked, “nah, I haven’t shown him anything yet.” He shook his head. “I was waiting for you guys.” He glanced over at trees, “but…”

“Did you guys hear that?” Berling demanded, glancing around, a frown on his face.

“Hear what?” Ike piped up, glancing out from behind Addison, who was also looking at the trees. His eyebrows rose into something I rarely saw on him. Worry.

“Nothing--” Almost as soon as Addison said it, all the small, cheap lanterns flickered off. A scream, not one of my brothers’, tore through the woods. My brows rose as I pressed hard against Hunter, my entire body tensing. Hunter’s hand touched my arm, soothing me, but he was tense because through the bushes, where the house lights had been flickering, was nothing but darkness.

“Guys,” I whispered, turning around to step toward the large group of my brothers, pulling Hunter along with me. “This isn’t funny.” I reached out for somebody and someone grabbed me, pulling me closer.

“It isn’t us, Lorie.” Freyne’s voice was in my ear, his arms tight around me. “It’s okay, though, probably just a black out.”  The reassurance in his voice did nothing for

“What about the scream?” I murmured, wrapping my arms around Freyne’s chest tightly. I felt someone come up behind me and rest a hand on my shoulder, a gentle, reassuring touch. I licked my lips, holding tighter to Freyne.

“What scream?” Daiton questioned, but I knew he only said it to make me feel better. It didn’t work. Acting like something never happened doesn’t mean it didn’t. It’s similar to how Bill acts like the ‘incident’ never happened, treats me like I wasn’t some fucked up person… but I was.

“Daiton,” Freyne growled, “that’s not helping.”

The hand lifted off of my shoulder and I was passed to somebody else. I wasn’t sure who Freyne released me to, but I went willingly, not in the mood or mind set to put up a fight. I had been having fun a mere minute ago, but now there was no comfort. Not even knowing the water was close by, a friend to help me if needed, seemed to calm my heart, and I knew the stupid shake would come back and somebody would surely notice this _time_.

Somebody helped me onto someone else’s back, and it wasn’t until my legs were wrapped tightly around their waist and my head was between their shoulder blades that I realised what had happened. Swallowing thickly, I gripped their shoulders, using the touch to still the shaking in my hands. I wasn’t sure which brother I was on, there was a one in eleven chance it was Kerrick, which meant my shaking hands wouldn’t matter much… but Kerrick didn’t often give piggy back rides.

I tried to dull the shaking by thinking about how safe I felt, with my brothers around me, knowing they – surely – wouldn’t let any harm come my way.

But it didn’t quell the fear bubbling in my stomach, and therefore it didn’t rid the shaking in my hands.

“Hello?” A voice, definitely not my brothers, called through the darkness. My eyes widened as I squeezed whoever was holding me, gripping tight. They hummed in the back of their throat, the noise vibrating their body and myself.

“Who’s there?” Berling growled, his voice unmistakable as it lashed out.

“Oh, my God.” Somebody spoke and the sound of rustling made me gasp, the noise closer this time. “Civilization?” I tightened my legs around my holder’s waist, hearing them utter a soft groan and, had the situation not frightened me as much as it did, it may have turned me on. Alas, it did not.

“Who’s there?” Addison repeated Berling’s words, and I saw a silhouette, shaped from the small amount of moonlight which passed through the branches above us, step away from our small group. I opened my mouth, wanting to draw him back, to bring him back to safety. I didn’t care that he was the oldest and felt like it was his responsibility to protect us. I wanted him here, safe and sound.

 “Um…” It was definitely a male voice. “Could you turn the lights back on or something?”

Whoever was holding me seemed to relax at the voice and I was slowly slid from their back. Licking my lips, I gripped their hand tightly, tugging them against me. I wasn’t comfortable being alone, not right now. I squeezed their hand, begging the shaking in mine to die down.

“Do you know who that is?” I whispered, my voice hoarse.

“No clue,” Elliott’s voice responded, his arm lifting to wrap tightly around my shoulders, pulling me against his side, locking me in place. “You’re safe, though. I promise we won’t let anything happen to you.”

“Who the fuck is out there?” Addison’s voice dropped, it was hard, steely, the voice he used when he expected an answer-- although, Addi always expected an answer. Elliott’s arms crushed me, but I didn’t object, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist.

“Sorry!” A high pitched voice, definitely a girl, spoke hastily. “This dipshit of a brother got us lost from camp--”

“Hey!” The ‘dipshit of a brother’ cried, but the girl carried on like she hadn’t heard a thing.

“—and I know this is awful timing, but we only got here when your lights switched off…” There was silence for a moment before her voice returned, almost unsteady. “I know it’s a coincidence, but please, we need help.”

“Huh,” Elliott muttered, his breath warm against my head. I held tighter.

Nobody said anything for a moment, and the silence made me squirm, worried about what was happening while we said nothing. Addison’s voice suddenly cut through the air, an edge of uncertainty to it.

“Where’s Loran?”

I bit my lip, not expecting to hear the worry in his voice, but savouring the sound of it and how it made me feel.

“He’s with me,” Elliott called, and the tall silhouette that I had identified as Addison walked toward us. Relief swept through me as he joined our group, no longer out in the dark by himself. His large palm ruffled my hair, his voice affectionate.

“Are you okay?”

I licked my lips, debating over truth or lie, but deciding on a nice, neutral, “mm.”

I moved to pull away from Elliott, but his arms tightened around me and Addison bent down beside me, pressing his mouth to my ear, his hand sliding from my hair, over my neck and down my back, stopping at the small of my back and this time, despite the dire situation, a swell of heat sprouted in my cock.

“Just stay with Elliott until we figure this out, all right?” Addison’s voice was soft, and I realised that there was a small part of him which was worried. I nodded jerkily, grabbing at Elliott’s shirt, my hands trembling uncontrollably and I _knew_ Elliott would feel it, there was no way he could miss it.

“Can you help us, or not?” The high-pitched voice jolted me back to attention, and Elliott twisted us in the direction of the voice, his arms still tight around me.

“Wait a minute,” Addison snapped, moving away from us, his voice softening, “Kerrick, where are you?”

Nobody answered for a moment, before Kerrick’s small voice lifted over our heads from behind me.

“I’m over here.”

“Come here,” Addison lifted his arm and a smaller man moved, huddling against his side. I watched as Addison leaned down, and Kerrick lifted his head. The silhouette’s touched and I was sure they were whispering to each other-- because what else could they be doing?

Once Addison pulled away, his voice was back to its hardness. “Fine, we’ll help you.”

“But just so we’re clear,” Berling snapped, “you’ve just ruined a birthday.”

“Not like it was important in the first place.” I mumbled, feeling my heart drop just a little. I unconsciously held Elliott tighter, angry at myself for feeling such disappointment over a simple birthday. They hardly meant anything--

“Hey,” Elliott’s voice was sharp in my ear. “Loran, it _is_ important.”

I resisted rolling my eyes. “Sure.”

“Loran,” Elliott pulled away from me, pushing me away from him so he could look down at me – not that I could see him, but I understood what he was aiming for. “You’re our little brother. _You_ are important to us.”

A lump rose in my throat, but I bit it down, trying my best to ignore him. Instead, to distract myself, I looked over my shoulder, squinting into the darkness, trying to identify anybody who wasn’t related to me.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Loran -**

Thankfully it didn’t take too long for the lights to flicker back on, and God, was it not a relief when they did. What wasn’t a relief, though, were the two strangers standing in front of us. I recall the girl saying they were siblings, but… they looked _nothing_ alike.

The girl, who appeared about my age, had long brown hair that hung in a low ponytail. Her brown eyes were narrowed, directed at the boy who was supposedly her brother, her hands resting on her hips - there was nothing about her that screamed rainbows and sunshine like her voice did. 

Her brother, who must have been a year or two older than her, had strawberry blonde hair, curled just a little - if not sticking up in random directions looking absolutely ridiculous… in saying that, though, it looked... it looked good on him. His eyes were made up of silver mist as the broadest grin split his face, his eyes crinkling as he winked at his sister who scowled in return.

He then turned his head, and my breath hitched in my throat at the sight of him face-on. He… he _wasn’t_ ugly.

He met my gaze, winking at me the way he did his sister, but where it looked teasing with her, it looked… oh, god.

“Uh,” Chester stepped forward, Graden by his side, wringing his hands nervously. Chester’s eyes were narrowed as he regarded the boy and girl carefully. “Who are you?”

The girl glanced at us, her eyes narrowed as she scanned us, head to toe. I bit the inside of my cheek at the obvious judgmental stare, not appreciating it at all. She cleared her throat, throwing a glance at her nails before jutting her hip to the side, tilting her head, forcing her ponytail to fall over one shoulder.

“I’m Alyssa,” her voice, still high and shrill. She appeared bored, though, as if there was something a lot more interesting she would rather be doing. Her voice and her appearance contradicted each other so much, though, that goose-bumps flew across my skin. She… she sounded so cheery and demanding of attention, but… she probably hated attention.

Elliott barely stifled a laugh, and his hands left my shoulders to press over his mouth. The girl, Alyssa, glared at him but rolled her eyes, instead poking her thumb over her shoulder at the boy, “and that douche is Alexander.”

Alexander? Oh, wow, even his name was gorgeous. He composed himself similarly to Graden, and shared similar characteristics with the fair hair and blue eyes. He was truly a sight to behold, and he was still looking at me. His eyes trained on mine, making my skin tingle. I swallowed, not able to look away, but… but I didn’t want to.

“Sorry about this,” Alyssa drawled, going back to her nails, “our camp isn’t that far from here. If you have a phone that we could borrow, it’d be greatly appreciated. Our mum has a phone on her.” Her eyes flickered to Alexander, who was still staring at me, heat in his eyes and… and nobody had ever looked at me like that before. I mean, there was the way Blake had looked at me, and now the way Alexander looked at me.

Like I was worthy enough to be stared at.

But, wow, Alexander’s stare was so… so intense. So--

“Hot,” the word fluttered from my mouth. I didn’t process my stupidity, didn’t identify how idiotic I was being in front of my brothers, who thought I was straight. Alyssa muttered something under her breath, turning on her heel and grabbing Alexander’s arm, giving him a rough jerk, but his eyes never left mine. Oh my--

“What?” Elliott’s voice was hard and it made me flinch. I blinked quickly, but didn’t avert my gaze.

“What?” I repeated, my cheeks warming as I realised what I said. “Oh, nothing.” I took a step toward Alexander, but Elliott’s hand locked down on my arm. I licked my lips, knowing I should turn to him and stop giving myself away, but holy shit, nobody had _ever_ looked at me like _that_.

It felt… it felt amazing. Up-lifting and beautiful, like I was truly worthy, a treasure. 

“Sure, nothing.” Elliott snorted, but it wasn’t an amused sound. He pulled me back toward him. “Why don’t you head back with the quads? Sound like a good idea?”

I frowned. No, that didn’t sound like a very good idea. I wanted to stay here and look at Alexander--

“Hey,” Elliott jerked my arm and my eyes widened, finally breaking the trance I’d had and turning to my older brother, my heart in my throat. Elliott’s eyes were narrowed, flickering between myself and the boy and I followed his gaze back to Alexander, instantly being drawn back into another intense stare. My teeth sank into my lower lip.

“I’ll stay, thanks.” Eye candy was the greatest thing.

“Loran,” Elliott stressed my name as it passed his lips, but I chose to ignore him. Never before, in my entire life, had somebody made me feel this way with a look. My brothers definitely were not capable of it, they were about as intense as a walrus. “Loran.”

“No,” a whine emitted from my throat and I mentally cursed, but otherwise didn’t worry about it. I missed the way Elliott rolled his eyes, turning his back to me, instead licking my lips as Alexander grinned. A feature that would look ridiculous on anybody else, but just made him look-- look--

He winked at me again and my breath caught in my throat.

He’d winked at me twice in the time of about two minutes. Nobody had ever done that before. My face grew hot as a weird sound, a lot like a giggle, escaped my lips. I cleared my throat as soon as it did, breaking eye contact once more as I cupped a hand over my face. _Shit_.

Jackson’s head snapped up, the movement catching my gaze and I lifted my eyes to him, watching as shock washed over his face. “Did you just--” I turned away quickly, returning my attention to Alexander. I don’t think I’d ever felt this physically attracted to anybody before, not since my brothers. Nobody else had been able to provoke this type of reaction from me… which didn’t mean I didn’t love my brothers, because they still made me melt in every way, crumbling at the smallest notion.

I just had never met anybody so… so _mesmerizing_. I didn’t even know this guy and yet heat was pooling in my stomach, making me want to hunch over and keen with desire – an action that scared me. This hadn’t happened before-- was it because I’d been deprived of love, of touch for such a long time that I was going for the first person who even slightly resembled my brothers?

Alexander’s hair was light, like some of my brothers. His cheekbones were high, like the majority of my brothers. His build was muscular but lithe, and that seemed to be what separated him from my brothers. He was body slight and strong, whereas with my brothers it seemed to be just one or the other.

“Loran?”

“Mm?” Part of me wanted to turn around and shout at my brothers for disrupting me. I also wanted to shout at them, to let them know that if they just loved me the way I loved them, than I wouldn’t be here trying to mentally get with someone completely different.

“You’re growing a boner.”

“Yep-- wait, what?!” I cried, snapping my head down to look at the front of my pants. Only flatness, nothing else. No  _boner_.

 _The asshole_.

“No, I’m not!” I snapped, looking over at Berling who was sharing a smirk with Daiton who stood beside him. God, what shit-heads.  

“What, are you gay?” Daiton snickered as Addison passed his phone to Alyssa. I scowled, crossing my arms over my chest, hoping that would be enough to guard my true feelings.

“No.” I prayed they couldn’t hear how rapid my heart was pounding in my chest, how desperately I wanted to cry, to claim that yes, yes I was fucking gay and I loved them all, why the fuck couldn’t they see that? But I bit my lip, keeping it all contained as I returned my attention to Alexander, but he was no longer looking at me, instead smiling gratefully at Graden as he offered a pack of food. Graden gestured in a direction, offering, what I assumed, was a way to get back to camp, and Alexander thanked him.

“Oh, my God.” Ike murmured and I turned back to observed him, tucking my hands in my pockets, digging them as far down as they would go as the quad raked me with a look I couldn’t decipher – delight, or horror…? “You are gay, aren’t you!?”

I flinched. “No!”

But the flinch had given it away, I was sure. Oh my fucking god, what the fuck was wrong with me? They couldn’t know I was gay. They’d throw me out! I was sure of it! And… and even worse… what if they figured out that they were the ‘reason’ for my transformation? I mean… if I didn’t live with them, surely I would be able to contain it and be the perfect straight son Bill so desperately craved, but I wasn’t, I couldn’t be. Shit. _Shit_ , I couldn’t let this happen. I _couldn’t_.

I internally winced as a hand cupped my shoulder, slowly dragging me back towards the house. My heart rattled against my ribcage uncomfortably and blood roared in my ears, deafening me for the moment and I managed to blearily question if this was the end for me.

“I think we can show you your present tomorrow,” Freyne’s hot breath was moist against my ear, and I had a feeling my legs would drop from beneath me, had Freyne’s hand not gripped my shoulder tightly, stabilising me. “This family needs to have a talk.”

“I second that,” Hunter’s voice made me snap my head around, catching sight of him grinning at me from where he stood between Jackson and Ike, Ike with his arm tightly wound around Kerrick’s shoulder, pulling him along as Jackson skipped along beside them.

Part of me wished to grin back, but just attempting to lift the corner of my lips made them wobble and I gave up. I felt that everything I had tried to build, my straight persona and the I-don’t-care attitude were crumbling down, without my consent and against my will.

It was messing up. I hadn’t even let slip that I was homosexual, but they had figured it out, read between the lines of my stupidity. I was so stupid, falling for those two silver eyes, only because of the way they looked at me. Nothing more than a look. God, I was pathetic.

“Come on,” someone pressed their chest to my back and my eyes flickered, but didn’t catch sight of whoever was behind me. Hands touched my waist and Freyne came to a stop in front of me, trapping me between their strong bodies. It was like a fantasy, except we weren’t naked, and they didn’t think of me in that way.

The hands on my hips tightened and I squeaked as I was lifted onto Freyne’s back – my brothers seemed to be making a habit of this, but I wasn’t about to complain. It was nice, being tucked up against them. Besides, I preferred this to them hooking me over their shoulder like I was a rag doll, tossing me about like I weighed no more than one when God knew I definitely wasn’t light. 

…In fact, they hadn’t treated me too much like a brat – like a lousy brother – since the ‘incident’ two years ago… they treated me like somebody worthy of their attention, somebody worthy of being in this family. Although, the signs were still there that they would prefer if I hadn’t been dumped here, but honestly, Bill called the ultimate shots in this family, we all knew it.

“Better hold on, Lorie,” Freyne warned me, but I didn’t pay him much attention… not until we were in the air. My eyes widened, and I grabbed at his shirt tightly, barely noticing my hands as they twisted into the material, my forehead digging in between his shoulder blades.

“Crap!” I croaked, my voice loud and my eyes squeezing shut. His arms lifted and we came to an abrupt halt before he dropped heavily to the ground. I yelped, my entire body jolting violently against his back. Freyne flashed me a grin over his shoulder and I caught it, wanting to return it, but not able to.

“Show off!” One of my brothers called, and Freyne chuckled, beginning his steady stride back towards the house.

“You’re just jealous that I’m more flexible than you.” Freyne shouted back and was rewarded with an eruption of shouts.

“Um, no, actually!” Somebody called, causing Freyne to chortle and a small, hesitant grin cracked its way onto my face.

“God, Freyne, you and I did the exact same classes, we’re the exact same!” That was definitely Elliott, but Freyne retaliated with a shake of his head, still chortling as he carried me toward the house, a nice beacon through the bush.

My grin strengthened, though, because these were the brothers I had grown up with, joking around and being dicks to each other in a teasing, cheeky way. _These_ were the brothers I loved, the ones I’d fallen so badly for.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Loran -**

The house greeted me with warmth, and I wanted to give myself in to sleep instantly, but my brothers had a different idea.

Kerrick, Elliott and Chester led me into the lounge room, Berling and Daiton moved to a different room – most definitely the bedroom that I definitely did not snoop in that was attached to the bathroom because what – and the rest of my brothers, except for Addison and Graden, who disappeared to who knows where, migrated in the kitchen.

Kerrick and Elliott sat me between them on the couch, Chester taking up residence on the love seat across the room, picking up a book from the floor, flicking it open to a random page. His eyes glazed over pretty quickly as he lost himself in the words, becoming so attached to the writing that I could quite possibly strip him bare and molest him, and he wouldn’t notice.

_But, it’s not like I was thinking of that..._

“Okay,” Addison stepped into the lounge room and I snapped my head up. I almost salivated, my eyes scanning his body, taking in his attire, with his tank top and boxer briefs. I bit into my lower lip, lifting my eyes to meet his, a soft smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “Do you four want to get changed, and then we can meet back here?”

I frowned. Get changed? Into what, exactly?

Kerrick shifted beside me, nodding as he stood up from beside me. Elliott grinned, his lips twitching like an idiot as he tossed a cushion toward Chester, who startled from his reading to snap a glare in Elliott’s direction.

“What?" He grumbled under his breath, closing the book with a snap as he stood up, tossing the novel onto the love seat behind him. He raised an eyebrow at Elliott, resting a hand on his shoulder.

“We’re getting changed now, bro.”

Chester rolled his eyes, poking his tongue out. “You couldn’t have just tapped my shoulder, jerk?”

“Jerk?” Elliott pressed a hand to his chest, feigning pain, “bitch that hurt.”

“Bitch? Fucker.”

Elliott snorted. “Pussy.”

Chester quirked an eyebrow. “Dickhead.”

“Guys.” Addison’s voice cut across their nonsense and I looked up to see him rubbing his temples in exasperation. He cut a glare at the both of them and Elliott snapped his mouth shut with an audible click as Chester stretched his arms above his head, cracking something with an exhale before following Elliott from the room, both calling a sullen, “sorry, Addison,” as they stepped into the hallway.

I had to bite my tongue from laughing at the two of them, being twenty-four and twenty-six yet acting like four and six year olds… it was a rare but pleasant experience, one that made me smile softly, with it came a small, pearly laugh, slipping past my defences, but making my heart lighten. I quickly coughed to cover it up.  

“Um, Addison--” Kerrick began, his voice soft, but Addison held a palm up, offering a sweet smile at him, making Kerrick’s cheeks tinge pink.

"Berling's already informed me, Kerr. Don't worry."

Kerrick grimaced at the words, but nodded in what I assumed was understanding, before scurrying off after Chester and Elliott. Which left me alone with Addison. I looked hard at the floor as I licked my lower lip, digging my hands into fists where they rested in my pockets as Addison stepped toward me, bending down and hooking a finger beneath my chin, lifting my head.

My breath hitched as my eyes met his and I had to wet my lips again as my throat suddenly went dry. I dug my finger nails into my palms, keeping myself steady as Addison rested his other hand on my head, brushing my hair away from my eyes.

I searched for my voice, managing a weak, “what are we changing into?” It came out as a squeak and Addison chuckled, pressing a chaste kiss to temple.

“Just boxers, maybe a tank top? Just normal pyjamas.”

…Right. _Normal_ pyjamas.

I gave a curt no, “kay.” Addison nodded back at me and I ducked beneath his arm, moving across the lounge room at a pace that didn’t scream anxiety. I walked past the large bedroom, the door open a crack, and told myself to keep walking, which I did.

Until I stopped and moved back, peering inside to see Berling, Daiton, Freyne and Ike standing around each other. Berling was resting his hand on Ike’s shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly as Freyne bit his fingernails, a habit Elliott had been trying to get out of him.

“According to Addison we’ve moved it to tonight,” Freyne’s voice barely reached my ears, but it did and I frowned. “Tonight, instead of tomorrow.” He bit his finger instead of his nail, yelping loudly. Daiton flashed a grin, a wicked look crossing his face.

“Nervous baby?” A twitch of a scowl crossed my face at the endearment. Daiton shrugged, flicking his hair. “I’m not.”

Ike rolled his eyes. “I wonder why? One of us-- sorry, two of us,” his eyes cut to Berling, “are content with our positions.” His eyes flickered to Freyne. “Two of us--”

“Ike, if you’re not comfortable, it’s okay to tell us?” Berling piped up, offering a glare at Daiton, who was smirking.

“I’m not…” Ike licked his lips, “I’m not uncomfortable, per se, I’m just…” He shrugged, cutting off for lack of better words.

“Hey,” Daiton raised his hands, “I’m only happy because of the nice, tight ass--”

Graden stepped out of the bathroom, cutting Daiton off with a glare. Daiton wiggled his eyebrows, winking the way Alexander winked at me and… and… what? What on earth was going on?

I flinched as Graden turned back toward the bathroom, stepping inside and slamming the door shut with a bang, his face in flames. The second it was shut, Berling scowled at Daiton, flipping him the bird.

“Good one,” he growled, turning to knock on the door.

Daiton scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Come on, he shouldn’t be nervous.” He shook his head. “If anybody should be nervous, shouldn’t it be you? Aren’t you doing it with--”

“--Loran!” Ike’s voice cut of Daiton, and I caught his eye as he stared at me. My eyes widened, suddenly feeling sick at being caught. I’d always been good at eavesdropping, what on earth happened?

“What?” Daiton stared at Ike before glancing over his shoulder to me. His eyes widened a fraction and he spun his entire body around, as did Berling, who had taken on a new shade of pale – a shade Berling didn’t match. “Oh, shit.”

I stood there, confused. I wanted to know what they were talking about. I wanted to know what had made Graden return to the bathroom in such a fuzz. I was suspicious, and I had a feeling it was connected to how the only main bedrooms I had found seemed to contain extremely large beds, but… I shook any thoughts related to that out of my head straight away.

I didn’t voice my thoughts, or think anymore as I spun on my heel, heading towards the staircase that would lead up to my… very _manly_ bedroom.

“Do you think he heard all of it?” One of them whispered, which was quickly cut down by one of them disagreeing, claiming that if I had, I would have had a more expressive reaction.

…but maybe I just didn’t understand? Did they of that? _Nope_.

I walked up the staircase slowly, taking the time to look around, stare at the photographs on the walls, the actual care taken into painting this house. The house on the beach had paint going in every directions and it was painfully obvious that it wasn’t professionally done... I assumed that as children my brothers and myself-- and my sister, of course-- drew on the walls, forcing Bill and mum to repaint. My brothers didn’t have that problem.

I headed into my bedroom, shutting the door gently behind me as I began stripping my shirt and jeans off. I unzipped my suitcase, pulling out a pair of boxer briefs and a tank top, kicking my shoes off before turning to look at the mirror again.

Addison said boxer briefs and a tank top would be okay… but, in all honesty, my body wasn’t ready for that kind of exposure. I wasn’t attractive. I wasn’t stunning like my brothers. I was bland, just… just me.

So, instead I’d stick to my normal pyjamas.

Reaching back into my suitcase, I replaced my boxer briefs and tank top with a different pair of sweat pants and a plain black shirt. I scurried through my suitcase again, pulling out my jacket, wanting to cover my shoulders and, if the need came and I felt all kinds of temptations down there, this would hopefully cover it.

_You hear that jacket? I'm putting my complete and utter trust in you. So don't fuck up._

I stared at myself in the mirror for a long moment, composing myself as I stared at my reflection. I didn't let my mind wander, I had to control myself. I had no clue what my brothers had planned for tonight. For my birthday. I know what I _wanted_ them to do but I didn't know what they would _actually_ do. I just had to be prepared for the worst, to keep myself composed through it all.

I only hesitated a little bit as I reached out, cupping my hand over the door handle, loving the imperceptible tremble but hating the anticipation. I slowly, ever so slowly, turned the brass circle.  _Just breathe, Loran, breathe_.

I didn't falter as I walked down the staircase and then down the ridiculously long hallway. I knew that if stopped or tripped or hesitated in any way I'd lose this confidence. I was barely clinging to it and if it managed to escape me I'd run back to my bedroom and not come out. So I kept my stride going strong. I stepped into the lounge room, finally, only to freeze at the gorgeously sexy sight assaulting my eyes.

There was a tub of ice-cream and a large chocolate swirl cake set out on the coffee table, streamers and balloons set out around the room in a not-so-orderly fashion but I wasn't going to complain. There was also a stack of DVDs on the floor next to the large plasma screen.

However, the thing that made it so gorgeously sexy were the ten people spread out across the room. Addison wasn't there, but I caught his presence as he stepped into the room, flicking the lights off around the house before entertaining the lounge room. Only two lights were on now, the one in the large bedroom down the hall, light streaming from beneath the door, and the light in here, glowing from the television.

I swallowed thickly as I looked around at my brothers. My heart pounded rapidly as I blinked at them all. 

Elliott was sitting on the ground, his arm lazily draped over Ike, a blanket across their legs as they leaned on the couch. I could see their rippling muscles that scattered up their chests, blooming from the blanket and up, along their chests and over their shoulders. The way they sat, their arms brushing each other gently, they just looked so… so gorgeous… so beautiful. 

Berling sat sprawled out across the couch, nothing but his dark red boxer briefs on. His dark hair swept across his face and my mouth went cotton dry. Squished between his feet and the arm rest was Chester, a book in his hands as he tucked his legs beneath himself. He was continuously looking over at Freyne and Graden, who were both pulling small talk from each other on a couple bean bags on the floor. Chester wore a blue tank top and white boxers, his legs crossed beneath him so hard thigh muscles bulged. 

It's not like I was surprised by the muscles my brothers had. I knew that they all went on daily jogs and while Berling, Daiton, Addison, Elliott and Chester went to the gym a lot, the others took place in yoga and Pilates. Kerrick had tried to get me to join them on several occasions but I just embarrassed myself.

The only activity I did was surf and although that kept me fit, I didn't have the muscle capacity or the same toned body as my brothers.

Freyne and Graden were both snuggled up quite, uh, cosily, for brothers. Freyne was spread out across two beanbags, while Graden was laying against him, his head on Freyne’s chest. Both of Freyne’s muscular arms were wrapped securely around Graden’s waist, while he nuzzled, yes,  _nuzzled_ , his head into Graden’s neck. Freyne was shirtless whilst Graden wore a pair of boxers and a white tank top.

On the love seat sat Jackson, Hunter and Kerrick, all squished together, a blanket was wrapped around Kerrick’s shoulders, and he was also squished between the other two. Kerrick was reading a book, his eyes scanning the words as he became lost in the new world. Hunter and Jackson were both shirtless and damn-it, those six-packs were making my legs tremble.

Daiton was sitting on the floor next to the couch near Berling’s head, one of his legs bent at the knee and pressed up to his chest, with his arm wrapped around it, while the other leg was pointed out straight, showing off his flexing leg muscles. He was watching Jackson and Hunter like a predator watches his prey, his eyes narrowed slightly as they laughed at something Kerrick had murmured. 

I was prepared to move to the only empty seat when a hand clamped down on my shoulder, making me stifle a scream as I spun around. Every single head turned to look at me then. My cheeks burned. 

"That doesn't look like boxers and a tank-top." Addison pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow at me. I gripped my jacket, pulling it around myself as the touch of his hand rocketed through my body.

"I'm cold," I defended stupidly, trying to shiver as if I were cold when I was actually shuddering from the touch. It seemed to burn straight through the jacket.

"Cold?" Berling's voice rose from the couch, “we have the heater on!"

“I’m still cold!”

“It doesn’t matter. Not really,” Addison sighed, sliding his hand from my shoulder to grip my arm. “Come over here and choose a movie. It’s your birthday, so you decide what we watch.”

I trudged along behind him, painfully aware of the eyes cast on me as I knelt down in front of the stack of movies. What if I chose something they hated? What if I chose something baby-ish to them?! I was seventeen for fuck sake, they were all twenty or something. I didn't know if they still had the same taste buds for movies as they had when we were younger.

A soft chuckle brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Addison grinning at me. "Stop beating yourself up about it. We're all children stuck inside adult bodies. Choose a movie and we'll stick with it, we honestly won't care. We obviously have these movies for a reason, Loran. We own them because we like them."

_He has a point._

_Shut up._

“Okay.” I nodded slowly, turning back to the stack of DVDs. I reached out to grab one, handing it to Addison who smiled at it.

“Typical Lorie, typical.”

I shrugged, moving to sit back against the love seat. I felt Hunter’s leg as it came down next to me, spreading warmth through my body. Warmth that was hard to ignore it and don't ask me how I did because I'll claim that I thought of naked women. 

It wasn't long until Addison had started up the movie and then ice-cream and whipped cream and bowls of chocolate cake were being passed around. I knew we were supposed to do the traditional Prince Family Birthday on the patio but it was dark now and I was comfortable in here, surrounded by the eleven young men that I loved. 

Once  _The Lion King_  had actually begun I think half of my brothers had discovered seventy different ways to annoyed each other with the cream. It was fascinating and yet I wanted to strangle them all with my spoon.

“Berling,” Daiton hissed at some point during the opening credits. “I swear to God, if you touch me with that cream, I’ll rip your fucking tongue out and feed it to-- Oh fuck no.” I didn't have to look over there to know that Berling had smeared whipped cream down Daiton's face. The mere gesture was enough to even make Jackson and Kerrick chuckle.

Freyne and Graden weren’t much better - at some point Graden had moved to the ground from the bean bags, but Freyne was still touching him somehow, whether it was the legs or arms. Graden had finished his bowl of unhealthy goodness almost the second he'd been given it and now it sat nicely  _away_  from the closest human-being. Freyne, on the other hand, hadn't been as considerate. His bowl sat beside Graden who happened to keep forgetting it was there and leaning on it. A moment ago he had completely forgotten its existence and leaned down only to come up with an earful of cream and pieces of cake. He'd almost screeched at Freyne then, speaking through gritted teeth as he calmly told him to move the bowl away or so help him-- Freyne had politely declined, claiming he wasn't finished eating.

In saying that, it wasn't until halfway through the movie that I finally caught on to some major distractions.

“For crying out loud, Daiton,” I heard Chester growl. “I’m not doing it until  _you_  do it.”

“I’m not doing it first,” Daiton snapped back, his remark instantaneous. I glanced over out the corner of my eye to see Chester turn back to the movie, his eyes rolling. Berling's head turned as he pressed his mouth to Addison's - who had settled himself down next to Daiton and in front of Berling - ear to whisper something. Addison replied with a shrug, not moving his gaze from the television as the movie continued to play out. I didn't want to be caught looking, though, so I quickly turned my attention back to the movie.

It didn’t happen again until the credits were about to roll up the screen.

“Elliott, I just got enough of this crap from Daiton. I _don’t know_!” Chester hissed. I looked over quickly to see Elliott pushing Ike over just a little to stare at Addison, almost defiantly.

"Addison," Elliott whined and even Daiton tore his gaze away from the television to eye Addison carefully.

"Oh for  _fuck_  sake." Berling snapped, his voice loud enough to gain the attention of everybody. "I'll just do it myself, you pussies."

My attention was fully drawn away from the television as Berling stood himself up, his feet slapping the floor as he strolled across the room toward  _me_. I didn't want to think it was me he was looking at so intently. I wanted to think it was Hunter, or Kerrick or Jackson. Not me. I half expected him to grab our bowls, maybe demand I help him with the dishes. 

I  _didn't_  expect him to lean down, his fist wrapping around the front of my jacket as he hauled me to my feet. My mouth dropped open as I stared at him, the transition between floor and air not quite hitting my brain.

"Whoa, Berling-- No! Not yet!" Someone was talking frantically in the background but then it all went silent as Berling pressed his lips to mine.

Sparks seemed to fly and I don't want to sound cheesy. My hands, so fine before, now trembled as they groped for anything to hold, anything to keep my legs straight and to keep my body off of the ground.

I thought I was dreaming, I honestly did.

The way his hands slid from my jacket to my waist, gripping me and pulling me against him. I gasped against his lips, feeling his tongue swipe my lower lip and I breathed him in. I breathed all of him in. This couldn't be happening. I gave a hearty groan as his hands slid to grab my backside, tugging me closer and my hands feebly gripped his biceps. My eyes slowly slid shut and I could only imagine this as a dream. A dream so real, so beautiful, so--

I snapped from my small fantasy the second Berling's bare hand made contact with my bare skin. I had covered myself so well and now his hand was down the back of my pants-- I jumped away. Or, tried to jump away. I ended up stumbling, our kiss breaking and no more contact connecting us. I fell with a oomph on top of Kerrick, who squeaked slightly, his hands gripping my waist tightly to stop me from falling.

I didn't pay them any attention, though. Whether that was because of the aching hard-on I had going on, or the way Berling was staring at me intently or the fact that I could  _still_  feel his rough hands sliding on my skin, my  _bare_  skin--

Something snapped in my brain and I blinked rapidly as it finally occurred to me that this was  _real life_.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Addison -**

“Berling.” The snarl escaped my lips as I stood up, rushing across the room to tear Berling back, to pull him _off_ our little brother. Berling’s hands pulled from Loran’s face, brushing along his lower lips gently. “What the fuck is wrong with you--”

“No,” Berling shook his head, grabbing my hands tightly, “no, Addison, he kissed me back.” The words seemed to get lost in the air, twisting and tumbling, brushing my ears, but not entering, not penetrating. I grabbed at the hand that clung to mine, pulling him away more.

"Berling!" I hissed, reaching up to grab his shoulders tightly when he leaned back in. I exhaled sharply, watching as Loran touched his own lips, his eyes wide. I glanced at Kerrick who caught my gaze, reaching forward to grip Loran, pulling him back. I could trust Kerrick… yes. I could trust him to keep Loran safe. With that in mind I turned my attention back to Berling, narrowing my eyes. "What the  _actual_  fuck? He's not  _ready_!"

"No," Berling blinked twice, his eyes pinned on my own as he finally turned away from Loran. "Addison, he  _kissed me back_." He sounded shocked but the look in his eye-- It was cocky. I wanted to slap him, or punch him, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Swallowing thickly, I forced myself to let him go, stepping away.

I didn’t have the time or the patience to deal with him right now, I had bigger issues. Turning around, I turned, catching sight of Loran, who had paled considerably, shaking like a leaf-- his hands trembled uncontrollably and I frowned, reaching for them, but Kerrick’s hands wrapped across them, squeezing. I lifted my gaze to catch Kerrick’s eye, not sure what I wanted to communicate, but knowing my heart shattered when I saw his own lips quivering.

I inhaled. "Lor--"

"N-No--"

My eyebrows rose to my hairline as I regarded my youngest brother carefully. "Pardon?" I reached out, brushing my fingers through his hair. He was sweaty, and our crowding probably wasn’t helping in anyway, especially with the anxious, desperate vibe we were giving off. It was safe to say we were no longer thinking of the movie that now rolled through its credits, our focus on something else entirely. Keeping my eyes on Loran, I watched as he struggled to gather words.

"Did--" Loran’s breath stuttered over his lips as he swallowed thickly, his eyes flickering to Kerrick who smiled encouragingly, his hands squeezing Loran’s. Loran licked his lips, diverting his gaze to his lap, searching for the right words. "Did Berling…” He inhaled sharply, “did Berling do that be-- because-- because he--" I frowned, sliding my hand down his arm to retract one of his hands from Kerrick’s hold, gripping tightly, feeling his fingers tremble against mine as he gripped back. His eyes searched mine, lost, scared. Frantic.

"Loran," I whispered, tugging on his hands to pull him up and away from Kerrick. Kerrick's hands dropped away from Loran as I pulled my gorgeous brother into my arms, encircling him in a tight embrace. I rested my chin against his head, breathing in the sweet and musky scent he always carried around.

"Loran-- I-- We--" I swallowed, wanting to look at the others for the comfort and strength we often shared with one another, but I couldn’t. This wasn't the plan, this wasn't how we were supposed to do it. "Loran…” I resisted the urge to chew on my lower lip, not wanting to encourage such an awful habit. I inhaled, forcing the words out before I could think them through, “we love you."

A weight seemed to lift from my shoulder, yet at the same time I felt that my breath was knocked from my lungs. Loran hiccupped, his trembling hand gripping mine tightly and I pulled him up, wrapping my arm around his shoulder, feeling the muscles there pull taut. He was rigid, and obviously holding his breath.

“Loran?” I whispered, rubbing at his shoulders, relieved when he let out a harsh exhale. I barely managed to supress my own shaking, but managed to do so, leaning down to hear his whispering.

“Addi… I…” his words were mumbled, brushing my ears, “I, um, I love you--”

I shook my head, squeezing his shoulder, pressing a chaste kiss to his temple. “No.” I exhaled slowly. “Loran, we _love_ you.”

“Yeah,” Loran squirmed, pulling back from my grip. “Addi, I--" Loran cleared his throat, sniffling. "I love you guys,  _too_.”

Oh… _oh_.

“You  _what_?” It wasn’t my voice that questioned him. It was the brunet behind me. Chester moved to stand beside me, his hand sliding down to grip Loran's chin, pulling his head around to look at him. Their eyes clashed, light blue and dark brown. Freyne stood just a little behind Chester, Elliott to one side and Graden to his other, nibbling on his thumb nail.

His own anxious habit.

Forcing myself to breathe, I stepped away, leaving Loran in Chester’s capable hands as I reached for Graden, tugging his hand from his mouth. Graden’s eyes lifted to mine, light and shimmering, and I did my best to smile reassuringly, not wanting to see him anxious or upset.

Around us, everyone stood, watching on. Daiton and Berling stood, should to shoulder, with Ike standing directly in front of them, his eyes flickering between Loran and the love seat, where Kerrick still sat, one hand latched onto Loran’s shaking one. My eyes narrowed in on that, watching as Loran seemed to will it to stop, but was too caught up in Chester’s gaze to truly force it.

"I--" Loran's small voice was a whisper as he shook his head, as if trying to rid a thought he did not appreciate in the slightest. “You… you know what I said.” His eyes cut to me. “You said it, too!”

"Yeah," Ike's voice, soft and sweet, drifted around the room, suspending like a heavy blanket, “but did you mean it?"

“Did  _you_  mean it?” Loran’s snapped back, his voice husky and his words suddenly slurring and like a light bulb, I understood. He was barely managing to hold back tears.

The thought made my chest ache and I crushed him in a hug, running my hands down his back until they rested at the top of his sweatpants. I held him tight, fighting to find the words, the _right_ words.

"Yes, Loran," I whispered, “we feel sick and revolting for it, but we _do_ love you and not in the brotherly way we’re supposed to."

Loran's snort turned into a sniffle as he slowly but surely unwrapped his arms from around my waist. He ran his sleeve along his nose, blinking up at me through unshed tears, his lashes glittered with tear drops as he ran his arm along his nose. My heart fluttered as he managed a smile, shaky and uncertain, but a smile nonetheless, swallowing as he dropped his head, staring hard at the floor. “I feel like an idiot.”

“Perhaps,” Elliott murmured, his voice reassuring as he pressed past Chester and myself, pulling Loran into his own hug. My eyes slid down his back, watching as Loran wrapped his arms around his waist tightly, clinging and holding tight, his trembling hands seeming to have eased… which I was both grateful for and curious about. Elliott pressed a chaste kiss to Loran’s head, “but you’re our idiot.”

Loran’s cheeks burned red as he buried his face against Elliott’s shoulder, inhaling heavily, to the extent his shoulders lifted and dropped. Elliott turned his cheek against his head, “how about we have a real birthday now?”

Loran made a noise that was indistinguishable, inaudible to our ears as his cheeks reddened more. Daiton rolled his eyes, leaning over to hook an arm around Ike’s waist, pulling him close, even though it appeared Ike would much rather be with Hunter, Jackson and Kerrick, but Daiton’s hold tightened.

“You’ll have to speak up, Lorie.” Daiton teased, his tone playful as he pressed an unhurried kiss to Ike’s cheek, who rolled his eyes but returned it quickly on Daiton’s mouth. Thankfully, Loran missed the exchange, lifting his face to peer up at Elliott before tilting his head to look toward Daiton, eyeing him carefully.

“Can’t we talk about this?” He murmured, his voice soft, “it’s not exactly normal.”

“Lorie,” Hunter reached for Kerrick’s hand while touching his other to Jackson’s shoulder, “this entire family isn’t normal, we established that many years ago.” I nodded my agreement, crossing my arms over my chest as Loran hesitantly pulled from Elliott’s hold, stepping away anxiously.

“Exactly,” Jackson piped up, grinning, his entire body shaking with anticipation and it took all of my self-control to not reach over and pull him into a smouldering kiss. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m feeling really needy.”

“Mm, I second that,” Freyne mused, glancing at Daiton who quirked an eyebrow. I had a suspicion that the two of them were swapping who they originally planned to be with, something about Daiton upsetting Graden earlier and our little brother no longer wanting to participate with him. Freyne had said he’d take Daiton’s place, so long as Chester helped him.

I now watched, licking my lips in a way that I knew was my body warning me that I was getting turned on, as Freyne hooked an arm around Graden’s waist, pulling the slighter man against him, while Chester took a subtle step towards them. Graden’s gaze flickered between the two of them, before I returned my attention to Loran, who had twisted his fists into his shirt, holding tight.

“Loran,” I spoke loud enough for my voice to penetrate whatever haze he was going into. His eyes instantly snapped up to mine and I tried to offer a calming smile. “This is up to you.”

Loran blinked. "What?"

I regarded him calmly. “You now know our dirty secret and we know yours. So, tell us this… are you willing to take this to another level?”

I was worried I was moving too fast, forcing him to ‘man up’ and take it, even though we’d only established our feelings a mere minute ago… but was it not Jackson who said it was always best to seal the deal with an act of physical intimacy?

I shrugged the thought off, watching Loran, watching the way his Adam’s apple bobbed with every swallow and his eyes flickered, dry now, but still shimmering. I was proud to think that he actually considering, but not making a rash decision. He was using his brain, he was going over what he wanted and what he didn’t, and that made my chest swell.

“Okay,” he finally managed, his voice small, “okay, but--”

"Don't worry," Berling moved forward and Elliott stepped back. I loved that. I loved how we all worked in sync. How we all could trust each other to move as one. It's one of the only things that made this bond so strong. Trust. "You're with me tonight. If you think we're going too fast, you tell me and I'll slow it right down. Okay?"

Loran looked at Berling, his blue eyes glistening as he stared up at the wide chest and large arms. His gaze travelled down, down across Berling's torso and stomach, down towards the boxers that were pulled far too tightly across Berling's growing erection.

Loran licked his lips, lifting his steady gaze to catch Berling’s eye, his inhale held us all on edge, but his exhale made us all melt inside. “Okay.”

One word.

One simple word and our entire world seemed more perfect than before. Somehow we managed to manoeuvre ourselves into the large bedroom down the corridor. We had created this room especially for this need. A large bed that could fit all eleve-- twelve of us, a bathroom attached and a chest of equipment needed to meet each of our needs. It still smelled musky and damp from this morning's session before Loran had arrived.

A session that had begun with Jackson and his mouth around my cock, his way of saying ‘good morning.’ It had gone south, literally, from there.

Now I held a writhing Kerrick beneath me, one of my hands between his legs while the other played with his nipple beneath his shirt. I was desperate to pull his boxers down but I knew Kerrick well enough to know that he wouldn't appreciate the gesture, not when we’d only acquainted this room five minutes ago. Kerrick had never been one to like to rush of sex, he preferred to keep it slow and simple, sweet and tender. I pressed my lips to his neck, nibbling along his collarbone and then up to his jaw. I worked my hands and mouth along his skin and body to draw the slow, soft moans that he so prettily uttered when pleasure took its course.

In the far corner, between the bathroom door and the bed, stood Graden. He was already shirtless, boxers down to his knees and his cock swollen and leaking. Freyne pressed up against him, chest to chest, running his fingers along Graden's waist and thighs. Chester held Graden's wrists, hiking them up above their heads with one hand, while the other held Graden's chin, titling his head around to kiss him, strong and passionate. Graden shook between the two of them, his eyes wide and his lips parted, everything seemed to be… wet. His eyes, wide enough for me to see the conflict in them, unsure as to whether he shoulder buck forward against Freyne's body or press back against Chester, flickered toward me, and I caught them.

I held his gaze as I bit particularly hard against Kerrick’s neck, causing him to groan and buck upward against me. I pressed my palm to his hip, holding him down as I did it again, still holding Kerrick’s hips, and he made a noise I couldn’t decipher, but I knew it was a good one and I drew it back by biting again. I’d accomplished two things, making Kerrick squirm and distracting Graden enough so that when Freyne slid to his knees in front of him, his eyes nearly rolled backward.

Graden choked as Freyne took him into his mouth, his eyes widening as he snapped his head down to look at Freyne’s head. Chester tugged on his wrists while the other hand dropped from his chin, sliding along his chest to tweak a nipple. Graden's legs shook and he moaned, his head dropping forward as his entire body quivered and I loved it, loved watching Graden let loose – there was something intoxicating about it.

I managed to drag my gaze away, my fingers working along Kerrick's body as his hands reached up to grip my arms. I smirked down at him, leaning forward to press my lips to his, inhaling his taste and his smell, never wanting to be without it.

A soft gasp to my left had me glancing over at Hunter as he wiggled his eyebrows at Jackson. Jackson was grinning at him while his back was pressed up against Ike's. Both sweaty, both clinging. Ike had reached back at one point, his hand clinging to Jackson's as Elliott laid on his stomach, his mouth covering the insides of Ike's thighs before trailing in to the more intimate space. Daiton straddled Elliott's back, leaning forward to press his lips against Ike's nipples. Ike was gasping and moaning, matching Jackson as he tossed his head back against Jackson's shoulder. 

Hunter pressed himself up against Jackson, his mouth attacking his younger quads and pulling him into a desperate kiss as hands trailed stomachs and chests and arms. Jackson and Ike both looked to be in bliss as Daiton crawled off of Elliott's back to move around to sit behind Hunter. Hunter broke the kiss to look over his shoulder while Elliott sat up, pulling Ike against him. Ike moaned, his forehead pressing to Elliott's shoulder as their hips rubbed against each other. It was always a struggle for Ike to control himself beneath the friction that Elliott was offering. 

With Daiton pressing rough kisses to Hunter's back and Hunter pressing chaste kisses to Jackson's chest and Elliott hiking Ike up against him, their bodies folding together as Ike let out a hoarse scream, gripping Elliott's biceps tightly, the air had grown dense what with everybody breathing so hard. 

"Nng, A--Addiso--" Kerrick's soft voice pulled me back to him. A moan slipping past his lips as I teasingly pulled at the elastic around his boxers. Kerrick shuddered, his cheeks wet and his lips parted while he stared at me. 

I grinned at him, licking my lips. "I'm going to take care of you, beautiful."

Kerrick swallowed at the name, blinking at me as I moved to lean down, our lips barely brushing before a new voice made my back tense and my spine straighten.

“Mm--nng.”

I tore my attention away from Kerrick, straining my neck to see Berling kneeling on the ground in front of Loran. Loran was gazing at him, his hands, no longer visibly trembling, held tight around Berling's hair as Berling nuzzled him through his pants. Loran's mouth was open as he panted, his fingers clenching in Berling's hair. 

Loran's eyes were hooded as Berling slowly lifted his hand, tugging against the elastic of Loran's sweat pants, pulling them down just a little. Teasing Loran the same way I did Kerrick.

I turned back to Kerrick, seeing his eyes on me. I offered him a small smile as I dipped my head down, pressing my lips to his. No tongue, just lips, just the sweet and tangy taste of lips. My hands ran along his stomach and Kerrick sucked in a deep breath, his eyes searching mine as I hooked a thumb around the elastic of his boxers. 

I pulled them down then, slowly but efficiently and Kerrick's legs lifted up, clamping on either side of my waist. He stopped me from pulling his boxers down any further and I just smiled at him. 

"I'm going to take care of you," I assure him, once more. Kerrick blinked at me, my mute brother not uttering anything, not even a moan, as he slowly lowered his legs again, allowing me to slide his boxers off and leave his cock free, pressing against our stomachs. "You're so precious, Kerrie."

A soft blush began up Kerrick's neck and he looked away, his eyes moving over to the corner where Berling and Loran were. I followed his gaze, watching as Berling slowly slid Loran's sweat pants down, the boxers staying in place. Loran looked tense, scared almost. I trust Berling, though, to look after him, to meet his needs. 

This was Loran's first time and Berling was good at first times. I trusted him to look after our baby brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the shitty attempt at intimacy, I'll return when the series is finished to re-edit it :)


	19. Chapter Nineteen - Part A

**Loran -**

I could barely breathe as Berling's hands ran along my body, igniting something inside me with every touch. He burned my skin through my shirt, my lips quivering as my fingers raked through his hair, tugging on it sharply. He had begun by kissing me, his tongue brushing my lips before moving to my jaw. His lips had nibbled their way down my neck, over my collarbone and down, down, down, before coming to an unwanted halt.

"You're adorable, Lorie." Berling's gruff voice came out softly as he had knelt in front of me, pressing his mouth to my belly button that was still covered by my shirt. My jaw clenched as he grinned up at me, nuzzling my growing erection. I had felt eyes on me, barely seeing Addison and Kerrick looking over at us as Berling began drawing my pants down. I was relieved that he left my boxers as they were, but I couldn't help but be scared at the same time. 

I had never done this before. Not with anybody.

Despite my inner fear, though, my body obviously thought differently, as my hands had stopped shaking, instead returning to their imperceptible quiver and I was ever-so thankful for my body knowing what to do for once in my life.

My breath hitched as Berling lifted his head so his hands could play with the hem of my shirt, sliding it up just a little. I sucked my breath in as his fingers skimmed my bare skin, his nose brushing against my abdomen. My hands gripped his hair, trying to pull him back. I didn't care where he went, just  _not_  my stomach.  _Please_.

Berling glanced up at me, his eyes narrowed in confusion. I bit my lip, shaking my head as I tugged harder on his hair, blinking rapidly as he slowly stood up, his fingers reaching for my face, holding my cheeks in his palms so he could search my face, his eyes flickering with care. His body pressed against mine, moulding my back against the wall behind me, his hips pressing against mine. A noise caught in my throat, an embarrassing moan desperate to slip free. I could feel Berling’s heat through the thin fabric of our boxer briefs and… and holy hell, what it was doing to me.  

Berling caressed my cheek, his touch gentle and I peered up at him, blinking through blearily eyes. He smiled, an actual genuine smile, his hand sliding from my face to the back of my neck, holding steady as his eyes met mine. “Lorie, I know that look.” He pressed our foreheads together and suddenly fearful of the shaking in my hands, I tucked them behind my back, squeezing them together. “I’ve seen it in girls.”

I opened my mouth to question him, but he pulled me away from the wall, his muscles momentarily stunning me as I was swiftly manoeuvred to the bed, the back of my knees hitting the mattress, forcing me backward. Not even a second later Berling was climbing on top of me, sliding to nestle between my legs.

I lifted my head, watching the grin that transformed his smile into something a little more Berling. His hands, large and experienced, made quick work of my boxers, sliding them down my thighs and tossing them from the bed before my brain caught up with what he was doing… but then I did and with a gasp I reached for them, but Berling grabbed my wrists, pinning them to my stomach. I swallowed thickly as he leaned forward, his breath hot against my lips.

“You’re beautiful, Loran,” his words were spoken with a passion that I adored and half didn’t believe. I never thought I would ever be able to find this kind of love in my brothers, I was so certain I’d grow up alone, and never have the power to reach for somebody else.

My attention flickered back to Berling as he shuffled back, a moan jerking from my lips as his lips descended around my cock. Berling smirked, giving a firm suck that shook my entire body before popping his lips off of me and pulling away. I stifled a groan as he sat up and shifted forward, his thigh brushing my hardened erection. Something akin to a choke escaped my lips and I flushed, but Berling’s smirk deepened as he did it again.

I opened my mouth to say something coherent, but couldn’t manage a sound except for soft huffs. With a strangled cry I bit into my lower lip, squeezing my eyes shut as Berling gripped the hem of my shirt, hiking it up. For a solid year, I had done my utmost best to not allow my brothers to see me shirtless, and here we were, a room full of my brothers, and my shirt forcibly being taken from me.

And yet, I had no complaint upon my tongue.

My brothers were gorgeous, their heated stares, their devotion to each other… it all made my stomach coil with heat. I was too aware of their attention on me now, watching as Berling prepared to deflower me, and I was just laying here, allowing all of my secrets to be unravelled without even a fight.

God, I was pathetic.

The thought flickered through my head so quickly I gasped, my eyes flickering open as Berling leaned forward, his tongue brushing up my bare stomach, his large hands on my thighs, lifting my legs to wrap around his waist, forcing our hips against each other.

“Oh--” words escaped me as Berling leaned forward, bracketing his arms on either side of my head, leaving a long, wet patch on my stomach, and my hips in the air, pressed erotically to his. Swallowing thickly, I met his eye.

“You’re beautiful, Lorie.” His words, sweet and calming, were accentuated by his tongue on my lips and then in my mouth, his mouth moving against mine, begging… or, maybe I was begging.

With a moan, I slid my hands up his back, a soft smile tugging at my lips when I noticed they weren’t shaking. I played with the small hairs at his neck, gripping and tugging as his teeth flashed white against my teeth, biting into my lower lip. A sound I couldn’t identify escaped my lips, and with it came a burst of energy, my hips pressing upward as I tightened my legs around his waist, basically rutting against him. I wasn’t ashamed, either, not as Berling released his own stifled groan, his lips falling from mine, his mouth landing next to my ear.

His heavy breathing was a huge turn on and I didn’t think I could harden any more than my current state, but my cock was willing to prove me wrong, and merely rutting against Berling was doing _nothing_.

“Be-Berling,” I managed, my hands sliding to his shoulders, squeezing, hoping to get my message across. I could only hope I was successful as an animalistic sound escaped Berling’s lips and he pulled back, pulling me from the bed, spinning me around and pinning me down, chest first, my ass in the air. My eyes widened, my hands grabbing at the blankets beneath me, my knuckles whitening as Berling tore my boxers down.

Wait, wait, wait, no, this wasn’t what I meant--

“I’m not entering you,” Berling reassured, his hot mouth pressing to my ear as he leaned over me. His large palms held my bare hips and I was suddenly acutely aware of how naked I was. “Relax, baby,” His bare chest pressed to my back and my brain short-circuited, my jaw dropping as his cock, hot and large, slid along my ass before sliding between my thighs, “relax.”

“I--”

“Don’t talk,” Berling whispered, his hips sliding backward before pressing forward and it felt… it felt amazing. Oh, God, no words could describe the heat that was bubbling inside of me as Berling continued to slow, rhythmic pulse of his hips.

Shit, shit, shit, if he kept this up, I’d--

A moan that wasn’t mine caught my attention and I lifted my head, knowing how hot my face was, the sweat dripping down my cheeks and over my chin. My eyes snapped to the corner where Chester, Freyne and Graden stood, Graden being the one who had moaned.

Chester had his back to the wall, Graden sitting upon his lap, his knees spread and his head hung back against Chester’s shoulder. His mouth was open as his head tossed from side to side, soft moans and whispers slipping past his defences and I was shocked. Never before had I seen Graden in this state. One of his hands was twisted in Freyne’s hair, who knelt in front of Graden, bent forward with his mouth sucking at Graden’s own cock.

“Ca-can you,” Graden’s words, barely audible, somehow fluttered over to me, and I strained my ears to hear more, but I couldn’t. He looked close to losing it, though, his fingers tearing at Freyne’s hair, pulling strands. Chester appeared to be doing his best to soothe the notion, his hand on Graden’s stomach, massaging slowly and gently.

My mind wheeled as Berling’s hand suddenly wrapped around my cock, tight and strong, pumping slow and steady, matching his thrusts. I turned away from the threesome in the corner, my throat seeming to close over as I bucked my hips fiercely, suddenly feeling so, so close to the edge. I didn’t want to, though, not yet--

"Wa-wait, Ber-Berling--" What was supposed to be a reprimand was a whisper, a whisper of need. I mentally scolded myself, my hands twisting into the blanket, my hips bucking unwillingly because dammit, I’d been waiting for such a long time for this to happen and my stupid mind wasn’t fucking this up like it did everything else.

As if on cue, with my teeth in my lip, a blast of white blinded me and heat coursed through my body, forcing my toes to unconsciously curl, my legs straightening out and my hips sliding forward in pure bliss. How did people do this daily? This pleasure was a tragedy, slowly pulling me apart, emotion by emotion. My release was bigger than any other I’d had, and… wow. What I would give to have one that powerful every time.

"Ber-- nngh--" A hiccup escaped me, and I clutched the blanket beneath me, fighting to catch my breath as I tried to not blush in embarrassment. Somebody whined off to the side and I tilted my head to catch sight of Ike, a sweating mess as he pressed his body flush to Elliott’s, who was rolling his hips up against the quad. Ike cried out, his fingers digging into Elliott’s arms, and behind him, back to back, was Jackson, who was being treated in a similar manner, except by Daiton. I frowned, watching the angle of their hips, the way they moved, the reactions--

I coughed, feeling my neck begin to burn as I realized exactly what was happening. Why Hunter was sitting beside them, his legs spread with his palm wrapped tightly around his hard cock while he watched Elliott and Daiton moving in sync. Hunter’s eyes were flickering, catching every movement as both Ike and Jackson were taken, brought to their absolute pleasure. It must have been arousing for him… hell, it was arousing for  _me_. 

“You’re very hot when you come, ya know.” Berling whispered in my ear and I croaked a weak chuckle, pushing myself up on shaky arms and turning around clumsily, dragging the blanket beneath me up and over my lap, hiding myself as much as I could. Berling’s eyes flickered over my body and I bit the inside of my cheek, holding his gaze before turning away, instead trying to find Kerrick.

I found him crying. My stomach clenched as I blinked at him, the tears streaming down his face only becoming faster but no words escaped him. In fact, his mouth was open as if he wanted to scream but _nothing_ came from his vocal box. I was confused. Maybe it was because I had never witnessed anything like this before, but all I knew was that Kerrick crying made me want to cry. 

"It's okay," Berling spoke softly - something so strange for him. He nodded, gesturing. "Look at Addison." I followed his advice, my eyes sliding down to watch Addison as he moved carefully, his hips sliding slowly and confidently as his hips roll at a steady pace, back and forth, up and down, forward and backward.

I frowned, "but that's so different to Elliott and Ike and Daiton and Jacks--"

"Some people prefer it rough." Berling spoke pointedly, carefully, choosing his words. I turned back to him as he crawled onto the bed, sitting in front of me, his erection poking out for the world to see. I licked my lips, eyeing him. 

"You're not doing that to me, right?" My voice was clipped and I mentally cringed as I regarded him. Berling watched me for a moment, meeting my gaze steady on. Neither of us seemed to move the slightest.

Finally, he exhaled. “If you don’t want me to, I won’t.”

My eyebrows jumped a fraction before I hurriedly shook my head, wishing to backtrack. “It’s not that I don’t want… want _that_ , but--” My words came to a sharp halt as Berling touched my cheek, a soft touch that sent sparks down my spine. I licked my lips, staring up at him.

“Hush,” Berling’s voice was quiet, “it’s okay, I know what you mean.” His words reassured me, and I noticed he was taking overly large breaths to keep my breathing even with the same pattern. After inhaling and exhaling a couple of times, calming my heart, I nodded, reaching up to scrub at my eyes – just to be sure there was no moisture. Once I was composed, I glanced down at his incredibly abled body, licking my lips as he pushed himself from the bed, standing in front of me, naked and fully erect.

“Do you need me--?” I bit into my lower lip, my eyes flickering between his face and his cock, hoping he’d get the message. Berling offered me a smile, one that had nothing but teeth and made my stomach feel weird.

“No, Lorie.” His finger touched my nose and I pulled a face. “It’s all good.”

I frowned, pulling from his touch. “Are you sure? Because I can--”

Berling dropped his hands to take mine and I tried to quell any fear bubbling within me when I realised they were beginning to shake. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. It had been so good, I’d been distracted, beautifully distracted, and they had settled right down, but now-- now-- I think I’m going to vomit.

Berling squeezed my hand in his. “Loran, you look sick,” be lifted my hand as the tremors began, kissing my knuckles with tender lips. “Why don’t you just relax?” He pointed to a corner, obviously making an implication. “There’s a chair over there, and it’s incredibly comfortable.” He squeezed my hand harder and something flashed across his face before it disappeared, unidentified. “This must all be a bit shocking, it’s okay.” 

Ignoring the tremor as it began to worsen, I stumbled to the chair, Berling’s arm a welcomed support around my waist. I settled myself down, gratefully dragging the blanket Berling offered over my legs and torso before curling into it, holding tight and biting my lower lip, my eyes darting around the room.

There was so much to look at, so much to see. It was like watching a movie, only bigger and so, so much better.  

Berling disappeared, but it didn’t bother me in the least as my eyes were transfixed on Chester, who was still leaning against the wall, only this time Graden was facing him, sitting atop him and clinging to his shoulders, his entire body shaking. Behind him, Freyne knelt, able to slowly piston his hips in and out from Graden, causing the younger man to moan prettily, sweat drenching his body and giving him a glow that made him look irresistible. However, something appeared wrong-- very wrong.  Chester was smothering kisses all over his face, and I realised with a heavy heart that Graden was blinking back tears. Chester appeared to be whispering sweet nothings, but I couldn’t be sure they were working.

Dragging my attention away, I looked across the room to where Elliott and Ike were, Elliott on his back with Ike straddling him, sliding himself up and down Elliott’s shaft. Elliott’s lips were moving, something that appeared encouraging, and Ike was murmuring something back, his face screwed up in concentration as he angled his body.

Daiton, Hunter and Jackson no longer occupied the bed, having moved to a different wall. Hunter was pinning Jackson up while Daiton sat back, leaning against the bed while fisting his cock, licking his lips as his eyes roved over the two quads. Jackson and Hunter were huffing and puffing, and damn, it was oddly arousing. Jackson’s legs were tightly wound around Hunter’s waist, pulling him closer with each thrust upward.

“Oh, yes, come on baby,” Jackson’s voice, hoarse and raw but loud enough to carry through the room. “You know where I like it, you know exactly where I--ffng.” Jackson cut off with a gasp, his teeth sinking into Hunter’s should as Hunter seemed to ram him hard against the wall. I watched in awe as Jackson’s eyes rolled, almost into the back of his head, and he made an incoherent sound that drew out into a groan. “Fu-fuck, yes, yes, _yes_ , baby, right there. _Right there_.”

It was… it was…

“Come on, Hunt,” Daiton’s voice as he spread his legs, using both his hands to cup himself now, “stop treating him like a queen and give him the fucking he deserves.”

Jackson’s eyes widened at his words, while Hunter grunted a response, sliding from the wall and dropping Jackson’s legs to the floor, causing the younger quad to pull a face.

“Um, shit, maybe we shouldn’t--” The words caught in Jackson’s throat, never managing to escape entirely as Hunter spun him around, whispers of an apology on his tongue as he rammed into Jackson from behind, causing the younger to cry out, loud and sharp.

“You have a word, Jack,” I barely heard Hunter’s voice, “you know I’ll stop if you use it.”

Jackson shook his head though and Hunter exhaled quickly before biting into Jackson’s shoulder and thrusting hard and aggressive into Jackson, again and again and again. I bit hard into my tongue, watching the movements, not sure how I felt, not sure if I wanted to turn away or continue watching. At first I didn’t. It was scary. I didn’t want that. I would never want that… but I could see Jackson melting into it, beginning to moan soft and prettily like Graden, moving back to meet Hunter’s strong thrusts, rutting hard against the wall in front.

It didn’t take long for Daiton to stand up and push himself between the wall and Jackson, snatching Jackson’s mouth into his own, his hands taking tight hold of the quads to keep him in place as Hunter continued to unrelenting swing.

It was easy to become lost in their movements, though. Jackson murmured something soft eventually and Hunter slowed – not stopping completely, but slowed enough for Jackson to gather air into his lungs properly, his eyes filled with tears and my heart clenched in my chest, pounding angrily against my ribcage.

“You’re so good, baby,” Daiton’s voice murmured, a tone I’d not heard… not in a long time. “We love you so much.”

“So much,” Hunter agreed, finally come to a very slow rhythm that Daiton met, pressing his hips against Jackson’s, rubbing their cocks together slow and sensually. It was funny to watch, but I bit my lip, refusing to voice anything.

“Kerrick,” Addison’s voice snapped my attention away from the three of them and instead I glanced over to see Addison leaning against the headboard, Kerrick bouncing in his lap, his face screwed up in pain, “you need to relax.” Addison’s words, normally calming, seemed to have the opposite effect on Loran and for a brief moment I feared he would cry, but then he did something I never expected.

He snarled.

Kerrick  _never_  snarled.

"Coming from  _you?_ " The youngest quad, my immediate older brother, hissed. "You can't talk. You're  _always_  topping."

"Come on, Kerr." Addison shook his head, his hands slipping down Kerrick's sweaty back to pull him closer so he could slide into him easier. Kerrick resisted for a moment before complying, his face still screwed up, but even gritted teeth couldn’t withhold Kerrick’s groan as he squeezed his eyes shut, wrapping his arms around Addison’s neck tightly. “I can’t be that bad.”

 Kerrick shook his head, burying his face into Addison’s chest with a soft sound. “You’re just rough sometimes and--” he was interrupted by Berling leaving the bathroom, closing the door with a soft click behind him. Addison lifted his head to meet Berling’s eye as the second oldest crawled onto the bed, moving to whisper something.

I wasn’t sure what it was, but Addison glanced toward me, our eyes meeting for a brief, awkward second, before he returned his attention to Berling, nodding his head in acknowledgement. He whispered something to Kerrick then, who flinched and drew away instantly. The movement seemed to catch the attention of Hunter, Jackson and Ike, who all simultaneously snapped their heads over, despite being currently occupied, but they were swiftly drawn back into what they were doing and Addison touched a hand to Kerrick’s cheek, helping Berling to lift Kerrick from his lap.

Kerrick opened his mouth, almost in a way that said he wanted to protest, but then Berling kissed him sound on the mouth, and Kerrick melted against him.

Addison, on the other hand, slid off of the bed and walked toward me, fully naked. When he stopped in front of me, I swallowed, not daring to meet his gaze until he bent and hooked a finger beneath my chin, forcing our eyes to meet. I wasn’t prepared when he slid his arms beneath my legs and shoulders, hoisting me into his arms, blanket and all.

I chewed the inside of my cheek as I held his eye, knowing the heat that simmered, but not prepared to give what it took to dive in. I wasn’t prepared.

"I'm not ready, Addison." The words were soft, barely audible as they left my lips, but Addison nodded in understanding.

“That’s okay.” He pressed a chaste kiss to my temple, “Kerrick waited until his twentieth birthday. You know that wasn’t too long ago,” Addison pulled back to look into my eyes and I suddenly felt so full, so content. “We'll wait for you.” He reassured, “no matter how long it takes."

Twisting my quivering fists into the blanket, I managed only a single word of disbelief. “Really?”

Addison rolled his eyes. “Of course.” He smirked, “Graden was also hesitant at first. We waited for them, we can wait for you.”

“I just-- I feel weak.”

“That’s because you’re the youngest of eleven brothers.” He pointed out gently, moving to lean sit upon the bed, holding me in his arms like I was a baby but for once I had no objections. The hold was making me feel tired, my eyes already beginning to drop, and I realised what an exhausting day it had been. I deserved to be tired. “If you didn’t feel weak, you’d be a weird kid.”

Yawning, I made an attempt to roll my eyes, but it failed miserably and I ended up shutting them instead. “I’m not a kid, Addi.” It seemed rather stupid to point out, but I shrugged it off. “I’m nearly eighteen.”

Addison scoffed. “You  _just_  turned seventeen, you’re not  _nearly_  anything.”

I huffed, not bothering to respond. Sleep was desperate to pull me under, to take me as its own but I knew that it would difficult to actually go to sleep with my brothers having sex in the same room.

Addison had different views, though. "Go to sleep, Lorie." He moved to lay me across the bed, as if I really were a child, even going as far as to slide the blanket over me properly. I kept my fists twisted into it, though, still not prepared for them to see the quiver, for them to see that I was still so royally fucked up. Addison exhaled softly against my face, his breath warm, comforting. “It’s been a huge day,” which was true, “you must be exhausted.”

Which was also true.

Finally, sleep seemed to take its toll, and nothing but Jackson’s soft whimpers and Kerrick’s huffs and pants lulled me into the sleep. Of course, there was the gentle harmony of Ike’s teeth grinding together and Graden’s soft mewls, but I think perhaps it was the atmosphere-- knowing my brothers were there with me. Knowing that if, God forbid, I had a nightmare, it would be okay.

Knowing that it would be different now… that it would be better.

 


	20. Chapter Nineteen - Part B

**Graden -**

I felt twitchy as Chester filled me to the brim, only to swap with Freyne once he’d reached his climax. It was such an un-Chester thing to do that I had been surprised, shocked, and not ready for the intrusion again, especially from Freyne, of all people.

But, alas, it had happened, and now I was groaning, salivating mess all over again, tears in my eyes from the intensity, my skin hot, my heart pounding, everything spinning, a flame building with him-- Freyne’s lips touched my back, igniting something within me and my entire body shook as I grasped Chester’s shoulders, my entire body quivering with need.

“Gray,” Freyne breathed into my ear, his breath moist, “you’re gorgeous,” gorgeous, a term of endearment, meant to make me happy, meant to turn me on, “God, I love your hips,” his hands ran along my hips, “your thighs,” his fingers slid around my thighs, “everything about you,” he accentuates that with a hard thrust that pressed me against Chester.

Why was I always the gorgeous one?

“He’s right, you know,” Chester’s teeth flashed white before biting into my lip and I groaned, loving the hands on me, loving me the mouths on me, loving the cock _in_ me. “You’re our gorgeous boy.” It was meant to turn me on, I think… and it’s not that it didn’t! I just… wanted to hear something other than gorgeous or beautiful.

Was I hot? Was I sexy? Everybody else always seemed to be a mix of everything, but I was always gorgeous.

“No lube and look at the way you take him,” Chester spoke against my lips, his fingers tweaking my nipples, causing me to arch and mewl because I loved it. It made me squirm, and maybe sometimes it made me uncomfortable, but I loved it and I couldn’t deny it. “You’re so good, so good for us.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I opted for keeping my mouth shut. A moan, low and needy, escaped when Freyne slid into me hard, hitting my prostate and causing stars to dance across my vision. I was sandwiched between the two of them, held together by the two of them, the way I always seemed to be held.

Was I fragile in their eyes? I had to wonder.

Chester’s tongue fought with mine, dragging my attention back to him and Freyne. I battled with him, tongue on tongue, a war… but Chester had an advantage – Freyne. Not expecting anything more, I nearly hit the roof when a finger, a single digit, slid in beside his cock, thickening it to about Daiton’s size. Freyne had never had a very thick cock, he was longer and leaner, good for prostates, but adding another finger just intensified everything and I almost screamed, having to bite into Chester’s tongue to stop myself.

Chester gasped, pulling his mouth back to press a flushed kiss to my neck and I moaned softly. A hand wound itself into my hair, grounding me and keeping me safely captured between the two of them, and Chester pressed another kiss to my neck, his teeth grazing my tender skin.

“Freyne,” I barely recognised his voice as he bit into my shoulder, beckoning my other brother.

“Mm?” Freyne huffed, sliding another finger in beside his cock and I hissed, my thighs trembling as I fought to hold myself upright. There was no need though, not really. I had Chester and Freyne keeping me upright and that should have been enough. A sound caught in the back of my throat as Chester grabbed his cock, wrapping his fingers around it tightly and pumping him with Freyne’s quick and slow variations of sliding into him.

Chester made a sound akin to a groan, “help?”

Freyne chuckled, his lips pressing against the back of my neck, shaped like a smirk. It made me feel… weird. Freyne wasn’t normally one to smirk, not recently at least. I heard his whispered confirmation a second before his voice carried out to Addison, beckoning our oldest brother over. I squirmed, suddenly unsure about everything as Chester continued to pump me and Freyne continued to slide, in and out, in and out, in and out. Addison answered almost immediately, and the sound of his voice shot up my spine. I could feel it building inside me, the need to release, to come in pleasure, but with Chester’s slow and lack of rhythmed pumps, and Freyne’s alternating penetration, I couldn’t gather up enough friction or stimulation.

…and then it was all gone.

Freyne slid from me, cock and fingers, and Chester withdrew his hand. A soft mewl escaped my lips, a needy sound because this was unfair. With the help of Chester and Freyne I was dragged to my feet, my legs wobbling and my bottom aching, but I was also hard and leaking and I needed somebody in me again. I _needed_ it.

Once I was turned around, I caught sight of Addison, sliding from the bed where he had been carding his fingers through loran’s hair, helping our youngest brother to fall asleep. He stood up straight now, stretching his arms above his head before advancing toward us. I swallowed thickly, my eyes flickering along his body as Chester slid me back, my back hitting the wall. I watched with keen eyes as Addison suddenly stopped, turning on his heel sharply to return to the bed.

Something coiled in my stomach as Addison bent at the trunk at the end of the bed, dragging out a piece of pink ribbon before standing back up. He caught my eye, tightening the ribbon in his grip as he walked toward us again, and I felt the air whoosh from my lungs. Biting my lip, I was ready to protest, but Freyne’s lips were suddenly on mine, pressing a chaste kiss to my mouth. When he pulled back, Addison was there, one hand around my wrists, pulling them behind my back, while the other tied the ribbon.

“Addison,” I whispered, my voice a hoarse croak as Chester pressed his palm flat to my chest, pinning me to the wall, trapping my hands between the small of my back and the plaster. I was trapped. “Um--” I wasn’t sure what to say, wasn’t sure what I could say… except for one word. We had a single safe word that any of us could use and everything would come to a halt. A single word and I could stop the torture and get my release.

I bit my tongue, holding my breath as Addison pressed me bodily into the wall behind me before dropping to his knees in front of me. My breath escaped quickly as he peered up at me through thick lashes and I unconsciously tugged at the bindings on my wrist, wanting to dig my fingers into his hair, but I couldn’t.

Chester pulled away from me, his warmth disappearing with him, and out the corner of my eye I watched as advanced on Freyne, catching him around the waist and pushing him against the wall diagonal to me.

I didn’t know where to look now… at Addison or at Chester and Freyne?

“Graden,” Addison’s voice called softly, blowing softly against my erection. With a gasp I returned my attention to him, my eyes flickering. He smirked up at me and then took me into his mouth. I moaned, loud and clear, tugging at the ribbon, but it wouldn’t budge. My thighs shook as Addison took me deeper into his mouth and I was so sure I would collapse, but he pressed his palms to my hips, pinning me to the wall.

I struggled to breathe as Addison pressed closed, flicking his tongue across my tip. It was so much but not enough. “Addi--” the words caught in my throat, my fingers wrapping tightly around the loose bits of ribbon, just to hold something. “I- I need--” I inhaled sharply as one of his hands moved to my ass, cupping me and squeezing me before digging a single digit inside.

My breath left my lungs as my release left my cock and I choked, spurting into Addison’s mouth as he sucked me dry. It was too much. Way too much and I hated it. I hated it so much, everything about it… but I loved it, too.

Addison smacked his lips together as he stood up, kissing me passionately and fiercely. He tasted like me and I pulled a disgusted face, trying to slide away, but I couldn’t because Addison was so strong and I loved kissing him. Both of his hands behind me now, he undid the ribbon. My hands shot up to his hair the second they could, digging into the strands and Addison groaned in content, sliding his palms down to my thighs, hiking me up against the wall.

“Addi--” His name caught in my throat as my legs braced along his hips. I could feel his heat pressing against mine and it only made me harden again. I tried to urge it down, though, not prepared to do anything more. If anything, that had drained me of every last ounce of energy.

Addison pulled his lips from mine, hiking me further up the wall so I was staring down at him, my arms hooked around his neck and my hands in his hair. He stared up at me, his eyes intense and strong, powerful in their own way.

“We love you.”

I nibbled my lower lip, his words hitting me somewhere inside. Swallowing thickly, I nodded. “I love you, too.”

Addison’s lips quirked into a soft smile. “We know.” He pressed his lips to my chest, trailing soft kisses down to my navel. I inhaled sharply as he pressed a particularly rough kiss to a small, white scar on my hip. It was taboo. Out of sight, out of mind. Normally make-up covered it, but Jackson had been anxious about Loran arriving today and so he’d completely forgotten.

Which was okay, it’s just I didn’t know how to apply make-up, so it was left uncovered today.

“Are you up for round two?” He queried, dropping me to my feet. I bit into my lower lip, shrugging as I glanced over his shoulder to see Chester and Freyne kissing, their movement’s sloppy, hands gripping at any skin they could. I swallowed, feeling my cock harden more as I watched them. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to join… but I was honestly exhausted to the bone and couldn’t possibly join in on that. Addison had other plans, though, taking my hand in his and dragging me to the bed, where he sat down and pulled me to straddle his lap. I did so slowly, still aware of my aching backside.

“I’m not riding you,” I murmured, gripping his shoulders tightly as I position myself. Addison smirked wickedly up at me.

“That wasn’t the plan anyway,” he assured me, and I frowned down at him, confused.

“If that’s not the plan than why--” A tongue, hot and wet and spine-tingling good licked at the skin on my backside. I snapped my head over my shoulder, my eyes wide as I unconsciously lifted up onto my knees, giving better access.

Freyne grinned up at me from where he knelt behind me. He returned his attention to my backside and my cheeks warmed, hurting almost from how hot they went as Freyne’s tongue poke at my most intimate area. I gritted my teeth together, my fingers digging into Addison’s shoulder, but he didn’t seem to mind.

Behind Freyne was Chester, slowly sliding in and out of our brother. Freyne was taking it all wonderfully, lapping at me happily, his tongue twisting inside and making me gasp, choking on air, while Chester gave to him the pleasure he’d given to me not too long before. Addison gripped my face, turning my head back to him so he could press our lips together.

My attention was torn, my mind was torn. I wanted to push against Freyne’s tongue as it drew mewls from me and sounds I’d never made before. My toes curled at the intensity and I bit against Addison’s lip, evoking a groan from him. I couldn’t help doing it again, though, as Freyne’s own teeth nipped at my tender area.

Oh, God, I hoped it would never end.


	21. Chapter Twenty

**Ik** **e -**

Elliott’s voice was patronising, teasingly low as he gripped my thighs. “Come on, Ike,” he puckered his lips at me as sweat poured down my cheeks. Biting my lip I rolled my hips and Elliott grinned, but I felt his body shudder beneath mine. “You can do better than that.”

It took everything I had to not glare at him, to not tell him to fuck right off. Instead, I pressed my hands to his chest and eased myself upward before rolling my hips down again. I continued the routine, up and down, up and down, my hips sliding lewdly over his cock.

It was painful, the continuous lifting and lowering myself, exhausting to the bone. Elliott was large, quite large, but he lacked the length I so craved. He barely brushed my prostate and holy hell it drove me insane. I’d be so close, and then… no.

I hated to admit it, but I was on the verge of tears.

I couldn’t allow Elliott to see, though. I held my breath, continuing the slow movements, my pace steady. Elliott grinned up at me. “Come on, Ikey-pikey,” his words were emphasised as he lifted his hips, sliding into me more. I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut as I dropped my head forward, letting it hang from my neck.

This was the main reason I was constantly paired with Elliott. Hit taunting pushed me, infuriated me. It made me want to slap him and tell him off, but I was incapable of doing that, for many reasons. I was weaker than he was, I was younger, I was shorter, I couldn’t harm any of my brothers, not on purpose, and most importantly, I loved it.

Something had fucked up in my gene pool, causing me to crave the teasing and the harsh thrusts. However, I only loved it when I knew I was still loved, when I knew I wasn’t being used. Sometimes it was difficult to remember when in this position, hard to remember that outside of the bedroom Elliott was my lover, my brother and my equal. Once inside the bedroom, Elliott taunted me, pushed me. He made me want to rip his innards out. He made me want to prove that I wasn't weak.

Because I _wasn't_ weak.

Elliott made a sound akin to a groan and his hands on my thighs slid to my hips, pinning me down as he thrust upwards. A moan slid past my lips and my eyelids fluttered. Riding him always felt so good, especially if I ignored his words, but when he took control like that… oh, God.

Elliott would tell me that I was too wake to ride him into oblivion, but fuck him, because we both knew I could do it. We both knew I would do it.

“I have needs, Ike. Move a little faster--”

“Shut up,” I hissed, my nails cutting into the skin on his torso as I pushed myself off of him and then slammed back down. I seethed in pain as Elliott lifted his lips from the bed at the same time and I impaled myself. Grinding my teeth together I blinked the tears away, replacing them with a scowl.

"Aw," Elliott fluttered wide eyes at me, “someone’s grumpy." He reached up to pinch my cheeks and I resisted the urge to smack his hands away, instead pulling my face from where he could reach. I made to bit at his fingertips but he instantly pulled them back, quirking an amused eyebrow at me.

“That’s not nice, Ikey.”

“Shut up, Elliott.”

Elliott rolled his eyes, his hands reaching for my hips again as he wiggled his own beneath me. I caught his eye, still scowling, but it melted away at the heat in his gaze, the powerful hold he had upon me. Swallowing I averted my eyes quickly.

Elliott’s grin widened, though, and his hold on my hips tightened as he lifted me, bringing me to his tip as if I weighed nothing, before slamming back down. My back arched and my thighs trembled as he did it again, the muscles in his arms working, evidently working. My gaze was drawn to them for a moment and I could feel the heat starting from my neck and rising up to my cheeks.  

With an exhale I turned to look over my shoulder at Jackson, Daiton and Hunter. Elliott continued his roughhousing, pushing me up and sliding me down and it hurt so much, but I could feel the small sparks of pleasure beneath it all and I knew I had to hold it out for just a little longer.

I focused on Jackson, watching with eager eyes as he inhaled everything Daiton and Hunter gave him. I wouldn’t call what they were doing painful, but if it was, Jackson wouldn’t care. Jackson was a fan of rough stuff, of ties and rope and chains. It scared me at first, and Kerrick – especially Kerrick – but Hunter had explained it to us so we understood. Jackson liked it rough, a little bit like myself, but he craved the pain.

He didn’t like it when somebody was angry with him, though. None of us did. It scared us.

Giving somebody the power to do as they wished, especially when they were mad… I couldn’t think of anything worse.

I was so focused on Jackson and what Hunter and Daiton were doing to him, the penetrating, the fiddling, the caressing, that I missed Elliott’s devilish grin. I didn’t, however, miss the way he suddenly pushed me onto my back, forcing himself forward so he slid into me easier. I gasped, inhaling sharply and exhaling a groan as his hips began to piston into me at such a pace that I squirmed from both discomfort and pleasure.

“Elliott--” I pressed my palms to his chest. “Elli-- Wait--” I preferred riding him, I preferred being in control. Elliott on top of me meant he had taken all of that control away and it made my heart thump against my ribcage in a way that I wasn’t sure about. It frightened me, giving this control up.

Elliott leaned down, pressing his lips to mine, hot and hungry as his hips rolled and pressed, causing me to arch my back and curl my toes. My brain seemed to short-circuit as I moaned into his mouth, my hands grabbing at his hair, tugging desperately. I tried to bring his mouth closer to mine, to bit his tongue, but Elliott pushed away from me, digging his cock into me quicker and faster, tearing me apart.

When he reached up to pinch a nipple, I opened my mouth to tell him to stop it, to tell him I didn’t want my nipples touched, not when my own cock was hard and leaking and desperately needed attention, but also because nipple play had never been something I appreciated. The words caught in my throat though when he leaned down and capture a bud between his teeth, biting particularly hard. I gasped and shoved at his shoulders, not quite comprehending what I was doing as I suddenly twisted around, attempting to get away from him.

“Ike, what on earth are you--” Elliott’s confused voice was lost to me as I successfully twisted away, only to find myself in mid-air before thumping to the ground. A pained groan passed my lips and an instant later Elliott’s hand was on my arm. “Shit, Ike--”

I pushed is hand off, lifting myself to sit up so I could press a hand to my forehead. My head was spinning, everything around me going in circles. I squeezed my eyes shut as I fought to compose myself. Elliott’s hand was back on me a moment later and I didn’t have the strength to push him away.

I was frustrated. He knew how I felt about nipple play. He knew it. Everybody knew it.

“Hey,” Elliott’s voice was concerned and he was suddenly kneeling beside me, his erection still jutting between his thighs and leaking. I bit into my lower lip, blinking my eyes open as I shoved him away, staggering to my feet. “Ike, are you okay--”

I had to grab the bed for support as everything continued to spin, but once I felt a little steadier I walked around the bed, reaching for the door that led to the bathroom. I stepped inside, slamming the door behind me before dropping to my bottom. I barely had the strength to reach up and lock the door, but I did so quickly before retracting into myself. I inhaled and exhaled slowly through gritted teeth, trying to bite back the swell of emotion that had risen to abruptly inside me.

I couldn’t identify what I was feeling or why I was feeling this way, but… but I was.

With a heaved groan I managed to get myself onto my feet, depositing myself onto the closed toilet seat a moment before a hand banged on the door and the handle jiggled a little. “Ike?” Of course it was Addison. “Ike, are you all right?”

I rolled my eyes at his pathetic question, resting my elbows on my knees and pushing my face into my hands. “I’m fine. Go away.”

“Ike,” Addison called again, the door shaking as he knocked loudly. "We don't lock this door, remember?"

I shrugged even though he couldn't see me. "Too bad."

“Elliott,” I heard Addison’s hiss on the other side of the door and felt a small, smug spark flicker through me at the realisation that he was getting in trouble. I hoped he got reprimanded for being a dick… and speaking of dicks. With a sigh, I looked at my hardened organ between my legs, still stiff and in need of a release.

I was surprised I was still upright, not expecting to last long after Elliott’s intrusive nipple pinching and biting. The door handle jiggled again and I opened my mouth to tell Addison to fuck off, but it wasn’t his voice.

“Ike?” Elliott called, “I’m sorry, okay? I forgot about the nipple thing, but I personally think you over-reacted-- ow! Shit, Hunter, don’t hit me!” A soft smile touched my lips at his words, but otherwise I ignored him, standing up and heading for the shower. Elliott’s voice joined me again as I reached into the stall to turn the tap on. “I know you don’t like masturbating though, so why don’t you let me, or somebody else, in?”

"No." I responded firmly, twisting the cold water tap.  

“Ike, you’re hard as a rock. Let me help you--”

“Cold water does wondrous things,” I called over my shoulder, hiding the flinch in my voice as the cold spray hit me.

Elliott thumped on the door, “Ike, don’t be stupid, that’s an awful way to go limp. Please, let me, or somebody else, help you!”

"Fuck you, Elliott."

I ignored him then as he called for Addison, smirking at Addison’s easy response.

"You screwed this up, Elliott. Don’t ask me for help."

Elliott whined in frustration, pounding his fist against the door again, and I had a feeling he was attempting to pick the lock, but he wouldn’t succeed-- not in the time that it would take me to lose this erection. As soon as I stepped under the cold spray my body began to shake from the cold, but my erection began to drop down. Of course, I hated that I was unable to come at least once in a night, but at the same time I was too upset to care much more than simple thought.

Instead, I thought about all the ways I could kill Elliott, or sabotage him. Hopefully to teach him a lesson about listening and not doing something that people don’t like. Of course, there was the chance he really had forgotten, because Elliott’s brain sometimes blanked when he was having sex, but it was important that he didn’t.

I could never understand or explain my dislike of nipple play, it had always just been something I’d disdained. It wasn’t a turn on… if anything, it was a turn off. I hated the way it felt, I hated the way they hardened into nubs. It was one thing for my cock to harden, but my nipples? I didn’t like it.

I was so distracted by my thoughts that I didn’t see the door open. So lost in my thoughts and my anger that I’d forgotten there were two doors that led into this bathroom.

“Fuck,” Elliott’s voice penetrated my ears and my eyes widened, spinning around quickly. My foot slipped and my older brother caught my arm, steadying me as I stared up at him, wide eyed. He grinned, reaching around me to turn the hot tap. “Don’t you think it’s a little _too_ cold?”

I scowled at him, shoving at his chest, “get the fuck out!” The water slowly turned from cold to a lukewarm to suddenly hot and I flinched as Elliott pressed his body against mine, his hands reaching around to grope at my backside. I felt myself begin to harden and wanted to burst into tears. I had only just gotten myself down.

“I’ll be good this time,” Elliott whispered, touching his forehead to mine as he pressed my back to the tiled, cold wall behind me. I pressed my hands to his chest, trying to stop him from advancing toward me, but it was a stupid and futile attempt. I could still feel his warm breath on me as the hot spray showered down upon us.

I finally found my voice, managing a pathetic, “you always say that.” It sounded weak to my own ears and I mentally cursed myself, especially as a groan slipped from my lips as Elliott’s tongue slid along my neck. Elliott’s mouth slid up to my cheek, warm and soft, and I almost melted.

 

“I’m serious this time.”

I shook my head, trying to resist, but it was too hard. I reached up, sliding my hands over his shoulder, pulling him instead of pushing him away, hating myself. “You always say that, too.”

Elliott pulled away and rolled his eyes. “I’m not talking this through with you, not right now. Instead I’m going to make you feel amazing.”

I shook my head, knowing that he spoke words but never meant them, never did the actions that were expected of him. My nails dug into his shoulders, drawing him closer, lifting my mouth to blow hotly against his ear. Elliott’s breath hitched as my tongue slipped from my lips and I licked at the lobe of his ear shell, sucking it into my mouth. Elliott made a noise of content and I bit into his ear, pulling away to whisper softly, “why don’t you fuck off?”

I found the power to push Elliott away, reaching for the bar of soap on the niche, but Elliott’s hand, larger than my own, wrapped around my wrist, halting my movement. I hissed through gritted teeth as his hand reached between us, taking my cock in hand. I squeezed my eyes shut, hating that I was already hard and he’d barely touched me. Elliott leaned forward, one hand tugging at my cock while the other groped pointlessly at my ass, no aim seeming to be in mind, but working so well that my toes were curling against the tiled floor.

“No, I won’t.” He moved his lips to my wrist and then to my inner-elbow, his hand sliding down our bodies, dragging over our torsos to take our hardened cocks in hand, wrapping his fingers around both of us.

I inhaled sharply, swallowing as I resisted the urge to buck against him. I could fight this… I _had_ to fight this. Elliott continued his slow pace, slowly tightening his hand and becoming faster, pumping so quickly that I had to go up on my toes to gather the right friction. I shook my head, mentally cursing at myself for giving in as I pressed my palms to Elliott’s shoulder, trying to shove him off of me.

“Fuck off!”

“No.” The same teasing voice he always used. I mentally cursed him as he crowed me against the wall, pumping the two of us faster and harder. My toes hurt from standing up on them for so long and my knees wobbled. Elliott came a second later, releasing against our stomachs, and once he did I almost did, too. I tried to hold it back, though, not wishing to get whisked away again, but Elliott knew what made me weak, and a second later the tip of his finger slid into the tip of my cock and I was arching and crying out with the force of my release.  

"Can I take you?" He whispered, nuzzling his nose to my cheek. I snorted, pushing against him, pulling my hand away.

"Only if you're gentle."

Elliott grinned wickedly, quirking his eyebrows at me. "I don't do gentle."

I huffed, trying to relax my body as I blinked up at him. It was a struggle, but I managed to twitch my lips into a smile, something soft and tender, something I knew Elliott would love. Sure enough, Elliott grinned, leaning down to capture my mouth in his and I forced a moan, my fingers sliding down to his waist and I almost pulled him against me, until I remembered what I was doing and I remembered that I didn’t want this. I didn’t want sex if it wasn’t gentle… not right now, at least. If anything, I wanted to curl up in bed and sleep. God knows I was exhausted.

“You’re so sexy, Ike,” Elliott whispered, his own hands snaking around to my waist, groping at my backside and pulling me against him. “Let’s go and show everybody else how sexy you can be.”

My eyelids fluttered shut at his words and I almost melted right then and there on the spot. I loved the taste of him, I loved the sound of him, I loved everything about Elliott.

Except the roughness.

I forced myself to relax more, leaving myself in his capable hands, and Elliott grinned, leaning down to capture my lips once more. I snapped my eyes open as his finger went to penetrate me and my knee came up before I fully registered my actions, catching him in the groin. Elliott hissed, cursing loudly as he stepped away from me, only to hit the glass door of the shower and fall backward, pushing it open. My eyes widened as I took a hurried step forward, suddenly thinking I’d gone too far, but it was too late.

Water splashed from the shower out onto the tiles, drenching Elliott even more as he laid on the floor, blinking up, stunned. Swallowing thickly, I twisted the taps, stepping precariously from the shower and dropping to my knees.

“Elliott?”

He made a groan of pain and my cheeks flushed in worry. _Shit_ , I thought, _I’ve_ _fucked_ _up_.

“Ike, what the fuck?” Addison, who had been standing in the doorway, stepped into the bathroom, his voice giving me chills. I swallowed, glancing up at him, hating the way his blue eyes pierced into mine. I quickly scrambled back as he dropped to his knees, hooking a hand under Elliott’s shoulders to lift him into a sitting position. His eyes still stared into mine, hard and unforgiving. But I knew they weren’t truly unforgiving. Addison was just pissed. As he rightly should be. I had fucked up.

“I didn’t want to be fucked,” I managed, fighting to strengthen my voice. Addison’s stare transformed into a glare and it was irrational to be fearful, Addison would never hurt me. Not intentionally. However, despite the fear the burned in my gut, anger was slowly making itself known. Biting into my lower lip I pushed myself to my feet, stumbling a little bit before catching myself, standing over them.

“You don’t have to resort to violence,” Addison growled, glaring up at me, and despite the height difference, I still felt intimidated. I opened my mouth, fully prepared to snap back to tell him what else was I _supposed_ to do, when Berling entered the bathroom, his presence large and foreboding. “You could have seriously hurt him,” Addison pressed on, beginning to stand, helping Elliott to his feet. I watched with butterflies in my stomach as Elliott groaned, reaching a hand to his head.

“I didn’t mean to!” I snarled, the anger taking over the fear as Berling advanced toward me. Kerrick arrived in the doorway next, blocking my exit, and I caught his eye, hating the naked worry that was evident. With an inhale, I fought for my next words, “and I did tell him! I always tell him! I always tell you all!” I blinked back the burning in my eyes, suddenly hating the weakness I was feeling. Crying wouldn’t help anybody, it never did.

Berling crowded me into the corner, and I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to block him, but he was bigger than I. His hands reached for my wrists, dragging and pulling, and suddenly I wasn’t in control anymore. I fought with all my might, struggling and tugging and twisting, but Berling may have well been a wall.

Addison guided Elliott to sit on the closed toilet seat, dropping to a squat beside him as he spoke quietly and Elliott exhaled, nodding as he stood up slowly. When he managed to get to his feet without the help of Addison, said brother turned and pulled me from Berling’s hold, herding me into the bedroom. I attempted to resist, hating the swirling in my stomach, sure I was going to vomit.

“Stop pushing me!” I managed to get out, twisting, but Berling came up beside Addison, grasping my arm. “Let me go!”

“Ike,” Addison spun me around, pressing his hands to my shoulders so I sat on the bed. “If you wake up Loran, I swear to God.” It was an empty threat, but it worked. I shut my mouth immediately and worked on calming myself, easing my harsh breath into something slower and maintainable. Kerrick rushed over to Loran, who was sleeping peacefully, and brushed his palm against our baby brother’s shoulder. Had it been anybody else, it would have taken far longer to waken the slumbering teen, however Kerrick had always had a special touch.

 I watched, my heart still pounding, blood rushing in my ears, as Loran stirred, blinking up at Kerrick. “Hmm?” He hummed, appearing exhausted, “Kerrie?”

Kerrick smiled sweetly, and the irregular thump of my heart came to a halt. Kerrick’s smile was gorgeous, heart-stopping. I watched carefully as Kerrick helped Loran to his feet, distracting the only half-awake teenager with soft words, taking his hand and leading him from the bedroom.  I caught Addison watching them, an imperceptible twitch to his lips.

I scowled, the breath-taking moment gone as Berling’s hand rested on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. “Touch me and die.”

Berling scoffed and it made my blood boil. “You’re seven years my junior, your threats don’t scare me.’

“Perhaps you should," I nodded pointedly at Elliott who was stumbling from the bathroom, looking much better and any guilt I’d felt disintegrated. Berling scoffed again but made no further comment, as Addison called to Jackson and Graden.

“You two should follow Loran and Kerrick.”

Graden quirked an eyebrow as he slid across the bed, running a hand through his hair. “Why?” His eyes flickered to me briefly before turning to our oldest brother. Addison regarded him calmly.

“Because you are both bum chums.”

Graden’s cheeks heated, but he scowled, while Jackson snorted, snatching up his boxers from the floor. He flipped the bird at Addison, and anybody else who agreed with Addison’s statement, before leaving, slamming the bedroom door behind him. Graden stayed a moment longer, watching Addison carefully, raising an eyebrow.

“Your terminology is incorrect, dear brother,” he crossed his arms over his chest before tilting his head at me, but his eyes never left Addison’s. “However, by your own personal definition, Ike falls under it, too.”

“Yes,” Addison agreed, gesturing to me, “he’s also to be taught a lesson.” Addison waved a hand at Graden, “so, shoo.”

Graden shook his head. “If you’re going to hurt him, I won’t.”

Addison’s face, set like stone, melted a little, and he reached tenderly to touch Graden’s cheek, stroking it. “We won’t hurt him.”

Graden shook his head again, “you don’t understand--”

“Graden,” Berling moved away from me, crossing his arms over his chest, “leave.”

Graden’s eyes flickered up to Berling, and I could see a scowl beginning before he exhaled, his face relaxing. He glanced toward me, catching my eye, one of his eyebrows rising. I shook my head. He bit into his lower lip, his other eyebrow raising, but I shook my head again. He was offering to take my place, but I couldn’t allow that.

Swallowing, Graden offered a curt nod, standing up abruptly. He thoroughly flipped the bird at all of our brothers, except Hunter, who was standing in the corner, his expression blank. Graden then left, slamming the door harder than Jackson.

Once he was gone, it was eerily silent. Nobody broke the silence, nobody appeared to want to. Finally, with a huff, I pushed myself to my feet, crawling along the bed to sit against the headboard. I wouldn’t call this ‘bad,’ but… but it really pushed us… pushed _me_.

“Let’s do it, then.” The butterflies in my stomach were back, harsher than ever, and I raised my wrists as Daiton opened the chest at the base of the bed. He tossed a pair of cuffs with black fluff to Berling, taking his own pair and walking around the other side of the bed. Berling took one of my wrists, hooking the cuff to it and then to the headboard, as Daiton did the same. The soft fluff and hard grip made my breath instantly pick up and my cock swell.

I wished for gentle sex, I truly did, but this was a close second. There was something… titillating about these cuffs, about this restraint. I also trusted them. Pissed as I may be, I trusted them to not hurt me. And I had my word.

“You ready?” Daiton whispered, pressing his tongue to my ear and I gasped in shock, jerking my head away, but Daiton followed, his hand, large and calloused, reached for my crotch, rubbing it, hardening it. I moaned, soft and awfully. I cringed at my own noise.

Daiton grinned, pressing a sloppy kiss to my cheek. “Let’s get started.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long it's taken. There are some major plot points I need to change because I'm not comfortable with them, and it's taking me an awfully long time.   
> For those who read the original, I honestly hated the way the 'tops' seemed to force themselves on the 'bottom's and especially Ike in this chapter and the next, so I wanted to change it. I struggled because if I changed it too much it would mess with the entire story, so I attempted to change it to something more consensual, a specific kink that one of them have, so, for example, Ike loves cuffs, he loves the feeling of them on his wrists, the touch of restraint. I've also added a Safeword, so that it's a little more clear that it really is consensual - despite a bit fucked up - I hope that makes sense?
> 
> Again, I'm so sorry about the delay in update. School is a horrific mess.


	22. Chapter Twenty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always hope that communication will sort relationship problems out, but these boys are also pretty stubborn, so?

**Ike -**

I watched intently as Daiton slid from the bed, half wishing to go to the room with Graden, Ike, Jackson, Kerrick and Loran, but… but I couldn’t ignore my straining cock, bowing out, the tip touching my belly button. I wanted to reach down, to stroke it, to bring myself over the edge that had been building since I was asked to get into this position, but my restrained wrists held me back, and I barely suppressed a moan of frustration.

“A-Addison,” I managed a whine, and Addison glanced at me, raising an eyebrow from the end of the bed. “Pl-please.” What was I pleading for? I wasn’t sure. I felt vulnerable, I felt weak, all of my control was snatched away from me, and I was left reeling, but at the same time I knew I only had to say a single word to get myself out of this and-- and I didn’t want to.

I swallowed thickly as Addison turned to converse with our brothers, Berling sliding away from the bed to hook an arm around Hunter’s neck, tugging him close. Hunter, my gorgeous older quad, appeared nervous, but his face was set as he joined the small circle, leaving me to arch and tug against the cuffs.

I was uncomfortably aware of my wet body soaking into the bed beneath me, but I could easily ignore it, instead searching my brother’s naked bodies as they turned me. My cheeks burned as their eyes fluttered across my body, and if anything, I felt myself harden more. It was now an unwavering ache, spreading from my groin across my body, a flush joining it. Swallowing again, I fought to find my voice, but I met Berling’s gaze, and any coherent thought flickered away, like an off switch. His dark eyes, furtive and hooded, captured me, held me, undid me. I shivered.

“Please,” I managed again, dragging my eyes along them, not staring at their faces anymore, keeping my gaze lowered to their chests. Why was I pleading for them? Because I wanted it? Yes, but… but I wanted them to touch me, not to stand there staring at me like I’d done something wrong-- Elliott chuckled, cutting my train of thought off, and I blinked up to meet his gaze.

He was fine now, and I was sure I hadn’t hurt him that much anyway. He knew how to act, what to say, what to do, to get me in this position – of course, that meant I was admitting that he was smart and no way would I ever agree to that. Elliott crawled onto the bed, and even though I was equally as bare, I felt incredibly inferior. He leaned down, his breath hot as he breathed against me, and goose-bumps flew across my skin, tingling right down to my toes, which curled at the feel.

“You know,” his voice was low and he moved between my thighs, crawling so he was hovering over me. His body heat was not helping my straining erection, and I almost lifted my hips to slide against him, when a palm, large and warm, touched my ankle, stilting me. With a soft gasp, I tilted my head, hoping to see who it was, but Elliott, the bastard, blocked my view. Said man dropped his head down, and I instantly returned my attention to him, a tremble racing down my body as he pressed his lips to my forehead. “You tell everybody you like it rough,” he spoke his words with a twitch of his lips, our cocks rubbing together for a blissful moment before he pulled away, leaving me wheeling, “but every time _I_ do it rough, you get incredibly,” his warm, wet breath touched my ear and his tongue flickered briefly. My toes curled into the blanket, and I unconsciously spread my thighs, “angry.”

Elliott sat up, leaning back to straddle my thighs, just an inch shy of my scrotum. I exhaled slowly through my nose, not daring to say anything, even though there was a line of begging on the tip of my tongue. I held it back. Elliott stared down at me, a smirk touching his lips.

“What am I doing wrong, Ike?” He seemed genuinely confused, and I had the answer, but I couldn’t articulate it because the hand on my ankle was warm and calloused and it was stroking up my calf, and then retracting, and I attempted to look over Elliott’s shoulder, but the man suddenly leaned down, catching my chin between his fingers. His eyes flickered to something gentler as he leaned down, touching his lips to mine. “Are you all right with this? You don’t want to say your word?”

Swallowing, I stared hard at him. Did I want to? I was genuinely upset with how everything had played out before, but this… I never knew how much I craved it until I had it. I loved the cuffs on my wrists, restraining me, I loved knowing that in the end, they still loved me, and Elliott wasn’t truly hurt with my actions, and I was all right. I was always all right afterwards… well, almost.

Graden was right about them not understanding, because they really didn’t. After everything played out like this, something odd happened, and I wasn’t sure what it was. It felt like… like _floating_. I drifted from one world to another, and I just wanted to be loved and cared for in that moment, but… but our brothers didn’t understand because they hadn’t experienced it. And when our brothers neglected us, when they walked away to clean themselves, nothing but a kiss to our temples, it left us hurt and aching and-- and I couldn’t explain it. 

Clenching my teeth together, I tore my gaze from Elliott. He was good for asking. I’m glad he did. It wouldn’t change my answer, though. Twisting my fingers into the blanket beneath me, I gave a curt nod. Elliott’s breath blew across my cheek, warm and loving.

“Words, please, Ike.”

I flushed. “Yes.”

Elliott grinned at me, pulling away. As he left the bed, the hand left my ankle, and I was left questioning who it had been. I wasn’t thinking for long, though, because Addison bent to the chest at the end of the bed, opening it and handing Hunter a piece of silk. Hunter bit into his lower lip, eyeing Addison carefully, until he exhaled and crawled onto the bed, moving up to straddle me. He brushed his hips against my raging erection though, and I sighed in relief, pressing up against him. Hunter chuckled softly, pressing down against me, and I tilted my head, exhaling in euphoria.

I attempted to grind my hips upward, but Hunter chose then to pull away and I was met with air. Barely stifling a whine, Hunter’s lips were on mine. I loved kisses from Hunter. I loved kisses from everybody, actually, but Hunter’s were crave-worthy. There was something about kissing your immediate older brother, a quad, kissing somebody who was your equal in every single way, and yet took dominance so easily. Hunter, true to the title I gave him, deepened the kiss, and I groaned against him.

“Hun--” My words were cut off as a piece of silk slid over my eyes. Frowning I twisted my head, breaking the kiss. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Hush,” Hunter whispered, pressing his lips to mine once more, his hands at the back of my head as he tied a knot. I swallowed, and Hunter shuffled, sliding his body against mine. He did it to ease me, and it worked, but my heart still pounded, my hands feeling clammy because I couldn’t see a fucking thing. “It’s all right.” His hand found mine. “You can trust me.”

I could trust them all. It was just easier to place my trust in Hunter. As long as he was here, I was all right. The sudden darkness didn’t stop my stomach from twisting uncomfortably, and for a horrible, horrible second, I thought I would vomit. The thought panicked me. I was stuck on my back. If I vomited, I would-- I would--

“Hey, hey,” Hunter soothed, pressing our foreheads together. “Breathe, baby.”

“You can’t call me baby,” I managed, making Hunter breathe a laugh.

“Fifty-eight seconds counts for something, Ike.” He began to slide away, and in a sudden haste, I reached for him, only for the cuffs to clatter loudly and for my arms to jerk painfully. I didn’t have time to stifle my yelp, and Hunter was back against me, the hand from before back to my ankle, rubbing soothingly. “You’re all right.”

I nodded, because I knew that. “Stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Hunter assured, and I felt him slide to my side, lying down length ways beside me. His hand touched my sternum and I sucked in a deep breath. “I’ll stay right here.”

I sighed in relief, my entire body melting back against the bed. So long as he was there, it would be okay. You hear that, stomach? No churning. No vomiting. Hunter is here. With a nod, I managed a croaky, “all right, I’m all right.”

A collective sigh of relief coursed through the room, and then it was buzzing again. Hunter stayed by my side, faithful and sweet, and I was ever so grateful for his presence. His hand grounded me on my chest as another body lifted, sliding against mine before pulling away. I didn’t make a sound, because noise was reserved for pleasure. Biting into my lower lip, I awaited something, anything. Nobody seemed to move around me, the air stilled, except for that constant buzz. It was a buzz of adrenaline, of excitement. My blood was bubbling in my veins from my own excitement, and my cock was aching so much that I was sure the second somebody touched it I’d be coming.

A hand, the one on my ankle, moved. My breath hitched, my eyes fluttering, but I couldn’t see anything. It slid up my calf, stopping at my knee, and a pair of lips, warm and moist, touched my kneecap. I couldn’t stop the tremble that slid down my leg, and then I shuffled, attempting to spread my thighs that little bit more, but a hand caught me, halting my movements, and Hunter shuffled beside me, pressing against me, his mouth touching my ear.

“Don’t move,” he whispered, “let us move you.”

His words were hot, and I almost cried, thinking for the first time ever I would release from nothing but words. God, how embarrassing.

Giving a shaky nod, I willed my thighs to stay in place, even though I desperately wanted somebody to touch me down there--

The hand on my knee slid up further, running smoothly along my thigh, and my breath stilted. Oh… oh God. The hand moved further up, stopping an inch from my scrotum and my hips involuntarily raised in the air.

“Please, oh, God, please--”

“Hush,” somebody murmured as a tongue touched where the hand was. I almost shot off the bed, had the cuffs not dragged me back down. Writhing, my tongue suddenly felt too big for my mouth and my eyes fluttered shut. I attempted to slide my hips down the bed, to bring the tongue _up_ , but it was futile.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait very long, because the tongue slid up and tickled at my scrotum. I saw white, my toes curling, my calves lifting off the bed, my fingers twisting into the blankets and the metal of the cuffs, pinning them to the bed as I almost snapped off the bed.

“Shit,” my voice cracked, “I’m going-- I’m going--”

“No,” someone murmured, the same someone, but I was too blissed out to identify who. “You won’t until we tell you to.”

Oh, shit, those words, what they did to me. God… god dammit.

“Please.”

“Wait.”

The tongue returned, licking a line from my scrotum and up, up, up my cock, until it swallowed my head and sucked. I stifled a shout, my hips pushing up, but about five sets of hands pressed down my hips, and I pushed against them, needing to-- I needed to--

“I’m going to--”

“Ike, hold it.”

I cried. A shout that hurt my throat, followed closely by a stinging in my eyes. The mouth around me sucked harder, and I almost laughed. They were telling me to wait, but they were going at me like they expected something _now_. At this rate, despite their words, I wasn’t going to last.

“You are so hot, Ikey.” Warm breath against my ear, not Hunter. My breath hitched, and my stomach churned dangerously. I swallowed quickly. “Maybe we should go and wake up Lorie, bring him in to see--”

“No!” The word escaped me before I fully comprehended what I was saying. Silence followed, and the mouth on me popped away. I moaned, lifting my hips, or… attempting to. The hands were still in place. This time harder.

“No?” The voice teased.

“No,” I managed, trying to clear my head. “No, not Lorie.”

“Not Lorie?”

“Not Lorie,” I agreed around my too-big tongue. I wasn’t sure how the words escaped my lips, but they did, and they were coherent, which was surprise.

“All right,” they lapped at my ear, and I shivered. “Not Lorie, how about Kerrie?”

I swallowed, shaking my head. I loved my younger brothers dearly, but Jackson, Graden and I were equally worried about what this would do to them. Of course, Kerrick already participated, but it may have well destroyed him. I didn’t want to imagine Loran getting caught up in this.

It was all right, because it made you feel glorious. Made you feel magical and alive and so, so, so full-filled, but-- but it stripped you bare and left you with _nothing_. The first time this happened to me, my brothers pinned me to a bed and latched cuffs around my wrists, I’d been beside myself because it felt _so good_. I’d sobbed for a good half hour afterward, and it took Graden and Hunter to calm me down and, God, when Kerrick was brought into it, he’d been worse. His weakness was a blindfold and wow, it made Kerrick incredibly compliant, but shit, his first time was _terrible_.

Afterward was when Kerrick first stopped talking to us. He’d always been quiet, reserved, but the aftermath of this was unlike anything and Kerrick had withdrawn. Graden, Hunter, Jackson and I assumed it was because the emotions he dealt with were so confronting all he could do was pull away, but we still hadn’t gotten through to him.

Just imagining what it could do to Loran made me want to weep. My poor baby brother, he was already incredibly vulnerable, especially around us, and I was worried that if our older brothers did something to him he would never speak to us again. Having almost lost him back then, that night, oh—

“Untie him.” Somebody spoke, their voice rushed, but I couldn’t hear it over the sudden rushing in my head and the churning in my stomach that was rising and rising and rising and, oh, oh no. Twisting, I was surprised when the cuffs didn’t restrict me, and I was able to safely get to the other side of the bed to vomit. Tears began pushing at my eyes, and I was cold and aware that my erection had disappeared in about six seconds flat.

“Ike?” A warm palm was on my shoulder, but it was a feathery sensation and I shrugged it off, stumbling from the bed. I stumbled, almost crashing into the doorway of the bathroom, but I managed to slide onto the tiles, another round of vomit beginning, but I was down by the toilet, emptying my guts one more time.

I still remembered how it had all started. Daiton dared Graden to get on the bed in the middle of a game of truth or dare, with Graden having picked dare. It was supposed to be an innocent game, but Graden had quirked an eyebrow, sliding from his knees, so graceful as he always was, and onto the bed, where he sat and waited.

Daiton stood, too, heading for his bag, pulling out a pair of handcuffs. That’s when Graden had grown tense, and he asked Daiton what he thought he was doing, but Daiton shrugged, walking to him, and Graden was too shocked to stop it. So Daiton had hooked Graden’s wrists to the headboard, and then tied his ankles to the bottom of the bed.

It was… it was erotic, but Graden was erotic, he was gorgeous in every way and he just took it, even let Daiton slide silk over his eyes, and Graden _moaned_ at the silk. That was his secret desire, much like Kerrick’s, although Graden enjoyed all kinds of things, he liked being tied, he liked being pinned, he even liked being spanked, but I didn’t understand that.

Anyway, Daiton dared him, taunted him, said “I want you to last as long as you can without coming,” and Graden jutted his chin and took it in stride. He was good at it, probably the best of us all, and it was strange, because we all sucked-- even mum and dad sucked, how else did they end up with thirteen children? But Graden did so well, until Daiton had started whispering really dirty things, things that turned me off after a while. Things like making strangers watch, like having Graden stretched and ready in front of a crowd of spectators.

Graden moaned a second later and spurted everywhere. That’s how we discovered his exhibitionist kink, but we never touched on it, and I think Graden was relieved. He’d been mortified when it had happened, and locked himself in the bathroom for a good two hours afterward.

Knowing that one of our strongest had been reduced that made me question what it would do to Loran. My gullible, stupid, lovable, adorable baby brother. Of course, it got good after a while, incredibly good, but getting to this stage had been hard and God, what if Loran couldn’t take it? What if we lost him again--

I clung to the toilet bowl as I retched again, and this time I was aware of voices, of hands touching me and the bright white light above me blinding me. When did the silk disappear?

“Ike? Baby, are you okay?”

“Hey,” hands on my shoulders, on my forehead. “Hey, Ike, answer me.”

“We need Graden,” it was whispered by somebody, but then said a little louder. “Get Graden!”

I vomited again as somebody disappeared, slamming the bedroom door behind them. A chaste kiss was pressed to my temple, and I was suddenly aware of Elliott, holding me closer. I wanted to open my mouth, to talk to him, but every time I did, I retched, and now I seemed to have gotten everything out of my stomach, it was just dry heaving, which was _painful_.

Tears that stung before now fell, slipping freely down my cheeks and I hated myself. I wished so desperately I could be like Jackson, my strong and brave younger brother. Jackson was everything I aspired to be. He was comfortable in his skin, he didn’t give a shit what anybody thought about him, he was just as he was, he was gorgeous and out-going and possibly the only one who hadn’t cried when he’d first been pinned. He, like Graden, enjoyed spanks, but he enjoyed them when he was cheeky, wagging his ass and prancing around a room.

Jackson was flamboyant in every way, and I loved him dearly, and I suddenly wanted nobody but Graden, Jackson, Kerrick and Loran. Inhaling shakily, I attempted to stop the tears and the retching, but that only made it worse, and my entire body jolted as I heaved.

“Ike?” Elliott held me tighter, “Ike, shit, this is all my fault--”

“That’s stupid,” I tilted my head, keeping it over the toilet, to stare at Elliott. He looked pained, and reached up to brush my hair back. “You’re stupid.” Elliott laughed softly, shifting me and the movement made me retch again, my knuckles white as I grabbed the toilet seat. He shuffled me until I was on his lap, and I was incredibly aware of both of us being naked, and his cock rubbing against my crack, but I ignored it, concentrating on _not_ vomiting.

Thankfully, Graden arrived then, kneeling beside me with a glass of water. His eyes, such a pretty colour, blinked at me in worry, and tried to smile, but it fell flat. Graden didn’t appear fazed as he pressed the glass to my lips, and I managed to swallow some, hating the taste of my vomit in my mouth. I spat the water out, and Graden pulled a face, reaching up to brush my hair back, pushing Elliott’s hand away. Following his palm was a washcloth, and I sighed in relief, my eyes fluttering.

"What's wrong with him?" Daiton voiced from the doorway, making Graden exhale, almost in annoyance.  He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth and told Elliott to hold the washcloth. Elliott did so instantly, holding me against his chest and rocking me gently and I almost cried harder.

“Are you okay?” Elliot murmured against my ear, leaning his chin on my shoulder. I tilted my head back against his chest, giving a slight nod.

“I feel better,” I lifted my gaze to see the underside of his jaw. The way it curved around to his chin, which framed his face perfectly, especially with the small amount of chisel present.

"Graden," Addison repeated for Daiton. "What's wrong with him?"

Graden released a bitter kind of laugh, one that didn't work on his beautiful features. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing is wrong with him." His voice was harsher than usual. "You complete and utter  _idiots_  just didn’t pick the right time." Graden shook his head, pressing his palm to his face for a moment. “Look, I don’t mind that you do it. It can be… fun, and it’s intense and very, very pleasurable, all right?” Graden pinched the bridge of his nose. “You just have to learn when the right time is. Did you really think that with everything being so high emotion lately it _wouldn’t_ turn badly?

"Graden, we didn’t--”

“You’re right you didn’t,” Graden growled. “Today was not the right time to do this. We’ve only just gotten Loran, and I swear, if you do this to him-- he’s _fragile_ at the moment.” Graden swallowed thickly, and I could hear the tears in his eyes, which made me want to sob and hold him. “Listen, it’s all right to do it, you know how much we love it, but what you don’t know is how much emotion it takes out of us and I’m surprised Ike _only_ vomited. I’m telling you to be mindful of the time and place, all right? We’re all feeling emotional today and we’re all in headspaces we shouldn’t be in, so I think it’s best for us to call it a night and go to sleep.”

Nobody said anything and Graden gave a curt nod, stooping to my side to help me to my feet. I wobbled quite a bit, and I’m sure Graden wouldn’t have been able to help me on his own, but luckily Hunter stepped up and hooked an arm around my waist, drawing me close. I went willingly, keeping my eyes down as I heavily leaned against my older quad. We stepped out of the bathroom and Hunter seated me on the bed while Graden moved to snatch up my clothes, handing them to Hunter who helped me slide on my boxers and shirt.  

“You aren’t very good at listening,” Graden spoke clearly, “but I’m asking you to use your ears now, all right? Listen to me and acknowledge that you hear what I’m saying.”

“Graden, we do--” Addison began, but Graden held a palm up to silence him. Nobody ever silenced Addison, so Addison, startled, closed his mouth.

“Answering me doesn’t telling me you heard me. All you have to do is nod.”

A couple of nods followed his words, but it looked like Addison still wished to protest. Even Berling appeared the same, but they both managed to hold their tongues – which was a surprise in itself. Once Graden was satisfied, he turned, grabbing Hunter’s arm and my shoulder and pulling us both from the room, slamming the door behind him. I stumbled against him when we were out in the hallway, but Hunter caught me, steadying me. Graden turned on us, soothing his hands down our arms.

"Are you both okay?" He eyed me. "You especially?"

"Uh, yeah." I mumbled, still blinking from the way Graden had spoken to them. It was something only Graden would do. Said man shook his head at me, stepping forward to wrap his arms around Hunter and I, pulling us down the hallway to our room. There were four beds inside, and normally it went unused, but every now and again Hunter, Jackson, Kerrick and I felt the need to disappear. There was a couch because sometimes Graden liked to join us. We would probably have to invest in another couch now that Loran was with us, but that was a thought for another day.

Upon entering, we found Loran on Kerrick’s lap, both of them curled up against the corner of a bed, Loran asleep, his head resting on Kerrick’s shoulder, and Kerrick reading with one hand. On Hunter’s bed, Jackson sat, his knees tucked against his chest. He blinked when we entered and stood up, walking across the room to pull me into a tight hug, and I happily, albeit shakily, wrapped my arms around him in return.

“Are you all right?” He whispered, his mouth to my ear, and I gave him a quick nod.

“Yeah,” I forced a smile, pulling away and pecking him on the cheek. I then shuffled across the room to sit on the same bed as Kerrick, shuffling towards him to kiss a chaste kiss on his temple. Loran made a muffled protest but didn't wake up and I smiled down at him, leaning down to brush my lips against his forehead. Graden smiled at Kerrick, kneeling on the end of the bed and reaching for Loran, pulling him into his arms.

Kerrick offered him a small smile in return, releasing his hold on Loran so Graden could carry him to the soft couch we had pushed to the corner. Loran didn’t stir as he was placed down, and Graden reached for a blanket, sliding it over Loran’s lithe body, tucking it around him before leaning down to kiss his temple in the same way I had. Picking himself up, Graden shuffled to the end of the couch, perching on it so as not to disturb Loran.

“You know,” Jackson murmured, rubbing at his eyes tiredly as Hunter closed the blinds. “I don’t really mind what they do to me, it makes me all blissful and content.” His eyes flickered around the room, searching us all, checking to see if there was any disgust, but upon seeing none, he continued. “I’m happy they do it. I just… I worry about them doing it to Loran.” 

Graden sighed, running a hand along Loran’s thigh through the blanket. “I do, too. It isn’t that I don’t think he can take it, but--” Graden shrugged uncomfortably, “after everything we, _he_ , has been through, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Hunter nodded, “I agree.” He moved around the room, switching off the overhead light and turning on the nightlight in the corner. He then took Jackson’s hand in his and pulled him close. “Sleep in my bed tonight? Give Gray yours?” He was barely finished before Graden was shaking his head, standing up.

“No, it’s all right. I should go and talk to them.”

I pulled a face, taking a seat on my own bed and tugging the blankets back. “Gray, no, let them sleep on it.”

Graden crinkled his nose and I couldn’t help but think how adorable it was. “No, I really shouldn’t. I have to talk to them now.”

Hunter shook his head, “Graden, Ike is right, stay in here for the night. Everybody will feel better in the morning and we can talk it through without a hassle.”

 Graden looked uncertain, rubbing his arm, but Hunter pulled Jackson along to him, kissing Graden sound on the mouth. Graden’s eyebrows jumped, but he didn’t pull away until Hunter did, who stared at him. “Go to sleep, you’re exhausted.” Hunter nodded to the bed that Jackson normally slept on. “It’s been an incredibly long day, and sleep will do us all some good.” 

Graden continued to look uncertain until he just sighed, nodding and pulling away. “Fine.”

Hunter grinned in accomplishment, tugging Jackson down onto the bed with him, and Graden moved to kiss Kerrick, who slid beneath his blankets. He welcomed the kiss, and then caught my eye as I blew him one across the room, making a soft smile touch his mouth. It made my heart sing, and I forgot all about the vomit and the problems that happened earlier, focusing solely on Kerrick and everybody else in this room.

“I’m going to go and get a glass of water, anybody else want one?” Graden glanced around the room, but nobody answered. “All right, don’t wait up.”

I could see Hunter watching him across the room, looking suspicious as Graden left, but he didn’t act on it or say anything to stop him, so I shrugged it off and slid further under my own blankets, resting my head on my pillow and shutting my eyes.

Hunter was right. Today had been exhausting and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. I could only guess everybody else was the same, and I wish I hadn’t have fallen asleep so quickly, because maybe I would have heard the soft whimper coming from Loran as he shifted on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, terribly sorry for the long wait! This is not what I had planned for this, I was hoping to have it done and dusted, but because I've tried to make it a little more consensual there are chapters I have to completely re-do and honestly, I don't know what younger me was thinking when they wrote some of this, but my goal is to fix it.  
> I have one week left of no school, and I have to continue working on my Major Works, but I'm also going to try and get another chapter or two of this posted and hopefully I can get on track.  
> Thank all so much for your patience, and I'm incredibly sorry!


	23. Chapter Twenty Two - Part A

**Graden -**

I stepped out of their bedroom, closing the door softly and I once I heard the click, I sighed in relief. I didn’t move for a moment, pressing my palm to the wood and attempting to even my breathing and steady my racing heart. I wasn’t a fan of anger, especially when it came from me. I’d attempted to reign it in with my older brothers, but far out, it was difficult.

Exhaling softly, I turned in the direction of the kitchen. I barely got two steps through the kitchen doorway when a hand grabbed my wrist, twisting me around and pressing me to the bench. My eyes widened and a shout of warning barely passed my lips before a mouth was covering mine. Blinking rapidly, I wasn’t sure what to think when I saw Freyne staring back at me, his lips moving effortlessly over mine.

His tongue slipped past my lips, and with a gasp I got my palms up, pressing against his chest. Freyne moved away instantly, and I reached up to wipe at my mouth, staring at him as my chest heaved. I averted my gaze as a flicker of pain passed through Freyne’s eyes, but he reached for me, his fingers hooking beneath my chin and lifting it. There was an apology on the tip of my tongue, but I wasn’t going to apologise for telling them how it was. Instead, I licked my lips.

“Freyne, look--”

“Gray, if you would--”

We both stopped, our words jumbling and becoming one and I turned away again. Freyne exhaled in frustration, running a hand through his hair as he stepped closer to me, pinning my body to the bench with his own. I lifted my gaze, biting my tongue to stop from making any unnecessary noises.

"Gray, I'm so sorry." Freyne didn't let me go, just kept his palms on my arms. Holding me in place. I swallowed, trying to pull away. If I couldn't get away, then I had to at least grasp some of the anger from before. I needed  _something_ in this situation. Freyne – all of them – were good at passing my defences, and right now the quads needed me, Loran needed me.  

"Why are  _you_  apologizing?" The bite in my tone didn't seem to work as Freyne cupped my face, searched it. "I--" I cut myself off, my voice giving out as I heaved in a quick breath. I averted my gaze. "I shouldn’t have gone in there and told you off like that, it was wrong of me--."

“God, Gray, can you hear yourself?” Freyne shook his head, “you’re apologising for stupid shit. We should have known better, but we ignored everything and just went for what was normal, and--”

“You don’t have to apologise for trying to act normal.”

“No, we do.”

I bit my lip, not looking at him anymore. I refused to lift my gaze. Freyne didn’t appear to mind as he leaned forward, his lips brushing mine. Inhaling, my shoulders drew tense and I pressed hard against the bench. Freyne's hands dropped to my waist, his own hips pressing against mine sparking something dim at the base of my spine. I hesitantly reached up, cupping his jaw with my nimble fingers. Freyne smiled against my mouth, pulling away slowly to press our foreheads together. 

“Can you-- _could_ you come and talk to the others, Gray." I pulled a face at that. It didn't sound appealing at all I definitely did not want to interact with them. I was always level-headed when it came to others, always kept myself calm so I could get through easier, but I became angry with them, and if I were them, I wouldn’t want to see me.

But, I should. I had a responsibility to this family, to keep it running. We all had that responsibility. We had to work on communication and how would we do that if I didn’t suck it up and go and talk to them, I would be putting the quads and Loran in a difficult situation tomorrow.

Sighing, I pushed Freyne away, giving a curt nod. Freyne appeared relieved as he took my hand in his and pulled me from the kitchen – goodbye glass of water – and back into the hallway. I hesitated, pulling on his hand for a second when we stopped outside the bedroom door, but Freyne offered me a reassuring smile, so I allowed him to pull me into the room.

It was tense inside, the whole air seemed to buzz with it, and I came to a stop just inside the doorway. Freyne stepped back, staying beside me as I greeted my brothers with a stare. The five of them stared back, Addison, Berling, Chester, Daiton and Elliott. I kept my eyes on Chester, because he was the possibly the sweetest of them all, but he was staring at his hands in his laps. Swallowing, I shuffled forward when Freyne’s hand touched the small of my back.

“Does, um,” Elliott’s voice made me shift my gaze to him, and he moved to carefully tuck a piece of hair behind his ear, “does Ike hate me?”

No, I wanted to say. Don’t be stupid. Ike doesn’t hate you. You didn’t do anything _wrong_ , but… be more perspective next time. _Think_ next time. I didn’t verbalise any of that, though.

I licked my lips, turning to walk across the room to the blinds. I pushed them open, leaning forward to close the window. It was going to start getting cold in the next couple of days, and I would forget to do it tomorrow, or any other times, because if this was going to blow into something huge--

“Graden?” Elliott repeated and I turned around, crossing my arms over my chest, feeling a prickle of discomfort to them all staring at me. “Does Ike hate me?”

I huffed. "No." I finally said. Elliott smiled and I turned away. "Look, I think I should go to bed--”

"Wait." Addison's voice drew me in as I began heading for the door. I stopped, but I didn't turn around, instead staring at Freyne's chest. "Graden, wait. Can you explain to us-- how to know when we shouldn’t--"

“I shouldn’t have gotten so angry,” I murmured, turning around, “but, listen, now? We just got Loran and… and you don’t understand the impact what you do has on us.”

“So explain it.” Addison almost pleaded. It hurt my heart to hear him, my big, strong, smart eldest brother, so upset by this. Swallowing thickly, I turned around, keeping my eyes on the floor. “Gray, please.”

“I can’t explain it,” and it was true. I had no idea how I was supposed to tell them that when they did what they did, when they over-stimulated us, it left us wheeling, it left us… flying. I couldn’t explain that without sounding stupid, and they would call me out on it and, God, _how_ do I explain that?

“It,” I shuffled, “there’s this feeling.” _Great start, Graden_. Biting into my lower lip, I blinked up at them. My cheeks were beginning to burn because I loved being watched but… but it was humiliating and, shit. “And… and it--” I shrugged unhelpfully. “I can’t, Addison.”

“Gray, _please_.” This time it was Berling, and _him_ sounding so desperate brought tears to my eyes. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I took a quick step back. My emotions were bubbling and I _knew_ if I didn’t get out soon I would probably _cry_ and that was the _last_ thing I needed--

I turned on my heel and pushed past Freyne. He didn’t stop me, nobody did. I closed the door behind me, pressing my palms to my eyes as I hurried to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water, downing it then and there. My heart calmed down almost instantly, but my skin felt clammy and I felt nauseous. I swallowed it all down, willing it to stay down as I dumped the glass in the sink and headed back to the hallway.

It was difficult, because I was the oldest who-- who took it up the-- yeah. I was expected to lead, but I was not a born leader. I had no qualities that helped me and I struggled when Ike, Jackson or Kerrick needed to talk, and now Loran was going to be joining and… and I _couldn’t_.

I sighed, heading for the quads room, but the door behind me clicked open and I exhaled, about to tell whoever it was to fuck off-- two hands grabbed my waist, swinging me around and pressing me up against the wall, twisting me so I was chest to chest. I opened my mouth to protest, but hot lips slid over mine. I blinked, my fingers reaching up to grab at hard biceps, and I wrenched my mouth away.

“Berli--”

“I get it,” he cut me off, his voice deeper and huskier as he pressed his lips to mine once again. A moan slipped past my defences at having just _him_ , all of _him_ , pressed up against me, but I bit it back and pressed against his chest. Berling moved, but didn’t pull away, keeping me pinned. His eyes, dark and hooded, stared at me, searched me, and I felt naked in front of him. “I get it.”

I scoffed. “I doubt you do.” I tried, but failed, to ignore Berling’s large palms as they touched my hips, squeezing my waist and slipping down to my thighs, squeezing there, too. I inhaled sharply, catching his eye. “Berling, you can’t--”

“We love you.”

I rolled my eyes. “I _know_ , but--”

“Talk to me.”

“I’m _trying_.” Tears pricked at my eyes, but I rapidly blinked them away. Now was not the time. “I’m trying, but Berling, now isn’t the right time to do anything--”

“We get that now, we won’t do it again.”

“You say that now, but what if you do it the next time a situation doesn’t call for it?”

Berling bit his lip, and it was both erotic and incredibly heart-wrenching because he looked so confused and desperate and that _wasn’t_ Berling.

“Listen,” I whispered, “we can’t fight like this when Loran’s with us. It’s hard enough with Kerrick--” Berling nodded, pressing his forehead to mine. “--we are incredibly dysfunctional, we struggle with basic things, but--”

“But we love you, and we love each other and it _will_ work, Graden.”

“Yes,” I agreed, shutting my eyes gently. We did love each other, and that’s why I needed this to be the last _thing_ for a while now. I wanted Loran to feel precious, to feel loved, to feel _needed_. He was more important to me than myself-- all of my brothers were more important to me than myself. I needed them to be happy because it made me happy. “This is only a little bump,” I reassured, pressing my lips to Berling, “it will be all better in the morning--”

“Shit!” A thump from the quads room made me jerk, and Berling pulled away from me, his eyebrows arching as he tilted his head to the door beside us. I turned my own head, confused for a moment, until it swung open and Kerrick rushed out, his eyes wide.

“Whoa, Kerr--” I pushed Berling away, turning to embrace Kerrick in a hug that he looked to need right now. He pushed away from me though and scrambled for the other bedroom door, which opened right as he reached for the door handle. Addison stepped out, and Kerrick, not seemingly aware, ran into his chest. I cringed as Kerrick stumbled back, reaching up to cup his nose, his eyes watering.

Addison cursed, reaching out to touch Kerrick’s head, probably to pull him into a hug, but a scream echoed through the house, emitting from the quads bedroom. Everybody froze, even Kerrick who had blood leaking from his nose. I think time stopped for a good two seconds, before Ike arrived in the doorway, throwing us into fast motion.

“Graden!” Ike’s eyes were filling as he reached for me. “Help!”

I moved without any more encouragement, slipping from the wall and heading into the bedroom. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Blood, a broken bone, a prank, even. I didn’t expect to see Loran still on the couch, his face crumbled with tears and snort, one hand on his belly, the other twisted into the blanket now beneath him. The hand on his stomach rose along his chest and up into his hair, tangling into his hair, and it looked painful. My heart wrenched painfully and I thought I would crumble at the knees, but Jackson, who was kneeling beside the couch, turned to me, his eyes wide.

“Graden!” That, coupled with Hunter, who was standing off to the side, appearing stricken, who looked at me pleadingly, had me stepping across the room and kneeling beside Jackson. I slid one hand into Loran’s hair, attempting to soothe him, but when it failed, I grabbed his wrists, pulling them from their holds and tugging them to my chest. Loran didn’t like that very much. He tried to claw at me, his nails digging into my arms and I resisted the urge to yelp, instead rolling him off the couch and into my arms. It was a struggle, I wasn’t strong, but Loran was so light and while that worried me, I was beyond relieved.

As I stood, I hit something hard behind me. Eyes widening, I turned, ready to snap at somebody. The words never left my mouth and I certainly was not prepared for Loran to be taken from my hold.

"Get the bathtub ready," Addison growled, clutching Loran against his chest tightly while eyeing everybody. " _Now_!" He stepped away, following after Ike and Jackson who had hurried to comply his wishes. Addison stopped, though, turning to look at me with those sterling blue eyes of his. "Get your kit, Graden."

Kit? I didn't own a kit. It was all in my head--

"Hurry up!"

I jumped a little at the snap, my feet working on their own accord as I rushed through the bedroom. Freyne scowled at Addison as I pushed past him, hurrying to the kitchen. 

"Addison, don’t be an asshole--" Freyne snapped, but I didn't stick around in the hallway long enough to hear Addison's response or the end of Freyne’s snap. I stepped through the dark kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. I was feeling rather skittish, and so when I turned around, I wasn’t expecting anybody to be there.

The glass of water in my hand shattered as I ended up punching what felt like a wall, and the glass rained down to our bare feet, cutting my palm open. I hissed, holding my palm open as Freyne stared down at me, eyes wide. I didn’t look at him, just cursed as I rushed past him.

“Clean it up,” I instructed as I left the room, just wanting to get to my little brother. I made it to the bathroom, not surprised to see a couple of my brothers waiting outside anxiously. There was the sound of water running and splashing, and I already knew what was happening as I brushed past my brothers, entering the bathroom. Kerrick was seated on the closed toilet, a bunch of toilet paper pressed to his nose, now bloodied.  

I pulled a face at that, grabbing more toilet paper and passing it to him, taking what was in his hand and tossing it to the floor. I would deal with it later. Kerrick offered me a thankful look, and then dropped his gaze to my bloodied and, but I hushed him, turning my attention to the bathtub. Addison was kneeling beside it, Chester next to him, and a soaking Loran in the tub. Water was dripping down his face, and his brows furrowed in sleep, a distraught sleep.

Addison glanced up as I dropped down beside him, and Chester moved, but I caught his hand with my good one, keeping him here. If anything got too out of hand, Chester was the next best qualified to deal with shit. Although, that left me wondering why I was best qualified. I’d been a nurse for a short time, but I got teased by co-workers for it and sometimes my brothers-- I mean, what man wanted to be a nurse? Right?

Chester nodded at me, squatting beside Kerrick. I watched for a moment before returning my attention to Loran, reaching with my non-bleeding palm to press against his flushed face. I grimaced when I felt how hot and sweaty he was, his skin sticking to my palm. Pulling away, I twisted the taps so the hot went away and the cold one splashed down on him.

“What happened?” Addison’s voice made me glance at him, and he nodded at my hand. I shrugged, swishing the water around until it was cool enough for my liking, and Loran was relaxing. “Gray, what happened?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I reached for the adaptable faucet, connecting it to the tap and bringing it out over Loran’s body, trying to cool him down. Loran, flushed and sweaty but not quite as hot, twisted, shivering a little as he dropped into a less fitful slumber.

I sighed in relief. I knew the effect water had on Loran, and it always baffled me, but I was relieved.

Once Loran had officially calmed down, Addison reached across to take my wrist in his hand, turning my palm over so he could look at the minimal cut. The blood was already beginning to stop. That didn't necessarily mean it didn't hurt like a bitch, though.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

I pulled my wrist from his, tilting my head over my shoulder to see Freyne standing in the doorway of the bathroom, a guilty look on his face. I offered him a small smile, trying to reassure him that nothing was wrong - with me, or Loran. I was incredibly worn and exasperated by all the tension and all the wrongness that seemed to have just happened today-- or, not today, but tonight.

I looked at Loran, unsure as to how I could wake him without disrupting his entire sleeping pattern for the rest of his stay, when a shuddered movement and a slosh of the water dragged my full attention to what I had thought was a slumbering boy.


	24. Chapter Twenty Two - Part B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit - or a big bit - of a mess happens. Prince boys never were good at keeping words at check when emotions were running high, now were they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's mention of suicide and also a scene - not fairly graphic, but enough to get the picture clearly - of somebody committing suicide. Please tread carefully guys.   
> If you're triggered by anything like that please skip from "God, she was dead. That wasn’t a nightmare, it was real." to "If I hadn’t been woken, maybe my nightmare would have replayed, maybe I could’ve saved her."

**Loran -**

I gasped as water splashed against me. Blearily blinking my eyes open, I shook water from my head, feeling it also dribble down my chin. I was both incredibly content, and also a little bit confused because the last thing I remembered was sleeping and now I was… definitely not sleeping.

A caress to my cheek made me glance up, a thumb pad wiping excess water away, and something warm and comfortable pooled in my lower gut. I couldn’t quite place the sensation, but it made me happy and that in itself was strange.

"Lorie?" Graden's voice, always gentle, pulled me into my proper senses. My vision blurred as I blinked, the room was incredibly bright and it hurt, but I could make out two faces staring at me. I blinked again, trying to rid the blur so I could see easier. I knew one was Graden, his voice was very easy to pin-point, a certain kind of tenderness with a strange husk that rose from the back of his throat.

“Hm?” I tilted my head to the side, my vision clearing as one of the faces moved and a hand touched my shoulder. I opened my mouth to ask what the hell they were doing, but then I was being slid forward and a body was sliding in behind me. With a frown, I attempted to push myself upright, but long, thick arms wrapped around my stomach, holding me against a chest, nice and snug.

My cheeks burned as I was forced to stay seated, and from the hardness of this chest, from the warmth on my ear from their breath, from their fingers splayed across my belly… I swallowed. “Addi?” I slid my hands around to grab his wrists, but not to tug them away, to pull the closer. I’d been hit with an overwhelming fear only moments ago, my nightmare terrifying me, as usual, and I just wanted him near.

“Yes, I’m here,” Addison’s voice was a breath of reassurance, and I relaxed against him, sighing in relief. My vision completely cleared and I wasn’t surprised to see Graden nestled down beside the tub, a soft smile on his lips. My gaze caught on to the blood on his hand, and I snapped my head down to look, shocked and worried, but Graden brought it to his chest as his other hand reached up to tip my chin back.

“Don’t worry about it.”

It was a little difficult to not.

Graden’s eyes searched my face, as if looking for something, but when he didn’t find it he smiled, bringing his hand up to ruffle my hair. I almost preened at the attention, but held myself back and steady instead. Graden didn’t appear to care.

“Was it a nightmare?”

I inclined my head in confirmation, remembering the horror of seeing mum in the water with me. Her brown curls were flying around her head with the help of unsettled water. Her brown eyes, lifeless and dull, staring straight ahead, right at me, but not at me, because… she was dead.

God, she was _dead_. That wasn’t a nightmare, it was _real_.

The nightmare, however, had taken a weird twist and I… I was suddenly Zelda. My sister. The one I never had the privilege of meeting. The one who committed suicide.

I watched as she clutched the rope in front of her, her nimble fingers shaking. She tied her hair back in a messy ponytail, her fingers making it hard, but she managed, and sweat slid down the sides of her head, and her neck. She was hesitant at first, unsure whether this was the right choice, her hand drifting over her stomach before it clenched and she shut her eyes, breathing out slowly.

She then stepped up onto the rickety chair, the one set out below a thick, hanging rope, a loop in the bottom. She opened her eyes, and I wasn’t sure if I should’ve been surprised by the tears, or expecting them. Her lips moved as she reached up for the rope, but I couldn’t hear what she said, and I was suddenly confused as to how I could see this.

My confusion was cut short as she placed her head through the loop and I realised I should be telling her to stop, to run over and stop her, but my feet wouldn’t move, my entire body was frozen. I opened my mouth and screamed instead, but she _ignored_ me. I screamed again, reaching up to grab at her, but she continued to ignore me.

Until she didn’t.

Her eyes lifted, meeting mine, and there was something there, something I could relate to. It was the look you got when you’d seen too much, when you knew too much and you just needed it to end. Life had thrown so much shit your way and you’d dodged it, but now… now it was time to accept the chance that maybe, just maybe, fate wanted you gone.

Zelda’s fingers, trembling still, grabbed the rope, smoothing it around her neck, and I opened my mouth to protest, to tell her to stop, but she kicked the chair out from under her.

I screamed. I screamed and screamed and screamed and my throat felt raw, but I continued to scream. I tried to close my eyes, but I couldn’t, and I was forced to stare at my sister, the one I never knew. I attempted to move closer, but there were hands on me, three pairs of hands, holding me back, and I couldn’t get to her.

If I hadn’t been woken, maybe my nightmare would have replayed, maybe I could’ve saved her.

Scowling, I twisted against Addison, looking up at his chin. “Who woke me up?”

Addison’s arms tightened around me. “Graden and Jackson. You were thrashing, Loran. How bad was it?”

I ignored his question, remembering the dried blood on Graden’s palm. I felt sick. Peering up at said brother as he leaned against the bathtub, I hesitantly reached up for him, taking his good hand in mine. Graden startled at my touch, but then smiled down at me, regarding me calmly.

“You all right?”

I ignored his question, too, instead gripping his hand and nodding to the one at his chest. “Did I do that?”

Graden frowned, shaking his head. "No, of course not. It was an accident." He grimaced then, glancing over his shoulder at Freyne who stood a little ways behind him. I followed the look, cocking my head to the side in confusion before brushing it off.

"Who was the third person?" I returned my attention back to Addison, who shuffled behind me. I never understood why he did this-- getting into the tub with me. Did it not gross him out? Did he like getting wet when he didn’t have to? I always thought that was my thing.

"Excuse me?" Addison rested his chin atop my head but I shrugged him off, twisting around.

"The third person holding me." I explained, glancing around the room. I hardly noticed the way my brothers were holding themselves, having been too caught up in my own feelings. Ike was standing beside Kerrick, who was pressing a bloodied piece of toilet paper to his nose. Jackson stood just outside the door, Hunter with his arm draped over his shoulder while Elliott stood beside him, almost antic with fiddling his fingers. Elliott wasn’t looking at me, though, his eyes intent and strained on Ike.

"There was no third person." Addison murmured against my ear, his hot breath making heat coil in my stomach, but I tried to push it down, shaking my head. I remembered the hands, the pulling to stop me from helping my sister. How I would explain that, though…

"I felt--" I began, returning to eyeing the other occupants in the room. Berling held Daiton's hand tightly in his own, a sign of intimacy which I would never expect from them, of all my brothers. Chester stood a little to the side, Freyne just in front of him. They were both on what looked to be ‘standby,’ waiting for something to go wrong that they would have to help out with. All of my brothers were tense, their shoulders drawn back, eyeing each other carefully.

"It felt?" Addison prompted from behind me and I couldn't deny the tension coursing through his body, either. 

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter." I pulled away from him. There was no point in remembering a nightmare, not when my heart was thumping unevenly in my chest. Now that I was fully awake, courtesy of the cold water, I could remember our actions and events over the course of the night.

Perhaps that was why everybody was so tense, because it couldn’t have been just me. Perhaps sexual tension? I couldn’t be sure, though, as I’d never really been sexually active except for the dreams of my brothers… touching me, looking at me, feeling me the way they had tonight…

I swallowed back a groan, squeezing my eyes shut. Now wasn't the time to become aroused.

Tilting my head against Addison's shoulder, I stared up at his chiselled jaw. I loved the strong jaws my brothers had. I craved for one of my own, but so long as I could look at them all day every day, I would be content. Swallowing thickly, I dropped Graden’s hand and reached for Addison’s on my stomach, giving it a squeeze. "Addison, what happened?"

“You had a nightmare? I didn’t have to see to know he quirked an eyebrow at me, his voice said it all.

"No," I shook my head. "I mean, yes, that, but... But why is everybody so--" For lack of a better word I waved my hand around in the air. Addison frowned but Daiton snorted from his position beside Berling, making me glance at him. He rolled his eyes at me, fondly and not in exasperation, which sent warmth through me.

"Fuck, Loran. I don't know where you get your observation from."

I shrugged, offering a small smile as I looked around the bathroom. A frown worked itself onto my face as I realized that this probably wasn't sexual tension. Wouldn't they be eyeing each other the same way Blake eyed his surf boa-- No.  _No, Loran, don't think about him_.

"Seriously," I touched my hand against the water, my fingers grazing over Addison's thigh, who tensed behind me, a different kind of tense to the one that originally over-ran his body, though. The one I had thought was happening right now but was poorly corrected. "What happened?

"Nothing that you need to worry about." Addison assured in a whisper, bringing his hand up to brush my hair back out of my face.

"And why not?" Ike snapped.

I raised an eyebrow, turning to look up at him as he pulled Kerrick into a tight hug, and over the blood, I could see tears welling in Kerrick’s eyes. My chest ached and I pushed against Addison, sliding to my knees. Not much thought went into my next move, as I grabbed the edge of the tub and hauled myself out, my foot, still in the water, slipped on the porcelain, and my eyes widened as I stumbled back. Graden, my hero, reached out to halt my fall, to grab me and steady me, but he slipped on excess water outside the tub, and went sliding forward, crashing against me.

Freyne moved instantly, stepping forward to stop the mess from happening. His foot skidded along the same water Graden slipped on, though, and he slipped backward, landing against Chester. The two of them hit the wall and I cringed, leaning against the wall behind me, Addison’s hand tight on my wrist, having reached up to steady me.

Ike breathed out sharply through his nose, as if exhausted, and grabbed Kerrick, pulling him from the bathroom. Kerrick looked reluctant to go, but Ike didn’t relent and Kerrick slipped from the room. Jackson followed, and Hunter followed him quickly. I blinked, watching them each leave, and then diverting my attention to Graden who had ungracefully, for the first time ever, landed with his palms in the tub and his knees on the outside of the tub.

"Ow,” his small noise of protest went noted, and his hair dripped with water as he blinked, pushing himself from the tub. He cringed, his hand beginning to bleed again, and he cursed as some slipped into the water. I didn’t mind much because I was getting out, but I didn’t like seeing him bleed. Not sure whether I should be helping out, I stood there awkwardly, Addison’s hand tight on my wrist, my eyes intent on Graden.

“Gra--” Freyne began, his voice drifting across the bathroom as he steadied himself on his feet, stepping forward. One of his hands extended to help Graden up, but Graden smacked it away roughly before flinching. 

“Sorry… just, um, don’t touch me, please.”

Freyne nodded, but he looked pained as he stepped away, and suddenly nothing was okay. Tugging free from Addison’s hold, I reached for Graden, my heart thumping hard against my sternum. Graden snapped his head up when I touched him, and I barely resisted flinching, not liking how he looked at me for a moment, until his gaze cleared up and he smiled. He took my hand in his, helping me from the tub, and I clung tightly as I shivered beside him.

"Ar-- Are you okay?" My teeth chattered, my body no longer being warmed by Addison's body. A surprised look came across Graden's face, but he blinked it away, nodding hastily.

“Yes,” he assured, “yes, Loran, everything is fine it’s just been a bit, um, of a rough night, I guess.”

I wasn’t sure if I believed him, but I wasn’t about to call him out on it, so instead I gave a curt nod, gripping his hand tighter as I shuffled closer to him. Graden was one of the most level-headed brothers I had – along with Chester and Kerrick – so if he said it was all right, I was going to believe him to the best of my ability.  

“A rough night?” I repeated, and Graden wrapped an arm around my shoulders tightly. I pressed against his side happily, looking around the room. “Is everything okay?”

“Of course,” Graden nodded, “it’s nothing you have to worry about.”

Somehow I doubted that.

“Yes, he does, Gray,” Ike grumbled, poking his head back into the door. “He needs to be warned so when it happens to him, he knows.”

“Knows what?” I murmured, unsure whether I was now a little bit worried, or still chill because Graden was doing his best to be reassuring. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Graden tried again, but Ike shook his head, stepping further into the bathroom.

“Graden, stop.”

Graden glanced at him, “Ike, please. We need to sleep--”

“He deserves to know!”

Graden nodded slowly, and I heard a hitch in his breath as he pressed on. “I _know_ , Ike. I know. But… but we can talk about it in the morning, all right? Please?”

A frustrated noise escaped Ike, not an intelligible one, and he turned around, throwing his hands up in dismay, or perhaps disgust, and left the bathroom again. I watched him go, suddenly _very_ unsure as to what I should be feeling.

“Listen, Gray, I think Ike is right--” Freyne began, but Graden cut him off.

“Sorry, what say do you think you have in this?”

Freyne looked almost as taken-aback as I was, and I shifted from Graden’s hold to stare up at him. Graden was the brother who never got upset, or at least tried not to. He was never spiteful. He was never rude. Graden was just… quirky and loveable. Sometimes – all of the time – sarcastic.

“Graden, that’s enough,” Addison spoke, standing up in the tub, and I turned to look at him. Water dribbled from his body, and he ran a hand down his arms, wiping away the wetness before grabbing a towel and tying it around his waist, discarding his boxers once it was snug. I blinked, flushing, but also turned away.

“Addison’s right, Graden,” Elliott growled, stepping up to Freyne to hug him, but Freyne pulled away, making Elliott frown. I also frowned. “Frey, what are you--”

“ _Graden_ is right,” Freyne corrected and Elliott raised an eyebrow. It wasn’t a comical one, though, no. It was accompanied with narrowed eyes and Elliott did not look pleased, especially as Freyne shifted away from him. It was a strange and rare sight for those two to not be so… together. They were the Dynamic Duo, and yet… something was amiss.

Freyne pressed on, staring hard at Elliott, “we need to go to bed. We need to sleep on this and talk about it in the morning.”

Elliott blinked before sneering. “You literally spoke to him for a total of five minutes and, what? You’ve become his bitch?”

I flinched at the terminology, as did Graden, who pressed a hand to his forehead, muttering under his breath. He stepped forward, attempting to get between the two men, but Elliott and Freyne only had eyes for each now, and not in the good way.

“Do you hear what you’re saying?” Freyne demanded, “You’re exhausted. We all are. We need to go to bed--”

“What the hell is wrong with you, Freyne?” Elliott snapped, and I licked my lips. I really did not like this.

Swallowing, I whispered, “Stop it.” However, nobody heard, and I shouldn’t have been surprised. Trying a little louder, “Please, stop it.” I saw Graden’s eyes flicker to me, but that was the only recognition I was given, and I sank my teeth into my lower lip.

“Guys, come on,” Hunter poked his head into the bathroom. “Graden and Freyne are right, we are tired and if we don’t go to bed now we’re going to say some really stupid shit, so please--”

“That’s so like you,” Daiton turned, grumbling under his breath, “running away from problems.”

I was sure nobody was meant to hear it, except Hunter did, we all did. Hunter’s Adams apple bobbed and he cut a glare to Daiton, one that would have made me cower but only made Daiton quirk an eyebrow, taking a single step toward him. It was so simple, yet it made me tense.

Licking my lips, I clenched my hands into fists by my side. “Guys, stop it.”

Graden looked at me again, and I knew he heard me. His fingers moved and then his arm lifted, he was reaching for me, but he never got close enough. Freyne and Elliott had continued their little tirade, snapping stupid things at each other, things that made no sense and at any other time of day, or night, I would have rolled my eyes, as they would have done too, but something must have happened to make tensions rocket and Freyne retaliated to Elliott call him a ‘slut’ the only way he knew how to.

Turning around, he grabbed Graden, pulling him close and pressing their lips together. Graden gasped in surprise, his eyes widening and his hands moving to Freyne’s chest, pushing, but Freyne tightened his grip on him. I watched, confused and a little dazed as Graden seemed to fight for a moment, until he bodily leaned against Freyne and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. I shifted, my lower regions suddenly incredibly uncomfortable.  

Addison, who was still standing in the tub, stepped out of it, water following him as he clutched the towel at his waist and left the bathroom. I watched him go, half tempted to follow, but I was also too scared to move. I’d never seen anything like this before.  

My brothers quarrelled, yes. They quarrelled a lot. Normally, though, it was over little, pointless shit that nobody cared about, and they laughed it off afterward, but this… I’d never seen so much destruction in such a short amount of time. It was obvious, beyond obvious they needed sleep. Half the things escaping their mouths didn’t make sense and I would bet all of my money – which wasn’t much but hey, it was money – that it was through sleep deprivation.

I took a quick step back when Elliott advanced on Freyne and Graden, the backs of my calves hitting the porcelain bathtub. I wobbled for a moment, and feared falling in, but managed to steady myself as I watched a horrible, horrible mess unfold. Elliott stopped before he did anything drastic, and for that I was relieved, but then Hunter stepping toward Daiton made me want to vomit.

I hastily looked around, wishing somebody else would do something, but Addison had left, Hunter was the only quad here, Freyne and Graden were occupied and Elliott was occupied by their occupation, and Berling was just standing there like an idiot, scowling at everything, his arms crossed, and Chester just looked lost and _I_ was lost and God, if somebody didn’t stop this it was going to turn really, really bad.

My mouth was dry, but I managed to swallow a couple of times to get some saliva back, and when I did, I attempted for the third time to make everybody stop. “Guys, look, why don’t we--”

My words were lost in Hunter’s snarl. “You can be such a fucking bastard.”

“Bitch,” Daiton growled, “if you’re going to insult me, at least have the courage to do it _properly_.”

I reached up to press my palms against my ears, hoping to block out the yelling and crying. It didn’t work, though, and I was forced to hear more.

"Fucktard!" Hunter took another step forward, and Daiton didn’t move back and I wasn’t sure whether I wanted him to or not. Instead, he raised an eyebrow. 

“Faggot.” His words at least made Graden and Freyne stop snogging, and Graden glared at Daiton, attempting to pull from Freyne, but Freyne held him tightly.

"You're one, too!" Hunter retorted and I shook my head.

"Stop it." Everything was beginning to blur around the edges, but I blinked it away, continuing to shake my head. "Guys... please, stop."

They ignored me, or maybe they just didn’t hear me. Graden licked his lips, his cheeks flushed, and he glanced around the room, his eyes settling on Berling and Chester who _weren’t doing anything_ , while Freyne caught Elliott’s gaze, and the two seemed to snap fire between them. I didn’t care about them, though. I was too… frustrated. I was frustrated with Berling and Chester for letting this go, I was frustrated with Addison for disappearing, I was frustrated with Graden for letting this happen, I was frustrated with Freyne and Elliott for being idiots, and I was frustrated with Daiton and Hunter for being bigger idiots.

"I  _hate_  you!" Hunter growled out and my attention zeroed in on him. "You don't care about anybody but  _yourself_."

Daiton pressed a hand to his heart, a hurt look on his face as he mockingly spoke. "I'm touched, Hunter. You actually know something about me."

“Guys, please?” I managed to get out, but it was futile and pathetic.

"Fuck you, dickhead!" Hunter snarled. "Get over yourself!"

Daiton scoffed, stepping forward to push Hunter in the chest. "Me? Hunter, baby bro, you should really look in the mirror."

Hunter growled out something incomprehensible, shoving back at Daiton and I knew then I had to step forward to stop this from turning into an actual fight. It was the last thing we needed. The last thing _I_ needed.

“At least I’m not so insecure I take it out on other people!” Hunter shoved at Daiton again, and Daiton’s eyes snapped fire as he grabbed Hunter’s wrists, shoving the oldest quad back, making him stumble.

“You know what, Hunter?” Daiton hissed, “you can go and kill yourself for all I--”

He wasn’t able to finish because I’d made it to them by then and my palm hit his cheek. It was possibly the greatest smack I’d ever given anybody, and I was happy. It even sounded proper, the ringing still echoing in the bathroom. It was the only thing echoing, everybody else had snapped their mouths shut. I inhaled sharply, my eyes connecting with Daiton's, who looked pained and shocked and upset and it made my heart squeeze in my chest, but I pushed all of my emotions down, focusing completely on my older brother.

“You know what, I may not be mature enough for you, or smart enough or whatever the hell else you like to tell me I’m not, but I know where to draw a line.” Anger was bubbling inside me, the most over-powering, and for a second I allowed it to fuel my words. Turning around, I narrowed my eyes on all of my brothers, not showing my surprise to see Addison now in the doorway, his eyes on me, his face neutral. Behind him I could make out the faces of Ike, Jackson and Kerrick, but I didn’t linger.

“What I just saw, was possibly the _biggest_ load of nonsense ever. You started a fight with each other because you’re tired. You are all _exhausted_ and instead of listening to Graden, like we _all_ know is the best thing, you all chose to stay and say stupid, horrible, _hurtful_ \--” I pinned a glare back at Daiton, keeping my eyes there now, “--things. How _dare_ you say that, Daiton? What possessed you to think that it was _okay_ to say?!”

He opened his mouth, looking as if he had an answer, but I held my palm up. “I _don’t_ want to hear it.” I really didn’t. I glared at them all for a moment longer, before turning and storming from the bathroom. I shoved non-too-kindly past Addison, and then even Kerrick when he reached for me, but I didn’t want to be touched.

I walked down the dark hallway, not turning back when I heard my name called. Not once did I falter, and I was damn proud of myself for getting out the front door without a single hiccup. I didn't stop walking until I realized I was nowhere near the house, despite still being on the long driveway. My breath was whirling out in front of me in white puffs of air and I dragged my hands over my arms, looking up at the sky. 

The stars twinkled, the breeze picking up and sending a chill across my naked torso. The universe was at peace, so why couldn't my family? I heaved a sigh as I blinked, a dull headache beginning to beat at the back of my head. I ran my hands up to my shoulders, slowly gripping the soft curls that fell at the nape of my neck, bending down a little. 

 _Breathe, Loran. Breathe_.

God, I would have to stay out here for a little bit, because if I went back in there now I would probably strangle the lot of them--

"Hey." I jolted, my spine straightening as I whirled around to see the boy from before, his blonde hair poking up in random directions as he stepped past the trees, his bright grey eyes glinting happily. His name… Alexander? I blinked, taking a step away as he strolled over to me, literally from nowhere.

"Um, hi?" I offered him, watching him wearily. Shit, though, where the hell did he come from?

"Hey," he grinned again, repeating his words. I frowned. 

"Um..." I tilted my head to the side, gazing at him curiously. "I don't want to be blunt, but what are you doing here?"

Alexander dug his hands into his pockets, shrugging. "I was bored."

"You were bored." I deadpanned. A chill passed through my body and I shook a little, gazing up at the stars once more and for the love of God, I was ready to add Alexander in on the list of who I would strangle when I went home.

"Well, yeah. Our camps pretty close by. I just thought, you know, why not go exploring."

"It's midnight." I deadpanned again, returning my attention to him while trying to not show how much he creeped me out. If anything, he level of attractiveness just made it _worse_ because when was the serial killer _not_ hot?

Alexander shrugged again as he came up behind me, his presence almost suffocating. He looked as if he enjoyed being the centre of attention. He enjoyed the stage - at least I gathered that from his outgoing personality and his need to be noticed. He was the kind of boy that drove me absolutely insane.

_Apparently in more than one way._

Cursing silently and flushing, I attempted to turn away, but Alexander just walked an arc around me and, again, he was a creep.

"I was also wondering--" He cut himself off, coming up right next to me. I twitched, pulling away a little to stare at him. Those grey eyes of his, those perfectly almond shaped grey eyes. Shit, they were easy to get lost in.

“Yeah?” I prompted, wrapping my arms around my shoulders again, frowning at the naked skin but not fully recognizing it. 

"Well, since my camps close by, maybe we could hang, or something?"

"Excuse me?"

Alexander’s cheeks flushed a little and he bit his lip, stepping closer again. His body easily towered mine and my breath got caught in my throat. I hadn’t realised how tall he actually was, how his limps outstretched mine and how my chin barely brushed his shoulder. If he wanted to kill me, he could. Very easily. Very, _very_ easily.

"You know, hang out? I was thinking we could hang out." He classified for me. I nodded once, blinking. I then shook my head. I had never hung out with anybody before. Blake and I spent time at the beach but that was when we were younger and still... well, when we were still talking. 

"Say again?"

Alexander sighed, exasperated with me now. "Don't worry."

"No," I shook my head. "It's just-- explain what you mean."

Alexander's brow furrowed in confusion as he regarded me carefully. "Haven't you ever hung out with anybody before?" I shrugged uncomfortably, shuffling on my feet. Alexander chuckled then. "It's okay, don't worry about it. I just want to get to know you."

"Oh." What else could I possibly say? What else could I possibly say to somebody with Alexander’s level of hotness?

"Anyway," Alexander stared up at the stars, a lazy smile gracing his lips, “what school do you go to?"

"Pardon?"

Alexander huffed. "Are you deaf?"

I recoiled. "What?"

He burst out laughing then, leaning over to rest his palms on his legs. He shook his head, slowly standing back up. "Sorry, that was rude of me, I just feel as if I'm speaking gibberish or something. I was just wondering what school you attended?

I flushed, embarrassed. "Oh. I don't really go to one."

"Ah, you're home-schooled. Cool." He grinned at me. "Have you always been home-schooled?"

"No." I shook my head. "Only since my-- my, uh, nothing. I've just been home-schooled for two years now." Since my accident, to be exact. Wouldn’t want crazy little Loran going to school and spreading his suicide tendencies, would we?

"It's fine." He shrugged. "It isn't really any of my business." I almost agreed with him, but bit my lip, instead standing there awkwardly. He finally twitched, spinning around to face me, his hand outstretched. "The names Alexander Williams, by the way. Yourself?"

"Oh." I took his hand in mine gently. "Loran. Loran Prince."

He looked awed. "That's a cool name!"

"Uh, yeah. I guess."

More silence. It took a moment for me to realize that our hands were still gripped and I flinched, pulling away quickly, about to tuck it in my pocket when I realized I was standing here in boxers. Nothing, but boxers.

I flushed. Alexander must have noticed because he cleared his throat, running a hand through his hair. "Anyway, I best be getting back to camp. It was nice meeting you, Loran Prince."

"Uh, yeah." I nodded slowly. "You, too." I wasn't sure if I should point out that this was private property and he shouldn't be randomly walking onto it. I licked my lower lip unknowingly, reaching up to brush a stray strand of hair back. My hand was caught, though, and the next thing I knew, a soft kiss was being planted atop it. 

"I hope to see you sometime soon. Hopefully before my camping trip is over." He stared at me as if I were possibly the most precious thing he’d ever laid eyed one, and the single look made my heart race. Grey eyes against blue eyes for a single, brief, heart-aching second… and then he was gone. I blinked rapidly, fisting my fingers into my boxers, blushing harder.

I’d just spoken to him half-naked. And wet, I noticed as a drop of water slid from my hair, sliding down my bare shoulder. I exhaled, my shoulders dropping as I turned around, walking back the way I had come. I came up to the house, my eyes landing on the window that lead to the lounge room. The light had been off when I left, but now it was on and shadows were walking down. 

I guess I had to help them fix this ridiculous argument. I clenched my teeth together as I stepped forward, my hand grazing the doorknob. I couldn't allow this family to fall apart. They were all I had left and I loved them. 

I loved them so much.


	25. Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No more drama for a night, sweet dreams and a little bit of reminiscence.

**Loran -**

I stepped back inside the house, making sure to lock the door behind me securely. Didn’t want any unwanted visitors, now did we?

“Loran?”

I glanced behind me, looking down the hallway to see Ike poking his head out of the kitchen doorway. Once his eyes landed on my own he stepped out completely and hurried down toward me, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. “God, you ass, don’t just leave like that.”

I didn’t frown, although I wanted to, and instead hesitantly wrapped my arms around him, giving him a slight squeeze before attempting to pull away. Ike wouldn’t give, though. Sighing, I pressed my head to his shoulder, giving a chaste kiss to his collarbone. Ike breathed out above me, a whoosh of air battering my ear, making me squirm and pull away fully. Ike didn’t stop me this time, but he did hold my shoulders tightly, his eyes searching my face, and I was kind of getting sick of my brothers giving me that look. Like I was about to break.

Huffing, I managed a quiet, “sorry.” A smile tugged at Ike’s lips and it looked like he was about to hug me again but Addison was suddenly there, arms crossed and eyes levelled on me.

“You should be,” he didn’t look happy, but when he reached for me I willingly went to him and Ike let me go. “We’re sorry for arguing, but for Gods-sake, please don’t do that again. You scared the shit out of us, walking out like that.”

I crinkled my nose against his chest, my fingers reaching up to twist into his shirt as he held me tighter, and I apologised again under my breath. Addison squeezed me once more before letting me pull away, and I glanced over his shoulder to see Elliott and Freyne stepping from the bathroom. Elliott, with his arm draped over Freyne’s shoulders, I released a breath, glad they appeared to be back on good terms.

Elliott and Freyne never fought, except for when they did, and when they did it was _terrible_. Almost like watching your mum and dad fight, because out of all my brothers, those were the two who sticked together through it all.

Of course, Addison and Berling were _more_ like my mum and dad, but then came the question of who the mother was. I secretly suspected Addison.

Said man glanced at the clock on the wall, squinting to see it properly. He then turned to Elliott and Freyne who had their heads ducked together and were talking between themselves, secretive and meaningful, and I was still beyond relieved to know that they were okay now-- at least, I hoped.

“It’s almost two, guys. I think it’s definitely bed time.”

Addison’s words reminded me of what Graden had been trying to say in the bathroom, and a sudden rush of anger that disappeared as quickly as it came washed over me. I understood why they listened to Addison, but why wouldn’t they listen to Graden, too? Ninety-nine percent of the time Graden knew what he was saying-- there was only that one percent where he was purposefully being an idiot. It was rare, but it was fun.

At Addison’s words, Freyne cursed, and he turned around, slipping Elliott’s hold, and disappeared back into the bathroom. I blinked, not sure what he was doing, until he came out with his arm around Graden, pulling our droopy-eyed brother gently behind him. I swallowed, wanting to walk over and hug him, but Addison’s hand was on me and part of me was content to stay right here.

Elliott joined Freyne in guiding Graden to the bedroom, but Graden looked as if he was about to fall asleep at any given moment, so Elliott dropped and picked Graden up, an arm beneath his knees and an arm beneath his shoulders. Graden, who would normally protest, I’m sure, just rested his cheek on Elliott’s shoulder, his eyes sliding shut. It made something stir in my gut, my I pushed it down, turning to look up at Addison. Ike shuffled behind me, resting his own palm against my lower back, and I sighed, my eyes fluttering at the comfort of being pressed between both of them.

“Has everybody stopped arguing?” Stopped saying complete and utter nonsense to each other?

"Not exactly." Ike's teeth clicked together as he hooked his arms over my shoulders, draping himself against my back. His weight didn’t bother me at all, if anything it was a comfort. His breath was warm and heavy against my neck as he inhaled, exhaling through words. “But Graden was right, and I’m sorry. We should really be going to bed. A whole lot of shit would have been avoided had we just listened, but you know us Prince boys.” I could imagine Ike rolling his eyes fondly. “We are as stubborn as they come.”

 I opened my mouth to agree, but Addison’s hands, large and comforting, found my waist, and my teeth clicked together as I blinked up at him. Addison smirked down at me, and he leaned down so quickly that I was expecting a kiss, and instantly tensed, shutting my eyes, but Addison brushed his lips to my temple. I opened my eyes slowly, peering up at him through my lashes.

“In the morning,” he whispered, “we’ll sort this out.” He wrapped his arm around my waist tightly, pulling me against him, and Ike huffed, pulling away. “There isn’t much to sort out, though. It was just a bit of nonsense.”

Ike huffed again, “says you.”

Addison glanced at him, but didn’t respond, and I wasn’t sure if he would. Exhaling, I began walking down the hallway, not too sure where I was headed, my own bedroom, their big bedroom, or the bedroom that I assumed was the quads. Thankfully, and unthankfully, I didn’t have to ponder, because the arm around my waist hoisted me and I stifled a squeal as I was brought over a hard, broad shoulder.

“Addison,” I grumbled, but it came out as an undignified whine. My fingers grabbed for something to hold myself, but I came up short and grabbed at skin instead. Addison shuddered and I’d be lying if it wasn’t arousing, but everything else about this situation was _not_ arousing. “I am not a child. You can’t do this anymore--”

“Oh, Lorie,” he tutted, heading down the hallway and up the small staircase. I wasn’t sure if I was disappointed or not to be going to my own bedroom, but I didn’t dwell on it, as Addison jiggled me like the asshole he was. “You’re always going to be my kid brother.”

He pushed against my bedroom door and then unceremoniously dumped me on my bed. I bounced, my cheeks burning as I glared at him, but the glare melted as Addison, the one I grew up with, the playful one, crawled on after me. Leaning back, I held my breath, not sure what to expect because Addison was always unpredictable, but luckily he was also loveable and he loved me and--

“Mind if I send Daiton in?”

The name of the brother who had carelessly spewed hurtful words dampened my mood instantly. Addison huffed, blowing in my face, and I squirmed, laying back in bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I realised how exhausted I was, and my eyes almost shut unwillingly. Fighting to keep them open, I scowled at my older brother, who shuffled off the bed, grabbing my suitcase and moving it to the corner of my bedroom. It was such a brotherly thing to do, and it left my head wheeling for reasons I couldn’t identify.

“Loran?” Addison pestered and I looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. “Daiton? Can I send him in?”

Oh, right. “Do you have to?”

Addison rolled his eyes, “yes.”

He took a seat on the edge of my bed, levelling me with the look he was so good at, leaving my head spinning. I bit into my lower lip, resisting the blush and resisting the urge to turn away. Addison continued to stare at me, until he exhaled.

“You can watch cartoons in the morning, if you like.”

I snorted. "What am I, five?"

Addison's lips quirked. "I'd prefer less sarcasm."

I rolled my eyes, my heart thumping as laughter bubbled up my throat. "Sorry."

Addison chuckled alongside me, his hair falling into his eyes. He leaned forward, pressing a chaste kiss to my temple and then he pulled away and I longed to reach for him, to pull him down and demand he stay and sleep beside me. "I'll see you in the morning, Lorie. If you need us, you know where to find us."

I refused to be hurt by their leaving me out, because it must be weird for them, almost as much as me. I _was_ their kid brother, and it would possibly take them a little while to get used to sleeping with me. I could deal.

“Night,” I murmured, sitting up and reaching for him. Addison frowned at me, but when I grabbed his arm and tugged he leaned forward. I think he was as shocked as I was as I pressed my lips to his. I blamed sleep deprivation. Realising what I was doing, I pulled back, but Addison caught me, bringing me back again and touching his lips to mine. I barely suppressed a moan, leaning away to settle back down.

Addison smirked, his lips a swollen sort of red, “Good night.”

He didn’t stick around, instead standing and disappearing out the door. I listened intently as his footsteps disappeared down the staircase, but then it wasn’t long afterward that heavier feet made their way up. I bit my lower lip, shuffling under my blankets as Daiton stuck his head past my door, his hair ruffled.

He grinned at me, and I attempted to resist, but a smile worked itself onto my face. Daiton took it as an invitation as he stepped into my bedroom, a hand reaching up to rub at the back of his neck as he settled on the end of my bed. I watched him carefully, and Daiton watched me the same way, until he sighed.

"Hey, Loran."

I didn’t roll my eyes, but I wanted to. Instead I shuffled over and tapped the side of my bed. Daiton crinkled his nose, but accepted my invitation and moved up the bed, settling against the headboard beside me, sliding his legs under my blanket. His arm moved, resting around my shoulders, and I leaned against him, my eyes beginning to droop and it took a lot of effort to keep them open.

“I want to apologise,” Daiton spoke carefully, and I understood why. Apologizing was a rare and very difficult thing for Daiton. I felt rather than heard him swallow. “I was way out of line--”

“You were,” I wasn’t ashamed to cut him off. “Have you apologised to Hunter?”

Daiton pulled a face. "I damn well tried, but he’s gone and locked himself in his room.”

His words made me snap my head up to look at him, sleep be damned. “What?”

Daiton looked down at me, frowning, until his face cleared up and he pressed a rough kiss to my temple. “No, no, he’s all right. Kerrick and Jackson are with him, and I’m pretty sure Ike is in there now, too. It’s all right.”

I continued to watch him carefully, searching for any hint of a lie, but when I saw none I gave a curt nod, snuggling against his side again. Daiton tightened his arm around me, and I slid down the bed, attempting to drag him down with me. Daiton chuckled, the sound making his entire body vibrate and I stifled a sound of surprise at feeling my head move on his shoulder. Daiton laid down beside me, hooking both his arms around me, and I pressed against him, tucking my head beneath his chin.

"Daiton." 

"Yeah?"

"Can you, uh, stay in here tonight? Please? I mean, you can say no, but--"

"Of course I can." His answer was immediate, quicker than I anticipated. I thought he'd be hesitant - this _was_ Daiton we were talking about. He must have caught onto my thoughts because I felt his neck burn and he cleared his throat. "I mean, I don't see why not. I guess I can."

I grinned up at him. "Thank you." With the words came the wave of exhaustion I’d been attempting to stave off. I allowed it to consume me this time, and as darkness clouded my eyes, sleep engulfed me. With his heartbeat against my ear, his arms around me, I knew this sleep would be consistent of dreams and only dreams.  

I dreamed of when my brothers would walk with me to and from school. We attended one of those K-12 schools, so when I started prep at the mere age of five, Addison was only in year ten. Or, as my brothers joked nowadays, ‘too cool for school.’ I liked to roll my eyes at them.

My first day, though, I’d been scared shitless – although, at that young age I’d probably use a different word. I’d been terrified, but Addison promised me I would make a friend, promised me I would have fun. Promised me I would love school.

He was right at first, I made one friend. Blake Willow.

Addison, Berling and Chester would take turns tossing me in the air, my squeals the only thing keeping our other brothers close by. It had been a pretty spectacular year. Quite possibly the best year of my life, which was a little sad, actually.

I could also remember the time mum took me to the beach with Kerrick. I had been roughly about seven, and Kerrick had been about ten. Graden had joined us for the fun of it, and we’d spent the whole day digging up shells and building sandcastles. These were the good memories, the sweet childhood memories. The ones with mum.

 _Mum_.

I hadn’t spoken to her for two years now. She hadn’t been able to call me, because I haven’t had a phone. I missed her voice. Hell, I missed  _her_.

I missed her so much.

The dream twisted, and suddenly Bill’s face was playing across my mind.

He’d been a great father when need be, but now I couldn’t help but like a burden whenever he and I were around one another. Whilst growing up, he’d dump me off with mum and take the others out to the beach, or to see a movie. Even now, there wasn’t anything stopping him from taking me with him to see Aunt Tracey, it’s not like we didn’t have the money for flights, yet he left me here. I’d been dumped off like excess baggage.

I guess it didn’t bother me as much as it could’ve, because I was with my brothers, but… but how was I supposed to feel loved by the man I called my father if he didn’t treat me right? Of course he loved me, he was my father, but… but loving didn’t necessarily mean liking. I just wished he would care a little bit more.

But who am I kidding, right? That’d never happen.

Bill only had time for the sons of his that weren’t screw ups. Not for damaged goods. Not for suicidal idiots like me.


	26. Chapter Twenty Four

**Loran -**

When I was younger and living with my brothers, I was often woken by the loud pounding of feet up and down the hallway. Sometimes hushed voices that were actually a lot louder than they thought would join in, and sometimes, although it became rarer and rarer as I grew older, larger, muscular bodies would slam my bedroom door open and jump on me.

My sleep was _always_ disturbed. Rarely was I able to wake up naturally.

However, when they left, I thought _yes, time to sleep_. But Bill woke me instead. He was a lot simpler, yet more frustrating. Casually swinging the door open, stepping into my room, gracefully leaning across me and _bam_! My curtains were opened and the window was lifted and I was surrounded by light and wind and Bill’s distant voice scolding me for sleeping in.

And, on the odd occasion Bill wasn’t home, my awful, loud, beeping alarm clock – courtesy of Chester – would thoroughly wake me up.

But today… This morning… wow.

Somebody’s warm breath caressed my cheek, giving me chills up my spine. Somebody’s body was against mine, flush and warm, and I didn’t want to move. My fingers, normally frozen and tucked between my thighs in the morning, were curled tightly around a pair of boxers and that was what made me jolt.

Boxers?

I blinked my eyes open, slowly. Awareness was casually seeping into my body, and I leaned up on my elbow, blinking past the blur and squinting at the body stretched out beside me--

With a yelp I recoiled, retracting my hand, and ever so gracefully I slipped from the bed. Cursing, I grabbed the blankets, hauling myself back up so I could kneel and stare down at the person, the _brother_ , in my bed.

I stared at Daiton’s sleeping face for a moment longer, noticing that he appeared much younger when he was sleeping, his mouth open a little. He was twenty-five, not old by my account, but with the stress his life had given him--

_Yes, and you’ve helped oh so much, haven’t you?_

\--I was surprised he wasn’t old and grey.

I slowly lifted my palm, touching his cheek, drawing my knuckles across his cheekbone and then, after a moment of hesitance, I slid a finger across his lips. He didn’t stir, and a small buzz of pain began in my stomach.

Even when he was sleeping, he didn’t want me.

I sighed, pulling my hand away and watching him for a moment longer before frowning, sliding from the bed and pulling on a jacket. I was about to leave the room, when it suddenly hit me.

Daiton was in _my_ bed.

I glanced over my shoulder, my frown deepening. Daiton, obviously beginning to stir now, stretched against the blankets before turning over. I watched it happen, almost in slow-motion, as the blanket Daiton was under became tangled around his legs and, after attempting to kick himself free with his eyes shut, slipped from the bed.

He landed with a loud thump and I barely managed to stifle a laugh as he sat up, blinking and looking around. My grin fell as soon as his eyes landed on me, and I brought my hands together, squeezing gently. Daiton quirked an eyebrow at me, and heat bloomed into my cheeks – not because of the look, but because it reminded me of last night… of what must have been a dream.

Suddenly embarrassed, I slowly made my way to the bed, taking a hesitant seat on the end as Daiton picked himself up, sitting next to me, but a little ways off.

Clearing my throat, I managed to find my voice. “What were you doing in my bed?”

I watched Daiton frown through my peripheral vision, and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his palms. His abs, rock hard and devious, barely lost form, and it took everything I had to not get lost in them, instead forcing myself to maintain eye contact.

Until both his eyebrows jumped and he appeared confused. “What do you mean?”

I averted my gaze, dragging the blanket from my bed across my shoulders. “I mean, what were you doing in my bed? Did you sleep in here?” The thought made me scowl. “I don’t need to be watched twenty-four-seven, Daiton. I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

Daiton’s confused expression deepened and he shuffled closer to me. I shuffled away, and Daiton’s face cleared as he rested his palm on my shoulder, stopping me from moving any further away.

“Loran, do you remember last night?”

Of course I remembered last night. Those dreams tended to stick with me for quite a while. I wasn’t goig to say that, though. Instead I shrugged, turning away.

“I don’t know.” Which was somewhat true. Besides of my dream, nothing else really stood out. “What happened last night?”

Daiton cleared his throat, making a sound that I couldn’t identify. Tilting my head, I glanced at him. He was staring right back at me, with such an intensity that I had to tuck the blanket further around me and dig my nails into my thighs. Now was _not_ the time to be turned on.

“Um, your birthday?” Daiton pressed. “Does that-- we watched _The Lion King_?”

I blinked, peeing up at him. _The Lion King_? You mean… that wasn’t part of the dream?

“Yes… but…” I licked my lips, staring hard at the floor in front of me. It seemed I was having a very hard time separating dreams from reality.

Daiton stood up, offering me a tight-lipped smile that looked all types of wrong on his face. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, about to ask him where he was going, but he left before I managed, closing the door gently behind him. I sighed, sliding along the bed so I could rest against the headboard. I pulled the blanket from around my shoulders across my lap, relishing in the smell of it.

Just like Daiton.

Smiling, I balled it up in my fists, bringing it up to my face where I inhaled, deeply. God, it was amazing. Leaning back against the headboard, I let my knees fall open, dragging the blanket further up my lap to block my waist and lower from sight, and then I dipped my fingers past the elastic of my shorts.

With a soft moan I enveloped my shaft, dragging my fingers along it slowly. I thought back to the dream. How intense. No dream had ever felt so real before and it left me reeling. I squeezed my eyes shut as I slid my hand further around myself, before pumping slowly.

Slow was not the way to go. I preferred it rough and quick so I didn’t have to think about it, so I didn’t need to play in my mind what I was truly missing out on. That is, my brothers touch.

I inhaled slowly, picking up speed, feeling myself begin to slicken up with pre-come. I ran my thumb along my tip, pushing in a little, and a loud moan slipped past my lips.

_Shit._

_What the hell am I doing?_

Swallowing, I hastily pulled my hand away, pushing my thighs together. My hand I rubbed against my blanket, trying to not think of the prospect of one of my brothers sleeping in here again. As I squeezed my thighs together, I silently prayed for my hard-on to go down. It hurt, squished as it was, but dammit. Dammit, what the hell was I thinking?

Daiton could be back any second and if he found in me in that position--

Thankfully – or not – I didn’t have to think about. My bedroom door opened, nobody bothering to knock. Addison, Daiton and Kerrick entered, the latter slower and almost hesitant, but I was relieved to see him.

Hooking my arms around my knees, fully aware I was straining against my boxers and my cheeks were lit up like a Christmas tree, I scanned the three of them.

“Morning Lorie,” Addison greeted, settling himself down on the edge of my bed. “Daiton said you don’t remember much of last night’s adventure.”

My brow furrowed. Adventure?

“Um…” I blinked, suddenly realising. “Oh! Yes, I remember Alexander.”

Addison frowned. “What?”

Daiton, adopting a similar look to Addison, crossed his arms over his chest. “Who?”

Kerrick, standing by the door, grimaced.

I caught Addison’s eye. “Alexander?”

Addison raised his eyebrows at me, squinting. “Alexander?”

Addison glanced back at me, his blue eyes digging into mine. "Alexander who?"

I mirrored his look. “Um… Williams? I think… Alexander Williams?”

Addison still appeared confused, and he looked to Daiton, who shrugged. Addison turned back to me, leaning forward to rest his hand against my arm. I blinked in surprise at that, until he pulled me forward and I hastily grabbed for the blanket, keeping it from sliding from my lap as I was forced to lean on my knees, closer to Addison. He pressed his palm to my forehead, and I rolled my eyes.

Pulling away, I crossed my legs, bunching the blanket in my lap – silently thankful this entire discussion was making me limp.

“I’m not sick, Addison. I’ve told you. His name is Alexander Williams. He and his sister were the one who got lost in the garden last night?”

Addison blinked and then his face cleared. "Oh-- Wait, what?"

"Addison, I just sai--"

"No, not that. When did you see him?"

"Last night?"

Daiton rolled his eyes in exasperation. "When, what time?"

"Um--" I flushed a little as I tried to remember back to last night. It seemed the dream was all that wanted to come back to me. “Uh, you know what… I don’t actually remember? It must have been after--” the dream. But… but I hadn’t woken up?

"After?" Addison prompted, sharing a look with Daiton. Kerrick frowned, stepping away from the door.  

"After, uh, a dream... or something."

"You mean the nightmare?" Kerrick asked, his voice soft, under-used. 

I tilted my head at him, confused. "How do you know I had a nightmare? My nightmare was a part of my dream--" I blinked.  _Oh_.

Oh, so maybe the dream hadn't been a dream. Maybe I hadn't managed to dream all that up, because it had all happened. In real life. In the flesh. I swallowed, suddenly feeling shaky and my throat swelled with unwanted emotion. 

Addison stared at me for a moment longer before turning to Daiton. "What happened after he went to bed?"

I watched as his lips moved. The lips which had been on mine only hours ago. Lips that were demanding and _hot_. Lips that--  _Oh, shut up Loran._

"Nothing." Daiton shook his head, shrugging. "I just went to sleep next to him, nothing happened."

"Loran," Addison's voice called for me, pulling me from my small panic.

_It hadn’t been a dream._

Oh, shit, here came the erection _again_. I almost cried. Swallowing, I caught Addison’s eye, and his were soft as he looked at me.

"Did your dream involve some, uh, incest--?"

"It wasn't a dream." I blurted.

Nobody moved, and my heart pounded. I inhaled sharply, holding it as Addison glanced to Daiton, wo stared right back. Kerrick stood by the wall, his cheeks red and his fingers twitching.

I waited for somebody to move. Nobody did.

And then Addison, with a quirk of his lips and a low chuckle, slid across the bed, his large palm reaching up to touch my cheek. His thumb, calloused and rough, slid along my cheek bone, and he nodded.

“You’re right.  It wasn’t a dream.”

I licked my lips. That was… difficult to believe.

“Prove it.”

The words left my lips before I could stop them. I silently cursed myself. Prove it. How could they prove it? What if they regretted it? What if it was a one-time thing? What if they realised they didn’t want me--

Soft lips touched mine and I jolted. Blinking rapidly, I reached up, my hands trembling and I silently cursed them, gripping Addison’s shoulders, curling them his shirt. Addison welcomed the touch, his own arms sliding around my waist and pulling me up onto his lap.

I gasped, my thighs sliding on either side of his and the blanket fell away. I flushed darkly, my fingers becoming worse as I gripped the back of shirt, tighter. I was worried I’d rip it, but then Addison’s large palm touched me through my shorts and I made a noise, biting against his lower lip.

Addison made his own noise of surprise, his lips pulling from mine and I squeezed my hands into tight fists against his back, urging the shaking to stop. I panted, hard, and Addison’s eyes, cool and steady, met mine as his fingers slid beneath the elastic around my waist. I inhaled sharply as he grasped me and I attempted to slide away, feeling all types of exposed.

“We appear to have a visitor.”

Oh dear God.

“A-Addison,” my voice squeaked as he squeezed me. The shaking in my hands began to slide through my whole body and I bit into my lower lip.

Addison’s lips were back on mine, and I arched against him. His hand was warm, wrapped tightly around me, and I saw stars for a moment. The shaking moved to my thighs and I had to pull from Addison’s lips once more. He stared at me, and I squeezed my eyes shut, squeezing my eyes shut as I leaned heavily against him, my head on his shoulder.

Addison’s tugging didn’t relent, and I could feel everything inside me building. I was still embarrassed. This was an embarrassing situation. Addison was literally helping me get off, he was giving me a hand job, and Daiton and Kerrick were watching and my hands were trembling and I was _losing_ it--

I bit into Addison’s shoulder as I released suddenly. It shook me, taking me by surprise, and I gasped loudly against Addison’s marked skin. Addison’s mouth pressed to my ear, his breath warm and moist. I shivered, wrapping my arms around him tightly.

“Proof enough?”

I shuddered, nodding against his shoulder. Addison exhaled, pressing a kiss to my ear, and he helped me slide form his lap. I stood, shaky and nervous in front of him, and Daiton came up behind me, hooking his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulders.

“You might want to change.”

I licked my lips, nodding, and Kerrick, bless him, stepped up beside me, handing me a pair of fresh boxers and sweats. Thanking him with a smile, I took the clothes and stood, watching the three of them carefully until Kerrick cleared his throat and nodded to the door.

Addison and Daiton both raised surprised eyebrows but followed. Addison stopped before closing the door. “We’re in the kitchen, come down when you’re changed.” The door clicked behind him.  

I took a deep breath, making sure they were gone, before dropping my ruined boxers and tugging on the clean ones, following hastily with the sweats. I kicked the soiled shorts to the side, not sure I wanted to take them down for fear of being caught by one of my other brothers.

However, I doubt they wouldn’t know by now.

I slowly followed the loud voices from my bedroom to the kitchen. I did my best to not think about what had just happened, and instead tucked my hands into my sweatpants pockets. I squeezed them into fists, and stopped by the kitchen doorway, taking a moment to compose myself.

I peered into the kitchen and dining area before entering, not too sure what I was expecting to see – my brothers naked and having an orgy, maybe?

That’s definitely what I didn’t see. Instead it looked like they were divided.

Kerrick was with Hunter, Ike and Jackson – as I expected. They were standing at the window looking out across the garden and into the forest. They were talking softly between themselves… or, Hunter, Ike and Jackson were while Kerrick just stood there, staring up at the morning sky.

Graden was sitting at the table, close to the quads, and Freyne sat across from him. Freyne appeared anxious, and was constantly lifting his gaze to catch Graden’s but then turning away when Graden refused to look back at him.

Elliott, who had originally been standing in the kitchen with Chester, made his way to the table, pulling a seat out beside Freyne and draping his arm heavily across Freyne’s shoulders. Freyne glanced at him, and Elliott pressed their faces closes, whispering something to which Freyne shook his head.

Chester, who stood in the kitchen, was at the oven, cooking something on the stove top and Berling was leaning against the kitchen counter, deep in discussion with Addison. Daiton sat by himself, his eyes on Graden, too, but he didn’t move from his position beside Berling.

It was normal, yet… not.

My eyes were drawn to the quads again as Ike leaned forward, accepting a kiss from Hunter, who then moved and kissed Jackson and Kerrick. It made my heart momentarily stutter.

So it was real. It was all real.

I felt… oddly detached. It was strange. The one thing I’d always wanted was finally within my grasp and… and it was extremely _odd_.

My brothers loved me as much as I loved them and I was happy. I was so, so happy but-- but it was strange and I couldn’t--

I couldn’t think about it. Shaking my head, I stepped into the kitchen.

My presence dragged everybody’s eyes, and my stomach coiled with discomfort. I’d never had everybody’s attention on me when I hadn’t done something wrong. This would be the first time.

Nobody said anything for a moment, but then Chester walked across the kitchen. I watched him warily, unsure of his intention, but then he reached up, his hand taking the back of my neck and pulling me forward. I stumbled, but Chester caught me. Or, more, his lips caught me.

I blinked in surprise as his lips touched mine. My first instinct was to pull away, because this was foreign and I still couldn’t believe it was real, but Chester pulled away himself, the kiss only brief. He smiled down at me, his palm still at the back of my neck, squeezing gently.

I stared up at him, our eyes attached for a long moment, before his smile dropped to something gentler.

“Good morning.” He released me and stepped away, and I staggered for a moment. My attention was still on him, on his back, as he returned to the stove, but then a hand was in mine and I glanced to Graden. I hadn’t even seen him stand up, but now he was here, his hand in mine, so soft, so sweet.

He tugged me gently, asking me to follow him, and I did. I took a seat beside him at the table, happily keeping hold of his hand as Addison, Berling and Daiton all came to sit around the table opposite us. Berling on the other side of Elliott and Daiton and Addison on the other side of Freyne. It made a supposedly normal situation feel very interrogatory.

“So,” Addison drawled, and my attention was immediately caught by his tone. “Tell us about Alexander?”

Graden’s fingers squeezed mine gently, making me glance at him, but then I returned my attention to Addison. Addison who, like Daiton, Elliott, Berling and even Freyne, was watching me intently. Like I’d done something wrong.

“I don’t want to,” I murmured, breaking eye contact to stare down at Graden and I’s intertwined fingers. Graden offered another squeeze, one I interpreted as encouragement.

I returned my gaze to Addison as his eyes flickered across our hands, and something passed across his face but I wasn’t sure what. When he lifted his gaze and caught mine, he offered a smile. A genuine smile.

“Tell me? Please?”

Ike scoffed from the window, the noise loud in the otherwise silent kitchen. It immediately caught Addison’s attention, along with everybody else’s, but I didn’t look at him. Ike didn’t appear to mind the attention, though.

“Why do you feel the need to _push_?”

Graden sighed beside me, his hand giving a final squeeze before he untangled our fingers and slid his chair back. I turned, watching as he walked to Ike, who was glowering at the men opposite me. Graden hooked his arms around Ike’s waist, pulling him close, and their heads went together, fair hair and darker hair combining for a moment. When Graden pulled away, he took Ike’s hand and pushed the back glass door, taking him out onto the patio where they disappeared around the side of the house.

When they were gone, Kerrick walked across the room, taking Graden’s spot beside me, and Hunter and Jackson followed, standing behind our chairs. I welcomed their presence for a moment before looking back to Addison, who was watching me again.

“Loran?”

I licked my lips. “Well,” I began, uncertain how to word it. “I ran into him a little way down the driveway?” Addison nodded and I took it as encouragement. Kerrick’s hand, softer than Graden’s, and with nicely clipped nails that he always kept clean, found mine, and he held it tight. I swallowed, praying he wouldn’t feel the shaking, because that was the worst thing.

Graden, while observant, was thinking too much this morning to notice the shake, but Kerrick had always been aware of me, always been certain of my mood and always known of the little things.

I didn’t want this to worry him.

Swallowing, I ducked my head. “He was only asking me questions, nothing else. We spoke for a while, that’s it.”

“Questions?” Addison’s tone invited me to continue, but I shook my head.

“Yes, questions.” I lifted my head, and Addison raised an eyebrow at me, but I shrugged. “Nothing too personal.”

Addison hummed under his breath. “Right.” My eyebrows jumped. Was that all he was going to say? If so, I was definitely surprised-- “I don’t want you hanging out with Alexander, all right?”

Um… what?

I snorted before I could stop myself. Addison didn’t appear impressed, in fact neither did Daiton or Berling, even Chester passing me a less than amused glance from the kitchen. Elliott and Freyne were ignoring us, Elliott too busy talking hastily into Freyne’s ear and Freyne scowling, shrugging him off, but Elliott kept pushing. I frowned at that for a moment, before Addison cleared his throat and I looked back up at him.

“Excuse me?”

“Excuse me?” I echoed.

Addison didn’t say anything more, and I sighed, leaning forward.

“Addison, I’m my own person. If I want to see Alexander, I’m going to see him.” Nobody was taking away my privilege of making friends. I’d not had a true friendship since Blake… and Blake was not something I spoke about.

Addison just exhaled slowly, standing up and walking into the kitchen to help Chester plate breakfast. “You don’t know him, Loran.”

“So? You don’t know anybody until they become your friend!”

“Or boyfriend.”

I scowled, looking down at the table. This conversation seemed to be hitting nothing but a wall. Hadn’t everything last night, everything this morning, meant the role of ‘boyfriend’ was taken? Or had I misread everything?

A sinking feeling settled in my stomach, but I attempted to ignore, holding onto my bubbling anger. Addison, from his position in the kitchen, stared across at me.

“Loran, I don’t want to see you getting hurt.” Addison picked up a plate. “We don’t know what he’s capable of--”

“He’s capable of being nice?” I stood up, still holding Kerrick’s hand. Addison paid me no mind as he placed a plate down in front of me, returning to grab another. I stared down at the hot cooked breakfast – eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, bacon and sausage. I frowned at the tomato, sliding it across to the plate beside mine when Addison put it down in front of Kerrick.

Kerrick didn’t say anything, and I didn’t expect him to. Addison brought another couple of plates over, and then Berling stood up, offering his own help. When all the plates were down and Chester had removed his apron to join us, Kerrick tugged me back down beside him, and Graden and Ike came back inside.

Once Addison had slid back into a chair, he levelled a simple stare at me.

“Don’t fight me on this, Lorie.”

I blinked, the scowl dropping a little, but not a lot. “I’m not fighting you, I’m telling you. You can’t decide who I bring into my life.”

Addison didn’t say anything more, and as Ike, Graden, Jackson and Hunter sat down, he offered a shrug, changing the subject. “I was thinking we could go and show you your present after breakfast?”

 Nobody said anything for a moment, and I watched as Graden slid his bacon and sausage to Berling’s plate, but not saying anything. Berling didn’t break his cutting and eating, but I watched as his elbow imperceptibly brushed Graden’s own. It was a slight touch, barely there, but it touched me.

“That sounds like a good idea.” Ike spoke, although his voice was stiff and he sounded like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Addison, seemingly surprised by Ike’s contribution, offered a short nod, but his eyes spoke volumes of his gratitude. Ike didn’t see it, though, instead picking at his food, on the end of the table between Graden and Kerrick.

“I was also thinking we could call dad?” Addison leaned back then, looking up at the clock on the wall. “He’ll be waiting for his connecting flight to New Zealand, so he should be able to talk.”

That made me go cold. I didn’t want to talk to Bill. These past two years hadn’t been the best, we’d hardly progressed as father and son, and he felt more like a stranger than a family member. It seemed he was barely home, there to wake me up in the morning, and there to say goodnight as I trudged off to bed, but in the middle of the day, when I was working on school work, he was gone, doing his own job.

Of course he’d _tried_. But he hadn’t tried enough.

“Sounds good, Addi,” Elliott spoke around a mouthful of bacon. He grinned at Chester, nudging Freyne. “This is amazing, Chester.”

Chester’s cheeked tinged pink, but barely, and he cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

Elliott beamed. Freyne murmured his own thanks, but his voice was low. I almost missed it. Elliott pulled a face, shuffling his chair closer to his, pressing their shoulders together. Normally, this would make Freyne smile and lean heavily against Elliott, but Freyne barely moved.

Swallowing, I caught Addison’s eye across the table. “I don’t want to call Bill.”

Addison quirked an eyebrow, but it wasn’t he who spoke. It was Berling, who had glanced at me, his dark eyes narrowing.

“Why not?”

I turned my gaze to him. “Do I need a reason?”

“Yes,” He answered around a mouthful of eggs. “Yes, Loran, you need a reason. He’s our _father_.”

I shrugged helplessly, swirling my fork around my plate until the egg yolk separated from the egg whites. It looked inedible now, but my stomach growled at me at the mere thought of rejecting food. With a set jaw, I lifted the fork to my lips again, sliding a piece of bacon around on it.  

“Loran.” Addison pressed, his voice firm. I shrugged, dropping my fork.

“I just don’t want to.”

“Did something happen before he dropped you off?”

You mean despite the bland words, the lack of trust and the surprise visit of the boy who made me doubt friendship? No, nothing happened.

“No, I just don’t want to call him.” Nobody argued with me this time.

Breakfast went on rather quietly. Nobody spoke, nobody seemed to know what to say. I wasn’t sure if it surprised me or not. Probably not. Last night, if my memory served me right, had been intense. And not because of the sexual tension, but other tensions.

Sighing, I forced myself to swallow a mouthful of the eggs and bacon, followed by mushrooms. I didn’t touch the sausage until the end, cutting it up into tiny pieces. When I was finished, I pushed my plate away, and Chester, who was already finished, began clearing the table.

Kerrick stood quickly, taking plates to help, and Chester offered a kind smile. Ike finished second last, his plate empty except for the mushrooms. Graden, who was still trudging along, stopped, leaving two of his three halves of tomato, and Chester sighed, touching his shoulder.

“Gray, you handed your meat off, I need you to at least eat that. Please?” He added, giving Graden’s shoulder a gentle nudge. Graden swallowed, but nodded, reaching for one half. He nibbled on it as Chester headed into the kitchen, placing the plates beside the sink, next to Kerrick’s own stack.

“So, the tr-- erm, Lorie’s present?” Jackson spoke, the first thing I’d heard him say all morning, and he lifted his head, grinning. It wasn’t one of his real grins, though.

“Yes.” Hunter hooked his arm around the back of Jackson’s chair. “Let’s go.”

Addison lifted his head, and Berling too looked across the table at the two quads. They didn’t say anything, though.

“Yeah, in a minute, okay?” Elliott stood, nudging Freyne, who lifted his head and eyed him carefully. Elliott non-discreetly tilted his head to the kitchen doorway and Freyne sighed, but stood. When he was standing, Elliott took a tight hold of his hand, pulling him gently from the kitchen and into the hallway. A door opened and closed and then there was silence.

There was a sudden snort from the end of the table, and everybody’s attention snapped to Jackson, who attempted to stifle a grin but failed. Daiton raised an eyebrow and Berling leaned against the table.

“Is something funny?”

Jackson attempted to straighten his expression, but he snorted again and hastily covered his mouth. Addison leaned his elbow against the table, levelling an unreadable stare at Jackson, who snorted again.

“Sorry, sorry,” Jackson managed. “It’s just--” he snorted again and I felt my own lips twitching. Even though I didn’t know what he was laughing at, and I could see Graden, Hunter, Ike and Kerrick being similarly impacted. Jackson shook his head. “Sorry.”

“No, no, please elaborate.” Chester pressed, resting his hands on his hips as he stood at the end of the table.

Jackson offered a bashful grin. “It’s just… Freyne crosses his heart and swears he’s a ‘Top’ but let’s be serious, he’s waiting for someone to top his ass.”

His words drew a chuckle from Daiton, and I watched a smile unwillingly slide onto Addison’s face. Berling pressed his mouth into his hands, but his eyes spoke volumes, and Chester turned away, but I saw the hint of a smile grace his lips before he did.

I smiled, a small rush of relief hitting me, and I tucked my almost-steady palms into my lap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case it got a little confusing when they were sitting around the table. The table is a square and seats three per side, so, Loran was seated beside Kerrick and on the edge of the table, on the side next to him was Chester, Jackson, Hunter, then Addison, Daiton, Freyne, then Elliott, Berling and Graden, and Ike was on the other side of Graden. I hope this makes sense? 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Hopefully the next chapter will be out sooner, rather than later!


	27. Chapter Twenty-Five

**Loran -**

The rays from the sun lazily slid past the tree leaves, warming my body at odd intervals. I was sitting on the back patio, my legs stretched in front of me along the wood as I leaned back against my elbows. I was sent outside, surprise surprise, so everybody else could do the washing up.

But I suspected they were having a little chat, too.

I titled my head over my shoulder, watching as they walked past the windows, back and forth from the table to the sink and then from the sink to the cupboards. Graden was elbow deep in soap suds, Daiton sitting on the bench beside him as he dried the dishes passed to him and Jackson next to him, taking the clean cutlery and sliding it into the draw while Hunter stacked the plates up on the other bench, so Berling could take them and put them away.

Freyne and Elliott had returned through the kitchen doorway, neither saying anything as they sat at the table. That was when I’d been sent out.

“Go and enjoy the sun.”

_Because I was pale? Because my skin was gross and you needed me to fix it since we were supposedly in a relationsh--_

I stopped that train of thought straight away. There was no point in dwelling on it. I didn’t understand, but I also knew more than I had before. Watching my brothers now, I saw what I’d always over-looked. And… and I was part of that?

Addison was slowly making his way around to Kerrick, Jackson, Ike, Hunter and Graden, hooking his arm around their waist and pressing his lips to their ear to say something. The usual response was for them to turn, to wrap their arms around his neck and hold tight for a moment. Ike was hesitant, though. As was Graden.

Kerrick was placid, and after releasing Addison he moved around to Berling, Chester, Daiton, and then kissed Freyne and Elliott’s cheeks. It was sweet and left me feeling warm all over. Jackson stayed beside Daiton, but I could see Daiton’s arm wrapping loosely around his waist, and Hunter was caught my Berling, who gave him a rough hug and rougher kiss.

That left me feeling much more than warm and I had to turn away.

I leaned back, staring up at the light blue sky, not a cloud in sight, and I sighed. How peaceful. Why couldn’t I live here?

_Oh… but would they want me to live here? Was that something they were considering? Would Bill let me go? Probably not._

I licked my lips, shutting my eyes. God, what if this was just for now and as soon as I left my brothers never looked at me again? Never _called_ me again? What if last night was just out of the blue, what if they didn’t mean it--

A pair of soft lips touched mine and I startled. I sat up, blinking my eyes open, and Jackson grinned at me, sitting back on his heels. I frowned at him, having not heard him come out, and slowly lifted my fingers to my tingling lips.

“Did you just--”

“You looked so gorgeous, I needed to.”

Startled, my cheeks instantly went up in flames. I cleared my throat, dropping my head, but Jackson’s hands, his clipped and painted fingers, caught my chin, lifting my head back up so he could touch his lips to mine once more. I inhaled sharply, my eyes instinctively closing and Jackson’s other hand lifted, his fingers curling around the back of my neck.

I pressed into the touch, bringing my own hands up to grab the front of his shirt, and he chuckled. I opened my eyes, thinking I’d done something wrong, but Jackson’s own eyes sparkled with such adoration that my breath was momentarily gone. Tears pricked my eyes, and I ducked my head, blinking them away as I pushed myself to my feet. He followed, catching my hand before I turned away, drawing me into a hug.

“I love you, Lorie.”

I held my breath. Jackson didn’t say anything more, only dragging his fingers through my hair before he let me go and I stood in front of him, intrigued by the ground and beet red. We stood for a long moment until the others joined us, and Berling’s arm, long and muscular hooked around my neck.

“Come on, then.” His voice, low and teasing in my ear, made my lips twitch. I followed his pull, dropping off the patio and walking beside him as we headed into the bush. I was vaguely aware of the following footsteps behind me, but it was difficult to think of anything other than Berling’s very hard, very strong body beside mine.

We were three minutes into the walk when Berling’s arm around my shoulder squeezed me to his side and I glanced up at him. He smiled down at me, his eyes crinkling. He stopped walking, drawing me to a halt beside him, turning me to face him. My stomach cramped with sudden worry, but his smile dispelled it.

“Want a piggy back ride?”

My eyes widened and my teeth sank into my lower lip. A… a piggy back ride? I swallowed, my mouth suddenly feeling very dry as I looked at Berling, his hard shoulders, muscular physique. He continued to smile at me, and that encouraged my nod. My fingers clenched and unclenched by my side, their imperceptible shake becoming more vigorous, and Berling abruptly reached for them. I opened my mouth, ready to protest any questions away, but he didn’t say anything, only turned, squatting, helping me onto his back. .

I didn’t question it, only clambered onto his back, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly. My shaking fingers clenched each other and I begged for them to _stop_ before I released them and gripped his shoulders instead.

Berling still didn’t comment. He walked ahead of everybody else, taking us past the tall trees and down around to the lake. My heart rose in my throat at the sight. The morning sun gave the lake a sparkle, and it was gorgeous. Everything about this place was gorgeous.

I could be so happy here.

“Lor,” Berling spoke, his voice low and gentle as he trudged down to the mud by the lake. I gave his waist a squeeze with my thighs, and leant my chin onto his shoulder, humming quietly in his ear. “Are you okay?”

His words made me frown, but I answered right away.  

“Yes.”

Berling continued walking, and I clung to his back like a dignified monkey. I clenched my jaw, hooking my legs tighter around his waist and easing the shake out of my hands as we disappeared around a tree, still staying right next to the lake, though. We lost sight of our following brothers and it surprised me that Berling and I had managed to get so far away from then. I didn’t expect Addison to let me out of his sight, and God knew all of my brothers were fit and therefore quite capable of keeping up with us, but this… it almost felt planned.

I resisted rolling my eyes, quite use to their ridiculous plots and whatnots.

It wasn’t for another minute or so until Berling began talking again, his voice low, only for my ears – not that there was anybody around to eavesdrop.

“I only ask because you’re my little brother and I’ve not seen you in years.”

I nodded slowly, accepting his words. He was right. They hadn’t seen me, but I’d always been under the impression they didn’t _want_ to.

“I worry, Loran.” He murmured, his hands sliding under my thighs to hoist me higher. “We all do.”

I swallowed, feeling my heart beginning its rapid pounding, and my hands beginning their stupid-- _stupid_ shaking. I silently cursed them, twisting my fingers into Berling’s shirt tighter, hoping he wouldn’t notice as I found my voice.

“You don’t need to worry.” I turned my cheek to his shoulder, my mouth against his neck so I could inhale his scent. It left my reeling and I closed my eyes in bliss. “I’m fine.”

Berling’s shoulders pulled taut beneath my fingers, and he responded instantly, tone almost vicious.

“Are you, though?”

I inhaled sharply, my breathing hitching as I lifted my head. My body instinctively attempted to pull away from him, until I remembered I was on his back and I would have to stay here. I took a moment to calm my rapidly beating heart, and slowly unclenched my trembling fingers.

“Of… of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Berling hesitated, slowing to a stop. I waited patiently, thighs tight around his waist to keep me steady as I withdrew my hands, tucking them under my armpits. Berling finally sighed and slid me from his back, and as I hit the ground he turned around, making me stumble backward.

He stood tall and masculine in front of me, his hands taking mine from where they were neatly tucked to urge the shaking down. I attempted to fight his tugging, but he won in the end, and he held my quivering hands tenderly.

“Do you think we don’t notice?”

I opened my mouth, but I didn’t know what to say. Berling shook his head, squeezing my hands.

“Loran, you’re so important to us.” He brought my hands up to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss, more of a caress, to my knuckles. I squeaked, attempting to draw my hands away, but Berling held tight and my stomach fluttered uncomfortably. My eyes began to burn and I blinked desperately, keeping the unwanted emotion at bay.

“Berling, I--”

“Does Bill know?”

I stopped. Berling gave my hands another squeeze, harder this time, but not painful. My mouth went dry and I attempted to speak, but… did Bill know?

Realising I didn’t have an answer, I shrugged. Bill never let on that he knew, he never touched my hands or asked if I was okay. Maybe he was oblivious?

An ugly, bitter emotion swelled in my chest, and I hastily shoved it down again. I didn’t want to think about past things. Not right now. I was happy in the _present_.

Berling sighed, squatting in front of me, still holding my hands. “Loran, if you need help, we’re here, okay? You know we’re here. Don’t you?”

I licked my lips. “That’s only been a recent, a, uh, _very_ recent development.” One I was still attempting to wrap my head around.

Berling stood abruptly and pulled me forward with such a ferocity that I stumbled, catching myself against his chest. A second later his arms, hard and crushing, fell across my back, enveloping me. Holding me.

“I want you to learn to love yourself, Loran. Okay?”

“Huh?”

“Love yourself. Appreciate who you are. Because we all do and we don’t want to see you upset.” _We don’t want to see you hate yourself, to become destructive. Not again._

I swallowed thickly. “I’m not--”

 

“Hey!” Daiton’s voice, loud and disruptive, called from behind us. “What’s going on?”

I jolted, shutting my mouth and pulling my hands away from Berling as I hastily turned around, stumbling backward over tree roots. Berling didn’t appear surprised and only raised a less than amused eyebrow to which Daiton, who arrived around a tree, grinned at.

“You guys are so slow,” he drawled, coming to a stop in front of us. I raised my own eyebrow this time, tucking my hands back under my armpits as I studied him.

“Um, considering we were ahead of you?”

Daiton snorted. “Barely.”

I rolled my eyes, turning to continue on our way, but both Berling and Daiton grabbed me, making me stop. I frowned at them, and Daiton chuckled.

“Let’s just wait for the others, okay?”

I sighed but nodded, leaning back against the tree behind me as we waited – impatiently – for Addison, who arrived first with his arm loosely draped around Jackson’s shoulders, followed closely by Chester, Hunter and Ike, and then Elliott and Freyne. I frowned when Graden came out from behind the tree last. Alone.

Addison raised an eyebrow at the three of us. “What are you doing standing around?”

Daiton shrugged, “we were waiting for you guys.”

Addison’s lips twitched, “right, well, we’re here now, so let’s show him.”

I nodded, my own lips curling into a smile. I was looking forward to this. I didn’t have a glimmer of a clue as to what it was, but the fact they needed to take me outside to see it made me very excited. Turning around, I began to trudge further along the imaginary trail. When nobody followed me, though, I stopped, glancing over my shoulder.

They all watched me, amused and smiling, and a wave of butterflies hit me. I bit the inside of my cheek, slowly turning around, resting my slightly-less-shaky hands on my hips.

“Um, are we not going?”

Elliott this time snorted, and his grin widened as he very simply pointed to the sky. I frowned. I opened my mouth to ask what he was doing when, simultaneously, they all pointed upward. My frown deepened and I glanced up, not sure what to see, but… but it made my breath catch.

The tree I’d been leaning against was enormous, a strong and sturdy trunk with long, graceful branches arching away from it. It was majestic and beautiful and… it was exactly what I wanted. Ever since I was little, as young as I can remember, I’d been _desperate_ to have a tree in our backyard. But living in such a massive house gave us limited space to all other resources and I’d grown up accepting that the tree-less backyard we owned was as good as it was going to get.

 

Of course, it wasn’t only the tree I wanted. It was the incredible construction built atop the tree, into the tree, that made my heart sing.

My sight blurred and I hastily wiped the mist away. This was… extraordinary. Most people wouldn’t care much for a tree house - and why would they? Little kids used them maybe once before growing out of them. But this… this had been a dream of mine forever.

Sitting upon the strong branches was what could only be called a mini-house. There was a rope ladder that was wrapped soundly around one of the branches, and Chester used a stick to unhook it. I swallowed, feeling the rise of emotion that would be difficult to supress and I broke into a run, throwing myself at Chester.

Chester stumbled for a moment, caught off guard, but then his arms wrapped tightly around me, and his lips pressed to my temple.

“Happy birthday, Lorie.”

I offered him a watery smile as I stepped back, hesitantly reaching for the rope ladder. I turned around, searching the faces of each of my brothers. My body was warm, inside and out, and my fingers were shaking but it was a _good_ shaking. I was overwhelmed with happiness.

“C-can I?” I asked, my voice wobbling.

Addison gave a curt nod, his eyes gentle, and I licked my lips before my ascent. It was a struggle. Rope ladders were not the easiest mode of transportation. But I managed. It fell away from what I guess was a patio, a small square cut into the bottom to allow me entrance.

I scrambled onto the wood, not surprised by how sturdy it was, and I hastily looked around. There was a cut-out doorway covered by a curtain and I slowly crawled along the patio, entering the small house-like box. I didn’t trust myself to stand, positive I would topple over, and instead waited until I was safely inside. I took a deep breath, my lungs contracting as I slowly eased myself to my knees and then to my feet.

Once I was steadily standing I looked around. There was a bright blue circular carpet in the centre of the room, a matching blue beanbag and a small white bookshelf in the corner that was already filled with a couple of books. There was a crate in the far corner, between two cut out windows that were covered by glass and I gasped, not sure whether I was surprised by the amount of effort my brothers put into this.

Sitting on the crate, however, were a couple of picture frames and two candles. Beside each picture frame was single red rose held up in a white vase. My mouth went dry and I swallowed a couple of times as I dropped back to my knees, shuffling across the smooth wood to kneel in front of the crate.

My eyes filled and the tears slipped down my cheeks. I didn’t bother stopping them. Shakily, I lifted my hand up, touching one of the frames. It was filled by a photograph of a young girl, possibly twelve, with thick brown hair that was pulled back in a ponytail. Her smile was something else. It was beautiful and young and she was young and she looked so happy. In her arms was a small, blue bundle.

A baby.

My breath caught in realisation.

It was me.

Zelda and I.

My lips quivered and I reached up, pressing the back of my hand to my mouth. It didn’t stifle the sobs. It didn’t stifle the loud, obnoxious, chest-heaving chokes. Squeezing my eyes shut, I attempted to stop, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t swallow the crying as it continued to pour out.

“H-hello.” I croaked, my voice thick. “Zelda. Hi.” I dropped my hand, clenching my fist. “Zelda.” It was such a foreign word. “Zelda, I--” I inhaled sharply, catching my breath before another sob took over. “I’m sorry.”

Struggling to contain myself, I turned my gaze to the frame next to it. The one which made my sobbing worse.

My mother’s warm smile greeted me. Mine was there, too. In the face of a three-year-old, sitting on her lap, chocolate smudged across my mouth and hands. I was breaming. Behind us, hanging on the wall, was a sign: _Happy Birthday, Mum!_

One of her arms was wrapped around my waist, while her hand held a green piece of paper, folded in two with the words _Huppy Birtduy Mummy!_ scrawled on it in pink crayon.

“Oh. God.” I choked. “I miss you.” _Why did you save me?_ “I miss you so much.”

I gave myself a minute, allowing myself to sit there and cry. I wouldn’t be ashamed of myself right now, not when my mother and sister were so close to me.

Gradually I calmed down, shoulders shaking as I inhaled slowly. With shaking legs I pushed myself to my feet, staggering for a second before catching myself on the far, wooden wall. I took a moment to compose myself before tilting my head back, taking a deep breath.

I blinked in surprise at the large square hole cut out of the roof, and the rope ladder hanging over a hook in the ceiling. …Certainly not what I expected, but… rubbing at my eyes I leaned up on my toes and unhooked the ladder, letting it uncoil and fall in front of me. I reached out, brushing my fingers along it, and I questioned the effort my brothers put into this.

Slowly, I began to ascend the rope ladder, my hands a little shaky as I rose closer to the streaming sunlight. I poked my head through, taking a deep breath of fresh air, and I was startled by how magnificent it was, and again, how much effort my brothers put in-- how much they _cared_.

I crawled away from the hole and stood up. Surrounding me were branches, thick and twisted, and lime green leaves, fresh and vibrant. It must have been heaven and for a fleeting moment I pictured Zelda and our mother here, standing beside me. It was their gentle guidance that led me to the other ladder, that was endless and propped against the tree trunk, disappearing into the leaves.

Staggering forward, I grabbed the ladder and began another ascent. Inhaling slowly, trying to ease my pounding heart, I kept my gaze steady and forward, not daring to look up or down, for fear of vertigo. However, I was relieved to find the ladder sturdily bolted to the tree trunk.

Leaves pressed upon me, from every direction. A couple of twigs, and quite possibly insects, curled themselves into my hair. I was on the verge of shouting and running my fingers frantically through my locks, but my eagerness to see what awaited at the top trumped all other feelings-- although barely.

By the time I was atop the small square deck, I was breathless. Panting, I collapsed onto my back, eyes sliding shut as I regained my composure. It took a moment, but when I opened my eyes I was both shocked and awed by the stunningly blue sky that greeted me.

My sky.

Eyes widening, I rolled onto my hands and knees. Holy _shit_. I was… I was at the top of the tree… I was--

“Wow,” I murmured, pressing myself to my feet. I wavered a little bit, and cursed the wind as it pressed against me, pushing me to the edge. I managed to catch myself, eyes suddenly widening for a whole new reason as I realised how close to the edge I was.

The lake was directly below me, and the branches of the tree stretched out in all directions, twisting and curling and capturing their truly majestical stance. The entire view was beautiful, breath-taking, and it was hard to imagine such a sight existed and wasn’t photoshopped, with the sun glittering along the lake top, and the picturesque clouds minute and distant. Nature at its finest.

Stretching my arms out, I opened my chest, embracing the world. Embracing the peace--

when the wind began to scream at me.

It was abrupt and harsh and smacked me in the face, making me stumble backwards. Gasping, I pushed forward, trying to fight the howling echo, but it suddenly stopped and I staggered, my toes going over the edge of the platform. My heart rose in my throat as I stared at Death, and a dark tendril, foreign and mysterious, lashed out. Its presence shook me, and I pressed my hands to my mouth as a single thought crossed my mind:

_What if I fell?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking by this ridiculously slow update, I'm hoping now that school is complete updates for this will be more regular - hopefully daily or quite a few times a week!


	28. Chapter Twenty Six

**Loran -**

The sudden wave of anxiety was overwhelming, and I hastily stepped backward, but it was too late. Darkness swarmed my mind, blinding me, and I cursed.

_What if I jumped?_

_Would I be missed?_

“No.” I stepped back, pressing my hands to my ears. “ _No_.”

_What if I jumped?_

_Would I be missed?_

“Shut up.” I hissed, clenching my jaw, grinding my teeth. “Get out of my head. Get _out_!” A quiet laugh began, easing its way through my mind, through my body, down my spine. Goose-bumps flew across my skin and I sank my teeth into my lower lip, cursing again. Shaking my head vigorously, I chanted the words, the simple words.

_Go away. Go away. I’m better. Go away._

I blinked my eyes open, hands beginning to shake. Desperately I sought out the beautiful lake and tree, nature in its finest moment. But I didn’t.

I saw a cliff edge. A dark sky. Thrashing waves, sharp rocks. God, everywhere I looked Death screamed at me, begged for me, told me what my destiny was, where my destiny was-- with Death.

_No. No. No._

I turned to look around, to find the hole in the ground, to go back down to the safety of the treehouse, but it wasn’t there. Instead my brothers stood on the grassy plain behind me, on the cliffs edge. Bill was there, too.  

They stood, unmoving and unblinking, eyes dead on me. I stared back, my hands twitching as they dropped to my sides and I took a step forward. A plea was on the tip of my tongue, to ask them to help me, to stop me, but together they all stepped forward, eyes narrowing. I flinched, hastily stepping away, towards the cliffs edge.

My eyes burned as fear gripped my thumping heart. My breath escaped me as I silently begged, desperate for this to go any other way. I thought I was saved. I thought I had nothing to fear anymore. Why was I always wrong?!

I flinched harder when suddenly they all lifted their arms, pointing accusingly at me. Of course. It was my fault. It always was. I wasn’t like them. I didn’t see the good in me-- how could you when you were a Devil? Pure, thick darkness. My soul was full of it; my head was full of it.

“No,” I whimpered, and stepped back once more. I only wanted to put distance between us. I couldn’t handle looking at them, at their accusations, dead in the eye. I already knew I was a fuck up, I didn’t need to be reminded, dammit--

My ankle went over the edge, and so did the rest of my body. Eyes widening, the cliff, the darkness, my brothers and Bill all disappeared in a flash. The cloudless, majestic sky greeted me now, as I screamed and hit the branches below.

My hands lashed out, pointlessly and desperately. Stupidly. I continued to fall, my fingers too numb, too shaky to grip the branches that hit me on my way down. I crashed and tumbled and a strong fear of Death smacked me so hard I was unable to stifle a scream.

I knew I would hit the ground. I would break my back, my arms, my legs, my neck. I’d _die_.

Oh, God. Oh, shit. I’m going to die and I’m-- I’m never going to see Bill again. I’m going to remember half my brothers as being upset and the other half as being cocky bastards. They’re going to be rid of me, forever.

I didn’t know how that made me feel, but I was unable to dwell on it as my quivering hands somehow locked on a branch. My body was roughly yanked to a stop and I yelped. Squeezing my eyes shut, I silently begged for mercy in whatever form it could offer. Pain sparked up my shoulder, into my hand, but I didn’t unclench my fingers. Desperation clouded my mind and kept me strong.

Licking my cracked lips, I managed to croak. “Help…”

Pathetic. So pathetic.

Reaching my other hand up to grab the branch, I attempted to haul myself up. It was pointless. I was pointless. Pathetic. My heart pounded so hard it was hurting my chest, and my blood rushed in my ears, deafening me to everything except my harsh, anxious breathing and the dull, horrific crack of a branch. 

“…H-Help…” My voice was quiet, caught in the harsh breaths and hot tears sprang into my eyes. I desperately blinked them away, but more took their place. I was a wreck, and any second now this branch would break and I would continue my descent to Death.

 _It’s about time_ , a sinister voice snarled in my ear. _You’ve been alive and a pest for too long_.

“No,” I shook my head, biting into my lower lip. “No, no I’m--”

 _You’re going to die_ , it hissed. _You’re going to die and nobody will care. Hell, they might celebrate._

I could feel my face crumbling, the twitching my lips, my nose, my _fingers_. Oh, God. My hands wouldn’t be able to hold me for long. If the branch didn’t snap first, they would. I was going to fall.

_I don’t want to fall._

Not now. I’ve worked hard to make peace, I’ve worked hard to better myself, to fix what was wrong. I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop now. Please. Someone.

_Catch me._

_Please_.

***

_“Loran?” A sweet, gentle voice called, a tone of exasperation evident, but I didn’t care. Where was the fun in living safely?_

_“Yes?” I shouted back, grabbing the top of the fence as I hauled myself over it, straddling the top to catch mum’s gaze as she walked along the back patio. She was very elegant in her manner, and came to a stop at the edge of the patio, arms crossing her chest as she quirked an eyebrow at me._

_“What do are you doing?” Her tone, curious but deadly. I had to make a wise decision in how I would respond. Truth or lie. Of course, she would know which was the truth, and which was the lie, so licking my lips and squirming, I eyed the small patch of grass that made up our yard._

_“…climbing.”_

_She hummed, uncrossing her arms and leaning against the railing in front of her as she eyed me. I continued to avoid her stare and instead shuffled around. I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable atop the fence and I was highly aware that she wouldn’t appreciate the bloody gash on my knee from where a nail caught it._

_But it wasn’t my fault! If only we had trees in our backyard I would climb those instead! But we didn’t, so I was forced to go for the next best thing._

_“And what are the rules about climbing?” Mum questioned, and I risked a glance at her. Both eyebrows were raised now, but there was a twitch to her lips and a twinkle in her eye that made me relax. I offered a small grin, twisting around to start clambering down._

_“To not to.” I began lowering myself, trying to find the hole that I used to push myself up and lower myself down. “Because it’s dangerous.”_

_She hummed again, and I could feel her eyes on me as I struggled to find the foot hole. My face began to burn as I glanced down, noticing how far the drop was, that I would certainly hurt myself in the process._

_Behind me, mum exhaled. “Do I need to call your father?”_

_The thought was mortifying. There was nothing worse than an eight-year-old needing their father to help lower them from the fence. Even worse would be when both mum and dad saw the blood on my knee and then all hell would break loose and dad would yell at me and mum would yell at dad and my brothers would roll their eyes and hate me--_

_“Um, no…”_

_Mum didn’t say anything more, but I felt her eyes on me as I struggled to lower myself without the hole to guide me. I almost slipped, though, and a cry of caution escaped my lips as I gripped the fence tightly, hanging awkwardly._

_“…Okay…” I murmured, finally. Mum didn’t say anything, but I heard her footsteps as she turned and walked back along the patio to the backdoor. I held on tight to the fence, the wood cutting into my palms as I glanced down once more, pleading with myself to not fall._

_“Addison, where is your father?” I heard mum ask, and worry immediately gripped me. The only thing worse than dad helping me down was one of my brothers. Squeezing my eyes shut I silently begged that dad was home and had not gone off to the beach or anything._

_“Uh, I think he took the quads to the park?”_

_Crud._

_“Right,” mum said, not sounding impressed. “Well, darling, could you please help Loran down from the fence.”_

_Oh, no._

_“Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure.”_

_Two lots of footsteps fell across the patio and I cringed, keeping my eyes shut as Addison’s footsteps went down the patio and onto the grass. A moment later his hands were on my waist and I slowly released the fence, letting him lower me to the ground. I kept my eyes shut as he took my hand, leading me back to the patio where mum was waiting._

_I opened my eyes when she cursed, though. “Loran Fredrick Prince what on earth have you done to your leg?”_

_Blinking, I looked down at where she was staring. My bloody knee._

_“Oh, um…”_

_Shaking her head, she ran her hand down her face. “Addison could you please fetch Chester and ask him to meet us in the bathroom.”_

_“Sure thing, mum,” Addison chuckled, running his fingers through my hair as he jogged up the stairs and disappeared inside. I stood at the bottom step for a minute longer, biting the inside of my cheek until mum lowered herself and took my hands in hers. Blinking, I lifted my gaze._

_“Come on, mister.” She drew me up the stairs and inside. “Good thing it was already bath time, huh?”_

_Crinkling my nose, I gave a soft nod and followed her into the house. Graden was reading at the dining table, but he glanced up when mum and I walked through. He offered me a tight-lipped smile before returning to his novel, and I only had a chance to frown before I was being dragged up the staircase to the bathroom._

_Berling’s bedroom door was open, and I peered in to see Berling and Daiton rolling around on the ground, wrestling probably. I grinned when Berling managed to pin Daiton, the younger scowling and kicking up in dissatisfaction. Berling chuckled under his breath and leaned down, pressing their faces closer and mum suddenly blocked my vision as she closed the door._

_I heard her muttering under her breath about talking to them later and I blinked in surprise. Tugging on her hand as she led me into the bathroom, I caught her eye with confusion._

_“Why are they in trouble for wrestling?”_

_“Hmm?” Mum tilted her head, running her fingers through my hair before she pulled the shower curtain back and turned the bath taps._

_“Berling and Daiton.”_

_Mum’s shoulders slowly drew up around her neck, and she went very silent. When she straightened, and turned to me, the smile on her face wasn’t natural, and wasn’t the one I loved. She took my hands gently in hers and guided me to the bathtub. Naturally, I began to strip as mum ducked and fished the first aid kit out from beneath the vanity._

_“I don’t want them wrestling in front of you, is all.”_

_I frowned, sitting on the edge of the tub and glancing at the door as Chester entered. He offered me a small smile before kneeling in front of me to look at the gash. I turned to mum, who passed him betadine and bandages._

_“But why?”_

_Mum shook her head, at both me and Chester, when he passed her a questioning look. However, I wasn’t one to just let it go._

_“I don’t think it will become infected,” Chester murmured, leaning back as he bandaged my knee up. “But maybe we should take him into the doctors tomorrow just to be sure?”_

_“All right, thank you, honey.” She nodded at me and then the tub and, understanding, I slowly lowered myself into the warm water, keeping my bandaged knee over the edge. “Your father will be home soon with the quads, if you could possibly start dinner?”_

_Chester smiled, pushing himself to his feet. I liked watching him and mum so close together, because they looked identical. Chester seemed to have inherited all of mum’s physical traits, only his boyish charm made him stand out more._

_“All right, ma.” He glanced at me. “Be a good boy, Lorie.”_

_I rolled my eyes. When he left, though, I immediately turned back to mum, who was putting the first aid kit away._

_“Mum, I still don’t understand.”_

_Mum glanced at me. “Understand what?”_

_“Why you’re angry about them wrestling? They wrestle with me all the time, and each other.”_

_Mum nodded slowly, standing up and leaning against the vanity. “You’re right, but I’ve decided I want you to grow into a proper young man and have absolutely no fun, whatsoever.”_

_I laughed at her teasing tone, and mum chuckled as she leaned down, pressing a sloppy kiss on my forehead. “Don’t worry about it, honey-bunch. Are you all right in here for a minute while I go and check if dad’s home?”_

_I rolled my eyes. “I’m eight, not five.”_

_Mum laughed as she left._

_***_

…Surely… Surely if they were always there for me when I was younger, they would still be there for me now. It was a hasty thought, but I was desperate for any kind of relief that they would help me, that this wasn’t my end. I couldn’t die without saying goodbye.

Not like mum.

***

_“We remember the beloved Felicia Renee-Gracia Prince. The caring mother and loving wife of Bill Prince.”_

_Tears welled in my eyes as I hunched forward, my casted arm making it difficult to hide my face as I choked on sobs and snot. I’d only been released from hospital yesterday for my injuries, and now it was mum’s funeral and I-- I--_

_I burst into harder sobs. My chest ached, my fingers digging into my shirt where my heart pounded rapidly, desperate to escape, to go to the coffin where mum was, waiting for me. She always waited for me._

_I tried to inhale, to calm my sobs, but it only made it worse and I began to cough as more tears poured down my face. A heavy arm pressed around my shoulders and I began to shake harder, not daring to look up at Addison as he leaned down, his warm breath on my neck._

_“Lorie, hush.”_

_I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. Addison exhaled slowly, hugging me close. I attempted to turn my face into his chest, but my cast didn’t let me. I shook my head, keeping my eyes firmly shut._

_“I can’t,” I whispered, bringing my good hand down to grip Kerrick, who sat on the other side of me. “I-- I miss her.”_

_Addison didn’t say anything, but the crushing weight of his arms around me spoke volumes. Kerrick’s hand squeezed my hand softly, but hard enough that I felt the encouragement seeping through it. Blinking rapidly, I turned my tear-stained face to him, to see him staring at mum’s coffin as he desperately blinked back tears._

_Beside him was Jackson, Ike and Hunter. In fact, we were made to sit in age order, but after I broke into choked crying in the first two seconds, Addison was forced to sit by me. I didn’t want to burden him, though._

_“I know,” Addison finally managed, his own voice choked and there was an emotional waver to it that made my face crumble. “I do, too.”_

_Swallowing thickly, I attempted to stifle the tears, the sobs. I ended up holding my breath, squeezing Kerrick’s hand tightly until I was forced to take a breath, and with it came another wave of sobs._

_I knew I was pissing Bill off. I could see him through my peripheral vision, glancing at me every now and again. His nose was crinkled, the way it got when he was growing frustrated. I wanted to apologise. To apologise to mum for ruining her funeral, but-- but—_

_“I’m so sorry,” I cried, louder this time. Addison inhaled as if he were about to say something, but then Bill was there, taking my hand from Kerrick’s and leading me from the seat and out of the church. I continued to cry and sniffle as we stopped on the stairs just outside the doors._

_I attempted to stop the pathetic whimpering, worried that Bill would yell at me, but instead he gathered me in a tight hug. Shocked, I didn’t react. But then when his arms tightened around me my heart lurched and I wailed as I threw my arms around his neck, clinging tight._

_“Hush,” he whispered, fingers slipping through my hair. “Hush, Loran. It’s all right.”_

_I shook my head, because it wasn’t. Nothing would ever be right again. Mum was everything good and now she was gone and it was all my fault and--_

_“Don’t say that,” Bill spoke urgently, his arms tightening around me. “Loran, this isn’t your fault.”_

_“It is!” I gripped the back of Bill’s shirt with my good hand. As I held tightly, slight, miniscule tremors began to make it shake._

_“Loran, you were drowning.”_

_“You should hate me!”_

_Bill appeared stunned, but he didn’t say anything. If anything, his silence only made it worse._

_Thankfully, Addison came out of the church and took me from Bill, gesturing for him to go back inside. Bill, at first, appeared hesitant. But then he nodded and disappeared. My lips drew downwards and I threw myself into Addison’s chest._

_“He hates me!” I sobbed. “He hates me and you hate me and everybody hates me! I hate me!”_

_Addison’s arms dropped down heavy around me. “Loran, no. God, no. Nobody hates you.”_

_“You should! I do!”_

_“No,” Addison shook his head above me, before pressing his lips to my scalp. “No. Nothing is ever going to make us hate you. This-- this was an accident, Loran.”_

_“I killed her!”_

_“You did_ not _.” Addison’s arms tightened even more, pressing me to his chest, suffocating me. “Loran, you didn’t kill mum. Nobody killed mum. She died in an accident. And… and we could have lost both of you, okay? God just didn’t think it was your time yet.”_

_I shook my head, adamant that he was wrong, because he was. So very, very wrong._

_“Addi,” I sniffled, desperately keeping the cries at bay. “Addi, you and Bill and Berling and Chester and Kerrie and-- and-- and you should all hate me. Give me up for adoption! It’s okay! I’ll under-understand!”_

_Addison didn’t say anything for a long moment. I could feel his chest rising and falling against my own, and the feel of it slowly calmed me down. I think it lulled me closer to sleep than it did in calming me down, because my eyes began to droop and my fingers twitched anxiously._

_“Why,” Addison began slowly, “why would we give you up for adoption?”_

_“Because Bill doesn’t need a-- a-- piece of scum like me.”_

_“You are a boy, Loran. You’re my brother._ Not _scum.” Addison slowly released me and took my shoulders in his hands as he knelt in front of me, staring up at me. His blue eyes were wide, confused. Desperate. “And why did you call dad Bill?”_

_I blinked in exhaustion. “Bill?”_

_Addison nodded at me, squeezing my shoulders gently._

_“Bill… because I’m not worthy of a dad anymore. I’m not worthy of anybody.”_

_Addison was shaking his head before I could finish. “No. No, Loran. Please, stop blaming yourself. You’re worthy of a family, of us. You always will be, you hear? We love you. You’re our baby brother and we love you.” Addison continued to shake his head. “God, come here.” He drew me into another tight embrace, and this time he didn’t let me go._

_Until he did._

_***_

My eyes began to water as I remembered my mother’s funeral. I wonder what would happen at my funeral. Would I even be worthy of one? Would Bill celebrate, when this branch snapped and I fell to my death? Would my brothers? Was I merely a body to them?

Licking my lips, I shook my head. No. No, they loved me. They loved--

Why would they love a murderer?

_No!_

A branch snapped somewhere and I gasped, snapping my head up to the one I was holding, shaken from my thoughts. It was still intact, though. Frowning, and blinking rapidly, I glanced around. Perhaps it was a bird?

The thought almost made me laugh, but then a voice, a sudden and cheerful voice, caught my attention and I lifted my head to the blonde-headed wonder who gracefully walked along the branches ahead of me.

“Hey stranger! Now is our chance to _hang_ out, huh?”


	29. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Addison -**

I crossed my arms and leaned against the tree as Loran disappeared at the top. We assumed he would be a while, because there was a lot to see, a lot to process.

“He’s going to love it,” Chester’s voice was soft, assuring in my ear as he leant against me, hooking his chin over my shoulder. Blinking, I glanced at him, trying not to grimace. How could he be so sure? I mean yes, Loran would love it because it was a treehouse, and because it was _his_ , and because it gave him a sanctuary where he could go to be with mum and Zelda. But… he was almost an adult, and how long was an adult going to want a treehouse?

I smiled tightly at Chester, offering him thumbs up. He, of course, saw right through it and cupped his fingers around my jaw, tilting my head toward him. His soft, dark eyes were so much like our mothers. Pain momentarily splintered through me, until Chester’s deft fingers on my jaw brought me back.

“He will, Addi. Loran understands hard-work so even if it’s shit, he’s going to appreciate our effort.”

I grimaced, shifting away. “I don’t think it’s shit.”

“Hell no,” Elliott grumbled, plopping himself down at my feet to lean back against the tree. “That’s possibly the least shit thing we’ve ever made.”

I hummed in confirmation. The only one of us who was even close to design was Freyne, and that was through his architecture course and interior designer jobs. Even he agreed it was some of the best work he’d ever seen.

I glanced to said man, not surprised to see him sitting on the edge of the lake, stick in hand as he poked at the water. I looked to Elliott, surprised he wasn’t over there pestering him. The two had been inseparable since birth, so any moment they weren’t hanging off each other was a rare one and scarcely missed.

Berling was sitting on a rock by the lake, with the quads. Kerrick, sweet and innocent, stood in front of him, wringing his hands nervously as he held eye contact with Berling. Berling was talking to him in a hushed voice, low enough that I couldn’t hear, but Hunter, Ike and Jackson could, and were all leaning in. The sight brought a smile to my lips. There was nothing more touching than seeing the quads together.

Hunter’s fingers were tightly entwined with Ike’s, and Jackson was sitting with their thighs pressed together, successfully catching Ike between the two of them. My heart pounded loud and erratic in my chest and I turned away, biting into my lower lip.

I didn’t want to hurt them. God, that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Especially after--

“Addison,” Graden’s voice caught my attention, and I whipped my head around to see him standing, alone and uncertain between a couple of trees. His head was down, and his fingers were pulling anxiously at the skin on his wrist.

The sight made my chest ache and I moved efficiently, using my bigger build to block him from the rest of our brothers as I took both his wrists in hand. Graden didn’t look up at me when I did, but he did relax, even if it was only a slight movement of his shoulders.

I glanced over my shoulder to catch Daiton lowering himself beside Freyne, hooking an arm around his shoulders and dragging him off-balance and closer. Their different shades of hair clashed as Daiton leant down, catching Freyne’s lips, and a soft, vulnerable sound escaped Freyne’s lips as he reached up, digging his fingers into Daiton’s shirt. Daiton shuffled forward, hiking Freyne’s legs over his so their heaving chests pressed together.

Berling caught my eye as he drew Kerrick down to straddle his thighs, hooking his arms tightly around his waist. I held his gaze for a long moment before tilting my head to Graden, who was standing partially behind me. Berling’s eyes flickered and his head tilted slightly. He returned his attention to Kerrick, beginning to murmur more things. Kerrick blinked a couple of times, dropping his hands to Berling’s shoulders so he could grip the fabric there.

Behind them Jackson leaned heavily against Ike’s shoulder, while Ike similarly leant against Hunter. The older quad stayed sturdy as he snaked his arm around Ike’s waist and grabbed the fabric of Jackson’s shirt. It was only a slight movement, barely noticeable. But it meant a lot.

Chester slowly lowered himself next to Elliott, whose head was tilted against the trunk with his eyes closed. Chester’s lips twitched at the sight, and he reached for his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Elliott’s eyes fluttered and he tilted his head to catch Chester’s gaze. The two of them stared at each other for a long moment, before Elliott closed his eyes again and slowly dropped to the side, leaning heavily against Chester’s shoulder.

There was something peaceful in watching your brothers together, amid nature.

“…Addi.” Graden whispered.

There was also something deeply haunting about it.

Slowly I turned around, catching Graden’s eye before he averted them. I exhaled, dropping his wrists and instead reaching for his shoulders, turning him around and guiding him past the trees and into a smaller clearing that blocked us from sight.

Graden didn’t speak, so I was forced to look at him, at the slight shiver that coursed through his bones, and the sweat that caught in his collarbones. Temptation wanted me to lean down, to suck at the protruding bone and press Graden against a tree. Of all my brothers, there was something intense and beautiful about Graden’s timidness, and I could never quite put my finger on it.

Swallowing thickly, I cupped his jaw, forcing him to look up at me. The deep hurt in his eyes was something I never wanted to see again. And I would punch, in a heartbeat, whoever put that pain there. Even if it was myself… _especially_ if it was myself.

Licking his lips, Graden lifted his hand to rest on my arm. He looked over my shoulder, or to the left of my face, or anywhere that didn’t involve eye contact and worry began to boil inside me. I stroked my thumb across his jawline, tilting my head down toward him.

Graden flinched away, mouth opening. “Addison, I… I need to talk to you.”

I hummed softly. “I’m here to listen.”

Graden’s nose crinkled a little at that, a Prince inheritance that we all did when we thought against something. I cringed at the thought of what he disagreed with.

“I can’t,” Graden swallowed thickly, fingers twitching over my arm. “Addison, I know everybody else seems to be over it, but I can’t just--”

I could feel my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach. Graden inhaled deeply, and he dropped his arms to his sides and took a step back. My heart sank deeper.

“I love you,” his voice was reassuring. “And I’m not… I’m not _leaving_.”

I blinked, taking a step closer. Graden shook his head, but he didn’t step away. Thank God.

“Graden,” I whispered. “What are you--”

“I think I need to go… just for a couple of days.”

I was shaking my head before I could stop myself. Graden wasn’t looking, though. His eyes hard on the ground, on our feet. On the gap between us. It was too big a gap. I closed it, closing my arms around him, too.

“Graden, you know I can’t let you--”

“I’m not going to _do_ anything.” He admonished quietly. “Addison, I love you all, so much. I’m not leaving. I just think… I can’t be in this headspace with Loran around, not right now.” I could feel his hot breath on my shoulders. “When we tell him, it’ll be better, but Addi I need to go.”

I shook my head, pressing my chin hard atop his head, holding him harder. There were so many reasons it was a bad idea for him to leave, especially now. Of course, it wasn’t unnatural. Graden would leave every now and again, but somebody always went with him. This… This wasn’t quite right…

“Take Ike.”

Graden shook his head. “No.”

“Take… Take Daiton?”

Graden shook his head again, and this time his arms lifted to wrap tightly around my waist. I could feel the quake in him, I could feel his entire body fighting the urge to bolt. His fingers gripped the fabric at my back, twisting and tugging, pulling himself closer.

“…Take--”

“Me.”

I snapped my head around at Berling’s voice. Graden didn’t lift his head as Berling walked toward us, resting a hand on my shoulder. Our eyes met over Graden’s head. Berling’s a deep, dark that reflect mum’s. Mine were more like Bill’s.

 _We need to stay together_. Berling’s said.

 _I know_. Mine responded.

Together we looked down at Graden’s mop of hair. He had yet to respond to Berling’s statement. I wasn’t too sure how I felt about anybody leaving, even if it was only a couple of days. With Loran slowly joining us we needed all of us together.

“I… I don’t think so,” Graden finally whispered. “Berling, I need to go alone--”

“Bullshit,” Berling huffed. “You need to stay. I know you’re upset, Gray. You have every right to be. We were true jerks. But don’t run away from it, all right?”

Graden didn’t say anything, but his arms tightened around me. Not for the first time I wanted to wrap Graden, and all my much younger brothers, into blankets and cuddle them. I wanted to apologise for all the times I’ve fucked up, and allowed them to be hurt. Every time they cried because of something we did.

I needed to change. I knew that. I just… was stuck in the past.

Graden inhaled shakily against me. “I’ll… I’ll stay. Or, I’ll attempt to stay, and stay sane… okay?”

I breathed a sigh of relief, as did Berling. We caught eyes once more, and Berling dropped a kiss on Graden’s head.

“Thank you.”

Graden hummed against my chest as he extracted himself. I unwillingly released him, reaching up to ruffle his hair. Scowling, he swatted my hand away. I smiled, as did Berling. Once my heart slowed down, the three of us returned to the treehouse.

Daiton was leaning against the tree by the lake, with Freyne’s back against his chest. Freyne’s lips were swollen, and there was a high flush in his cheeks. Something stirred in my lower half, but I silently scolded it. Chester, Elliott and the quads were nowhere to be seen, but the sound of splashing caught my attention.

Taking Graden’s hand, I led him down to the edge of the lake. Sure enough, the six of them had stripped to their underwear and were paddling about-- or, doing other forms of exercise.

Hunter was kissing Jackson, and I could only imagine what their hands were doing beneath the water’s surface. Jackson’s body twitched and his fingers came out of the water to grip Hunter’s shoulders. There was a desperation in the way they clawed at Hunter’s skin, but Hunter didn’t appear to mind as he ground their bodies closer together.

Graden’s breath hitched in his throat. I smirked, turning him to me as I leaned back against the tree closest to me. Graden appeared unwilling as he turned to me, but I searched his eyes for any objection before I dropped my hands to the waistband of his pants and dragged him closer.

“A-Addi,” he whispered, his palms pressing against my chest as he leaned heavily against me. I leant down, capturing his lips with my own. My hands slid around his waist and down to his backside, drawing him closer. Graden gasped against my lips, and I took the chance to slip my tongue into his mouth.

“You’ll stay, won’t you?” I asked, slipping my fingers inside his pants and his underwear. Graden’s breath hitched as I slid my fingers along his hot flesh. I didn’t hear his response as I dragged him closer, being as careful as I could. Graden’s hands slowly, exceptionally slowly, slid up my chest and over my shoulders until they hooked around my neck.

He pulled back, blinking up at me through dark lashes. My heart caught in my throat as the stirring returned to my lower half. I didn’t object to it this time as Graden leaned up on his toes, pressing his lips to my ear. His breath hot and moist as he exhaled slowly.

“I--”

He was cut off by the unmistakable sound of branches snapping above us, followed by the horrific, blood-chilling scream of Loran’s. My skin turned cold and my heart stopped. Everything stopped. _Loran_.

“Loran!” Berling’s shout threw everything into fast motion. Graden pushed himself off me as he reached for the ladder, scrambling to follow Berling up it. My body moved on auto-pilot as I followed. Blood rushed in my ears, and I internally screamed at myself.

What kind of a fucking idiot was I? Sending my baby brother up into a treehouse? What was I thinking? Was I thinking?! _Idiot_.

I anxiously scrambled onto the treehouse at the top, and followed Berling’s wide stride as he went up to the next level, while Graden ran to the closest branch on this level. I didn’t want him climbing onto any branches, but my mind wasn’t working fast enough to snap that at him as I disappeared onto the next level.

Berling, too, moved to the closest branch. He wouldn’t be stupid enough to climb into the tree, though. Not that Graden was stupid. God, he was anything but. If anybody was stupid, it was me--

Cursing, I ran a hand down my face as I climbed the ladder to the final landing. When I reached the top, I spat another curse. No Loran. Of course.

Blinking rapidly, I walked to the edge. I cursed myself for not putting a railing up. _Idiot_.

I glanced over the edge, and at the sight of the broken branches and torn leaves, my heart stuttered. Spitting a final curse and feeling the first of many tears begin slipping over my cheeks, I began descending.

Thank fuck we were over a lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this new edit of 'Thirteen' I'm attempting to incorporate a range of back stories for some of the brothers who seemed more neglected in the series - as spotted through my original edit. These characters included Graden, who didn't seem to grow his own real personality until later, and Jackson, who seemed to stay the exact same consistently. There are a couple other brothers I've tweaked, and we'll get around to them gradually, but this is the first entire chapter I've added, and not just rewritten with new scenes and whatnot, so i hope it makes sense, somewhat.


	30. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Loran -**

Alexander’s eyes were alight as he dropped to the branch before mine. His deft fingers gripping the bark as he swung himself around so he was hovering above me. His biceps strained beneath his sleeves, making my mouth go dry. Silently cursing myself, I diverted my gaze, glancing below me where the lake shimmered and beckoned.

_No. I’m not ready to die. Not yet. Please._

“Hey,” I whipped my head up at Alexander’s voice. A pathetic prickle stung my eyes and Alexander’s lips twitched downward. “Hey, it’s gonna be alright.” He shifted onto the next branch and I jerked as the branch cracked more. I stifled a shout, teeth sinking into my lower lip.

Alexander moved carefully, lowering himself to a squat, one hand braced on a thick branch above him as he reached down for me. His hands were large, the same size as Elliott’s. His fingers were long, strong and spindly. I blinked at them. They were so close. All I had to do was let go of the branch, only with one hand, and reach.

Simple.

“What if I fall?” I queried, voice soft, trying to hide the tremor. I didn’t dare stare up into Alexander’s eyes, worried about the pity I would find. I clenched my fingers tighter around the branch, biting back a curse at the pain. I hated pain.

“It’ll be like flying,” Alexander whispered above me. I was shocked by his tone, expecting sass and an eye roll. I expected to be mocked. What teenager feared falling when a lake was directly below them? Alexander’s tone was like honey dew on a hot day, perfect. Levelled, but not condescending. “Have you ever flown?”

I blinked rapidly, fingers twitching around the branch as I shuffled my body. My arms ached, stretching from their sockets. My spine was cursing me for landing us, quite literally, in this predicament. I hated myself. But what was new?

“Flown?” I managed, twisting my head to the side. Perhaps if I swung myself a little, I could reach that branch. Inhaling slowly, I began to rock my body. Only a slight movement as I stretched my legs out in front of me. Relief flooding through me when my toes brushed the leaves. I would be okay.

I rocked myself harder, gaining more momentum as I stretched my toes toward the branch again. Alexander was right. It was a little bit like flying. My fingers twitched as I prepared to turn around, the way I did when I was younger, playing on the monkey bars. I swung myself harder, and then Alexander cursed.

“Loran, stop--”

His words were cut off by the horrific sound of a branch snapping. Everything froze as I lifted my eyes, catching Alexander’s wide, bright gaze. I could feel my body beginning to drop, my fingers clenching harder on the broken branch. A futile and stupid move. The wind screamed in my ears and the branches smacked me, leaves thwacking my face.

I jerked to a stop. My breath whooshed out of me in a solid breath. Lifting my head, I caught Alexander’s stare, as he leaned precariously off his own branch, clinging to it with one arm while his other hand gripped the edge of my broken branch. His chest heaved as he panted, and sweat glistened along his forehead as he cursed, scrunching his face up in pain.

“I’ve got you--” He began, hissing through clenched teeth. I continued to stare at him, shocked at his strength and his willingness to _help_ me. He was cut off by another branch snapping though, and his eyes flew open, catching mine in confusion. He opened his mouth, evidently to speak again, when his own branch snapped and we flew.

***

_Hunter, Ike and Jackson sat on the couch, controllers in hand, shoulders hunched forward as they pressed rapidly on the different buttons. Kerrick sat at Ike’s feet, knees drawn to his chest as he watched the television, watching them play._

_I watched, too. From my perch atop the cabinet behind them. They didn’t know I was here, and I hoped to keep it that way. Everybody always liked to ruin my fun. I slowly pushed myself to my knees, careful I didn’t knock anything off the top. If I broke something, I’d be in more trouble than if I hurt myself._

_“Ike, fudge off!” Hunter snapped when Ike leaned over to grab his control. I barely stifled a giggle at the naughty word. Mummy and daddy didn’t let us say any words beginning with F. Because Graden liked to say ‘eff’ or draw out the letter, and mummy always told him off. When I did it, though, everybody laughed at me._

_They wouldn’t laugh anymore when I flew._

_“Hunter, you’re being a dick--” Ike cut himself off, but the naughty word already escaped his mouth. A worse word. “I-- I meant addicted. You’re being addicted… to this game…”_

_Hunter snorted, rolling away from Ike. “Stop cheating and I won’t tell anyone.”_

_Ike seemed relieved as he returned his attention to the game. Jackson laughed beside him, shaking his head. Ike scowled, glancing at him out the corner of his eye. Jackson rolled his eyes._

_“You’re too good, Ike-y.” Jackson chuckled, pressing a button that made something on the screen explode. I blinked in surprise and slowly pushed myself to my feet. How cool! Explosions! “There’s nobody around to tell you off if you say dickhead.”_

_“Hey!” Kerrick admonished, turning around to narrow his eyes at Jackson from behind his knees. “We don’t say that word.”_

_Jackson rolled his eyes again, slumping against the couch. “Kerrie, nobody’s here to care.”_

_“I care,” Kerrick grumbled, turning back to the screen. He froze halfway, though and I realised with a sinking heart he’d spotted me. I pouted as Kerrick hastily pushed himself to his feet, making Hunter, Ike and Jackson simultaneously shout at him to get out of the way._

_Kerrick ignored them as he scrambled over the couch, “Loran, get down!”_

_Hunter glanced over his shoulder, confused until his eyes landed on me. Then his eyes widened and he dropped his remote. Ike and Jackson followed his lead, pausing the game as they scrambled over the couch. The four of them stared up at me, and I grinned down at them._

_“I fly!”_

_Kerrick paled and he turned, sprinting for the staircase. I frowned, crinkling my nose as he disappeared. Stomping my foot, I took a step forward, about to call to him, to ask him to come back. I staggered on the edge, my foot going over and throwing me off balance._

_“Loran!” Ike shouted, reaching his arms up to catch me. I shook my head, hastily pushing myself back. I couldn’t fly if they were there. I couldn’t fly with any of them there. They didn’t like it when I flew._

_“Lorie, come back down,” Hunter called, walking to the side of the cabinet. It was shaped like a staircase, which was why I easily climbed up it. I crinkled my nose when Hunter began to crawl up, too. This was my place._

_“Nuh-uh!” I shouted down at him, turning to go down the other way. It was a drop, though. Pursing my lips, I turned back around, looking down at Ike and Jackson, who stood below me. “Go ‘way! Want to fly!”_

_“You’ll hurt yourself!” Hunter snapped, tone harsh. I flinched, glaring down at him as he climbed higher. “And then I’ll get in trouble because I’m the oldest and it’s not fair, Lorie.”_

_“We’re all nine, Hunter!” Jackson yelled. “We’ll all get in trouble. Not just you!”_

_Hunter pulled a face down at Jackson. “Shut up. I’ll get in more trouble. Because I’m in charge!”_

_“Shut up, you are not!” Jackson stomped his foot._

_“You shut up!”_

_“No, I said for you to shut up!”_

_“I’m the oldest, you do what I say! Shut up!”_

_“We’re same age, dickhead!”_

_“Hey,” Ike snapped, turning to pin Jackson with an angry stare. He then turned to Hunter. “Both of you need to shut up, because it’s not helping the situation.”_

_Hunter snorted. “You’re not helping the situation. You’re just standing there!”_

_Ike’s jaw dropped for a second. “Fudging excuse you! I’ve done just as much as you!”_

_Hunter responded, angrily, and then Jackson was dragged back into it. A small smile touched my lips. They weren’t paying attention to me anymore. I could fly!_

_Slowly pushing myself to my feet, I stepped to the edge of the cabinet. Spreading my arms out on either side of me, I beamed and closed my eyes, taking a step over the edge. I began to flap my arms crazily, trying to do what birdies did. I flew for a second._

_“Loran!”_

_Large hands caught me around my waist and spun me around. I opened my eyes, giggling with delight as Berling came to a stop, holding me out in front of him. He wasn’t smiling, though._

_“What on earth are you doing?!”_

_I continued to beam. “Fly!”_

_Berling shook his head. “You’re a human. You can’t fly.”_

_I nodded. “I can!”_

_Berling shook his head. “You cannot.” He turned me around, placing me on the ground. “Do not let me catch you doing that again.”_

_I pouted, turning around to poke my tongue out at him. Berling turned away, sending a withering glare at the three quads. Hunter hastily scrambled back onto the ground and stepped back. Ike looked ashamed, but Jackson grinned._

_“Ber, can I fly too?”_

_“You can’t fly, idiot.” Hunter said from behind him. Jackson turned around._

_“I can if Berling helps me!” Jackson grumbled. He glanced to Berling. “Can you?”_

_Berling didn’t hesitate before growling an absolute, “no.”_

_Jackson pulled a face, but shrugged. “Fine, be a party poo.”_

_Berling didn’t respond as he turned around, bending down to catch me around the waist. I giggled with delight as he carried me up the staircase. I pulled at his shirt, squirming in his grip._

_“Fly!”_

_Berling shook his head, knocking on Elliott’s door. I huffed, turning in his arms as Elliott opened the door, frowning. Berling stepped past him, and without any warning tossed me. My eyes widened and I squealed with delight as I soared through the air. Elliott caught me, huffing a laugh as he held me against his chest. I grinned, reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck._

_“Again!”_

_Elliott chuckled. “No, no.” He walked me to his bed, setting me down. “Lorie, you know the rule about flying.”_

_I pouted._

_“Stupid rule,” somebody spoke up behind me. I turned around, beaming as Kerrick lifted his head over the side of Elliott’s bed. He crawled onto the bed, catching me around the waist and hugging me tightly. I dropped myself into his lap, holding his arm tightly._

_“You think it’s a stupid rule?” Berling asked, setting himself on the edge of Elliott’s bed._

_Kerrick nodded, resting his chin on my head. “Lorie should be able to fly.”_

_Berling hummed, swapping a look with Elliott. “But it’s really dangerous. Loran could hurt himself.”_

_Kerrick shook his head quickly. “No. No, because we’ll always catch him.” Kerrick’s arm tightened around me. “Right?”_

_Elliott chuckled, leaning against Freyne’s bed, across from his own. “Of course, Kerrie. Always.”_

***

 _Where are you now?_ I thought, a moment before I hit the water.

Thousands of needles stabbed into me. I gasped, opening my eyes to darkness. The darkness soaked into my clothes, into my lungs. I snapped my mouth shut, but the damage was done. I choked on the thick, murky water as I thrashed.

My clothes pulled me down, anchoring me into a fate I didn’t want anymore. I silently cursed, dragging my arms out around me, trying to propel myself upward. I didn’t have the strength. The darkness was drawing out all my energy, and I was going to die.

I guess it wasn’t all bad.

This was how I was originally supposed to go, right? I guess karma has her ways.

***

_“I want to swim!” I shouted, scrambling along the hot sand. I grinned as the wind brushed at my hair, urging me to hurry._

_“Loran!” Mum shouted behind me. I glanced over my shoulder for only a second to see her following. Her long skirt twisted around her ankles and she held one hand over her head, keeping her large, floppy hat in place. “Loran, slow down!”_

_I laughed, shaking my head. “No! I want to play on the rocks!”_

_“Loran.” My father snapped, his voice propelling through the wind. I ignored him as I scrambled onto the slippery rocks. “Loran, come back here.”_

_I shook my head. No. I wanted to climb. I would climb!_

_“Dad,” I heard Freyne, and I glanced over my shoulder as I climbed further along the rocks. Freyne was in the water, Elliott and Daiton swimming beside him. “Dad, he’ll be fine.”_

_I nodded eagerly, sliding myself down the rocks as I hurried toward the white water. It was the fun area. My favourite spot. I grinned as a shadow fell over me, glancing up at the sky as a large, grey cloud slid in front of the sun. Yay! I wouldn’t get burnt!_

_“Loran!” Mum shouted. “Loran, stop! The water is too rough for you!”_

_I shook my head adamantly. “I’ll just climb the rocks!” I slipped across one as I said it, silently cursing the slime that covered the lot of them. I fell to my hands and knees for a minute, disappearing behind the larger rocks._

_I heard mum’s shout, but ignored it as the sky became darker, and the wind screamed at me. I crinkled my nose at it, hissing in response. Picking myself up I scrambled onto one of the larger rocks, being careful to not slip off._

_Once I was proudly at the top, I turned and waved at my family. Another blast of wind caught me and I almost fell. Waving my arms around quickly to catch my balance, I straightened and continued to beam. Nobody beamed back at me._

_“Loran!”_

_“What?” I shouted, sliding off the rock as the wind screamed once more, pushing me against the cliff’s edge. I gasped, blinking in shock as I smacked my head against one of the rocks. Tears welled in my eyes as I reached up, touching my fingers to my forehead. When I withdrew them, my eyes widened at the sight of blood coating my fingers. “Mummy!”_

_“Loran!”_

_I turned, fully prepared to start heading back, when another shadow fell across me. I glanced up, to scowl at the sky, at the clouds blocking the light. Maybe I’d prefer to be burnt than to be blind._

_But it wasn’t a cloud._

_I screamed as an almighty wave leered down at me, before smashing against me and the cliffs edge. Everything went black and fuzzy. My fingers scrambled to catch the edge of the cliff, to catch one of the rocks that jutted out, but I couldn’t get a grip on the slippery surfaces._

_When the water drained away, I was dizzy and my head felt ten times bigger than it had a minute ago. I couldn’t hear anything, but I anxiously and hurriedly pushed myself to my feet and began to scramble along the wet rocks. My soaked clothes held me down, but I ignored them as I climbed atop a large rock, relieved to see my family sprinting along the sand toward me. Mum was ahead of everybody, already beginning to climb along the rocks toward me._

_I slid down the rock I was on, tripping to get to her. The wind screeched in my ears and I stopped to press my hands over my ears. I hunched my shoulders downward, biting my tongue. I could taste blood._

_“Mummy!”_

_I couldn’t hear anything. Another shadow crossed me and I squeezed my eyes shut as I hunched forward, waiting for the impact. I was shocked when long, warm arms wrapped around me instead. I lifted my head, blinking rapidly as tears began to spill down my face. Mum stared back at me, eyes wide. As the shadow loomed down upon us, she hunched over me, hugging me tight._

_I cried out as it hit us, throwing us off balance and into the small rock pool next to us. I went under, and mum’s arms left me. I thrashed out, trying to find her. I couldn’t. She was gone. I gasped, my head popping out at the top of the water. I paddled, my feet not reaching the ground, glancing around rapidly._

_“Mum?!” I could feel my breath catching in my throat. I could feel myself not breathing. I looked around again. “Mum!”_

_There was nothing but waves and white foam and rocks. My breath began to come out in harsh pants as I swam to the edge, gripping the rocks tightly. I used them to hold me up as I looked around again. I couldn’t see anything but darkness._

_“Mummy!” I shouted, pushing off the rocks. A mistake on my behalf. Another wave crashed into me, and I slammed against the rock face. I screamed when my arm cracked. As my mouth was open, water surged down my throat and into my lungs. I choked, coughing it back up. All my energy went into coughing, into favouring my painful arm, I forgot to stay afloat and to look for mum._

_I hit the rocks again. I scrambled to get a grip on it, but my fingers kept sliding off it. I choked on a sob, squinting into the darkness. The sun was gone now._

_“Mum!” I screamed into the darkness. “Mummy!” Inhaling sharply, I kicked off from the rocks, swimming one handed across to the other side. “Mum?”_

_A hand grabbed me and I screamed, whirling around. Mum stared at me. Her dark hair was draped across her shoulders and face, and she was breathing heavily. Heavier than she normally would be. She blinked hard at me, reaching up to cup my face. I sobbed, reaching for her._

_“Oh, darling boy,” she whispered, holding me close. I stifled a shout as my arm crushed between us. Mum instantly leaned back, looking down into the dark water before she caught my eye. “What’s happened? Are you hurt?”_

_I bit into my lower lip as I nodded, tears streaming down my cheeks. Mum hushed me, pressing her trembling lips to my forehead. I squeezed my eyes shut, savouring her motherly touch. I could feel her shaking as she wrapped her arms around me and slowly dragged me toward a slanted rocky edge._

_Another wave slammed onto us as we moved, but mum caught me tightly and gripped the rocks behind me as it did its damage. I huffed in a sharp breath as we continued swimming along. When we reached the edge, mum helped me scramble onto the ledge, and then she followed me, taking my arm in hand as she pulled me to my feet._

_“Come on,” she dragged me up the rocks. My arm screamed in pain, and I was close to vocalising it. I bit hard onto my tongue to stop it, though. “Lorie, hurry!”_

_I nodded, trying to keep up with her. I slipped a couple of times on the rocks, and squeezed my eyes shut as she led me up another rock. But then mum swore and her body was pressing me tightly against the rock face. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, wrapping my arms around her tightly. I squeezed._

_Another wave hit us, this one seeming to be harder than any other. It threw mum right off her feet, and took me with her. I hit the rocks, somewhere to my left, and then slipped back into the rock pool. I swallowed a mouthful of water as I attempted to right myself, but another wave hit and I was thrown back under. I thrashed, pushing myself back to the surface. When I broke free I looked around, again. Where was she?!_

_“Mum!” I screamed, loud. It was almost a screech._

_A hand grabbed my arm, yanking me back. I gasped, turning and throwing my arms around her neck instantly. She hissed in pain. I blinked rapidly, my breath hitching as I pushed away._

_“Mummy?”_

_Her skin was pasty, and her lips weren’t their normal colour. I blinked hard, reaching up to touch her shoulder, but mum caught my hand in hers, squeezing hard. My breath escaped in a whoosh._

_“Lorie,” she whispered, her voice hoarse as he fingers reached up, brushing my wet hair back. Her fingers trembled. “Son.”_

_“Mummy?” My chin trembled. I attempted to grab at her, to throw my arms around her. She wouldn’t let me, her breath coming out in short, sharp pants._

_“Son…”_

_My breath hitched. “Mummy,” I anxiously grabbed at her, squeezing her hands tight in mine. Everything blurred and froze as mum took a shaky breath, bringing her fingers up from beneath the filthy water. They were bright red. My chest ached._

_“I-- I… I’m sorry.”_

_I choked, releasing her hands to grab at her, to see where she bled._ Let me help you! _I screamed._

_“Why?” I whispered, pushing against her hold as she propped herself against the rocks behind her. Her eyes fluttered and I shook my head, swimming backward a little. I tilted my head back at the dark sky._

_“Dad!” I screamed. “Daddy! Addi!” I screamed louder, my throat being ripped raw. “Someone!”_

_“Loran,” mum whispered. I swam back to her, keeping my arm hard against my chest. Her quivering fingers brushed my cheek gently, and she forced her eyes to open. “I love you, remember tha--”_

_She choked and water spewed from her mouth. She coughed harshly, her entire body tensing and she bit back a curse. I squeezed her hand in mine._

_“I love you, too.” I pressed as close as she would let me. “I love you, too, mummy.” I attempted to hook my arm around her, but she wouldn’t let me. I shook my head. “Mummy, stay awake. Daddy’ll be here soon.”_

_She shook her head, coughing again. “Zelda… Zelda would have been so proud.”_

_I blinked, shaking my head. “Who?” I shook my head again, harder this time as her eyes fluttered, closing and not opening. “Mummy?” I pressed against her shoulder. “Mummy!”_

_Her lips twitched, tinged blue. “I love you… my son.”_

_“Mummy?” I pushed at her shoulders. “Mummy?”_

_She didn’t respond. My heart slammed against my sternum. I pushed off from the rocks. I stared at her hard, at her chest. It wasn’t moving. What did Chester tell me about basic first aid? I shook my head. I couldn’t remember._

_“Mummy open your eyes,” I demanded in a whisper, swimming back to her side. “Mummy?”_

_I wrapped my arm around her tightly, propping her against the rocks as best I could. I pressed my cheek to her shoulder as hot, wet tears slipped down my cheeks. “Mummy?”_

_No response._

_My lips trembled. “Mummy, pl--” my breath caught, hitching. I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth, my vision blurring. “Please.”_

_Still no response._

_I pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek. The same she gave me when I was cheeky. She didn’t stir. I shook my head. No. No, no, no. Mummy!_

_“Mummy, please. I love you. Mummy, I love you. Please wake up. Please.” I shook her shoulders. “Please!”_

_She didn’t._

***

I gasped, choking on the lake water as I kicked myself to the surface. I broke the surface and choked, pressing the heel of my palms to my eyes. I choked on a sob.

“Loran!”

The words were fuzzy and distant. I ignored them, sobbing into my palms as I kicked pointlessly at the water, trying to keep myself afloat. What was the point, though? I only brought heart ache. I only killed. It’s all I was good at it.

“Loran!”

Mum was dead because of me. I’m sure Zelda was, too. If I’d not been born, she might have done things differently. She might have stayed. Mum would never have rescued me. She never would have died. My brothers wouldn’t be motherless; Bill wouldn’t be widowed.

“Loran?” Alexander’s breath warmed my ear as he draped a heavy arm around my shoulder. “Hey, we’re alright, yeah? I told you we’d be fine.”

I shook my head, continuing to cry. I scolded myself for the ugly sounds. For the crying. There was no point. What could crying do? It wasn’t going to bring mum back? It wouldn’t resurrect Zelda. They were gone. Forever.

I sobbed harder.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alexander murmured. He shifted. “Oh, look, your brothers!”

“Loran!”

Alexander released me and Berling’s arms were tight and warm around me. I gasped, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly. I clung. Clung like I’d never clung before as I pressed my face against his neck and continued my disgusting, disturbing noises. Berling shushed me, sliding his large palm into my hair, twining his fingers into the locks and tugging gently.

I hooked my legs around his waist, shaking my head into his shoulder when he attempted to talk to me. I didn’t have anything to say. Not yet. I could only spew apologies, and that would confuse him too much.

I did need to thank Alexander, though. I needed to tell him how thankful I was, that I was alive, not dead. God, I was so thankful.

I sniffled sharply, turning my head to do just that, but Alexander was gone, swimming to the edge already. I blinked, biting my lip. Shit. He didn’t stick around when he clambered onto the stones and tree roots, instead disappearing through the thick bush.

Berling turned around with me still clinging, and slowly waded back to the edge. I could faintly hear my brothers’ anxious voices. Berling didn’t slow as we left the water, even though my weight and the weight of my clothes must have been dragging him down. He didn’t complain.

I did drop my legs when we were on land, and I unwillingly unhooked my arms, turning around. Addison immediately grabbed me in a hug, wrapping his dry jacket around my shoulders as he pressed a chaste kiss to my temple.

“What happened?” He demanded, fingers twitching against my jaw. “Are you hurt?”

My lower lip trembled as I glanced up, catching his eye. There was so much pain and worry reflected there, my heart almost shattered. I held it together, though. Slowly, I took his hand in mine and smiled shakily at the rest of my brothers, who didn’t look much better than Addison.

“Can we go home, please?”

Nobody argued.


	31. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Loran -**

Chester pressed his palm to my forehead, a frown ruining his beautiful features. His skinny fingers hooked under my chin, and he gently tilted my head to the side. His thumb grazed the side of my head, down my face. He blew out through his teeth as he withdrew his hands, pushing himself to his feet.

I blinked up at him. “So, doctor, am I all right?”

Chester rolled his eyes as he took my hand, tightening the bandage he’d put there earlier. I’d cut my palms up pretty well on the branch, and while the bandage was purely annoying, the tightness seemed to keep my hands from shaking. So I was, minimally, grateful.

Chester helped me up from the edge of the tub, his lips touching mine as I shuffled past him. I almost leaned back into him, though, seeking those lips once more. Their warmth was addicting and comforting. Exhaling, I forced myself to leave the bathroom, only for Chester to chuckle and grab my shoulders, turning me back around.

I opened my mouth to protest his treatment, but he placed a glass of water in my bandaged hands, raising an eyebrow at me. I smiled sheepishly as I swallowed it down. When I passed the glass back, he ran his fingers through my hair.

“Yes,” he assured, dropping his arm to his side. “You’re fine. Just some cuts. You’re lucky you know how to swim and we you got out so quickly.” His pink lips twitched into a half-smile. “You’re a strong boy, Lorie.”

I crinkled my nose, turning my back to him. “No shock?”

Chester followed me out of the bathroom. “No shock. Besides the crying--” I cringed, “—you seem absolutely fine.”

I huffed under my breath, stepping into the hallway. I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Thanks Ches--” I smacked into a wall of flesh and warmth. Stepping back I looked up to Addison, who stood over me for a second before grabbing me.

I blinked, shocked. Addison’s entire body seemed to trembled as he held me, his hands shaking as they squeezed my arms. Slowly, I lifted my own arms, hooking them around him tightly. Addison exhaled shakily, his breath warm against my cheek as he pulled away. One of his large hands cupped my jaw as he leaned down, and I inhaled sharply a second before his lips touched mine.

My lips tingled as he withdrew, only letting his touch mine for a moment. My lips twitched into an unconscious smile as I lifted my fingers to brush them along my still tingling lower lip. He kissed me. Like… Like it was natural. Normal. Like he loved me.

I stood there in awe as Addison rested his hand on my shoulder, glancing to Chester.

“Is he all right?”

The three of us walked into the lounge room as Chester recited the same thing he told me. _Absolutely fine. A little cut up. The crying…_ I shook my head, not wishing to dive into that conversation just yet.

Graden sat on the floor in the middle of the lounge room, a book in his lap and his glasses on. That immediately clued me into something being wrong. Addison and Chester had the same realisation, as Addison’s hand left my shoulder and he walked across the room.

Graden lifted his head as Addison dropped in front of him. I swallowed, licking my lips as Addison reached up to remove Graden’s glasses, his first line of defence when he was visibly upset. Graden shook his head, murmuring something as he reached for Addison’s hand, stopping him. Addison said something back, his voice low and pitched only for Graden’s ears.

Chester touched my shoulder, drawing me into the kitchen when Addison settled down beside Graden. I resisted for a moment, not wanting to leave either of them, but Chester was persistent. I sighed as he pulled me toward the dining table, where Kerrick was scribbling into a notebook. He caught sight of us through his peripheral vision and he glanced up, smiling in greeting.

I took a seat beside him, leaning against his shoulder to peek down at what he was doing. Kerrick closed his notebook instantly, and I caught his eye, baffled. His lips twitched.

“Don’t take offence,” Chester chuckled from the kitchen as he began taking down pots and pans. “He doesn’t let anybody look at that thing.”

I blinked, leaning harder against Kerrick. I pulled my best pout, but Kerrick laughed softly, shaking his head as he stood up. I frowned, pushing my chair back as I followed him. Kerrick didn’t stop me from following him as he stepped into the hallway and then into the bedroom he shared with quads.

I could hear the distant sound of a shower running, the pipes rumbling throughout the house as I closed the door behind me. Kerrick slid his notebook under his pillow and I walked toward him, draping myself across his back. Kerrick huffed, turning around and sitting back on his bed, drawing me onto his lap.

My eyebrows jumped in shock as I straddled him, my fingers gripping at his shoulders as Kerrick slid back to rest his back against the wall, taking me with him. He smiled up at me, tilting his head back. I beamed down at him, leaning down to brush our lips together. My heart pounded in my chest as I made contact, my fingers clenching harder around his shoulder, bandages be damned.

It felt… surreal. To be able to do this, freely.

Kerrick’s lips were soft beneath mine. His fingers sliding up my waist and back down again as he drew me closer. Our chests touched, and for a moment I worried I would hurt him. Kerrick’s fingers ran up my sides once more, one hand sliding into my hair to tug me closer. He tilted his head, his lips moulding easier to mine. Electricity buzzed around us, making me gasp.

Kerrick took the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth. For somebody so innocent… he knew how to play dirty. Kerrick laughed, breaking our kiss off, and I sat back, running my hands down his arms. Kerrick’s eyes met mine, intense and sparkling.

“Lorie,” he whispered, shaking his head, “I’ve been taught how to be ‘dirty.’”

I frowned for a second before my eyes widened and my jaw slackened. “Did I… Did I say that out-loud?”

Kerrick’s eyes twinkled as he sat up straighter, shifting me in his lap. “Yes.” He withdrew his fingers from my hair, brushing them down my cheek before settling his hands on my thighs. Incredibly close to the region between them. Sinking my teeth into my lower lip, I hesitantly rolled my hips forehead. Experimentally. Kerrick’s eyes widened a fraction and he glanced down, his hands momentarily tightening around me.

“Are we…” I began, stopping when Kerrick undid the string at my waist. I watched him, swallowing hard as his fingers dipped into the waistband, touching me through my underwear. My cheeks began to burn, and Kerrick’s did, too as his eyes flickered up at me. I bit my lip harder, rolling my hips hesitantly, groaning when Kerrick’s fingers attempted to slide around me. I jolted, my hands slamming down on his shoulders.

Kerrick inhaled deeply, biting his own lip as his other hand slid into my pants. I squeezed his shoulders. The walls stopped vibrating as whoever was in the shower got out, and I remembered my original train of thought. Squeezing Kerrick’s shoulders again, I leant my head down, trying to catch his eye.

“Are we allowed to, um, do this?” I asked, and Kerrick frowned.

“What do you mean?”

I bit back a moan as his fingers tightened around my shaft, sliding up and back down. “I mean, um… without anybody else? You’re allowed--” I stopped, eyes widening when the door opened. Kerrick jumped, pulling his hands free and I snapped my head around, catching sight of Hunter, Ike and Jackson, stepping into the room. They wore briefs with towels around their necks, slowly drying their hair.

Ike froze first, eyes widening as he scanned Kerrick and I. Jackson grumbled at him when he hit his shoulder trying to walk past, but when he, too, caught sight of us, he froze. Hunter just stood in the doorway, watching from afar.

Kerrick was frozen beneath me, and I was no better. My fingers clenched harder into Kerrick’s shoulders, and I licked my dry lips. I tried to think of something to say – anything, really.

Jackson beat me to it, wolf-whistling. I turned beet-red, the heat sliding down my neck and throughout my body as Jackson walked further into the room, crawling onto the bed beside us. I watched him warily, my heart thundering and my breath quickening. _Shit_. This is what I was trying to ask Kerrick. If it was okay to do… stuff… behind closed doors to the rest of our brothers.

“Hot damn.” Jackson licked his lips. I twitched, recoiling until I realised what he said. _Hot damn?_ Jackson shifted closer, his breath warm on my cheek as he stroked Kerrick’s face. Kerrick slowly relaxed, his hands returning to their natural state on my thighs. I couldn’t relax.

“This was… not expected.” Ike murmured as Hunter stepped inside, closing the door quietly behind him. Ike moved to the bed, settling on the edge as he crossed his legs over each other, leaning his elbow on his knee and his head in his palm. He gazed at Kerrick and I. I turned away.

“Hey,” Hunter called, but I didn’t turn back. My pounding heart was deafening. My hands were sweaty beneath their bandages. I bit my tongue. “Lorie,” Hunter’s hands touched my back. “Lorie, this is hot.” He pressed his lips to my cheek, beckoning me to turn back around. “ _You_ are hot.”

Kerrick hummed in agreement, his hands sliding back into my sweats. I gasped, snapping my head back around, grabbing at his wrists. Kerrick immediately withdrew his fingers, not daring to push me. For that I was thankful. Kerrick’s eyes met mine. A message.

 I exhaled slowly and leant forward to kiss him. When our lips touched, there was a chorus of breaths around us. The sound made my lips twitch and I leaned harder against Kerrick. I sucked on his lower lip for a second, tilting my head to slide in deeper. One of Kerrick’s hands slid to my back, pulling me closer as he bit down on my lip. I gasped, my hands sliding around his neck, pulling us closer together.

Somebody, Jackson I think, shuffled off the bed. I turned to see what he was doing, but Kerrick’s other hand reached up to touch my cheek, keeping my attention on him. I licked into his mouth, the way everybody kissed me. Kerrick’s tongue met mine, and it sent shocks down my spine. I breathed him, his sweet and sugary taste. Addicting.

Jackson, I think, returned hurriedly, clambering onto the bed. There was a sharp inhale from Ike and Hunter, one I couldn’t ignore. This time I pulled away from Kerrick, turning my head to see what the commotion was about. Jackson lunged at me, and fabric slipped over my eyes. I recoiled, barely stifling a shout as Jackson’s lips touched mine, shushing me.

He tightened the fabric behind my head, and I pulled my hands away from Kerrick to touch at the knot. Hunter swatted my hands away, his calloused and rough. I blinked, shaking my head as I slid off Kerrick’s lap, onto the bed and onto his pillow. I didn’t like this. Not like this. Maybe with everybody. But… but right now I didn’t want to be blinded.

“Loran, it’s all right,” Jackson assured, reaching out to touch my arm. “I just… I have a secret and I couldn’t let you see it until I _told_ you.”

I bit my tongue, not saying anything. Kerrick shuffled along the bed, so he was sitting beside me. He hooked an arm around my waist, pulling me closer and I calmed, leaning against him. Jackson removed his hand, shuffling around a little more.

“…Jackson.” Hunter inhaled slowly, his voice tight. Jackson shushed him, and there was the slide of fabric over skin.

“Lorie, we have a… a secret if you will…” Jackson began, his voice straining for a second as elastic snapped and more fabric slid. “And… and you can’t tell, okay? Not-- not yet.”

“I--” My words were cut off as Jackson slid forward, his scent suffocating for a second, addicting at the same time. He reached behind me, untying the fabric. He didn’t let it fall, though. “I won’t.”

“Won’t?” He queried softly.

“Won’t tell,” I assured, my breath catching. I blinked quickly when the fabric fell away. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Maybe bondage? More blindfolds, perhaps rope, cuffs… but weren’t those the things they already in the larger bedroom? My eyes fluttered to Jackson, who knelt in front of me, in…

My mouth went dry.

“Are… are those panties?” I whispered, dazed as I began to reach forward, only to freeze. Jackson offered a wobbly smile, nodding encouragingly. I licked my lips, sliding my fingers along his hips, across the elastic, red panties. They didn’t leave much to the imagination. They barely held him, but… but _wow_.

Jackson spread his thighs a little bit, and my hand slipped. I grazed his heat, my eyes widening. The texture of the fabric against his growing warmth was a strange sensation, but incredibly… arousing? I swallowed thickly, picturing myself in such a thing. I quickly shook the thought from my mind, feeling myself stir. I wouldn’t be able to pull it off the way Jackson did.

Sliding my gaze up, my eyes widened at the red satin that clung to Jackson’s chest, like a corset but… but not exactly. It flowed, dancing every time Jackson moved, and he had great pleasure in moving. Spreading his thighs more.

“We were wondering,” Hunter spoke, his warmth at my side, “if the thought of wearing something such as that was… appealing to you?”

My jaw dropped and I snapped my head up to Hunter. We locked eyes for a moment, before I hastily nodded. My throat was dry, my mouth filling with saliva as I almost drooled. Jackson swallowed thickly, wetting his lips as he shuffled off the bed, standing in the middle of the room to help Hunter find something in the wardrobe.

I turned to Kerrick as they flickered through garments. Kerrick offered me a small smile, brushing his fingers down my cheek. I pressed my hand against his, keeping it there.

“Is this okay?” He murmured. I nodded.

Jackson returned, with a pair of black, purple and white panties. He tossed them onto the bed, snapping his fingers before stripping the red non-corset off and tossing it to Hunter, who grumbled but snatched it away and tossed it in the wardrobe.

Jackson stood strong and appealing as he nodded to the three sets of panties, beaming. Ike rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. Jackson huffed at him, snatching up the black pair and placing them in his mouth. Ike’s eyes widened and he blinked, lips parting as Jackson grabbed his hands, drawing him to his feet. Ike stumbled for a second, fingers clenching into fists as Jackson dropped to his knees in front of him.

I watched, my own eyes widening, as Jackson slid Ike’s briefs down his thighs. When Ike’s cock was visible, Jackson leant forward, making and keeping eye contact with Ike as he slid the head into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks and sucking once, before releasing. Ike gasped, fingers clenching tighter by his side before they slid into Jackson’s hair.

“Jack-- Jackson,” Ike mumbled, choking on his tongue as he stepped out of his boxers and into the black panties. Jackson slowly, very slowly, hiked them up over Ike’s calves. He leaned forward slowly and Ike’s breath hitched. Jackson didn’t go for his cock, though, instead pressing a chaste kiss to Ike’s thigh before sliding the fabric over them, snapping the fabric around his waist.

Ike inhaled slowly, staring down at Jackson for a moment longer. Jackson grinned up at him, sliding his body along Ike’s as he stood. When he was at his full height, the same height as Ike, he drew him in for a kiss. Ike moaned, fingers twining around Jackson’s shoulders before he stepped away, heading for the wardrobe.

Jackson let him go, picking up the purple pair and gesturing for Kerrick. Kerrick didn’t move for a long moment, and I glanced at him. His lips were twitching, caught between smiling and grimacing. I squeezed his as best I could, and Kerrick’s eyes flickered to mine. I offered a smile, hoping it would convey a positive message.

Kerrick still seemed hesitant, but he unwrapped his arm from around me and slid off the bed. As he stood in front of Jackson, the older quad slipped his shirt off, leaning in to kiss him once the piece of clothing was tossed to a grumbling Hunter. Kerrick sighed against Jackson’s lips, leaning forward. Jackson held him, kissing him deeper until Kerrick almost toppled forward. He then dropped to his knees, dragging Kerrick’s pants and briefs down in one fluid motion.

Kerrick shakily stepped out of them, and into the purple underwear Jackson grabbed. Jackson made quick work hiking them up over Kerrick’s waist, standing up to pull him in for another kiss. Kerrick smiled, albeit shakily, into the kiss. Jackson’s fingers pulled at the fabric around his waist as he kissed him deeper, and then he pulled away.

Kerrick blinked, dazed. Jackson chuckled, giving him a gentle push toward Ike, who was sliding on a pair of black skinny jeans, tossing a pair to Kerrick, who barely managed to catch them before they smacked him in the face. Ike snorted, apologising as he tugged a plain white t-shirt one, grabbing another for Kerrick. I watched as he pulled it over Kerrick’s head, while Kerrick tugged on his jeans.

I lost my breath when they birth stood up straight. I think it was more arousing knowing that beneath those jeans was an incredibly erotic sight.

Jackson cleared his throat from the end of the bed, and my gaze flickered to him. He rose an eyebrow at me, finger hooking out as he gestured for me. Mouth suddenly feeling very dry, I slowly crawled along the bed, stepping off with shaky legs. I ran my bandaged hands down my thighs, feeling a slight quiver as Jackson grabbed the white panties off the bed. He grinned at me, stepping closer and dropping to his knees.

I gasped, my hands touching his shoulders as he began to draw my sweats down, sliding my briefs along with them. I bit into my lower lip, feeling incredibly exposed, half-hard, in only my shirt. Jackson licked a warm strip up my thigh and I jolted. Jackson didn’t mess around anymore as he hiked the panties up my thighs, flicking them against my waist as he rose to his feet. When he stood higher than me, he touched the hem of my shirt, his eyes meeting mine.

Asking permission.

Oh. _Oh_. To stand here _shirtless_. That was asking a lot. But I… I glanced to Kerrick and Ike, both of whom had looked gorgeous in only their panties. I looked to Jackson, who stood tall and lean in front of me. His body was toned, perfectly cupped and pulled everywhere. He looked magnificent.

I… I looked nothing like that.

I held my breath as I stepped away, shaking my head. Jackson’s face fell, but he still tried to smile for my sake. I mouthed an apology, but he turned away before seeing it.

“Lorie, do you have any black skinny jeans?” He asked, walking to the wardrobe where he dragged out his own pair, and another white shirt. I blinked at the abrupt change in him, but I knew it was because he didn’t want to make me feel worse.

I slowly settled myself on the edge of the bed, dragging my shirt down over my knees. I couldn’t help but notice my pale skin in comparison to the four of them. I didn’t spend my time outside. Not anymore. The beach was a distant hobby for me, and I missed it so much, but these past few months had been a struggle.

My nose twitched as a frown worked itself onto my face. When had I stopped caring for the beach? It couldn’t have been too recently? I still _loved_ it… I just didn’t go much anymore…

“Loran?”

I snapped my head up to see the quads staring at me, altering looks of confusion. I blinked a couple of times, my brow creasing. “Sorry, what?”

Jackson huffed, tugging a white shirt on as he tossed on to Hunter, who was also the only one who wore his day-to-day underwear. “Black jeans?”

I blinked again. “Oh! Yeah, uh, in my suitcase.” Which I had yet to unpack. Oops.

Jackson nodded, humming under his breath as he pulled on his own jeans. He turned, batting his lids at Hunter. “Be a babe, go and fetch those for him?”

Hunter rolled his eyes, uncrossing his arms from over his chest as he left the bedroom, making sure to close the door behind him. When he was gone, Jackson grabbed a small bag from beneath his bed, setting himself on the ground and dragging Ike and Kerrick down to sit beside him. I kept myself at a safe distance on the bed.

Jackson withdrew foundation, and mascara, and lip gloss and a range of different things I didn’t know the name of. I leaned forward, my interest sparked as Ike crinkled his nose and attempted to lean away, pushing into Kerrick.

“Jackie, love you and all, but if you put any of that on my face--” Ike was cut off as Jackson squirted foundation onto the back of his hand. He dipped his finger into it, and glanced to Ike, whose eyes narrowed. He opened his mouth, to object again, when Jackson leaned forward and wiped his finger down Ike’s cheek.

Ike swore, rubbing at it when Jackson pulled away, but only managed to rub it in more. Huffing in frustration, he crossed his arms. Jackson beamed, rubbing more onto a small squishy thing which he used to apply it to Ike and Kerrick’s faces. Kerrick didn’t seem to mind as much as Ike, he just sat and let Jackson go crazy. I watched on with great interest, having not seen the application of make-up. It was like science. This specific colour went here, and this one, even though it looked the same, went here and framed the face, because if you put it anywhere else it would throw everything off.

I tilted my head, leaning closer as Jackson blended different shades of beige into one another, highlighting Ike and Kerrick’s cheeks before he did the same to himself. I rested my chin in my palm as I leaned forward more. Jackson caught my eye and his eyes crinkled as he beamed at me.

“Lorie, do you want me to do you, too?”

I blinked, sitting back. Ike spluttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Why does he get a choice!”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “Shut up. I gave you a choice in the beginning, too.”  

Ike shook his head, muttering under his breath as Jackson turned back to me. I bit my lower lip, shaking my head. While it looked interesting, I would pass this time. Jackson shrugged, returning to the task at hand. He was applying mascara and eye-liner by the time Hunter returned, my jeans in hand. I caught them when he tossed them, and then he walked to the wardrobe, grabbing a plain white shirt, which he also tossed to me. I frowned, standing up and hastily tugging on the jeans. I stopped when I reached for the hem of my shirt, though.

“Come here,” Hunter called, beckoning for me. I went to him, wiping anxiously at my shirt. Would I even be able to get it off with my bandaged hands? I still had the use of my fingers, but it was awkward. Hunter took hold of my shoulders, turning me around to face the wardrobe. “Hide behind the door. We won’t look.”

He then turned away, going to kneel on the ground with the others. I glanced over my shoulder, watching as he slid one hand into Ike’s hair and another into Kerrick’s, his fingers moving in gentle circles as Jackson finished applying the mascara, moving to the lip gloss.

I hastily turned around, grabbing awkwardly at the hem of my shirt. I managed to tug it up over my head and tossed it to the side. I glanced over my shoulder as I slid the white shirt on. Not because I didn’t trust them, but because…

I shook my head at myself, sliding my hands down the shirt front as I stepped out from behind the cover. Hunter glanced at me as I shuffled past him, settling myself back on the bed, lifting one leg to hug to my chest. Jackson finished applying the lip gloss and began to pack up his kit. Hunter cleared his throat. Jackson turned to him, raising an eyebrow.

“You want make-up?” He asked, continuing to zip up the bag. Hunter raised an eyebrow too. “Sorry, babe, it’s all gone.” He pushed the bag under his bed, turning around to face Hunter. “But, I mean, here you go.” He leaned forward, pressing his glossy lips to Hunter’s cheek, pulling back with an exaggerated kiss sound.

“Ah, fuck off,” Hunter grumbled, slipping his hands from Ike and Kerrick’s hair to rub at his face. Jackson beamed, standing up and grabbing for Kerrick’s hands as Hunter pulled Ike up. “Dinner should be ready soon.”

Ike blew out through his teeth, scowling “Great.”

“That _is_ great.” Jackson agreed, turning to me to grab my hands and pull me to my feet. I stumbled, but Jackson caught me, continuing to beam. “Lorie, let us explain to you a thing.”

“A thing?” I murmured, dropping my hands to my side, searching for Kerrick’s own. Jackson nodded at me.

“Yes, a thing.” He pulled at his shirt. “You see this outfit? The one all five of us are wearing? It’s the outfit we wear when we’re agreeing to touching, but nothing beneath the clothing. It’s so they don’t see the…” Jackson cut himself off, his cheeks tinging pink for the first time. Ike’s scowl melted from his face as he leaned forward, cupping Jackson’s cheeks tenderly. Jackson pulled a face, but didn’t go on talking, so Ike turned to me, hooking an arm around Jackson’s shoulders.

“Like we said earlier, this is something the others don’t know yet.” Ike waved at all of them. “Jackie’s… or ours? Our love for this kind of clothing, this kind of fabric.” Ike’s arm tightened around Jackson’s neck. “Jackson in particular.” Ike dropped a kiss on Jackson’s cheek. “Anyway, we established a long time ago with the others that if we went out wearing this,” he gestured to himself, “it meant we were cool for the touching and the kissing and grinding, but no hands were to go underneath. At all.”

“Of course,” Hunter murmured, “there’s always the odd one who does accidentally. So that’s where I come in, with my regular underwear, so nothing is too suss.”

“And of course,” Ike continued, “they have absolutely no idea.”

“And we want to keep it that way…” Jackson mumbled. “At least for a while longer.”

I… I could only nod, squeezing Kerrick’s hand. Jackson nodded, too, pulling out from beneath Ike’s shoulder. He then grinned and turned around, nodding to the door.

“All righty, let’s go.” He grabbed Ike and Hunter’s hands. “I’m half starved, how about you?”

Kerrick and I followed into the kitchen, where there was a collective groan. Chester, who was setting out plates on the kitchen bench, chuckled, leaning forward to eye the five of us.

“I see you’ve recently recruited.”

Jackson laughed, wiggling his ass as he dropped Hunter and Ike’s hands. He walked around the dining table, dropping a kiss on Berling’s head, who was sitting typing away on his IPad. His hand shot out to grab Jackson’s as he walked past, though. Jackson laughed, turning and trying to pull his hand free. Berling rolled his eyes, lifting his head and shifting his chair back. He pulled Jackson down onto his lap, smothering his mouth in a kiss, which Jackson grinned into, wrapping his arms around Berling’s neck.

“Yes,” Hunter responded to Chester, walking to the kitchen bench where Elliott was typing away on his laptop. Beside him was Freyne, who was leaning across the bench, one hand on Graden’s. Both of their gazes were on us, though, and I wondered how often the quads did this. Hunter dropped an arm around Elliott’s shoulder, leaning down while keeping his eyes on Chester. “In case you missed it, we’ve gone from quads to quintuplets.”

Chester hummed under his breath, scooping peas and carrots onto each plate. Graden averted his gaze and pulled away from Freyne so he could help Chester, despite Chester’s protests. Graden piled chicken onto each plate, except one. He moved to put the pan down, but Chester stopped him, his eyes warm and gentle as he guided Graden back to the plates.

“Baby,” he whispered, “you need to eat.”

Graden’s nose twitched, but he slid a piece of chicken onto the otherwise lacking plate. Chester looked like he wanted to protest some more, but bit his tongue and nodded. Graden turned away, placing the pan back down. I opened my mouth, to ask if he was all right, when arms wrapped around my waist tight.

“Don’t tell me they’ve drawn you into this, too.” Addison laughed against my ear, pressing a kiss to my cheek before he let me go, walking around me to take a seat at the bench. He gestured for me to go to him, and I did, happily leaning against him as Ike took Kerrick’s hand and the two of them sat at the dining table, on either side of Daiton.

“I let them,” I assured, wrapping my arms around Addison’s waist. Graden moved to the fridge, pulling out a large jug of juice, and a bottle of water. I felt Addison tense and he shifted around, one his arms falling around my shoulder as he watched Graden place the jug in the middle of the table and the bottle at his place.

“Graden--” He began, but Berling shook his head, standing up as Graden left the kitchen. I swallowed, standing up straight as Berling followed him. The kitchen went silent for a long moment, and I looked to Addison, who stared hard at the door before he slid off the chair, taking my hand in his as he led me out of the kitchen.

We stood in the hallway for a moment, in the silence, until Graden and Berling’s voices could be heard. Addison pulled me down the hall, stopping in the doorway of the large bedroom. I glanced in, over the large bed to where Graden was sitting on the edge, facing the bathroom door. One leg was drawn to his chest, and he hugged it tight, his face hidden. Berling kneeled in front of him, talking softly as he reached for Graden’s hand. Graden withdrew his hand, shaking his head.

Berling’s eyes caught Addison and I standing in the doorway, and he gestured with a tilt of his head. Addison guided me inside, settling me on the edge of the bed as he walked around to sit next to Graden, resting his arm around his shoulder.

I shuffled closer, but stopped before I got too close. Berling was still attempting to grasp Graden’s hand, but Graden wasn’t letting him. He was even trying to shrug out from Addison’s hold. Addison wouldn’t let him.

“Gray, just talk to us.” Addison urged, pressing his lips to Graden’s temple. “Let us help.”

Graden shook his head, his words muffled against his knee. “You _can’t_.”

Berling shifted closer, this time effectively taking Graden’s hand in his own. Graden squirmed to get out of the grip, but then caved in and lurched forward, his arm hooking around Berling’s neck. Berling’s eyes widened in surprise, but he caught him safely, and Addison slid off the bed to sit beside them. Together they both ran their palms up along Graden’s spine, trying to relax him. I don’t know if it was too successful.

Graden huffed, pulling away to wipe at his face. “You can’t help me.”

Berling shook his head. “I don’t believe that. Neither does Addi.”

Addison hummed. “You have eleven brothers’; you can talk to any one of us.”

I almost shook my head at that. He could _not_ talk to me. I would be absolutely no help whatsoever. I stopped myself from saying that, though. Instead watching as Graden seemed to struggle with himself for a moment. It was terrible to see. All my brothers were always so strong and brave in my mind, they never dealt with conflicts.

And here I was, witnessing Graden struggle.

I wasn’t the only one who was lost, it seemed.

“I love you,” Graden whispered, fighting to get off Berling. Berling and Addison didn’t stop him when he stood up, his back still to me. I wondered briefly if he knew I was here. Berling and Addison stared up at him, eyes intense, caring. Conveying the message that they were _there_.

Graden shook his head. “I love you. But I can’t.” He then walked swiftly past them and into the bathroom, where he slammed the door shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another brand new chapter. I was hope it was okay? Again, I'm trying to grab more at the brothers, instead of focusing solely and only ever on Loran. Since the original 'Thirteen,' I've realised that just because I don't write about my secondary characters as much as my sole first one, doesn't mean they didn't have a past, or don't have preferences and whatnot. 
> 
> I'm also sorry for my ambiguity around Graden right now. I have a head-canon where he's transgender, and I've had this head-canon since he was a mere spark in the back of my mind, but it's not actually canon - I'm sure a lot of you understand the feeling when one of your characters wants to be something, but in the story they aren't so there's the constant struggle of doing what the story says, while wanting to do what you feel is right. However, I also fear I don't know anywhere near enough on Trans* and I do not want to fuck it up. So, Graden is cisgender and the author is fighting with him at the moment. 
> 
> Maybe in a few years, when I feel more secure writing on Trans* and not so much like I'm going to offend someone, I'll do a rewrite (as an AU, so I'll still keep this version up) with Graden how he always has been to me. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, guys! We're almost at the end of 'Breathing the Ocean' and next will be 'Embrace the Fire.' That's not yet, though. Still a couple more chapters to go :)


	32. Chapter Thirty

**Loran -**

Cutlery clinked on the plates and nobody spoke. Graden’s empty seat went unmentioned, but that didn’t stop everybody from looking at it. Ike eyed it for a couple of seconds before turning away, biting into his lower lip as he shared a look with Jackson beside him. Jackson who appeared nervous, chewing on his lower lip as he placed a bit of chicken in his mouth.

My shoulders were drawn tight around my ears, as were Kerrick’s, and Hunter’s lips were drawn into a tight grimace, his brow furrowed. Freyne didn’t appear much better, his knuckles white as he gripped his fork. Elliott, with his dark eyes and intuition, shifted slightly, turning his body toward Freyne’s. I caught the slight hand hold. Elliott’s strong fingers slid over Freyne’s wrist, only for a second. He squeezed before he withdrawing.

Freyne’s gaze flickered to him, but Elliott focused on his dinner. Freyne’s lips twitched, and his eyes crinkled a little as he put his fork down and reached for Elliott’s hand again. My heart skipped a beat and I shifted in my seat as Elliott turned his hand around, entangling their fingers. It was barely noticeable, because they both continued to eat. But I couldn’t have been the only one to see it.

Addison shifted beside me, clearing his throat, which caught everybody’s attention. He set his knife and fork down, leaning backward so he could eye everybody. Daiton, who normally sat beside Graden, set his jaw as he glanced to Addison, lowering his cutlery and leaning back as he crossed his arms over his chest. It wasn’t a very welcoming stance, in fact it was one that left me feeling nervous and my palms sweating beneath the bandages.

Addison caught his eye wearily, tilting his head. Daiton’s eyebrows jerked, and his lips drew back in a half snarl. Beside me Chester shifted, leaning his elbows on the table, and I glanced at him to see catch him eyeing Daiton, too. Then I realised they were holding their own secret conversation.

 _Unbelievable_.

Across the table, Ike scoffed, dropping his own cutlery to run a hand down his face. When he drew it away, he jerked his chair back and stood.

“I’m sorry,” he spat, “but was it not miscommunication that got us into this mess?”

“Ike,” Berling started, but Ike waved his hand at him, cutting him short.

“As far as I, and the rest of my brothers, are concerned, one of us is missing. One of us does not feel _safe_ enough to be here. So instead of being pig-headed about it, _go to him_ and _check on him_.”

“Ike,” Addison murmured, “Berling and I already have--”

Ike shook his head, falling back into his chair. He waved his arm around the dining table. “There’s another nine of us. If it doesn’t work with you, send somebody else. I get that you’re the oldest. I get that you feel like you need to be the one to fix this. But we’re all grown men.” His eyes cut to me momentarily, and my cheeks began to warm. But he didn’t correct himself. “We can all help out. Okay?”

Addison didn’t say anything for a long moment, but then I reached my hand out, taking his beneath the table. Addison jerked, and snapped his head down. I blinked up at him, unsure if I was doing the right thing, but I would continue to squeeze his palm until he told me to not.

Licking his lips, Addison continued to stare at me, his blue eyes intense and raw. I tried to read them, but I didn’t know my brothers well enough. The thought send me into a whirlwind of pain because it wasn’t my choice to not know them-- was it? They left _me_ , not… not the other way around.

“All right,” Addison finally managed, shifting his gaze to Ike. Ike exhaled in relief, a small smile touching his lips as he nodded at Addison.

“Wonderful,” Ike stood again, collecting his half-empty plate. “Thank you for dinner, Chester.”

I watched in fascination as Ike turned, setting his plate on the kitchen bench as he passed, and then left, not turning back once. The kind of confidence he possessed – the confidence all my brothers possessed – was one of beauty. And I longed to find myself in a similar mindset. Instead of all this darkness that had disappeared, and was now back. It swirled around my brain like a long-lost friend, dipping into every wound, every memory I tried to cover up.

Chester cleared his throat beside me, and I jolted, squeezing Addison’s hand beneath the table. Addison frowned down at me, giving my hand a gentler squeeze. I bit into my lip, turning away as Chester slowly rose to his feet, collecting everybody’s plate. He made no comment on the leftover food, instead silently pulled out containers to put the leftovers in.

He worked silently and methodically, until Kerrick dragged his own chair back, standing to help. Chester offered him a thankful smile, and when he Kerrick finished putting all the containers away, Chester leaned forward against the bench. From such a distance, he managed to catch almost everybody’s eye. Hunter and Jackson even turned in their chairs, offering sheepish looks as Chester eyed everybody, his brow furrowed.

“God, it’s like your wife telling you off,” Berling muttered, leaning back in his chair. Chester pinned a glare on him, and it was possibly comical how Berling unfolded his arms and sat forward.

Daiton snorted, but when Chester turned to him, he ducked his head. A flash of a smile touched Jackson’s lips, but then it was gone as he stood up, too, grabbing Hunter’s hand. He walked around to Kerrick, who was fiddling with his fingers by the fridge. Jackson slung his arm around Kerrick’s shoulders, drawing him closer, and he tugged Hunter further into their personal space as Chester cleared his throat once more.

“I think for tonight,” Chester pushed himself up and turned around, “we all pack ourselves into the living room, and we watch a movie.” Chester opened one of the cupboards and collected mugs, setting them down on the bench when he turned back around. “I’ll make some hot chocolate, I’m sure Kerrie and Jackson will help me make some popcorn--”

“Chocolate covered!” Kerrick blurted. He burst into flames when everybody chuckled, and Chester licked his lips, suppressing a smile.

“--yes, chocolate covered popcorn.” Chester pinned a look directly at me, his dark eyes reflecting my inner turmoil. I knew what he was going to say, or at least, what he was thinking.

I dropped Addison’s hand, folding mine over each other atop the table. Addison turned his head toward me, but I ignored him, instead keeping my eyes on Chester, who turned the kettle on, without once taking his eyes off me.

“Tomorrow, we’re going to talk.” Chester’s voice was firm, no room for movement, no room to argue.

Elliott crinkled his nose, dropping his head onto his arms with a groan. Freyne scowled at him, digging his elbow into Elliott’s shoulder. The older jolted, cursing and glaring at Freyne, who continued to scowl, shaking his head.

“What?” Elliott demanded. “I prefer a hands-on approach, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Freyne shook his head, leaning his elbow on the table to pin Elliott with a glare. “Maybe not, but some of us do prefer talking. You know that. So shut up and suck it up.”

Elliott rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he slumped in his chair. “I would suck it, if you let me.”

“Hey,” Chester snapped, and Freyne’s cheeks tinged as he turned away.

“Brat,” he muttered under his breath. Elliott rolled his eyes, mimicking Freyne silently. Addison leaned forward, pinning Elliott with his own look. Elliott snapped his mouth shut and looked away, keeping his arms crossed.

“That’s enough,” Chester said, picking up the kettle as it began to scream. “Go and make yourselves comfortable. I don’t want to hear a peep, at all.”

“What’ll you do?” Elliott grumbled, pushing his seat back. “Spank us?”

“Don’t tempt me.” Chester didn’t miss a beat as he put the kettle back on the stove top, grabbing the milk and chocolate mixture. Elliott huffed under his breath, stomping past the table. Berling shoved his own chair back and rose, striding after him. He caught Elliott’s wrist before they entered the living room, and Elliott spun around, fire in his eyes, but it died when he met Berling’s eye.

I didn’t hear what they said as they disappeared into the living room, but I did hear a distinct shout of wary from Elliott, and Berling’s low, no-nonsense tone. I hated that tone. He’d used it on me a lot when I was younger, and now I couldn’t stand it. I cringed, while Addison laughed quietly. I assumed Berling never used the tone on him. 

Addison shook his head, still smiling as he stood up. “Nah, Lorie. Ber has used it on me, too.”

I blinked in surprise, standing up. Daiton followed our lead, while Freyne dropped his head to his arms on the table. He mumbled something under his breath, something that sounded distinctly like ‘fuck me.’ I blinked in surprise, but turned away when Kerrick walked around the table to me. I bit my lip, offering a smile as he wrapped his arms around me, dropping a kiss onto my temple.

“Come with me?” He whispered, taking my hand. I nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. He led me from the kitchen, and into the hallway. He then pulled me into the large room, but not before knocking first. There was a muffled voice saying to enter, and Kerrick pushed the door open, tugging me in behind him.

Graden sat on the bed with Ike, their hands clasped and settled on Graden’s lap. They both looked up when we entered, and Ike’s smile was considerably wider than Graden’s. Kerrick pulled me around to stand in front of them, and then he dropped my hand to wrap his arms around Graden’s neck.

“Hey, Kerrie,” Graden whispered, welcoming the hug. He wrapped his own arms around Kerrick’s middle, and I watched with a stabbing pain in my heart as Graden’s fingers dug into Kerrick’s shirt, like he was the younger one. Biting my lip, I shuffled on my feet, not sure what to do. Graden appeared comfortable beside Ike, and with Kerrick’s arms around him, like this was a common occurrence--

Although I certainly hoped it wasn’t.

I continued to stand there, biting my inner-cheek uncertainly, until Ike’s warm hand caught my wrist, and he tugged me onto his lap. I blinked in surprise, and went to stand up immediately. God knew I was too heavy.

Ike tutted under his breath, wrapping his arms around my waist as he pulled my back to his chest. “You’re beautiful, Lorie.”

_Don’t lie._

I didn’t respond. Ike’s arms tightened around me, though, and I hesitantly leaned more against him. I couldn’t deny the way it made me feel, to have somebody’s arms around me, to know somebody loved me.

 _God, how pathetic. I_ am _loved._

But sometimes I don’t feel like it, which makes moments like this memorable.

“Chester’s become mother-hen, again.” Kerrick whispered, pressing his lips to the top of Graden’s head. “We’re all shutting up to watch a movie.”

Graden huffed a chuckle, and Kerrick stepped away, his fingers lingering on Graden’s cheek for a moment longer before his arms dropped to his sides. I took a moment to take in Graden’s appearance, not liking the way his eyes were red-rimmed. He also sniffed a couple of times, running his hand over his face more than usual. But despite the glisten in his eyes, that wasn’t from the over-head light, he looked functional. He looked all right.

“Will you join us?” Kerrick asked quietly, eyes flickering to Ike, who tilted his head to catch Graden’s eye. Graden hummed, sliding back along the bed. He laid down, stretching his arms over his head. His shirt rode up along his stomach as he inhaled, and when he exhaled his stomach hollowed for a second. Ike and Kerrick grimaced, but Graden ignored them as he rolled onto his stomach, resting his chin on his arms.

“I guess I could watch a movie.”

Ike sighed, his body relaxing beneath me. He gave my waist a gentle squeeze as he stood up, and I stumbled away from him, shaking my head to rid the small tendrils of darkness that didn’t like the comfort I’d been given. Kerrick’s hand, warm as it latched onto mine, thankfully chased the darkness away.

“Wonderful.” Ike walked around the bed, squatting in front of Graden, who lifted his head. “Let’s go then.”

Graden didn’t move for a moment, but then he huffed and rolled off the bed, standing up straight. Ike beamed, grabbing his hand as Kerrick led us out of the room. Graden leaned forward behind us, snagging my wrist to draw me back. I startled at the touch, but Graden drew me back, forcing me to slip my hand from Kerrick’s. Ike took advantage of it and grabbed for Kerrick, drawing him under his arm, as Graden dropped his mouth to my ear.

“I’m really sorry I’ve ruined your day, Lorie,” Graden murmured, hugging me briefly. I frowned, leaning against him as I hooked my own arm around him.

“You’ve not ruined my day.”

Graden hummed in disbelief. “I’ve ruined everybody’s day.”

I shook my head, turning against him. I attempted to grab at his arm, but my bandages made it difficult. Graden did stop, though, and he looked down at me, his eyes a bright blue that were like nothing I’d ever seen. I licked my lips and hesitantly leaned up, kissing his lips. “You haven’t.”

Graden’s cheeks slowly darkened, but a smile graced his lips as his fingers slid into my hair, and he pulled me up for another kiss. His lips were slightly chapped and dry, as was his mouth, but he kissed with meaning, with a desperation I’d not seen from my other brothers. His fingers trembled slightly against my cheek as he pulled away, but his eyes twinkled with his smile and he took my hand gently in his.

We entered the living room behind Ike and Kerrick, to see the couch had been dragged around so it was directly in front of the television, with a couple of beanbags in front of it. The love-seat hadn’t been moved, but was instead being used as a table, with a wooden board on it holding steaming drinks. Kerrick shifted away from Ike, turning to enter the kitchen, where I caught a glance of Chester and Hunter, covering a bucket of popcorn in chocolate while the microwave hummed.

Graden’s tensed beside me when Daiton strode over, but then he visibly relaxed when Daiton wrapped his thick arms around his neck, dragging him into a hug. My hand fell out of Graden’s as he lifted them to grip Daiton’s shirt. I shuffled away, finding Freyne who was hitting Elliott with a pillow. Elliott was laughing beneath it, but by the furrow of Freyne’s brow it wasn’t a laughing matter.

Freyne smacked the pillow down on Elliott’s face one last time before dropping himself on top of him. Air whooshed out of Elliott’s mouth as he sat up, his arms wrapping around Freyne’s waist tightly, as he hid his face against Freyne’s shoulder, still shaking from laughter.

Freyne grumbled, pushing the pillow away as he leaned down on top of Elliott, forcing them both into the beanbag. Elliott happily laid back, hiking Freyne up against him, forcing him to straddle his waist, which didn’t seem to sit well with Freyne.

“Would you fuck off?” Freyne muttered, attempting to slide away. They both groaned when Freyne’s lower regions brushed against Elliott’s, and I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow when Elliott reached up, grabbing Freyne’s shoulders to tug him down. I expected Freyne to curse again, to push himself away, but he melted against Elliott’s chest, his thighs parting further as his fingers tangled into Elliott’s hair.

I crinkled my nose and turned away, only to smack against Berling, who was leaning against the wall behind me, eyeing Elliott and Freyne. He caught my eye when I hit him, and a smirk pulled at the corner of his lips. He reached forward, his hand twisting into my shirt as he pulled me forward. My eyes widened in surprise, but then he planted a kiss on me, that was… filthy.

His tongue slipped between my lips, lapping at my own tongue. His teeth bit against my lower lip, making me gasp. All the while his hands slid up my back, hiking my shirt up, and then down again. His palms ran along my backside, before squeezing it and pulling me closer. I bit into his mouth at the sensation, and Berling chuckled under his breath as he turned his head, drawing his lips along my jaw and down my throat.

“I’ve been wanting to do that since you came out dressed like that.”

 _Dressed like what?_ I thought, dazed. Berling chuckled again, his hands sliding along my waist and down my thighs before he pulled me against him harder. I gasped, my thighs sliding apart as he turned to push me against the wall, pressing his hips against mine. Berling’s warm mouth sucked and bit at my collarbone, and his hands wandered the length of my thighs and then up, slipping beneath my shirt, over my stomach.

My eyes widened and I pressed my bandaged palms to his shoulders. Berling slipped his hands down, back onto my waist, as he pulled his head back, staring down at me.

“Sorry.”

I didn’t say anything, breathing heavily as he cupped my jaw, leaning down to kiss me again.

“Surely,” his lips moved against mine, “the quads told you,” he sucked against my lower lip, “what that outfit means?”

I blinked, trying to think straight beneath his constant warmth and touching. What outfit? I’m wearing jeans and a shirt-- and panties.

The thought made something stir inside me, and I bit into my lower lip when Berling pulled away again, continuing to stare down at me. My eyelids fluttered as I glanced over his shoulder, trying to find one the quads, to ask them for help.

Because how could I have forgotten? The fabric was rubbing against my most intimate areas, cupping me and keeping me secure, and it was such a foreign feeling… yet it felt so _natural_. I could feel my neck and cheeks warming and I lifted my face to Berling again, his dark eyes ravishing me.

“I… I know.”

“I’m sure you do.” Berling chuckled, slipping his hands into the back pockets of my jeans, tugging me closer. “Is it some kind of kink?”

“A kink?”

Berling attempted to stifle his laugh this time. “Yes, a kink.” He grinned down at me. “You know what a kink is, right?”

I scowled, pushing at him harder. “I know what a kink is!”

Berling stepped back, laughing louder this time. I continued to scowl at him until Jackson danced around, pressing himself into the wall beside me. He fluttered his lids at Berling, while his arm draped around my shoulders. Berling’s dark eyes took both of us in, and then he hooked his finger into the belt loop of Jackson’s jeans and then mine, dragging us to the couch.

Berling dropped down, dragging Jackson down beside him, and then drew me down on top. I shook my head rapidly as he settled back in the couch, pulling me against his chest, and when I attempted to scramble off him, Jackson grabbed my legs and hooked them over his own. I blinked in shock, staring at Jackson in betrayal, but he blew me a kiss and leaned against Berling’s shoulder, bringing one of his hands further up my thigh, settling it just by my groin.

And then I realised how arousing it was, to be wearing panties without anybody knowing. To have them touching you, grinding against you, feeling you, all the while you’re living on the edge, because what if they slide their hands down to touch you? What if they feel the forbidden fabric?

Sighing, I crossed my arms over my chest. “I know what a kink is,” I grumbled, turning my head against Berling’s shoulder as Chester, Hunter and Kerrick entered from the kitchen, carrying popcorn.

Jackson made a sound of glee and grabbed for one. Hunter chuckled, placing a bucket on my lap to share with Berling and Jackson, as he took a seat on the floor, between the beanbags.

Elliott and Freyne had stopped making out, and instead were leaning back in the beanbag. Elliott, with his arms hooked around Freyne’s waist, and Freyne with his back to Elliott’s chest and his head resting on Elliott’s shoulder. On the other beanbag sat Daiton, with Graden and Ike. Both were leaning heavy into Daiton, and part of me worried he would break something, but he seemed calm as he hooked an arm around each of them, drawing them closer.

Kerrick passed out mugs of hot chocolate to everybody before taking a seat on the other side of the couch, between Addison and Chester. Both seemed relieved when he sat between them, and wrapped their arms around him, their fingers grazing each other before entwining.

A small smile touched my lips as I watched them, but then my attention was drawn to the television as _Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone_ began. Hunter whooped in excitement, leaning heavier against the couch, and my smile grew to a grin as I slowly and hesitantly leaned my full weight against Berling.

I caught his smile when I did, and while it didn’t make me feel one hundred percent comfortable, it did bring me a little bit of relief. We watched the entire movie, and then _The Chamber of Secrets_ , and then _The Prisoner of Azkaban,_ but by then it was hitting the early hours of the morning, and there were soft snores drifting about.

“I think that’s a wrap,” Addison whispered as the credits rolled. I blinked groggily, half dozing myself. I turned my head, catching sight of the popcorn bucket upturned and on the floor, popcorn strewn everywhere. My mug, thankfully empty, was beside it, as were Berling’s, Jackson’s and Hunter’s.

“Who’s asleep?” Elliott muttered, and I caught the sound of a shifting beanbag, before he hissed. “Well, Freyne is.”

“Graden, too.” Ike murmured, his own voice groggy. “Uh, nearly me?”

“Jackie,” Berling’s chest rumbled beneath me, “and I think Loran?”

“No,” I shook my head, attempting to sit up. Berling chuckled quietly, his arm beneath my back easing me up slowly.

“All right,” Addison’s silhouette stood, and Kerrick mumbled something under his breath as he and Chester rose to their feet. “Hunter? Daiton?”

“Mm?” Daiton’s voice erupted quietly from beneath Graden and Ike.

“Yeah,” Hunter managed, pushing himself to his feet. “I’ll take Jackie.”

I slid my legs off Jackson’s lap as Hunter bent down, hooking one arm beneath Jackson’s legs and the other beneath his shoulders. He slowly lifted him, making sure to not jostle him around, and then he quietly made his way out of the living room. Kerrick followed, reaching for Ike who managed to pick himself up off the beanbag without waking Graden.

The two of them followed Hunter and Jackson, and I realised it was probably because they were going to change. I blinked, attempting to push myself to my feet, but Berling hooked his arms around my waist, keeping me still.

“I’ll carry you,” he whispered into my ear as Chester walked around to lift Freyne off Elliott. I shook my head, adamant that I would not let the quads secret be revealed.

“It’s okay,” I staggered to my feet. “Thank you.” I leaned down, pressing a kiss to his cheek. I could see Berling’s eyes twinkling by the moonlight through the glass door, and he grabbed my wrist, tugging me down so he could press his own lips to my cheek.

“Come to the big room when you’re changed, all right?”

I gave a quick nod as I scurried off. Freyne mumbled something as Chester lifted him, but then he fell back into oblivion. I disappeared into the hall, and rapped my knuckles against the quads door.

“If it’s Lorie, come in.” Ike called, although with a quiet voice. “Anyone else can rack off.”

“It’s Lorie,” I murmured as I pushed the door open. The room was dim, with only one of the bed side lights on, so Jackson wouldn’t wake. He was slumped on Kerrick’s bed, in boxers now. Ike was amid tugging his own panties down and replacing them with his own boxers.  

“Do you want to borrow some briefs, or get your own?” Hunter asked as he tugged his own up. I licked my lips, watching as his happy trail disappeared beneath the elastic, and Kerrick tugged his own down, stepping into his boxers and hiking them up in mere seconds.

“Um,” I averted my gaze, glancing down at myself. If I chose to wore a pair of their boxers, I’d be forced to go shirtless. “I’ll just… change in my room.”

Hunter nodded, and turned to hook his arms beneath Jackson again. “We’ll see you in the other room, then.”

I didn’t say anything as I turned and left, hurrying down the hall and up the staircase to my own room. I pressed the door shut tightly behind me, and leant heavily against it. My mind wandered as I slowly sank down. What a day. What… what a day.

I’d… I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to think about it. About any of it, except for the past few hours. The relaxation, the love that was bundled into one tiny room. I couldn’t fathom how I missed it. How I… I never realised, growing up. And how could I have missed it? How could I have missed them together? When they were _constantly_ together.

 _Does Bill know?_ No. Surely not. He’s too… too… no. No, he wouldn’t know.

 _Did mum know?_ …Surely not.

I sighed, scrubbing a hand down my face as I stood up, shoving my jeans off. I stepped out of them, picking them up to toss in my suitcase, when my entire body went hot. I blinked, dropping my jeans to the floor. I stood up straight, my hands falling to my sides. My fingertips brushed the hem of the shirt, that landed mid-thigh. It was like a dress.

I swallowed thickly, setting myself on the edge of my bed. I slowly hiked the shirt up, over my waist. The white fabric clung tightly to my groin and slowly I reached down, pressing my palm across it, across the fabric. I inhaled sharply. Oh. Oh, that felt _good_. Licking my dry lips, I cupped myself, giving my cock a tentative squeeze.

I began to swell, slow at first, but then I was hot and hard and--

“Shit,” I hissed, dipping my hand inside, grasping myself easier. I pulsed hotly, and sweaty. Tugging hastily, I drew myself closer to the edge that I’d been teetering on all day. Now was my chance. Now, I could--

Biting my lower lip, I squeezed the base of my shaft, sliding my hand up and over the top, before slipping back down. My other hand tangled into the blankets beneath me, my knuckle white as I leaned back so I could spread my thighs. My breath caught in my chest as I clenched my hand tighter.

I could feel… I was _close_ but…

“No, no,” I bit out, laying back on the bed. I lifted my heels, sitting them on the edge of the mattress. My hips jutted upward as I chased my release, desperation making my hand clench tighter. “Come _on_ \--”

“Loran, what is taking you--” Addison opened my door, and I bolted up, tugging the shirt down hurriedly. Addison froze, eyes wide and unblinking as he took me in. I must’ve looked like a mess, with sweat beading down my face, my body flushed, my legs _parted_. I squeezed my eyes shut. _Shit_.

“Are those… panties?”

My eyes snapped open and I snapped my legs shut. “Don’t tell anybody!”

Addison blinked in shock, stepping back. But then he shook his head, closing the door behind him. I shook my head. No. No, he needed to _leave_. I opened my mouth to tell him exactly that, when he stalked toward me and dropped to his knees. I stared down at him, jaw slack.

“Let me help,” he murmured, pressing his palms to my knees. My fingers pressed against his shoulders when he buried his face against my cock, through the underwear. I gasped, my heart stuttering. Addison’s warm mouth pressed against me, and his tongue slid out, slipping around the edge of the fabric. My eyes widened and my hips pressed upward. Addison chuckled, pressing my waist down as he leaned up, mouthing hotly.

“A-Addi,” I gasped, sliding one of my hands into his hair. I attempted to tangle my fingers into his hair, but gave up and pressed a hand to my mouth. Addison slipped his fingers into the thin fabric and tugged it down my thighs, and I opened my mouth to-- to say what? My breath caught in my throat when he blew across my tip, and then dove down.

I almost jack-knifed off the bed when his mouth surrounded me, hot and moist. His fingers dug into my thighs, keeping me in place as he took me deeper, right into the back of his throat. My eyes widened and I pressed my hands harder against my mouth to stop the needy, greedy noises. Addison’s tongue pressed thick against the underside of my cock, drawing a muffled moan from my lips. My thighs quivered around his shoulders, and my toes curled desperately.

My release built from the pit of my stomach, growing until I could almost taste it. Addison didn’t choke, not once, and the thought that he’d practiced this made me shiver. Oh… Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god--

“Addi!” I choked, leaning forward as I came. Addison swallowed it, and continued sucking when I was spent. I squirmed, pressing my palms to his head to push him away, and Addison slid off me, tugging the panties down, off me. I slumped back on the bed, and Addison leaned over me. He smirked, holding the underwear up.

“Didn’t take you for this kind of person--”

“They’re not mine.” I hurried, and then snapped my jaw shut. Addison raised his eyebrow, putting them down on the bed beside me.

“Not yours?” He pressed down, rolling his body against mine. I gasped, lifting my legs on either side of his hips. Addison’s briefs pressed against me intimately, and I flushed harder, squeezing my eyes shut. If only I could keep my _mouth_ shut. Addison laughed softly, and pressed a rough kiss to my cheek. “The quads.”

I snapped my eyes open, a negative response on my lips, but Addison shook his head, pressing his lips to mine. I crinkled my nose at the taste. How disgusting. Addison then shifted back, leaving the fabric on the bed beside me.

“I won’t say anything. Promise.” He turned, heading for the door. “Get changed and come down, all right?”

When the door closed behind him, I dropped my head back, and sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first wrote this story, there were certain celebrities who I used to represent each of the brothers. Now, a lot of them have stayed the same, but with television shows and films that have been released since this was first written, there have been more celebrities who, I think, portray some of the brothers better. 
> 
> So here's a quick list of, basically, what each character will sort of look like (bearing in mind there will be a different shade of hair or eye colour, as this is a rough estimation) 
> 
> Addison: Zac Efron   
> Berling: Tyler Hoechlin  
> Chester:Gregg Sulkin  
> Daiton: Chris Pratt  
> Elliott: Taylor Lautner  
> Freyne: Dylan O'Brien  
> Graden: Alexander Petyfer   
> Hunter: Hayden Guerra  
> Ike: Dylan Sprouse  
> Jackson: Raul Geurra  
> Kerrick: Cole Sprouse  
> Loran: Thomas Brodie Sangster


	33. Chapter Thirty One

**Graden -**

I opened my eyes to the awful glimmer of the sun through the window. I cursed it, rolling over, pressing my face into the bare chest next to me. Whoever it was grumbled, but then their arms wrapped around me, drawing me closer. I buried my face harder, tangling our legs as I attempted to fall back to sleep.

“Oh, good morning, sweetheart.” Chester whispered, his breath warm against my temple. I shook my head, wrapping my arms around his waist. It wasn’t morning. It couldn’t possibly be. I’d only been asleep a couple of hours.

“What’s the time?” Someone mumbled, and I cursed them. Sleep meant _silence_.

“Like, seven.” Someone else grumbled, probably Daiton. “Now piss off back to sleep.”

“Don’t tell me to--” Perhaps it was Freyne, “oh, fuck off.” The bed shifted as somebody attempted to kick, or push, somebody else. I rolled my eyes beneath my eyelids, pressing closer to Chester and his warmth.

“Shut up, now.” Elliott’s voice was muffled, and I clung tighter to Chester as I lifted my head, peering over him to see the tangle of our brothers. Freyne was behind Chester, now beneath Elliott, who had fallen back to sleep.

Beyond them was Daiton, with a still sleeping Ike tucked up against him, and an equally passed out Jackson behind him. Hunter was sprawled, with one arm thrown above his head, his legs apart, and Kerrick was tucked closely to his side, curled into a ball. Berling was behind him, at the edge of the bed, staring across the row of brothers in front of him.

He caught my eye, and he raised an eyebrow. I ignored him, tucking back up against Chester’s chest. A warm palm slid up my back, and I gasped, shivering. Addison leaned over, pressing his lips to my cheek.

“Good morning.”

I groaned, “no.”

Addison chuckled, and rolled back over. He said it to somebody else, and then Loran’s groggy voice murmured at him to fuck off. I cracked a grin against Chester’s chest.

“Come on,” Addison sat up, shaking the bed. “We’re at fault for wasting the night, but we can’t waste the day.”

A chorus of “piss off” and “fuck you” echoed around the room.

“Just one more hour.” Elliott grumbled. Addison hummed under his breath, and I felt the bed quake some more as Addison slid off.

“You guys can sleep, while Berling and I cook breakfast. But then you’re all up and in the dining room.”

Another chorus of “piss off” went around, but my mind caught on the thought of breakfast. It didn’t feel right, and my stomach churned at the thought. I blinked, twitching against Chester before pushing away and abruptly sitting up.

“Hm, Graden?” Chester muttered, rubbing at his eyes as he sat up. I frowned, ignoring him as I tucked an arm around my stomach. I stared at the bed, wracking my mind as I thought of why I could possibly be feeling queasy. A hand on my shoulder made me look up, and Addison frowned at me.

“Are you--”

I cut him off by scrambling off the bed. Still half asleep, I stumbled into the wall. I heard Addison push himself off the bed, and Chester slid off to follow me. I pushed myself from the wall and staggered into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me a second before I dropped to my knees and vomited.

My stomach muscles tensed, and I heaved again, but nothing came out again. I coughed, wiping at my mouth as I heaved once more. Gasping, I leaned my forehead against my arm as I rested it on the porcelain bowl. What on earth was with that?

Someone rapped their knuckles on the door. I shook my head, slowly pushing myself to my feet. I flushed the toilet and staggered to the sink. I got a shock when I looked in the mirror, with dark patches beneath my eyes and my face pale. I sighed, turning the tap on to splash my face.

“Gray?”

I hummed in response, but didn’t say anything as I grabbed a towel, rubbing vigorously at my face.

“Graden, we respect your privacy, but if you don’t answer us, we _will_ come in.”

I bit my lower lip, tucking the towel back onto the railing. I stared at my reflection for a moment longer, my chest tightening in pain. I looked like a mess and now that I was awake, I _felt_ like a mess. I inhaled slowly, my eyes beginning to burn as I turned to the door. I strode toward it, about to open it when it opened on its own. I stepped back as Chester stepped into the doorway, freezing when he saw me. I possibly looked worse now, eyes red-rimmed.

“Graden--”

I lurched forward, wrapping my arms around him tightly as I buried my face into his chest. Chester startled for a second, but then his arms came down, tight around me. Crushingly tight. I gasped, feeling the burning in my eyes subside for actual tears. I silently cursed, blinking hurriedly, trying to keep the waterworks at bay.

It wasn’t working.

My chest tightened more, and between trying to keep my tears back, and attempting to breathe, my knees crumbled beneath me. Chester cursed as he dropped to his knees with me, his arms tightening around me. I could feel the tension in the air, striking from the bedroom, where Loran was, where the quads were, where my brothers, who were dealing with their own problems, were.

I bit my tongue and inhaled sharply through my nose, trying to even my breathing. It made it worse, and I choked, panic beginning to bubble inside my chest when I realised I couldn’t _breathe_. Tears welled in my eyes, and spilled over. My fingers clenched and unclenched against Chester, who was struggling to lift me back to my feet. Suddenly there were more hands on me, helping me to my feet, but I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t do _anything_.

“Shit,” Addison spat, and then I was lifted. My breath hitched aggressively, and my fingers curled around his shoulders, my nails scratching down his skin. Sweat began to bead at my temple as Addison carried me into the bedroom and set me on the bed. I sat upright, grabbing for him, and his fingers entwined with mine.

“Hey, hey,” Addison’s voice was calm, gentle. “Gray, hey, you’re okay.” He pushed himself up to sit on the bed beside me. He touched my jaw, and my vision blurred. “Take a deep breath.”

I did as instructed, but it caught in my throat and escaped as a choked sob. I shook my head rapidly, because I couldn’t. There were dark spots jumping out the corner of my eyes, and I shuddered, gripping Addison’s hands tighter.

Rationally, I knew if I did faint, my body would get itself under control. Rationally, I knew that this was an anxiety attack. Rationally, I knew I got them, it was common when I was younger. But normally… normally there was some form of warning.

Chester sat down on my other side, he bodily turned me around, so I was facing him and then he drew me into another hug. My arms wrapped tightly around his neck, and my face disappeared against his neck. We sat there for a long moment, and Chester grabbed my legs, pulling me into his lap so he could hold me tighter. I shuddered against him, biting my lip as I attempted to catch my breath.

_I need to relax. I need to relax. I’m fine. I’m fine._

Chester was whispering the same things into my ear, his fingers pulling through my hair, attempting to soothe me. Addison didn’t touch me, and I was relieved to know that he’d cleared the room out before getting me. The last thing I wanted was to scare my brothers.

But I could only imagine how worrying it would be for them, to not physically see if I was all right. Even though I was. Very, definitely much so.

I pressed my forehead to Chester’s shoulder, knowing I was sweating and sobbing on him, but at least he held me. I returned my attention to my breathing, to my current state, relieved to see and hear that I was calming down. My heart rate slowed, and my chest rose more smoothly. I gripped Chester tightly as the last of the attack died away, and he held me back, just as tightly.

“’m fine,” I mumbled against his shoulder when it was done. Chester didn’t release me immediately, but then ever so slowly his grip relaxed, and I sat back. My cheeks were stiff with salt and I rubbed at them, biting into my lower lip as Chester leaned forward, his hands cupping my cheeks. I eyed the blanket beneath us, picking at a thread.

“Look at me,” Chester lowered his head, trying to catch my eye. I bit my lip harder, shaking my head. Chester lifted my head. “Gray, stop it. Look at me.”

Swallowing thickly, I flickered my gaze to his. His incredibly understanding and warm and compassionate brown eyes.

“That came out of nowhere.” He commented, voice soft as he lifted his head and slid his hands down to my shoulders, pulling me into another hug. I tucked my head beneath his chin, clinging to the sides of his shirts. “But it’s not uncommon. We know that. You’ve been leading up to it all day yesterday, it was bound to happen.”

I nodded against his chest. Chester sighed, not saying anything more. His fingers stroked my hair, and Addison’s joined, while his other hand ran up and down my spine, soothingly. The three of us stayed like that for a long while, until Addison leaned forward and pressed a rough but chaste kiss to the side of my face.

“Let’s go and have breakfast.”

I allowed them both to take my hands, one each. Together we left the bedroom, but I stopped them in the hallway, just before entering the kitchen. Addison shifted, cupping my face and tilting it up to him.

“Nobody’s going to say anything.” He assured quietly. “You know that.”

I did know that. Wetting my lips, I gave a shallow nod and allowed them to pull me into the kitchen. He was right, of course. Nobody said anything.

Chester dropped my hand to help Berling in the kitchen, as he poached eggs and burnt bacon. Kerrick stood to the side, squeezing orange juice, while Ike stood beside him, hassling the toaster. At the table, Hunter, Jackson and Loran were together, the quads leaning in close to Loran and whispering something. There was an urgency to their tone, and Loran’s eyes were wide as he hastily explained something. Opposite them, sat Elliott and Daiton, sharing a mug of coffee and talking about the recent sports game.

I tugged away from Addison when he went to join them. Through the windows I saw Freyne jogging up to house between the trees, his fingers clenched around a small plastic bag of herbs. I pulled the sliding door open as he hopped onto the back patio, and stepped out, closing it behind me. Freyne slowed to a walk, and came to a stop in front of me.

“Hey,” he said. I crossed my arms over my chest, looking up at him through my lashes. He swallowed. “You all right?”

I raised an eyebrow. “I’m fine.”

Freyne nodded once, and then frowned. “Right.” His eyes flickered over my shoulder before returning to me. “Are you angry at me?”

I rolled my eyes. “No.”

Freyne’s eyebrows jumped, but he nodded again. “Right, okay, so…”

I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut before opening them and catching his gaze. “Freyne, the reason for that… The reason I just…” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’ve been holding onto the other night.”

“Oh.” Freyne’s cheeks tinged. “Graden, I’m so sorry--”

I waved my hand, cutting him off. “I know you are. And it’s all right. It didn’t require forgiving, but I do. Um. Forgive you.” I couldn’t tell him I was ashamed in myself for being so hurt by what had happened. Ike seemed to be dealing better than I was, and it happened to him. Granted, it’s happened to me before, but this… knowing they would push us to the limit, when Loran was around, it was frightening. There were sides of us we weren’t ready for Loran to see. Not yet.

And dammit, I was the oldest ‘bum chum,’ as Addison put it so gracefully, and knowing it was doing more harm than good, and it wasn’t directed on me, _hurt_. What kind of an older brother was I, if I couldn’t protect one set of brothers from another?

Freyne nibbled his lower lip, not saying anything. I sighed, shaking my head as I turned away. I didn’t have a right to get so upset, no matter what Ike said. It wasn’t fair that he was fine, and I was holding onto it. I hated grudges. Freyne made a noise, something caught between a choke and a croak. His fingers wrapped around my wrist.

And that was another thing. Why was I telling Freyne, why was Freyne apologising? Elliott was the one who pushed Ike, and, yes, Freyne stood by him through everything, but Freyne wasn’t the one who deserved this guilt. None of them did. In fact, I’d fucked up by coming out here to talk to him. I’d fucked up in panicking earlier, even though it was a natural response from my body.

God, I was pathetic.

Freyne spun me around, catching my shoulders as he leaned down. His teeth bit at my mouth in a violent kiss, and his hands tugged me as close to him as possible. The bag with the herbs laid, forgotten, at his feet, and he held me instead.

When he leaned back, he touched our foreheads together. “Nothing is ever going to make me love you any less, all right?” He squeezed my arms, pressing his lips to mine once more. “None of us will. I just wish… Gray, you still haven’t told us what we do to you-- I mean, I know what we do, but the effect it has on you guys.”

“I know,” I mumbled against his lips. And it wasn’t easy to explain. If I simply told them it made us feel out of control, they’d think it was a good thing. And maybe… maybe sometimes it was good, but sometimes we hung on the edge between control and none of it, and that edge was horrifying, and sadly it’s where we ended up. A lot.

“I think Chester has it planned for us to talk today.” Freyne disappeared, and my heart skipped a beat when he bent in front of me, my cheeks beginning to burn. He stood up immediately, holding the herbs. My heart slowed down, and I took his hands in mine, squeezing his fingers. Freyne lifted my fingers to his mouth, pressing them to his lips. I inhaled, watching as one of my digits slipped past his lips.

“That’s good,” I whispered, tugging my fingers away. Freyne nodded, and he continued to stare deep into my eyes, before he walked past me, pulling me along with him as we entered the house.

It smelt less of burnt bacon, and more of the mouth-watering fatty goodness it was meant to. My stomach churned, and I dropped Freyne’s hand, tempted to turn back around to vomit outside. I swallowed the bile, and walked past the table to Chester, who was conversing with Berling about an idea for a picnic today.

I shifted up beside him, cutting the conversation off, and Chester smiled at me as he turned the bacon off and returned his attention to the eggs. Scrambled for Loran, Hunter and Addison, hard-boiled for Ike and Elliott, sunny side up for Kerrick, Freyne, Daiton and Berling, and poached for Jackson, myself and Chester.

“Uh, could I not have bacon?” I kept my voice pitched low, only for Chester, but Berling raised an eyebrow at me. Chester hummed, picking up the hard-boiled eggs from the water and sitting them on the bench before turning to me.

“All right,” he nodded, and I smiled, “so long as you eat a little bit of chicken from last night.”

My jaw dropped and my brow furrowed. Chester pressed his lips together, his eyes glued to me. I could feel a scowl beginning to press against my brow, but I shook it away, turning on my heel.

“Fine.” I tugged the fridge open and reached for the container that had left over chicken. I pushed it against his chest and went to take a seat. Chester didn’t say anything, but Berling was fast on my heels, and he dropped into the seat beside me.

His arm dropped around the back of my chair, pulling it closer to him and touched his lips to my ear. Goose bumps flew across my skin, but I only attempted to shift away from him. Berling shook his head, his hand coming down my shoulder to keep me in place.

“Babe,” he growled. “I love you, and I know you’re not feeling the best right now. But don’t talk to Chester like that.”

“I said ‘fine.’” I scowled at the table. Berling chuckled humourlessly as he turned, pressing a rough kiss to my head. He then stood up and walked back to the kitchen. I frowned over my shoulder, watching him lean down to whisper something to Chester, who cracked a smile as he finished scrambling eggs and turned around with the hot pans.

He lifted his eyes, catching mine, and I turned away. I bit into my lower lip, running my fingers along the table top as breakfast was served and brought to the table. Everybody sat down, Chester taking a seat next to me and Berling on my other side.

“Oh,” Elliott moaned around a piece of bacon, “my god. This is _heaven_.”

Chester chuckled beside me, cutting his own bacon up. I nibbled my lower lip as I cut up the small chicken breast on my own plate, timidly bringing it to my lips. I hesitated for only a second, reasoning with myself that I’d not eaten since yesterday at lunch, which had been a sandwich.

And God, did the chicken not taste _delicious_. A whimper slipped past my lips, and Berling cracked a grin as he dug into his eggs. My eyelids fluttered as I cut up another piece, adding it to some egg. My stomach growled in encouragement, reminding me of my stupidity, and I hastily downed the mouthful.

Chester’s hand found my thigh, and he gave it a gentle squeeze as he took a sip of his juice. I looked to him as he set the glass down, and he brushed our shoulders together.

“I know you’re hungry, but slow down a little bit.”

I hummed, taking another mouthful. I knew not to eat too fast, but crud, this was amazing. I nodded when he gave my thigh another squeeze, and placed my fork and knife down, reaching for my own juice. Chester removed his hand, and I turned to him as I sipped.

“I’m sorry about… uh, earlier.” I leaned against his shoulder, setting the glass down. Chester’s lips quirked and he tilted his head to press his lips to my forehead.

“I know you are.”

I opened my mouth to say more, but Chester shook his head, nodding to my plate. I returned to it, taking another mouthful of chicken and eggs. I resisted groaning, but my mouth watered and I was shocked I hadn’t drooled.

Opposite me, Ike dug into his own bacon, his hair ruffled and his lips pink and bitten. I smiled to myself, licking my knife. Addison cast me a disapproving eyebrow raise, to which I shrugged and cut up another bit of chicken. Addison shook his head, turning to Loran who poked at his food, but ate it heartily. My eyes flickered across him, his hair a mess, his cheeks pink, and his lips swollen.

He looked completely different to how he did when he arrived. He looked… loved.

My heart stopped and I shut my eyes at the thought. It’s not like… it’s not like we hadn’t loved him before. God, we did. As a brother, and then gradually as we do now. But… but maybe we’d been shit in showing it.

And maybe we were making up for it now.

“So,” Chester spoke up, dragging my attention to him, “I thought maybe we could pack a picnic for lunch.”

Addison nodded, putting his knife and fork together when he finished eating. “Sounds like a plan. Any ideas on where to go?”

Berling perked up at that, leaning forward on his elbows as he put his own knife and fork down. “Up near the falls, maybe?”

The quads heads snapped up at that, and even a grin was playing on Kerrick’s face. It warmed my heart to see such a bright smile, and twinkling eyes. Berling laughed openly, leaning back in his seat as Jackson nodded vigorously, turning to Addison who raised an eyebrow at Berling.

“The falls?”

“Well, why not? The quads love it, Loran’s not been there, it’s a nice place and we,” he smirked, “well, we all enjoy ourselves when we’re there.”

Addison chuckled, but levelled his fork at Berling. “Only if there’s nobody else there.”

Berling rolled his eyes. “Obviously.”

The two of them stared at each other, and it looked to be never-ending, until Loran, bless his heart, spoke up. “I wouldn’t mind seeing the falls.”

Berling and the quads whooped, while Chester, Daiton, Elliott and Freyne laughed. Addison raised an eyebrow at Loran, who blinked up at him, shrugging as he put a mouthful of bacon in his mouth.

“If its water, I’m in,” he shrugged, licking his finger before wiping it across his plate. Everybody simultaneously held their breath as he innocently brought the finger to his lips, sucking on it before going to do it again. Addison caught his wrist, stopping him.

“All right, we’ll go.”

Loran beamed, and dropped his arms to his side. Freyne stood, beginning to collect plates, and I stood to help him, grabbing Berling and Chester’s. Ike stood, too, collecting Hunter, Jackson and Kerrick’s plates as they drew their chairs back and reached for Loran, whose eyes widened as he was drawn from his seat and then the kitchen. Ike hurriedly followed them after dumping the plates on the bench. Freyne caught my eye as I placed my own collection of plates beside his. I shrugged. Who knew what they were up to.

Addison did, apparently, as he rose and followed them, although his pace was casual. I watched him go as I filled the sink with hot water, and Freyne filled the dishwasher with our plates, glasses and cutlery. I reached for the greasy pans and pots, but an arm hooked around my waist, and Elliott hugged me.

“I’ll do those if you help Chester prepare the picnic lunch?”

“Hmm?” I let him kiss me on the cheek as I stepped away, going to Chester who wiped the dining table down, tossing the cloth to Elliott who got to work on the heaviest pan.

Chester caught my hand as I wandered toward him, and he tugged me into a kiss. I sighed against his lips, lifting my arms to wrap around his neck as his own wound around my waist. His hands slipped down to my boxers, and he gave a tight squeeze. I gasped, biting against his lips as he rubbed our hips together.

“Hey,” Berling grumbled, his warm palm rubbing along my back as he walked past us. “It’s only morning.”

I rolled my eyes as Chester pulled away, eyeing Berling as he grabbed bread from the cupboard, and a couple of spreads.

“When has that stopped you?” Chester questioned, as he pulled a chair out and set himself down. He pulled me along with him, slipping his hands up my back and over my shoulders. He leaned up, nipping at my jaw until I tilted my head down, and he kissed me again.

“That is a very valid point,” Freyne agreed, closing the dishwasher as Daiton sidled up to him, hooking his own arm around his waist to pull him into their own kiss. Freyne turned his head away. “Uh, no.” He kissed Daiton’s cheek as he stepped out of his grasp. “I’m going to go and have a shower.”

“I’ll join you,” Daiton grinned, wiggling his eyebrows at Elliott, who scowled and flipped him the bird. Daiton laughed out loud as Freyne led him from the kitchen.

“I’m just saying,” Berling brought the bread and spreads to the table, returning to the fridge to collect cheese and meat, “don’t tire yourselves out now. We’re going to falls. That always means sex.”

“Not necessarily,” I murmured as Chester’s hands slid into my boxers, cupping my backside. I rose slightly, letting him slide his hands beneath me, where he pressed against my hole, but didn’t breach it. I bit my lip as he did so, and Berling crinkled his nose.

“In fact,” Chester’s lips moved down my neck, finding my collarbone, which he bit at while slowly pushing one finger past the tight muscle, “we will be doing very little sex, and a lot of talking.”

Elliott groaned from his place at the kitchen bench. “Why do we need to talk. Sex is more efficient.”

Berling nodded his agreement, as Chester added another finger. I bit my lip harder, squeezing my eyes shut as he scissored against the clenching. I could hardly stand this without squirming with lube, and this… this was a whole new experience. But I was grateful for Chester’s pace, and his slow rhythm, even if it was dragging me to an edge that was looking higher and higher.

My toes curled as he sucked and bit at my neck, my fingers curling into his shoulders. Berling pulled a chair out behind me, and began to spread peanut butter on slices of bread, and jam on others. Every now and again he would slide his finger down my spine, and into my boxers, where he would press his own finger to where Chester’s were.

“S-Stop it,” I moaned, my thighs quivering as I dropped my head forward, turning my mouth against Chester’s own neck.

“Do you really mean that?” Chester murmured, sliding a third finger inside. I gasped when he found my prostate, my erection growing full size and I shamelessly pressed forward, trying to find friction. Berling slid his finger up my spine, and I heard his chair scrape against the ground before his arms were around my waist, and he was slipping his hands into the waistband of my boxers, finding my leaking cock.

“Wow, you’re really wet.”

“Shut up,” I hissed, rutting against his hold before controlling myself. Berling moved his chair closer, and pressed his warm lips to the base of my neck. I shuddered, lifting my thighs as Chester’s fingers massaged my prostate more vigorously, pushing against it continuously.

“Chester,” I moaned, clenching tightly around his fingers as I felt myself building. The pounding of Chester’s heart drove me wild, and I briefly imagined it being the rhythm of his cock as he pounded into me. I squeezed my eyes shut, clenching my arms tighter around him as I bit against his neck, soft whines slipping from my lips.

“That’s hot.” Elliott moaned. Berling laughed as he released my straining shaft. I opened my mouth to complain, when he grabbed my arms, forcing them behind my back. I blinked in shock, leaning harder against Chester to keep my balance as Berling pinned my arms against my lower back with one hand, while the other returned to my erection.

“Can you work for it?” He whispered in my ear.

I scoffed. “Work for it?”

“Yes.” Berling gave me a firm squeeze before retracting his hand again. “If I take my hand away, and Chester stops moving his fingers, can you make yourself come?”

 _Not likely_. I scowled, rocking my hips forward as Chester continued sliding his fingers inside me. I could hear the wet squelch from the sweat building up, working as something close enough to a lubricant.

“Can you stand up?” Berling asked, leaning away. I didn’t even bother attempting as I continued to rock against Chester’s lap, chasing the friction as I built closer and closer-- “Elliott, could you get the--”

“Already on it,” I heard as the kitchen door closed.

“Get the,” I panted, “what?”

Berling didn’t answer me as he gripped my hips, urging me to rise and step back. My thighs quivered, barely able to hold me, especially as Chester leaned forward, keeping his fingers inside me. Behind me, Berling slipped my boxers down, as far as they would go with Chester there. I frowned, resisting the urge to drop to my knees, to remove my arms from my back, to pull Chester’s face closer to my raging cock.

The fantasy only played for a minute though, as Elliott returned, carrying a slick plug. My jaw dropped before I scowled. I shook my head, ignoring the sudden swell in arousal, and Chester slid another finger inside me, almost fisting me now. I groaned, almost dropping, but Berling’s steadying hand on my hip get me in place as Elliott paced the plug to him.

“No,” I shook my head, toes curling against the wooden floor. “No, don’t you dare--”

Berling pressed his finger against my backside, joining Chester’s, and I cut myself off as my breath hitched. “Gray, is that an actual no, or are you just wasting time? If it’s an actual no, I won’t do it.”

I bit into my lower lip, rutting forward as Chester leaned forward, blowing warm air against my tip. I inhaled sharply, dropping my hips a little.

“It’s not…” I shook my head. “If you put that in me, I’ll come.”

Berling hummed under his breath, and I could feel his warmth breath against me as he retracted his finger and pressed the swollen head of the toy there, instead. I shook my head, but didn’t say anything, because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want there. There was something truly titillating about giving up such control.

“You won’t,” Berling breathed, pressing it in alongside Chester’s fingers, “because you don’t want to.”

I silently cursed Berling, pressing my sweaty forehead to Chester’s shoulder as I rocked forward aggressively. Of course, I wanted to. I could feel my release building, desperate to shoot, but I was holding it, my toes curling and my breath catching as Berling moved.

I arched, shaking my head as Chester slid his long, nimble fingers in far enough to brush my prostate once more. A cry lodged itself in my throat as Berling worked the toy inside, and my fingers gripped my forearms, my nails cutting into the skin. Berling didn’t relent, and Graden slipped his fingers out so the plug could accommodate me entirely. I bit hard into my cheek, squeezing my eyes shut as Berling twisted it.

“Sto--” I cut myself off, biting against Chester’s shoulder as he hiked me against himself. My leaking cock pressed flush to his stomach, and I was certain I would break, then and there.

“You’re okay,” Chester hushed, cupping the back of my head as I began to rut against him, my thighs quivering as Chester stood up, placing me on my feet. I leaned against him, taking my arms from behind my back to wrap around his neck as I rocked up onto my toes, pressing our hips together.

Chester moaned, burying his face against my hair as his hands found the elastic of my boxes, sliding them up over my waist. I pressed into his touch, when Berling’s own large palms gripped my hips, pulling me back. I cursed, pressing back against him to feel his own bulge. It poked me where the plug sat and I sighed, tilting my head forehead as I pressed back more, pulling Chester closer, effectively blocking myself between both their bodies.

“God, you’re gorgeous.” Berling ran his hand down my sides before he stepped away. I whined at the rush of cool air, turning to grab him. He caught my hand, and tugged me non-too-kindly behind him. I gasped, staggering forward. Every move made me clench around the plug inside me, and I moaned wetly, dropping my head.

Berling chuckled, cupping my face. “You won’t be coming until the rest of us do.” He pressed his lips the tip of my nose. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s the effect a nice, delirious orgasm has on you.”

I bit back a moan at his words, because he was right. An orgasm, that was held from me until the last second, left me limp, left me… all kinds of desperate, but placid once it was over. Like I was on top of the world.

“Come on,” he turned away, pulling me behind me, “let’s go and get changed, and then we’ll finish the sandwiches.”

Chester and Elliott followed as Berling drew me into the empty bedroom. The bathroom door was shut, and the shower was on, and it would probably stay on for quite a while. Berling walked into the walk-in wardrobe, and came back out with board shorts and singlets for the four of us.

I sighed, willing my cock down as Berling tossed me my clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only one chapter left after this! And then the next book, 'Embrace the Fire,' (Thirteen Part Two) will be posted :)


	34. Chapter Thirty Two

**Loran -**

“How… How beautiful.” I stopped at the edge of the water, looking up at the crystal blue waterfall that disappeared into white foam on top of the river.

Addison dumped an old blanket on the ground beside me, nodding. His arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me against his chest in a brief hug. “It’s really something.”

“And you come here often?” I rested my chin on his chest, staring up at him. Addison tilted his head down, his eyes catching mine. His lips quirked upward, and he leaned down, kissing my forehead.

“Not much anymore, but when we first moved here, this was a common destination.”

I smiled, turning my head to rest my head against his chest. His heartbeat thrummed beneath my eardrums and I sighed, staring out across the rippling water and up the waterfall once more. “I can’t wait to come out here every day when I live here.”

Addison’s heart beat skipped under my ear, and I blinked. Addison’s arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders, pulling me harder against his chest. I attempted to pull away, to look up at him, to see what he was thinking. Addison’s arms were wrapped around me too strongly, though.

“You…” He stopped, stroking his hand up and down my arm. “You want to move in with us?”

Oh. Did I say that? I blinked, pressing my fingers into his back. I… Living here, would be amazing. Living with my brothers, having _this_. Being _wanted_. I-- yes. Yes. I wanted to live here. I opened my mouth, to say that, to tell Addison of how happy the thought made me. That for once, this happiness was natural and not forced.

“Woo! Canon ball!” Elliott shouted, racing past Addison and I as he stripped his shirt off and threw himself into the water.

“Elliott,” Chester chastised, walking up to stand shoulder to shoulder with Addison. “Elliott, I said we were talking, first.”

Elliott peered above the water and pulled a face. Chester sighed, crossing his arms across his chest. The two of them held eye contact for a minute, until Elliott huffed and swam to the edge of river, hauling himself onto the bank. Chester brushed past Addison and I, squatting down in front of Elliott to help him up. Elliott’s nose crinkled, but he allowed Chester to draw him to his feet.

“Why do we need to talk?” Elliott grumbled. “Wasn’t it you who said actions speak louder than words?”

Chester chuckled, shaking his head. “Definitely not me.”

“Yeah, that was me.” Berling called from behind Addison. I sighed, twisting from Addison’s hold, taking his hand instead to drag him to where Berling, Hunter and Ike spread out a couple of picnic rugs. Kerrick sat beside his backpack, dragging out a large, portable chess pack. The edge of my lips pulled into a small smile as he began to set it up, nimble fingers moving quickly back and forth.

I never enjoyed chess as much as Kerrick, Graden and Chester. Sometimes I wished I did, because maybe it would give us something to connect over, but I was slowly learning that I did not need to like everything they liked. I could be who I am and still fit in. Hopefully.  

“Come,” Chester dropped to his knees, pulling Elliott down next to him. “Everybody sit.”

I nibbled my lower lip as Addison drew me across the grass, dropping to his knees next to Freyne, dragging me down on his other side. Ike sat beside me, running his fingers through his hair and then into his lap, where he clenched his hands together. I sucked my lower lip into my mouth, my eyes flickering across each of my brothers as they settled. Kerrick finished setting up the chess pieces and rolled across to Ike. Jackson settled himself down in Hunter’s lap, and Daiton stretched between Hunter and Berling, as he rested down next to Chester. Graden dropped to his knees behind Chester, but Elliott reached behind, taking Graden’s hand and dragging him to his lap.  

“This is stupid,” Daiton grumbled under his breath, casting Berling a glare when he whacked the back of his thighs. Chester ignored him as he dug into his pocket, withdrawing a couple of cards. He placed the pile in the centre of us all, and then sat back to cross his legs.

“I realise asking any of us to talk is going to end badly, so instead we’re going to play a game. There are prompts on those cards and one by one we are going to pick on up and finish the sentence. Truthfully.” Berling’s lips twitched at Chester’s words, but he didn’t comment, instead of reaching for the first card. Chester didn’t stop him, and Berling settled back, reading whatever it said.

I released my lip and curled my fingers into each other. Graden unwrapped the bandages earlier, and we were both happy to see the scabs had healed, but they still ached. And with the beginning of this game, my fingers began to shake, and I internally cursed. The shaking stopped for a while, and I’d allowed myself a breath of relief, thinking maybe, just maybe, it was all right, but now… I inhaled slowly, so as not to disturb anybody. I held my breath as Berling rolled his eyes, placing the card down in front of him.

“This is stupid, Chester.” He rolled his eyes, but leaned forward, catching my eye across the small circle. My eyes widened a fraction when he didn’t break eye contact, and my heart squeezed painfully in my chest. “My prompt was ‘I felt angry when…’ and I’m going to start bluntly.” I swallowed thickly, forcing my fingers to uncurl and my lungs to push the air out I’d been desperate to hold.

“Loran, I felt, and feel, angry when you can’t see how much you’re loved.” His eyes shifted to Ike and then around everybody before landing on Addison beside me. “In fact, I feel angry when you all forget how much you’re loved.”

“And you’d say this probably impacts how you act sometimes?” Chester asked, resting his hand on Berling’s thigh and giving it a squeeze. Berling shrugged uncomfortably.

“Probably, uh, yeah.” Berling rubbed the back of his neck, his gaze shifting to the ground in front of him now. “Yes, I can be incredibly impulsive when somebody I love isn’t feeling that great.”

Chester hummed under his breath, but nodded, giving Berling’s thigh another squeeze. Nobody said anything for a moment until Daiton grumbled under his breath again and reached for his own card.

“Recently, I’ve been nervous about…” Daiton cut himself off and rolled his eyes skyward. He made no verbal complaint, though, and instead dropped the card, and rolled onto his back. Nobody pushed him to talk, but I could Addison’s body tensing beside me, and my own coiled as well. Daiton stared at the sky for a long time, until he spat a curse and rolled back onto his stomach. He ran a hand down his face, staring at the picnic blanket beneath him and its intricate pattern. “Fuck it. I’ll be honest. I’m fucking nervous about our future.” Daiton closed his eyes for only a second before snapping them open and glaring at the blanket. “We all know this relationship is beyond illegal. Incest? God, people prefer homosexuality over this, and are we going to be able to keep this hidden forever? Surely someone will find out eventually. And while we might not go to jail, we probably won’t be able to stay together, and that’s assuming we don’t break up--” Daiton stopped, grumbling under his breath.

Nobody said anything, but then Addison cleared his throat. “I… Daiton, I can’t promise we will be able to keep this a secret forever, but I can promise we will try. And nobody can keep us apart.” He pressed his hands into his lap and crinkled his nose, sighing heavily. “As for breaking up… Listen, we’ll deal with that when, if, it happens. I’m not going to stop anybody if they want to leave, but I’m not going to stop loving them, either.”

A small ‘same’ echoed around the circle, and then Jackson reached for a card, holding it up so Hunter could see it, too.

“One secret you don’t mind sharing.” Jackson read, and then turned physically in Hunter’s body. Hunter’s arms wrapped tightly around Jackson’s waist, holding him close. Hunter’s eyes flickered across everybody, and then he turned his head against Jackson’s neck and up to his ear, whispering something. Jackson nodded, and pressed a kiss to Hunter’s cheek before turning back around. “So, I like, um,” a small, almost unseeable flush rose on Jackson’s cheeks, “you know,” he vaguely gestured downward, and beside him Ike and Kerrick snapped their heads around, Ike beginning to protest, but Jackson quickly gestured to his feet, “heels.”

Ike’s mouth slammed shut and he dropped his head, probably in relief. Kerrick pressed his face into his palms, exhaling slowly. Everybody else stared on in silence, and I was… shocked myself. I knew Jackson liked the feel of women clothes, but liking their shoes was something new.

“You mean,” Daiton shifted, his eyes flickering to Jackson, “you like to wear…”

Jackson’s flush grew and he nodded slowly, and Hunter rested his chin on Jackson’s shoulder, “and I like to roleplay with him.”

Ike barely hid a smile in his palm as he ducked his head. Kerrick pressed his face harder into his palms, if possible. It didn’t go unnoticed by Berling, who frowned.

“All four of you?” He asked and Jackson glanced to Ike and Kerrick, who were red to the tips of their ears. Berling chuckled, leaning forward. “This is… news.”

“Shut up,” Ike mumbled into his palm, “don’t make fun of us.”

Berling shook his head rapidly, raising his hands in surrender. “Oh, God, no. I think it’s _hot_.”

Ike only flushed harder and dropped his head. Kerrick still didn’t look up, but it was obvious he was embarrassed. I wanted to lean over to rub at his back, but Hunter beat me, dragging his palm up Kerrick’s spine and back down again. Soothing and caring. My lips pulled into a small smile.

“All right, Kerrie.” Chester nodded to the pile of cards. Kerrick didn’t lift his head as he reached for the top card, bringing it down to read.

“I couldn’t imagine living without…” Kerrick whispered, and then immediately followed it with, “you.” He placed the card down in front of him, resting his forehead on his arms as he folded them across each other. His single word brought a watery smile to everybody’s face, but nobody pushed for anything more as Ike reached for his own card.

“Something that makes me feel special, and why,” Ike squinted at the card, “with in brackets, not a person or animal, fuck.”

“I can think of something,” Daiton commented, smirking as he raised his head, catching Ike’s eye. Ike scowled, placing the card face down in front of him. He shifted, twining his fingers with each other as he began to slowly rock forward.

“I guess…” He swallowed thickly, biting his lower lip. “I really like when you guys…” He trailed off, ducking his head more so. He twisted his hands together and bit harder into his lip, drawing a droplet of blood. “I like when we have sex, but,” he clenched his jaw shut, pressing his lips together firmly. “I like it… slow. When you act like nothing else is more important than right then and there.”

Berling abruptly stood up and Ike snapped his head up, eyes widening as Berling walked around to drop down behind him. Ike glanced over his shoulder, lips parted, when Berling swooped in to kiss him soundly. Ike made a soft noise, but Berling swallowed it and then dropped down behind him, dragging Ike into his lap.

“I will happily do that whenever you want.” Berling wrapped his arms tightly around Ike’s waist. Ike didn’t respond, but he did lean back heavily against Berling’s chest and twist around so he could hide his face against Berling’s neck.

I realised with a jolt then that it was my turn, but Addison squeezed my waist and reached for a card for himself, instead. I didn’t know if I was relieved or not, worried now that this was on purpose and I would have to go last.

“My life is… perfect.” Addison read, giving my waist another squeeze. “Incredibly perfect, surrounded by those I love, a flourishing job, and my family growing stronger and healthier with every passing day.”

“Amen.” Elliott nodded against Graden’s shoulder.

Freyne picked up a card before I could, and I sighed, leaning heavily against Addison’s side. Freyne leaned back on his hand as he read the card over before placing it down in front of him. He didn’t say anything for a second, until he shifted forward.

“Right now, I think… I think we need to talk about how, just because somebody prefers to bottom does not make them weak, and just because somebody prefers to top, does not make them stronger.” Freyne cast a quick look to Elliott, who frowned, but made no move to comment. Chester blinked a couple of times before nodding.

“You’re right, Freyne. We should talk about that. If any one of us wants to switch it around, it’s all right. And if any one of us wants to assume that just because someone else likes it one way, does not give them the right to joke about it.”

“We don’t--” Daiton cut in, but Graden snapped around, his eyes fiery.

“ _Yes_ , you do.”

Daiton closed his mouth, and Graden looked to his lap. Elliott wrapped his arms around Graden’s waist, squeezing tightly. Graden leaned back against his chest, although hesitantly.

“Right,” Addison nodded, “so this is something we need to work on.” He pressed a chaste kiss to my cheek. “All right, we can work on it. We’ll do our best to listen more.”

“No,” Ike shook his head. “You _will_ listen. Because we are all equals, dammit.”

“Yes. Yes, we are, of course we’ll listen--” Addison pressed on, and Ike nodded sharply.

“Good.” That seemed to cut that conversation off as Elliott leaned around Graden to swipe his own card.

“Two moments in my life I will never forget.” Elliott murmured and then cursed, placing the card down. “Only two?”

Chester shrugged, “I know there would have been quite a few, so give the top two and if you want to mention the others, we can talk about those, too.”

Elliott hummed, wrapping his arms tighter around Graden as he rested his chin on Graden’s shoulder. “Well, there’s mum’s death,” he swallowed thickly, “there’s Zelda’s death, that time in primary school that Kerrie got bullied so, so bad--” out the corner of my eye I caught Berling shifting to rub his palm along Kerrick’s spine, “--and that time Gray came home covered in--” Graden shifted, elbowing Elliott in the chest with a scowl.

“Shut up,” he hissed. I frowned. I couldn’t remember any time Graden came home that caused a stir. He was one of the straightest of us all, never getting into trouble at school, with mum or dad, with Addison, Berling or Chester, or anyone really.

Elliott cleared his throat, “there was that time when Addison came home--” Addison flickered his own scowl to Elliott, who rolled his eyes and began to press on, when Chester cleared his throat.

“Anything positive?”

Elliott frowned, “uh, all of our Christmases and Easters? Our birthdays? The times dad would take us to the shack, God, that was amazing.”

A frown touched my face, because I’d never been involved in those adventures. Too young and thus forced to stay home with mum. Which was fine, but I wish I’d been given the chance to explore the beach and the stars. Instead mum and I would cook little cakes and mini lasagne’s, which was wonderful.

“And,” Elliott continued, his voice pitching low, “the time Loran didn’t jump. That’s… that’s a mixed memory.”

My mum and I laughing in the kitchen, cake batter smeared across our faces, quickly faded to one of horror, of dark clouds and thrashing waves, of the stupid, stupid wind.  Pushing me, screaming at me to jump because I’m not good for anything, nobody needs me for anything, dying is the only way to go, the only way to make those I love happy--

“Hey,” Addison pressed his palm to my forehead, forcing my head up. I inhaled sharply, releasing my breath was catching and my fingers were beginning to tremble. “It’s all right, you’re all right.”

I caught my breath, nodding quickly as I tucked my fingers into my armpits. I hated this. I hated everything. Except I didn’t, not really. Half an hour ago, happiness swamped me. I’d been relieved, I’d been in a daze at how gorgeous this place was, I’d been content, so content, with my life. Now… I hated myself. Again. I’d stopped for a second, but that’s all the time it lasted, a second, a one billionth of my day I could be happy, but I wasn’t born to be happy.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “I’m so-- sorry.”

“Hey,” Addison gathered me close to himself, drawing me onto his lap. One of my arms snaked around his neck, and I pressed my face to his neck as my cheeks turned stiff from my salty tears. “It’s fine, you’re fine.” Addison’s warm breath caressed my cheek, and his strong arms held me, kept me safe.

“I think that’s enough,” Addison spoke over my head. “We can talk some more another day.”

Nobody said anything, but that was both a blessing and a curse.

***

We didn’t get home until late. Nobody wanted to go in the gorgeous water after the talk, and I think Chester felt a little bad. I didn’t. After crying, I felt fresher, content to get a little bit of grief off my chest.

Elliott attempted to engage the quads in some water fun, but it fell flat and instead everybody lounged around eating and chatting in low tones, until Addison sighed and ushered everybody into the car.

We trudged inside slowly, Berling flicking the lights on as he passed us to go into the kitchen. Nobody wanted dinner, instead pouring into the living room to lounge around on the couches. The landline flashed red in the hallway, so Chester picked it up as he followed Berling into the kitchen, and Hunter, Ike, Jackson and Kerrick disappeared into their bedroom while Addison pulled me into the living room.

Graden leant against the window, staring out into the front garden. His face set and his eyes narrowed slightly. He seemed to be contemplating something, and Elliott casted him worried looks as he sat cross legged on the floor with Daiton and Freyne to play a game of monopoly. Addison drew me down to sit between himself and Freyne, but I kept my eyes on Graden, who sighed and pushed himself away from the window.

I wanted to call out to him, to ask him if this had anything to with Elliott’s comment earlier, about that time he came home, covered in something, but Graden disappeared into the hallway and a moment later the large bedroom door closed. Elliott sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as Daiton made his move on the board.

“You shouldn’t have said anything,” Addison murmured as he tossed the dice. Elliott glanced at him, biting his lower lip. He shrugged, but nodded.

“Are you angry that I spoke about you, too?”

Addison shrugged, moving his car figurine. “No, not really. I wish you’d not said anything, but I’m not angry.”

Elliott pulled a face as I gave the dice a gentle roll, reaching for my own figurine. I only moved it a short way when Chester hastily walked into the room, landline in hand.

“Addison. Addison, we have a problem.”

Addison glanced up, blinking. He took one look at Chester’s face though and stood up, taking the landline and Chester’s shoulder in hand, pushing him back toward the kitchen. They only got to the door when Berling’s voice filtered through and my world stopped, just like it did when mum died.

“Dad’s planes crashed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading 'Breathing the Ocean'! The next book will be up shortly, hopefully before the new year, but this next week is incredibly packed for me, so I'm not too sure if I will be able to keep that promise.   
> Thank you for being patient with the ridiculously slow updates, as well! It means the world to me, especially since I began posting this just under a year ago - Jan 1, to be exact. So thank you for sticking through it. Hopefully the next one will be a lot more efficient :)


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